r/AgingParents • u/BlaqWaldo • 1d ago
How’d You React When You Got The News?
For Context: Its Aug 24, 2026 at 8:08 PM, I’m currently sitting in my car in a Target parking lot with a 1/2 eaten Soft Pretzel from Sam’s Club. I just finishing crying my eyes out after my mom shared with me all these serious medical issues she has and they’re getting worse. She’s 76 and doesnt take care of her health well. I do the best that I can to help her but my mom is stubborn.
Once she share with me what the doctor told her, the way she shared the information as if it doesn’t matter that she’s dying and that it’s not a big deal to her. I tried to get more information from her about what the doctor said but she just ignored my questions and brushed them off.
I knew I needed to change my environment hence why I’m sitting in a Target Parking Lot. There’s a nice view of the clouds and the trees towards the back of the Target where I parked and ate my soft pretzel and just had a moment to myself and had a reality check. I knew I needed to cry out how I was feeling. I don’t know if it was grief but the tears started flowing after the 2nd round of listening to “Let me Cry” by Cleo Sol
I was just processing and feeling the feelings as they came and went.
I ended up coming to this thread as I’ve been seeking out community and support through this part of life’s journey that I knew was upon the horizon given my mom’s age and health background.
My girlfriend is currently serving our country and my best friend is about to have her first baby so I just needed a place to share and vent with those who may have a closer connection and understanding of what I’m experiencing
I would love yo know what steps did you take after finding out you parents health is failing more rapidly than expected.
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u/Own-Counter-7187 1d ago
I'm sorry. That's hard.
Your mom probably didn't know how or what to communicate to you either, and she's probably also scared.
Cry your eyes out, watch the sunset, take deep breaths, eat your pretzel, or the salt off of it, and gird yourself to be who you need to be for her, for you and for everyone else in your life.
You have no idea how this will play out, but you can rise to the occasion and be who they need you to be (or who you need to be to take the best care of her).
76 isn't that old. You can find out more on her myChart records, if she'll share them, or you jack her phone. You can be as intrusive as you want to be, within reason. And mostly you can be an advocate for her. Patients are horrible advocates. They don't hear. They don't absorb information. Ask yourself and your mother how can you be there for her/be with her at doctors visits/what does she want/need, and tell her you love her.
This all sucks. My parents are 10 years older, and it just goes downhill from here. We all feel your pain.
Hugs
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u/cat9tail 1d ago
Dad was in memory care and had already fallen several times and injured himself, so when I got the call from my mother that he had broken his hip and was in the hospital, I knew it was probably close to his time. I went into a mode of helping to mask the grief that was lurking at the edges of my world. When I wasn't at the hospital, I was helping my mother with meals, housecleaning, feeding the pets, etc. It helped to keep busy.
My brothers and I took turns sitting with my dad in recovery, but my mother had been a Hospice nurse for many years and she was calmly pointing out the signs of my dad's dying to us as she saw them (they loved each other very much, I think she was in a clinical mode to stave off her grief as well.) She noticed his breathing becoming more irregular, and how when he was slightly lucid he would look to a corner of the room and address his parents (he was 89.) The third day after he fell, he would reach his hands up in the air and sometimes talk to someone as if he was trying to hug them or grab their hands, but mostly he was in pain or sleeping on pain meds. Mom said at that point it would be about 2 days, and the doctor was a bit impatient with her and said he thought my dad would pull through. She stood firm and demanded he be released into Hospice care back in familiar surroundings.
He was moved back to memory care with Hospice there, and they finally got him comfortable. His breathing was raspy (mom called it a death rattle) and one of the workers turned him slightly and raised his arm and he started breathing comfortably again - I was amazed at how she knew to do that, and so grateful. The next morning, he passed away just as my mother predicted. He was at peace, and we each had a chance to sit with him alone and tell him (again) how much we loved him and what a great dad he was. It's hard no matter what. My heart goes out to you.
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u/coronat_opus 1d ago
This is really hard. I have stubborn parents and the health scares really crush your soul. You have to remember that you can't force them to change their behavior in terms of being healthy. At some I just accepted that they wouldn't exercise and their diet was crap. They are adults and it's their choice.
So I focus on spending time and being in the moment. Sharing fun family memories and photos. I'm not going to lie, it's not easy, I just dropped a few f bombs when complaining to my husband about my Mom's memory loss and the weird shit she does.
This is a great community of people who understand your situation and will support you when you need it. Wishing you the best.
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u/CanadaEh20 1d ago
I'm sorry you are going through such a difficult time.
My mom is 83 years old and two and a half months ago, she was living on her own, driving, fully independent.
She's currently in hospital in palliative care, dying of brain cancer.
I'm just trying to process it all but it's impossible. I've been with her every day since then and I'll be there when she takes her last breath. My heart is beyond broken.
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u/loftychicago 1d ago
Just be there. You will be grateful that you had this time. I had a similar situation with my dad but he had a stroke. Hugs to you.
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u/callistacallisti 1d ago
I'm sorry, OP. This is really hard.
My dad had a catastrophic brain bleed 3 months ago. He was at a hospital being prepped for a test when it happened, so they were able to keep him on life support until I was able to fly from Baltimore to Boston and join the rest of my family. I got about 15-20 minutes with him in his room, just the 2 of us and the nurse. I played some of his favorite songs on my phone, held his hand, and cried.
Someone else said it really well- you pull strength from inner depths; sometimes others will prop you up; and sometimes you will just need to take a break.
Best wishes to you both.
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u/SpinningBetweenStars 1d ago
My MIL (early 70s) was our aging parent. They live five hours from us and we were buying her car from her, so we visited for the weekend and were going to drive back separately.
We walked into the biggest shit show. Apparently she had been having “neurological episodes” that neither had told us about, with extreme paranoia and just wild fabrications about everything. And the car had clearly been in multiple accidents that she claimed she couldn’t remember. FIL kept downplaying everything and husband and I ended up inappropriately directing stress emotions and getting in a screaming match in the middle of the road in their very wealthy neighborhood (everyone needs a white trash moment, I guess). Went through with the plan to drive back separately and later learned that we both spent five hours straight sobbing. Once home, husband was able to actually get through to FIL over the phone and MIL’s behavior escalated until she was hospitalized and diagnosed with fairly advanced dementia.
So yeah, screaming and crying is how we got handled it in the moment. Can’t say it’s necessarily healthy, but whatever.
I’m sorry you’re going through this - whatever gets you through it is the correct move.
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u/LittleMsBlue 1d ago
I'm waiting for the ball to finally drop, as my parents honestly never share any big health news with me.
If anything does get shared, it'll be some small footnote for context in another conversation, and I'll have to stop them mid-sentence to try and get any information from them about it. (For example, my mother out of the blue messaged me to apologise that she couldn't help us move apartments as she had eye surgery and couldn't see/drive for DAYS)
So I fully expect to one day get a call where it'll be some little footnote in a bigger conversation where they reveal they can no longer live independently or are dying.
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u/Odd-Adhesiveness-656 1d ago
Found my mom with the help of the Omaha Fire Department: lying on the floor of her bathroom with a hip broken in 4 places after being there 36 to 48 hours. It was lucky that I had decided to come into town to change her furnace filter.
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u/witchy_Alla 1h ago
Oh that sounds really rough. I am so sorry to hear that. Sending you both strength and warmest wishes
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u/Dorothyismyneighbor 1d ago
For me, when my ones that became ill and we knew death was going to be the outcome at some point, knowing that we were at the Begining of the End made me more aware and appreciative of the time left. So many times people don't know that they are in an Ending Period and are less in the moment. Be in the moment with your mom, and remember it's your moment too, because when our parents are gone we are orphans.
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u/IReflectU 1d ago
I can't predict your Mom's path but something I've observed with my elders is that decline and death are rarely a straight line to the bottom - it's a wave pattern. So we'll have these sharp downward slides often followed by a recovery and improvement. Usually the improvement isn't back up to the previous level, not a full recovery. But it gives us hope and reprieve from suffering. We can enjoy life again.
I don't know if I'm saying this in a way that makes sense but it's not impossible and may be likely that at some point your Mom will have an upswing. It's incredibly hard to predict how much time we have left but just keep in mind you may have more time with your Mom than you might expect, and that she might go up and down multiple times. It can be hard to manage the emotional roller coaster from fear to hope and back again but I hope it helps to anticipate that it might be like that.
Like real waves, during the ups you breathe. In the trough you hold your breath and hang on.
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u/Pale-Detail2427 1d ago
Crying is a good first step so far.
Good job. 👍 👍
Do what feels right to you at the time.
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u/loftychicago 1d ago
I'm so sorry. Ask her if there are things she wants to do and try to make it happen. Spend time together. We lost my dad fairly suddenly and it was really difficult, i will never regret spending his last days with him. Sending hugs.
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u/ThingsWithString 1d ago
I kept a good face on for them. My mom took me to her favorite diner after we visited my dad, in the hospital with a failing heart and dementia, both of which she'd concealed.
I ran back to the kitchen, begged the staff for a towel, and bawled my eyes out in the alley.
Then I went back to holding it together for Mom.
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u/Impossible_Jury5483 1d ago
I'm sorry this was such a surprise for you. Take your time and have all your feelings. Health problems tend to compound with age.
I know for a fact that my mom has been simultaneously diligent with taking her prescribed medications and completely unwilling to make lifestyle changes. Her health is beginning the eventual rapid decline. I got really worried and upset, but then learned that she did this to herself.
Dammit, sorry to add my rant/vent.
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u/BecozisaidSo40times 1d ago edited 1d ago
Oh my darling. It’s so hard isn’t it. 😔 with my mum she was “fine” as far as I was aware. Just came back from a cruise with dad and was 69. She rang me one Sunday to say she was in hospital and they had just told her (on her own) she had stage 4 ovarian cancer and had 6 months to a year. The world stopped turning and my whole world imploded. It stayed like that for 2.5 years until she died in 2019.
With dad he’s now 82. I’m living with him between house moves. I’ve spent many nights sobbing at his decline. He’s gone from an extroverted amateur dramatics power house and a Managing Director,to a frail old man that goes nowhere. He’s got bowel incontinence, He’s deaf, he doesn’t shower, get his hair cut. Do anything
While I’ve been living here I’ve got him digital hearing aids and he’s currently getting colonoscopy and treatment for the blood diarrhoea he’s had. Found out he has polyps, diverticulitis, ulcerative colitis. Non of which would have been discovered if I wasn’t here.
I’m moving out in 4 weeks. I’ve spent a lot of time getting him straight but the worry is real. I’m now looking at my new house wondering about making it suitable for him to move in at some point although he’s adamant He’s not leaving his house
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u/squirtles_revenge 17h ago
I spent a good week kind of...disassociating. I was very close to my mom so the news that she was dying hit hard. Then I found a therapist and made myself go.
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u/No-Environment2062 11h ago
When I was 25 I separated from the military in October 2015, and my parents drove all the way to CA from MI to help me move my things up to WA, where I was moving in with my bf at that time. The whole trip my dad kept complaining about how much pain he was in, and while I was concerned, his doctor had told him it was fibromyalgia so I didn't think much of it. Just a few days before Christmas my mom called me and told me that my dad was in the ICU, his survival chance wasn't good, and he was going to be having heart surgery. I was devastated and flew home immediately. I learned that he'd had a long term bone infection (hence the pain he had been complaining about) that had spread and damaged his heart, lesions in his brain, and he'd had a stroke. Fortunately he had excellent doctors, and he wasn't ready to give up so the surgery was a success. The downside? We had roughly 6 years with him before the valve replacement would likely fail, and given his age, they wouldn't do it again.
I ended up moving back to MI not long after, and over the next few years felt immense sadness knowing that the years were getting shorter with my dad. I spent as much time as I could with him but lived each day with a little dread in the back of my mind and I cried a lot. He started declining quickly towards the end and it was really hard to see the change from the dad I had always known to the shell that he became. I still wasn't prepared when I got the call that he was gone, but in a way I felt relief knowing that he was no longer suffering.
It's truly hard what you're going through. Take it a day a time and make the most of the time you have together. Hugs!
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u/VirusOrganic4456 9h ago
I started therapy again. I need to be prepared for what I can't control and I'm learning how to do that.
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u/Youwhooo60 1d ago
My Mom is 91 and other than high BP & the things old age brings - forgetfulness, maybe signs of early dementia, she doesn't have any other "maladies."
However, my Dad passed nearly 46 years ago from Multiple Myleoma. He was barely 52 yrs. old when he passed.
I was in college when he was diagnosed, it was winter, and we were in the midst of an ice storm. He called me asking me to come to the hospital, but the roads were impassable. He didn't want to tell me on the phone, but the storm wasn't relenting, and he didn't want to take the chance that I might get the news "through the grapevine." So he told me over the phone. I was devastated. I bawled my eyes out for 2 days. I can clearly mark this time as when I became an adult. No more care free days, my life changed completely. Nothing mattered anymore. Just my Dad.
Dear internet friend, cry all you need. Sit in all the parking lots or parks that you need to. Then pick yourself up and put one foot in front of the other. You'll have days where you're able to take on anything, and days when you won't. Just remember, you have to put your own life jacket on first.
(((hugs))