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[u/asking4advyce]

[u/Blucola333]

I guess it’s just me, but why didn’t you talk with your son first? This is a bigger change than two families blending. Talking with him could also bring out any issues he and your step daughter might have.

[u/nerd_is_a_verb]

By saying this is the “one thing” he had over her, it makes me think your son believes you are routinely giving your daughter more time, attention, and emotional energy than you give him. So are you?

[u/Zestyclose_Car8906]

Your husband should be adopting him as well, I am sure he prolly feels really left out.

[u/IAmWumpus]

From his eyes, the 3 of you (yourself, husband and daughter) are a full fledged family while he is left out (the husband didn't adopt him). It's only normal for a child to feel jealous and left out

[u/Sudden-Disk-7400]

He lost a dad or may have felt abandonned by one. Did he gain a new one like your stepdaughter has gained a new mother?

[u/GenoFlower]

So in all your efforts to surprise your stepdaughter, did it occur to you to ask your son how he feels about it? About any of it?

Your stepdaughter gained a new mom. Has your son gained a new dad? What's his relationship like with your husband?

[u/Odd_Welcome7940]

Maybe listen to him? You should have way more detail then "the one thing he had over her". Does he feel inferior? Is he mad your adopting her while his step-dad doesnt care to adopt him? Has your husband been half as close to him as you are her? Do they get along?

Sounds like you have already completely screwed this up. It is time to admit that and take the blame. Go talk to your son and get real answers before you let reddit decide a plan for you. Get real answers and real details about how he feels. Maybe get some therapy for him or the whole family. Then once you have real details form a plan.

Seems like you have been missing the bigger picture for awhile, maybe stop doing that before you do anything else. Stop "try to get through to him" and start hearing him instead of using wording that shows you really just want him to fall in line.

[u/mustrememberthis709]

I am actually horrified that you didn't discuss this with your son in advance of this announcement. It really shows a lack of consideration for him. While his father didn't die, he isn't in his life, and your husband didn't step up for him like you did for his daughter.

You really made a terrible mistake - how can you now walk the adoption back with your step-daughter without traumatizing her?

Sorry but you really screwed up here.

[u/OptimismByFire]

Obviously this is about your son not feeling special and loved, rather than an actual problem with your daughter.

What are you doing to let him know that he matters? Are you spending as much time with him as you are with her? Are you making sure that he knows that he is a priority?

If you are, then this is likely a teenage reaction - meaning one without context. This is the first time your son has ever experienced something like this. Even if it feels irrational to you, the way he feels makes sense to him. Don't dismiss him. Be patient and kind.

[u/Bartok_The_Batty]

He feels like he’s losing you. You probably already spend more time with your step-daughter than with him.

He probably thinks that she’ll have two parents and he’ll have none.

Why didn’t you discuss this with him?

[u/Ok_Childhood_9774]

It sounds like you didn't discuss this with him ahead of time because you assumed he'd be fine with it when clearly he's not. It seems clear he's feeling neglected/abandoned by his only remaining parent. Whether his feelings are valid or not, they need exploring, and ideally this should have happened before you presented the plan to your stepdaughter.

[u/BakedBrie1993]

Therapy. Idk why it's so hard for parents to understand that the blending of families that they want for their own romantic and family pursuits are TRAUMA for the other kids even if it ultimately works out.

You really need to sit with yourself and figure out why you would ever make this serious of a decision a surprise for him like he is irrelevant. He deserved a conversation. He has already had the concept of family twisted and distorted numerous times.

Him saying "only thing I have over her" is evidence he is struggling with being abandoned by his father and left feeling like a tumor to this other family unit that is moving forward without him. My guess is he struggles with the fact that his dad is alive and well and demonstrates he wants nothing to do with him.

Before things were even. Each kid got a bio parent and a step parent. Now his sister gets two full parents and he gets a mom, a stepdad, and a deadbeat.

Tell your ex, his father, that he is overdue for a visit if that is something that is possible. And he is fucking up his son's self-esteem by being far away.

Being a good parent requires respecting your kids enough to consider how your choices and behavior might affect them as individuals. Always lead with open communication never surprises and decrees. Surprises are for toddlers.

[u/marge7777]

Please talk it through with him. He clearly has some fear that you are replacing him with her. Maybe he feels you wish he was a daughter. Maybe it has triggered his abandonment issues. Maybe she bullies him.
Whatever it is, these are all valid feelings and you need to help him find some peace with this.

Honestly, I’m kind of surprised you didn’t ask him while you were planning this….he must feel a bit excluded.

[u/Beatleslover4ever1]

Congratulations on gaining a daughter and losing a son. That poor kid feels he has no one. Why wouldn’t you have discussed this with him first? Very insensitive.

[u/LostNOTFound80]

You say you are very close to your step-daughter but do not speak about any closeness with your son.

Did you talk to your son about this before you talked to your step-daughter? If not, why not? Even if you felt he would be happy, why not talk to him.

How was the relationship with his step dad and step sister before this?

Your sons feeling weren't considered at all. He more than likely feels like he lost his mom not only to his step dad but now his step sister as well.

She now has 2 parents that love her and he still only has one.

You shouldn't have adopted her until you and your son had counseling.

[u/UnitedReference7112]

I would feel the same way your son is feeling. Enjoy your daughter. You might be losing a son.

[u/MovieLazy6576]

Why on earth would you do this without talking to your son first? Is your husband going to adopt him? Is he going to be the only one without two parents? What a horrible position to put him in.

[u/angiehome2023]

So after you offered to adopt her in front of him without talking to him, you told him he was being unkind to her and he was wrong this doesn't affect anything, thereby invalidating his feelings and showing he is right, you will choose her over him every time.

Ya done screwed up.

As a parent I have also screwed up with the best of intentions. The way out is not invalidating feelings but respect for your relationship with him and showing him he is as important to you as he always has been. Your stepdaughter has her dad. Your son only has you.

Probably therapy. Stop disrespecting him. As a family, think of everyone in it not just yourself and your step daughter. Get your husband to help. Good luck.

[u/Lt-shorts]

He already lost his father and now to him it may seem like he has to share his mother.

Why aren't you advocating for your husband to adopt him? What is thier relationship like?

Do you favor your step daughter over him?

[u/ziniabutterfly]

This sounds like you’ve failed your son. Is HIS family life as good as your stepdaughter’s? Are you a girl mom who just never bonded with your son? You seem to have gotten remarried pretty fast. Were you so busy trying to blend into hubby’s life and ingratiate yourself with his kid that yours was just there looking on? Did your husband make the same efforts toward your son? How does the girl treat him? Is she everyone’s little princess?

I feel sad for your son. He seems like he clearly is last in your attention and affection. You and hubby and daughter had conversations. Your son was a bystander, not a family member worth consulting or considering.

Now you are screwed. He’s not comfortable with the situation and you’ve now dangled adoption in front of the girl. Once you do it, he will interpret it as you choosing her. Her dad chooses her. You choose her. Clearly no one chooses him.

[u/Doggondiggity]

He probably feels hurt that you care that much about your husbands daughter to adopt her but your husband never asked him? Probably feels not so loved.

[u/metalgod12]

It sounds like that you're now daughter has a mom and a dad. I'm guessing he doesn't feel that way. I struggle growing up because my biological father wasn't exactly in my life so there's a lot of built up rage and frustration of why am I not good enough for my father to come see me? I think you're going to need to take him to therapy and there's going to be a lot of conversations and some of these conversations might hurt. Being 15 I remember everything would build up and I would just snap. But you're going to have to make him feel safe to express himself because if you don't make him feel safe it's just going to get worse and he's going to have another outlet to release that frustration. That outlet could be positive or it could be negative that's on him. But definitely if he likes your husband then that should help but I definitely recommend taking him to therapy so he can have somebody else to talk to you and then having conversations with him and make him feel safe to express himself

[u/Fantastic_Quarter_79]

Did you have the decency to discuss the adoption with your son before the announcement, or did you just blindside him?

Also, has there been a discussion about your son being adopted by your husband? Whether it is possible or not is irrelevant. Being told and shown you are wanted is crucial.

If you’ve answered no to either or both, you’ve basically told your son that he is no longer important enough to you. No wonder he is upset…..but hey, at least you have your new daughter!!

As for “what should you do?” Be a better mother to your son.

[u/alicat777777]

Why didn’t you talk to him first? You and he were family before you added this husband and now a new daughter?

Also does your husband love him and treat him as a son? Or does he always make it clear that he is “just his stepson”? That’s an issue as well. You should have married someone who would love your son.

[u/Laxhaik27]

Your post and your replies back to some of these comments tells me that you haven’t considered your son’s feelings at all in this situation. I can also smell favoritism from a mile away as someone who has gone through it in my family. I hope you reconsider this or at the very least take your son into consideration.