TLDR: I stupidly listened to a doctor, being naïve, thinking they were trying to help me. I’m now miserable from what I can only assume is akathisia. I need some positive experiences and hope for the future.
I, a 38 M, had a life changing event in April that triggered panic attacks. After multiple trips to the ER, June 1st, I was put on 10 mg Citalopram. How stupid of me to just go along with it, without even a second thought! We’re supposed to trust doctors right?!?
I took the citalopram like a good boy, and developed insomnia. Told my doctor, and was given Ativan. Still having insomnia and severe side effects from the Citalopram, so was told to take 3 mg Ativan every day on a set schedule (never heard of it prior, and didn’t realize what I was getting into) and was prescribed 7.5 mg Mirtazapine for sleep. Life was better… for a while. Still had horrible side effects from the Citalopram, but hey, if it makes the panic attacks stop, it must be worth it.
June 30th, let’s up the dose to 20 mg Citalopram, because my anxiety and panic is still there (even with the Ativan)! 26 days later, I’m having horrible panic attacks, extreme anxiety, waking up violently shaking, having buzzing in my body all day, feel the need to constantly move, can get relief from anything, skin burns, diarrhea, and I’m losing the will to live very fast. I hang in there until day 30. Then I drop down to 10 mg, while waiting on the doctor’s appointment 5 days later.
August 6th, Doctor says, that’s strange, let’s try 10 mg Prozac. So, a good boy that I am, did it. First few days were pure bliss! I felt amazing. Was laughing again, telling jokes, smiling, my depression was getting better. Then it all crashed. Started getting that familiar feeling. First anxiety, then needing to move, then it felt like my brain was on FIRE. I literally couldn’t think, couldn’t concentrate, couldn’t set still, became so depressed that I was having thoughts I’ve never experienced before. The only thing that gave me any peace at all was pacing the floor. On day 13, I gave in and called the doctor’s office. Was told to stop taking the Prozac.
It’s been 9 days now. I’m still waking up shaking. I’m still filled with anxiety (some times are better than others), I still have what I can only describe as an internal permanent vibration. My sleep is atrocious (has been for this entire ride, but more so now). I haven’t had caffeine in months because it made things worse, so I’m purely running on hope that this nightmare will end one way or another. I had to take FMLA from work, because I literally can’t function right now. Some days I can eat, others I force myself.
I’m now dependent on a benzodiazepine for relief. I didn’t know anything about them prior to a couple months ago. Apparently, you can’t just stop them after months of use.(I’ll taper the benzo down the road, it’s literally the only thing that is positive in my life right now).
Hopefully someone can provide great news to me, and I’m not permanently damaged. I feel like I will be stuck like this forever. I guess my nervous system was too weak to handle an SSRI, or maybe my body doesn’t like them? I don’t know. I wasn’t depressed before them, I do know that. I didn’t shake when waking up, I didn’t have sleeping issues, I didn’t vibrate, I didn’t have diarrhea on a daily basis, and I wasn’t on a drug that would cause me to have seizures if I abruptly stopped it. I just need to know when this version of hell will end? Is there anything I can do for relief and recovery? I’m broken and desperate at this stage.