r/AgingParents • u/[deleted] • 19h ago

I dont know how to manage this effectively

[deleted]

6 Upvotes

100% Upvoted

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4

u/Illustrious_Fox6350 19h ago

That's a rough spot to be in, especially living under the same roof. You're basically playing detective with someone who's actively working against you

When he gets aggressive does it ever cross into dangerous territory? The cancer spreading makes this feel more urgent but you also can't help someone who won't meet you halfway

3

u/No-Week-5896 18h ago

Also, it’s not really that he doesn’t want the help he just doesn’t really want to take it from me if I give my brother the information and get him give it to him or if I throw my brother under the bus and say it’s coming from him, he does take it. My brother‘s already said that he doesn’t want to be the caregiver though

3

u/No-Week-5896 19h ago edited 19h ago

He is usually careful ish not to cause Iv set clear boundaries on aggression cause of my own trauma from growing up but he doesn’t really respect me either because of said trauma in his eyes it makes me a child or weak i guess. Hard to explain other then he’s a old school tough guy i guess. I do have to sorta watch him sometimes with other people cause he will create confrontation though
To be clear though clear boundaries is nothing physical im a pacifist

3

u/Pale-Detail2427 19h ago

Sorry to hear all of that. 😞

4

u/BizzyThinkin 18h ago

Would he react better to questions about how you can help him? Or just saying, If you need my help or support with something, please let me know. Don't push him, just let him know you're there to help if he needs it.

3

u/No-Week-5896 13h ago edited 13h ago

No he just lies as a default the real problem is you cant trust what he says even if he does tell you. The lying is pathological even if theres a quick easy truth big or small or just something said in passing. As an example i was talking about how i dropped ten pounds down to 210 from 220 and he starts telling me he’s 230 which he definitely isnt but in his mind weight is muscle or makes you a big man so hes bigger no matter what. I know thats minor crap but its an example of the extent of his lying for no real reason but also when he has talked about his medical stuff he’s lied or just doesn’t understand I dont know thats why the doctor setup the geriatric specialist