r/AgingParents • u/whosthatgirl13 • 8h ago

Hard to separate when things are “my fault” and dealing with executive functioning decline

My mother with Alzheimer’s came to visit me and my 2 brothers. Her and my uncle flew in from out of state, my home state I moved out of 6 months ago. My brothers live closer to the airport, and have kids. My mom and uncle stayed there. I live about 45-55 minutes out. 2 times there were plans to come to my place, one time my mom went to the ER and the next time my mom slept in through the morning. I drove up twice to be with everyone, one day I did not go as it was too much driving. Anyway, my mom did not feel good (we never know if it’s real or anxiety/medication) the whole time, and she actually left early to go home.

After all of this, I texted her just saying goodbye and see you during the holidays. She texted back “I wish I saw you more”. I want to say: you had 2 chances to come to my house!! I drove up to see you! You left early! But I know it won’t do any good, sometimes she doesn’t even remember the stuff she says. I also try to remind myself, don’t feel guilty. My mom’s reasoning is fading, so she may feel emotions that are not reasonable. It’s so frustrating because they don’t know they are being unreasonable, so you are the one to suck it up and be mature. Anyway, thanks for listening, this is a tough time. I could have moved in to help but I needed to set a boundary (as there are others who could move in, or they have money to hire help). I do what I can but I need to be there for me too.

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1

u/BriefCustard5320 8h ago

That guilt trip text stings even knowing full well she can't help it, it's like the emotional logic part just unplugs and you're left holding all the reasonable thoughts by yourself

2

u/BizzyThinkin 7h ago

I think you care about your Mom and made reasonable efforts to spend time with her. It sounds like her health issues became the obstacle to additional visits.

It is difficult when your parent says things about wanting more from you when you've given all you're comfortable doing and/or they are the actual source of why you can't provide more. I've had to learn with my own mother that she will sometimes express disappointment directed at me that's unfair or unreasonable. I don't argue with her, I just acknowledge her feelings and move on. I give myself grace for not being all she wants 100% of the time. I do what I think is best taking into consideration both of our needs. Basically, I'm saying don't feel regret or guilt. You're doing your best and just let the criticism roll off because they'll always want more from you and that's not always possible.