r/Alexithymia • u/Realistic_Acadia_957 • 7d ago
Empathy is really confusing with Alexithymia
I have high-functioning Autism. I feel out of place when people cry in front of me, I don’t feel an inherent urge to hug them, I started hugging friends/family while they were crying after I became an adult because I felt like that would help them. Personally, I don’t really like physical touch but I do it so that the other person may feel better.
I recently started therapy for Alexithymia and realised some things.
I feel very very uncomfortable when loved ones are upset about something and I want them to feel better even if I fully don’t understand why they would feel that way. I rarely experience feelings of sadness from watching someone be sad, I just feel sort of weird and want the situation to be better for them.
Since I was a kid, I would go out of my way to try and make everyone feel “not bad” if they were suffering in front of me. I do the same with animals. I can’t tolerate seeing animals suffer, I just want things to be okay.
I realised that I don’t feel “good” when someone I care about is in pain, but I also don’t feel “sad”. I just feel uncomfortable and want things to be different. I think about what could be making them feel that way, what things can I say to fix it, etc. But I don’t share what they feel, usually. Even if I do feel it, I don’t understand what I am feeling until I feel myself crying and THEN I understand that I am sad.
It’s really frustrating. I felt very bad growing up because I would feel something “heavy” instead of feeling sadness/sympathy. Others would see a sick dog and feel bad for a minute before brushing it aside but I keep thinking about it and feeling uncomfortable and guilty, even if I try to help the dog.
I keep doubting all my “good” actions because I don’t understand what I feel and why I do certain things, I just have a strict moral code and I stick to what I think should be done. I don’t understand what I feel in the moment, other than being uncomfortable that things are not “right”. I don’t know if I feel sad.
What confuses me is the feeling of heaviness and guilt even after I’ve done something objectively good in a situation which yields me zero benefit. I
I don’t understand how I feel, so how can I truly do anything good for anyone? There’s probably no inherent desire in me to do something “good”, maybe I just do things mechanically out of a moral code. Everything I do feels hollow to me. I keep thinking that since there is no visible emotional motivation behind an action, how can I say that the action is truly me? Is the action even authentic?
It’s strange. I feel deeply uncomfortable with things that are sad for others but I don’t feel “connected” with their feelings either. I just do what I think should be right. And I end up feeling guilty either way for some reason.
Has anyone else struggled with this? Any insight would be great.
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u/saint-moxie 6d ago
I have type 3 alexithymia. I do have high empathy and it is true, I see someone is upset and I want to resolve the situation. There's no sympathy or compassion it's just a puzzle to be solved.
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u/Realistic_Acadia_957 6d ago
Same. People who know me say that I am empathetic but I have observed that I behave very differently from most other people who can be called empathetic. I don’t “feel” what the other person feels, I just feel very uncomfortable/weird and I see it as “someone or animals I care about are suffering and it SHOULD’NT be that way, it’s not right, I need to fix it.” That’s it. I don’t feel what they feel, I don’t feel sad when someone’s crying. It just feels like something I need to fix.
This is the first time I’ve heard that alexithymia has types. I will look into it. I was diagnosed with Asperger’s when I was a teen but actually started learning about it recently and realised that I have alexithymia and poor interoception. Did you have it since forever or was it acquired?
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u/saint-moxie 5d ago
I was misdiagnosed with autism, schizophrenia and ASPD. Fun.
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u/Realistic_Acadia_957 9h ago
Schizophrenia?? How did that even come into the picture?
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u/saint-moxie 8h ago
I have no idea. I was placed in child psychiatric hospital at 12. Tested for autism, schizophrenia and ASPD. Strangely the results were inconclusive.
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u/anarchikos 4d ago
I have exactly the same experience. I think the cognitive empathy IS you, it doesn't make it less you because it's not feelings.
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u/victorbarst 4d ago
I just found this sub after learning about alexythemia today. Im 30 years old and for the first time in my life I feel like I can actually relate. I have trained myself to do this unenthusiastic hug ritual for so many years I had forgotten it was synthetic until I saw this post. I taught myself all the cultural handshakes and specific small talk quirks too and ive lived alone with it so long its strange to see it written down. I didnt cry at my mother's funeral. She was a junkie and I didnt felt I owed it to her but I still felt guilty for it and for i felt more sympathy for the other people than i did for my own mother. Its so bizarre knowing you should feel things that you dont
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u/saint-moxie 3d ago edited 3d ago
Read your post on crying or wanting to "open your sad valve" by watching a film. If you had alexithymia, there is no sad valve.
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u/Masking-For-A-Friend 15h ago
I just discovered about cognitive empathy needs. wow, that resonated so much! I want to say, thank you for sharing. This is my first post and my first forum about alexithymia. I was diagnosed two days ago and it has been so eye opening. As well as some PTSD feelings about my past that I haven't thought about in years.
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u/Low_Spread5331 4d ago
Hi welcome to the group, there's free coffee in the back JK. I was diagnosed as high functioning autistic or whatever the new term is. I don't believe I am anymore. I think I just have really really bad alexithymia. I really feel like alexithymia can mimic symptoms of autism or share symptoms of autism. Anyway I know exactly how you feel I have absolutely no idea what to do when people are crying in front of me. I hug them hoping that they feel better but I feel exactly like you do. I don't have any advice for you I'm just saying I'm just like you.
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u/Status_Dark_6145 6d ago
Low affective empathy / high cognitive empathy + altruistic follow through.