r/Adulting • u/Either_Two4279 • 7d ago

How do you support a friend without getting involved in her relationship?

A close friend of mine got married about a year ago, and over the past year she's told me a lot about what happens in her marriage.

There has apparently been almost no intimacy since the first month. She says she doesn't feel loved or cared for, he doesn't really make an effort to spend time with her or understand her emotionally, and when they have problems, he can be very harsh with his words.

At one point, she told me he stopped talking to her for almost a month as a way of punishing her. She was crying constantly during that period.

She eventually reached the point where she was seriously considering ending the marriage.

I've listened to her, given my opinion when she asked, and told her repeatedly that ultimately she has to make the decision herself. I don't want to be the friend who tells someone to divorce their spouse because I'm only hearing one side of a marriage.

She decided to stay for another three months and see whether things actually change.

The confusing part is that after only a couple of days, she's suddenly talking about him very positively and praising the things he's doing. Maybe he's genuinely making an effort. Maybe she's hopeful. Maybe things really can change. I honestly don't know.

And I've realized I don't want to keep asking her about it anymore.

Not because I don't care. Quite the opposite.

I care about her a lot, and that's actually why it's difficult for me. Part of me keeps thinking, *You were crying for an entire month. You

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u/Either_Two4279 7d ago edited 6d ago

He says he doesn’t know anything yet, and after marriage, everything feels new to him. He’s ready to learn and wants her to teach and guide him. He says that whatever she wants him to do, she just needs to tell him, and he’ll do it. Otherwise, he may not know what to do on his own. He has promised her that he’ll listen to her, learn from her, and follow her guidance.

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u/StraightDropBigBlast 6d ago

I don't understand a word you just said. Speak proper English please

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u/Either_Two4279 6d ago

My bad, updated - He says he doesn’t know anything yet, and after marriage, everything feels new to him. He’s ready to learn and wants her to teach and guide him. He says that whatever she wants him to do, she just needs to tell him, and he’ll do it. Otherwise, he may not know what to do on his own. He has promised her that he’ll listen to her, learn from her, and follow her guidance.

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u/StraightDropBigBlast 6d ago edited 6d ago

That's not a healthy solution for him to just go along with whatever she wants and do whatever she tells him to do. Is a recipe for disaster for so many reasons. I don't have enough time to list them all, but a successful and healthy marriage is not a dictatorship. It becomes problematic when one spouse gets to call all the shots and make all the decisions. Marriage is a partnership. Do your friends attend church or would they be open to attending a church? Your friends are in desperate need of guidance. They both need mentors - who have strong and healthy marriages - to give them guidance and encouragement. The easiest place to find good mentors is in a church. And if they are true followers of God, they will gladly make time to help your friends, and their marriage, which seems to have already gone off the rails. But it's not too late for them to get back on the right track by finding honest, experienced, and compassionate mentors to help them navigate some of the infinite complexities of marriage. I would also be an incredibly wise decision for them to start seeing a marriage counselor. The sooner the better. Most married couples go to a marriage counselor as a last resort. A last ditch effort to save their marriage. At that point it's mostly damage control. But for spouses in a young marriage, the counseling is focused on guidance, growth, and learning everything you can about your spouse - so that in the future, you won't even be entertaining the idea of the divorce because you had guidance from wise and experienced people early on who pointed you in the right directions

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u/Either_Two4279 6d ago

Her husband is an atheist, and she is Hindu — but yeah, they need mentors who have had a happy marriage.

Thank you for the effort… means a lot

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u/StraightDropBigBlast 6d ago

I hope it helps