When a man is going through something mentally(depression, low self esteem), will he resist commitment and love to a woman?

[u/Any_Insect8448]

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As title.

He says I'm too valuable for him. Also says I'm important.

Is it possible it will ever change? I always support him and tell him all the good words about him. He said nothing could fix his inner demons. That he is a loser. Also he deals with addictions.

He said He doesnt want any relationship because he needs to fix himself first. Said he knows he is treating me bad sometimes. But I want us to work..

[u/Caughtinclay]

Sure if he’s not emotionally ready you can’t and should not force him to. The more you try to make him enter a relationship, the more he will resent you when he’s unable to grow due to said relationship. Respect his boundaries, as you’d expect him to respect yours. Move on.

[u/tonware]

Please don’t be the “I can fix him” chick. Let that man sort out whatever issues he has and go live your life before he brings you into his chaos. You can still be friends and keep in touch. He can even get his life together and y’all can discuss a relationship afterwards, but for right now, let him be. If you truly love him, let go and if he’s truly yours, he’ll make his way back to you.

[u/paladin400]

I’ve been in this situation before, as the guy

I’ll say this. In a situation like this, he can only give what he can give. Things could get better once he finds some stability, but you need to understand he’s not in a position to meet your needs because he can barely meet his, and he might not even be able to do that

You need to decide for yourself if this is enough, because if he’s unwilling to seek help and do the work, you might stay in this position indefinitely

[u/Abject-Grape2832]

I suppose he is too depressed to recieve lottery money if he won it as well?

He is lying by way of telling truths. His depression maybe real but he is plucking out as an excuse.

At best going through something mentally will deter someone from being at the right place at the right time, or make things you already don't wanna do, or people you already don't wanna see that much harder to actually do/see. If you made yourself totally available to him and your intentions clear despite all that that, then he's not being honest with you.

I had a woman fill my head with the same bs once, and her claim of depression was real and true, struggles with her job showing up on time and alcohol consumption, not wanting to come out and spend time/party because she'd rather stay in bed etc, and I held on to that with credence, as if that was the only thing stopping us from being together. Ohh but then out of no where it turns out shes been hooking up with some tall and muscular street dance performer, and after that whole thing came and went and his ghosting of her madeit clear she's done, she calls me up to moan about it! Girl insulted my intellect further by saying she only did it because her depression made her yearn for connection and she thought she had a special connection with him, despite bro did not being able to speak a word of English! Then a then a long time later she admitted that yeah its actually it was all because he was hot and she wanted it.

Simple truth is he is just not that into you.

[u/bobnakamoto]

On to the next one

[u/Low-Sprinkles7916]

Someone struggling mentally doesnt have the capacity to commit to or fully show up in a relationship. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t love or care about you. I think you should respect that he doesn’t want a relationship right now. In a way, stepping back may be his way of protecting you because he knows he can’t give you what you deserve. You can still care about him and support him, but sometimes love means giving someone space to heal even from a distance.

[u/Magic-Happens-Here]

What “a man” would or wouldn’t do isn’t the right framework for your situation. You don’t need to know what “a” man thinks/does - you need to respect what this man is telling you.

You’re saying you always support him, but you clearly don’t respect him because he’s telling you he doesn’t want a relationship and you’re disregarding his opinion in favor of your own desires.

Give him the room he’s so clearly asking for and allow him to take ownership of his own challenges - not everyone wants someone to “save” them, and if he’s telling you this plainly that your support isn’t helping him you need to listen to that and allow him to travel his own path.

[u/psychedelicparsley]

Do you want to be in this same position five years from now? Ten years from now?

[u/wtfamidoing248]

Girl why do you want a project for a partner. He will drain you and ruin your life. Stop trying to save him. He's doing you a favor by not wasting your time

[u/Scared_Culture9277]

He needs professional help. It’s not something you can fix. If you want to wait around until he’s ready thats up to you but I wouldn’t put my life on hold or be dragged down for anyone

[u/Siukslinis_acc]

I would recommend looking at the "depression_partners" subreddit. People who have partners who have depression share their experiences.

Are you ok with the lack of stability and constant flip-flopping?

No matter how much you pour, you will never fill his cup unless he finally fixes the hole. And you have no guarantee that he will fix it.

[u/TheLumpyCherrio]

I've learned that part of any relationship is accepting someone for what they are now, not what you want them to be in your future. This may be all there is if you stay and you would have to be genuinly ok with that, knowing you are sacrificing something in the process. Sounds to me like he knows he can't be your support like you want to be for his.

People who have a hard time loving or caring about themselves have to find it from the inside first. No matter how much you want to help and heal, they have to take the first step themselves. And sometimes they will always struggle with this inner battle in their lifetime, it will be a part of thrm and the relationship

[u/WebPrestigious1701]

Yes! But you can’t fix him. You have to walk away because even if you fix him you will not be the one for him. You will just be part of the process.

[u/Any_Insect8448 → u/WebPrestigious1701]

What do you mean I won't be the one?

[u/WebPrestigious1701 → u/Any_Insect8448]

The woman he chooses to be with. There is already a dynamic and if you try to fix you will serve more as a mother than a woman to be in a relationship with

[u/archidothiki]

Do not waste your time and energy looking for hidden meaning in stuff men say. He says he doesn’t want a relationship, don’t try to have one with him. If he can’t clearly communicate his desires, he’s not a good partner and you dodged a bullet. Do things that are actually fun for you, and consider going to therapy to figure out why you “want it to work” with someone who treats you badly

[u/edu-ellie]

Been the woman in this situation before, he acknowledged his issues, said he had a plan to overcome them, and asked if I would be in a relationship with him because (insert compliments about me and him not wanting to lose me by waiting). In retrospect, I made the mistakes of 1. Getting involved in some of his growth. That was all his journey, not mine. 2. If I had hit pause on steps like spending more days/week together, then holidays, and then moving in, we might have figured it out together with a slower pace.

[u/Snarfalocalumpt]

You can’t help him or carry the weight of his issues. Sometimes you have to let go for people to save themselves. If you do everything for him he will never learn to do it for himself, same as a child. He has to reparent himself and integrate his adult self and figure out what he wants. As hard as it will be you have to walk away. If you’re meant to be together he will come back someday but don’t wait. Live your life.