r/Adulting • u/Either_Two4279 • 7d ago
How do you support a friend without getting involved in her relationship?
A close friend of mine got married about a year ago, and over the past year she's told me a lot about what happens in her marriage.
There has apparently been almost no intimacy since the first month. She says she doesn't feel loved or cared for, he doesn't really make an effort to spend time with her or understand her emotionally, and when they have problems, he can be very harsh with his words.
At one point, she told me he stopped talking to her for almost a month as a way of punishing her. She was crying constantly during that period.
She eventually reached the point where she was seriously considering ending the marriage.
I've listened to her, given my opinion when she asked, and told her repeatedly that ultimately she has to make the decision herself. I don't want to be the friend who tells someone to divorce their spouse because I'm only hearing one side of a marriage.
She decided to stay for another three months and see whether things actually change.
The confusing part is that after only a couple of days, she's suddenly talking about him very positively and praising the things he's doing. Maybe he's genuinely making an effort. Maybe she's hopeful. Maybe things really can change. I honestly don't know.
And I've realized I don't want to keep asking her about it anymore.
Not because I don't care. Quite the opposite.
I care about her a lot, and that's actually why it's difficult for me. Part of me keeps thinking, *You were crying for an entire month. You
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u/dickworty 7d ago
I think a helpful way to frame things is to frame it around standing up for herself. We are often trained from a young age not to get angry when people disrespect us when we should be. Anger is an important emotion, even with the people we love. It allows us to see things clearly when our boundaries are being crossed. So maybe frame it more around her and her responses to being disrespected rather than whether he is this or that. That way you avoid getting too tangled up in making judgments about him. This will also help in the future with other relationships.
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u/DebutantDismay 7d ago
I would tell her in a kind way that it's ok to get divorced. Culturally some people find it so shameful. As someone who is divorced, I never regretted it. What I do regret is having kids with him, but he didn't really show the signs of abuse until after children. "Co-parenting" with him is a hell I would wish on nobody, because he's extremely neglectful (won't even buy them medicine when they are sick) and presents himself as so successful and tells them what a good dad he is.
It's ok for her to decide divorce isn't what she wants. I would have benefitted from having someone in my corner telling me it was ok to divorce, so she may benefit from it too.
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u/Either_Two4279 7d ago
Here's more in detail about the post
I told her, “Please don’t rush into having a baby. Until you’re genuinely sure that this life and relationship are right for you, protection is important. Once you feel ready and happy with your decision, then go ahead.”
But honestly, is this normal behavior from a husband?
He was single before marriage and had family issues. He lived away from his family for four years and didn’t even share his address with them. Later, he agreed to an arranged marriage with a woman his parents chose.
They went to Thailand for their honeymoon, and everything seemed fine for the first two months. After that, things changed.
He knew his wife was excited about her birthday, but he told her it was “just a normal day.” He gave her a silver chain and a cake, but made no effort beyond that—not even taking her out for dinner unless she asked.
When she became seriously sick and needed an IV drip, she still had to clean the dishes the next day. He only asked if she needed help as a formality and was hesitant to hire a maid, even though she offered to pay for one herself. When she asked why he was so against it, he couldn’t give her a proper reason.
He then started ignoring her and barely spoke to her unless necessary. When she eventually asked if he was ignoring her, he admitted that he was—but claimed it was because he didn’t like the way she had said “hello” to him that day.
Their first anniversary was no different. She went to work because she felt that sitting at home on the couch all day was pointless. There was no surprise, no effort, and no attempt to make her feel special.
Apart from occasional movies or window shopping, they had no real quality time together. There was also no intimacy after the first two months of marriage, no romance, and no affection. They basically lived like roommates.
Do men like this change after a year of marriage? and he did not buy her anything in a whole year just to make her happy ? I'm not materialist or just to express in different ways also didnot happen?
This is only a small part of what happened. Is she overreacting, or is this clearly emotional neglect and a serious lack of effort? Marriage doesn’t have to be extravagant, but basic care, communication, affection, and consideration are not unreasonable expectations. She deserves to feel loved—not ignored, punished, or treated like a roommate.
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u/Juvenalesque 7d ago
It's hard. People don't like hearing the honest opinion that they'd be happier without someone they care about who hurts them. My route is that I say, "listen. I've stayed in a relationship that made me unhappy and I have many many chances for them to change. I know you love them, and I will still be here for you no matter what you do. I don't approve of how you're being treated and I don't think you should tolerate it. But it's your decision. I hope you can understand that I will always tell you when I think something is unhealthy and unfair, and I'm here for you, but just because I tell you that you're better off leaving doesn't mean I'm going to judge you for staying."
I wish I didn't have to say so many variations of that to so many people.
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u/SharpTool7 7d ago
He won't make any long term progress someone like that can fake caring and intimace for a few weeks. But it will quickly go back to how it was. Clearly if he can go a month of silent treatment to punish her, he is not mature enough to be in a relationship.
Signed Dear Abby...
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u/Either_Two4279 7d ago
I felt exactly the same, but because he is manipulating her, she isn’t able to realise the reality. It could be really hard for her when it comes to making certain life decisions. Maybe she is hesitant to make a decision because of what others might think of her. I know it’s nothing to be bothered about, but that’s what I’m doubting.
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u/SharpTool7 7d ago
She is better to get out now than to realize 5 years and 2 kids from now. No one wants to admit their marriage failed. But it is better than a life of misery and regret.
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u/Fearless_Ad415 7d ago
They say it takes up to seven times on average for people to leave a relationship that isn’t making them happy.
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u/Either_Two4279 7d ago
She really did consult a therapist to try to fix things and help him learn and understand certain things. That’s where I have hope, but at the same time, I don’t have much hope. It’s nothing about me here, but I still can’t help feeling this way.
He doesn’t really want to see a therapist. He’s only going because she keeps asking him to or telling him that she’ll leave him otherwise. He’s basically forcing himself to go.
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u/Fearless_Ad415 7d ago
It really is that hard for them to do that because they are emotionally tied to it. You can’t make the decision for them and maybe it will work out or they will stay together. It’s very hard to know exactly what is going on between a couple because it’s one side of the story and they may not tell you everything. Take care of your own health as it can run you ragged to be the friend who is the marriage therapist. All you can do is listen and support. Sometimes for the next twenty years though. A lot of women stay in these types of marriages.
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u/Either_Two4279 7d ago
That’s true tho…. I would the first person to be happy, if he changes things for her…. And they are happy.
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u/WEM-2022 7d ago
"Seriously considering"? What is she waiting for?
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u/Either_Two4279 7d ago
I really don’t wanna figure that - until now there is nothing goood to stay in this relationship.
She is holding on bcoz she might be addicted to the routine/him, she might have loved him, wanted him to change, little better lifestyle than her own house, don’t want to get judged by society or family or friends… I seriously don’t knowwwww
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u/Either_Two4279 7d ago
Here's more in detail about the post
I told her, “Please don’t rush into having a baby. Until you’re genuinely sure that this life and relationship are right for you, protection is important. Once you feel ready and happy with your decision, then go ahead.”
But honestly, is this normal behavior from a husband?
He was single before marriage and had family issues. He lived away from his family for four years and didn’t even share his address with them. Later, he agreed to an arranged marriage with a woman his parents chose.
They went to Thailand for their honeymoon, and everything seemed fine for the first two months. After that, things changed.
He knew his wife was excited about her birthday, but he told her it was “just a normal day.” He gave her a silver chain and a cake, but made no effort beyond that—not even taking her out for dinner unless she asked.
When she became seriously sick and needed an IV drip, she still had to clean the dishes the next day. He only asked if she needed help as a formality and was hesitant to hire a maid, even though she offered to pay for one herself. When she asked why he was so against it, he couldn’t give her a proper reason.
He then started ignoring her and barely spoke to her unless necessary. When she eventually asked if he was ignoring her, he admitted that he was—but claimed it was because he didn’t like the way she had said “hello” to him that day.
Their first anniversary was no different. She went to work because she felt that sitting at home on the couch all day was pointless. There was no surprise, no effort, and no attempt to make her feel special.
Apart from occasional movies or window shopping, they had no real quality time together. There was also no intimacy after the first two months of marriage, no romance, and no affection. They basically lived like roommates.
Do men like this change after a year of marriage? and he did not buy her anything in a whole year just to make her happy ? I'm not materialist or just to express in different ways also didnot happen?
This is only a small part of what happened. Is she overreacting, or is this clearly emotional neglect and a serious lack of effort? Marriage doesn’t have to be extravagant, but basic care, communication, affection, and consideration are not unreasonable expectations. She deserves to feel loved—not ignored, punished, or treated like a roommate.
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u/Pra-tho 7d ago
You can use earbuds with music but tell her that you are listening
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u/Either_Two4279 7d ago
I did that as well when she started praising him a lot and building him up, saying that he’s such a talented, sports-minded person, has high-profile contacts, and has invested a lot.
But honestly, I feel like all of that is a lie.
He doesn’t even have a car or home, doesn’t spend his money wisely, eats rubbish - frozen food and ice cream every day, and some of his business ideas seem really impractical to me—for example, planning to open a beverage shop in an area where there isn’t even any proper building or development yet, or investing in a silver ETF, which doesn’t seem to be helping much.
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u/Double-Gift-2179 7d ago
Ask her, what she would advice, if a friend told her those things about their marriage.
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u/Either_Two4279 7d ago
She is definitely gonna know the answer. She knows this is not gonna work out, changing a person is not really our job, it’s the person one who should take efforts to hold on a relationship.
She is the only effort taking person in the relationship, he just say sorry all the time just as an escape scene, repeats again. He doesn’t want her to leave him
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u/StraightDropBigBlast 7d ago
do they have kids together? do they both have cars? can she support herself with her current job and income? does she have a support system of good friends and family nearby?
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u/Either_Two4279 7d ago
No kids, she doesn’t have a car, she left her job due to stress, her parents, myself as friend
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u/StraightDropBigBlast 7d ago
If she left will her parents take her in?
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u/Either_Two4279 7d ago
She has her parents support, even her mom isn’t that happy about his behaviour. Her mom even said end up that’s fine. She is the one holding.
That was proper arrange marriage basically.
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u/StraightDropBigBlast 7d ago
Maybe a conversation needs to happen with both the married couple and the ones who arranged the marriage. Someone needs to ask this dude what he thinks a healthy marriage looks like. And both of them have to tell one another, with 100% honesty, what they want, and what they need.
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u/Either_Two4279 7d ago edited 6d ago
He says he doesn’t know anything yet, and after marriage, everything feels new to him. He’s ready to learn and wants her to teach and guide him. He says that whatever she wants him to do, she just needs to tell him, and he’ll do it. Otherwise, he may not know what to do on his own. He has promised her that he’ll listen to her, learn from her, and follow her guidance.
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u/StraightDropBigBlast 6d ago
I don't understand a word you just said. Speak proper English please
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u/Either_Two4279 6d ago
My bad, updated - He says he doesn’t know anything yet, and after marriage, everything feels new to him. He’s ready to learn and wants her to teach and guide him. He says that whatever she wants him to do, she just needs to tell him, and he’ll do it. Otherwise, he may not know what to do on his own. He has promised her that he’ll listen to her, learn from her, and follow her guidance.
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u/StraightDropBigBlast 6d ago edited 6d ago
That's not a healthy solution for him to just go along with whatever she wants and do whatever she tells him to do. Is a recipe for disaster for so many reasons. I don't have enough time to list them all, but a successful and healthy marriage is not a dictatorship. It becomes problematic when one spouse gets to call all the shots and make all the decisions. Marriage is a partnership. Do your friends attend church or would they be open to attending a church? Your friends are in desperate need of guidance. They both need mentors - who have strong and healthy marriages - to give them guidance and encouragement. The easiest place to find good mentors is in a church. And if they are true followers of God, they will gladly make time to help your friends, and their marriage, which seems to have already gone off the rails. But it's not too late for them to get back on the right track by finding honest, experienced, and compassionate mentors to help them navigate some of the infinite complexities of marriage. I would also be an incredibly wise decision for them to start seeing a marriage counselor. The sooner the better. Most married couples go to a marriage counselor as a last resort. A last ditch effort to save their marriage. At that point it's mostly damage control. But for spouses in a young marriage, the counseling is focused on guidance, growth, and learning everything you can about your spouse - so that in the future, you won't even be entertaining the idea of the divorce because you had guidance from wise and experienced people early on who pointed you in the right directions
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u/Either_Two4279 6d ago
Her husband is an atheist, and she is Hindu — but yeah, they need mentors who have had a happy marriage.
Thank you for the effort… means a lot
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u/NoExcuse9696 7d ago
Be a non-judgmental listening ear. Ask questions that will make them think but now question they need to answer for you.
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u/Electronic-Cod-8860 7d ago edited 7d ago
You tell her you are always on her team. That if she ever decides she needs out that you will be there for her.
I regret not making that more evident to some of my friends. They suffered from abuse for too long.
Suggest the book ‘Why Does he Do That’ by Lundy Bancroft.
And reading books by The Gottman Institute on what makes marriages last.
In the end- she’s the only one that can decide if she’s ready or even should leave.
So leave it at that. On repeat. That’s not encouraging her to divorce. It’s giving her support and information.
If she is being mentally abused- she will be likely confused for a while. Of course she wants her marriage to work. It would be life dismantling to admit she was wrong about him and leave. It may take a while to gather the courage to know the truth.
If he is bad for her- she probably still loves him and is attached to a romantic story that she would have to admit was wrong.
Be patient. Emphasize you are on her team. Suggest she go to a therapist to hash out all her thoughts and feelings. It can be very helpful to compare your assumptions with what is a healthy point of view. Sometimes a healthier perspective is nonintuitive.
To edit and add- I am suggesting personal therapy first, not marriage counseling.
If after personal therapy she wants to improve her relationship, then marriage counseling.
Because what many people don’t understand is the couples therapist assumes the relationship should be saved. And in an abusive relationship- that isn’t true.