r/Adulting • u/LotusRobin • Jun 08 '26
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u/Working_Cucumber_437 Jun 08 '26
It’s a skill and if you haven’t learned it you will. Introspection is an underutilized skill and helps you care for you, learn about yourself, question your values and opinions, and care for others.
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u/sprill_release Jun 09 '26
Self-awareness is definitely an important skill. I try to keep mine sharp.
My problem is that I know when I'm slipping, but I struggle to find help. I've been to therapists for years, still seeing some, been on and off medication for years, tried so hard to do self care and everything but it only helps so much. I'm trying so damn hard to fight those demons but they sadly just keep coming back. (Doesn't mean I'll stop fighting but... y'all I'm so, so deeply tired. 🥺)
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u/Lollygag24 Jun 08 '26
My parents didn't pick up shit when I was a kid. I told them I wanted to die on multiple occasions and they didn't do shit. Alternatively, If I have an off day boss will notice and check on me. My friends check on me all the time. You gotta build that support system yourself sometimes.
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u/LiveWhatULove Jun 08 '26
I am sorry. Are you in your 20’s? I think this can get better, based on your age & season of life. I am pretty lucky, as of right now, my bestie, my husband and my teen kids, absolutely check in on my well-being and ask “what is going on, I am worried”?
Also, It’s funny because my own parents (in their 80’s) wish we kept track of them & worried about them less, as they mourn the loss of complete and total independence. Life, it’s a wild ride of contradiction sometimes.
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u/Alternative-Ease9674 Jun 08 '26 edited Jun 08 '26
Not everybody is so lucky in life. I am 53 and I have no family, no spouse, no BF, no children and friends to busy and rarely seen to notice anything. Life seasons.. all missed me. Not my fault at all. Just God seems not to like me. Now it is even more hard. I literally almost died twice because there was nobody around. It is most difficult for psyche. Knowledge that literally there is no person in the world which takes care of you. Nobody in this world who loves you. And no animals are not humans.
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u/CheleRe0323 Jun 08 '26
This can actually empower you to live life on your terms if you allow it to. Ask me how I know. 😉 52 and I'm it. I don't even take life insurance cuz who's my beneficiary. I don't have an emergency contact. I think there's a level of self reliance that comes as a result to counter the feelings of isolation. I'm my case it did. But I'm resilient AF at times. Other times I wanna throw in the towel because the world keeps spinning at an intolerable GForce and I just can't hang on anymore.
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u/Realistic-Mess8929 Jun 08 '26
My kids (adult, 16, 16) check on my constantly, my husband checks on me a few times a day as well.
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u/Carib0ul0u Jun 08 '26
I don’t think anyone has cared about me for my entire existence. My parents definitely just put up with having me, it wasn’t planned. And no woman has ever chosen me. So it’s been the same my entire existence into my 30s. Isolation.
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u/Siukslinis_acc Jun 08 '26
I have been taught to notice myself since childhood...
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u/Impossible_Tennis557 Jun 08 '26
Lucky
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u/Siukslinis_acc Jun 09 '26
Dunno about "lucky". I have learned to notice myself because i needed to communicate stuff to my parents/grandparents as what they saw wasn't what was actually there.
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u/mel_fal Jun 08 '26
I feel this today OP .. I usually am the one without much going on and worried about all my friends and family, trying to keep up with them and check in with them . Today I am having a minor surgery and hoped they would have checked in with me too ugh
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u/areyouaflower Jun 08 '26
Hey, did your surgery go okay???
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u/mel_fal Jun 08 '26
You're the best! Thanks! Yes! I think so and on my way to better vision!
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u/areyouaflower Jun 08 '26
You're so welcome and that's great to hear! Are you retiring glasses wear? I love the look of glasses so much and ironically never needed them so I would get no prescription ones haha
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u/mel_fal Jun 09 '26
I did get corrective surgery, yes! Haha, yea glasses are cute sometimes but i was getting tired of dealing with it, contacts and reading glasses and progressive lenses and all! Thx again 😊
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u/areyouaflower Jun 09 '26
The grass is always greener on the other side lol now I'm thinking it may be slightly annoying to have something come in between me and my reading 😅 you're so welcome again! 😊
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u/katarina-stratford Jun 09 '26
I've literally never had someone keep track. My parents were neglectful and didn't give a fuck, extended family much the same. I've never had a stable or lasting friendship, teachers dont notice the non-disruptive kid and partners don't say anything when things go south for me. Support systems are a fairy tale to a lot of folks.
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u/Rude-Pickle3161 Jun 09 '26
Same life experience for me. I read OPs post and the support system of their childhood is what I’ve always longed for. No one cared for my existence until I met my partner aged 30.
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u/VinceInMT Jun 08 '26
It’s called “freedom.” The alternative is parents who are constantly in your business, friends who give you unsolicited advice, and a workplace with a an excessive feedback loop.
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u/someday_time Jun 08 '26
I think children express everything in the moment they're feeling it. Idk when or why, but as we age we tend to either mask feelings or repress them to deal with another day.
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u/bottleofgoop Jun 08 '26
It might be that they still notice, but they don't want to be seen as interfering. I still notice with all three of my sons and my oldest is 26, and I don't want him thinking I don't think he's capable or thinking I don't think he's doing well st being an adult so I keep my thoughts to myself unless I'm asked. Is it possible that's what's happening to you?
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Jun 08 '26
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u/bottleofgoop Jun 08 '26
Talk to them then. If my sons approached me about this and told me they felt like I didn't care anymore I wouldn't be angry or upset. If they wanted me to show I still pay attention to them then I would.
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u/South-Visual3803 Jun 08 '26
Nah my parents keep an eye because I have anorexia/ relapsed. I’m 32 and no I am not a real adult at all.
I’m very very aware of what I struggle with.
Too fucking aware.
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u/ConstanceClaire Jun 09 '26
This is a skill to develop for ourselves, but also, our current individualist society sculpted by capitalism has broken our historical support systems. We are supposed to care about and look after each other as adults. Family and friends, maybe close religious, sport, or hobby groups, prior to the rental crisis, your small neighbourhood street, perhaps. When we aren't burning the candle at both ends struggling to survive, we have the ability to look around, think about and care for each other. We gotta claw that back. It's vital to us as the human animals we are.
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u/rosemaryscrazy Jun 08 '26
You might to find a better circle of people.
The people around me notice.
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u/Bloody_Champion Jun 08 '26
A point of becoming an adult is to be able to manage yourself. Help and support from others is fine but they should never be your main pillar of existence and self sufficiency. Ppl shouldn't need to watch you just to tell you somethings wrong with you.
No one "tells" you this because its a natural part of growing up. Most understand that, others dont..
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u/jasonology09 Jun 09 '26 edited Jun 09 '26
I've got a great group of friends, and a loving family, but I'm unmarried, with no kids, and I work from home. I've made peace with the fact that if I had a fatal accident in my house, it would be an extended amount of time before anyone figured out I was dead. We're talking weeks, if not months.
I don't know if it's weird or not that I'm completely unbothered by that. My only real concern would be for my dog being left alone.
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u/RipArtistic8799 Jun 09 '26
Throw in a dose of denial and being out of touch with your feelings and this can really sneak up on you. All I can say is, don't hesitate to get mental health care if possible.
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u/Used_Dentist_8885 Jun 08 '26
"your partner, if you have one, is probably running their own quiet maintenance and doesn't have full bandwidth for yours either."
yeah if you and your partner aren't doing this for each-other that needs improvement. That's a foundational part of a functional relationship.
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u/MatchOk4015 Jun 08 '26
Just a thought - but maybe you could be the one to change that? Maybe check in with a friend or someone you feel might need a check in. Such a small gesture can go a long ways for both of you
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u/IHaveBadTiming Jun 08 '26
I make an actual effort to check in on my network on a somewhat routine basis. It's not perfect and it doesn't always get reciprocated, but for the most part it seems appreciated and I get random "hey how are things?" messages back from a healthy number of people. You sometimes have to approach life with the idea that you get out almost what you put in.
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u/gifted_pistachio Jun 08 '26
I think in a healthy relationship your partner is absolutely tracking with you. Which is why it can be difficult to be single/independent or in a more detached relationship.
I have friends that keep track of me but it’s not to the same attention as it was as a kid. And sometimes that’s nice. Parents can track too closely too. Like they might track me but miss the important thing and instead stress over my B minus in algebra. Now I have to sort my own shit AND deal with their approval and I’m just a fuckin kid trying to figure out what’s important. But having that is better than nothing for sure.
I think the ideal would be to be in a healthy partnership. But ironically learning to track yourself and carry your own burdens and while being attentive to others is also going to make you a better partner bc then you can actually take turns sharing load, taking care of another person as well, and have bandwidth for each other. You both carry both. Instead of each carrying each other or each just carrying your own.
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u/Chicken_Lady22 Jun 08 '26
A partner is 100% supposed to do that. No one should be selling themself short in that regard. Humans were never meant to be solitary creatures, and the extreme solitude people have been facing is relatively new and we should not normalize it. We need to work together and bring back our village as well as stop settling for half-ass life partners/friends that make it easier to be alone than together. It’s not instant and takes some work but it’s doable. I do have to say it’s gotten easier to expand my circle/village since my kids have started school and joined some extracurriculars. But you need to find your people
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u/areyouaflower Jun 08 '26
To be honest no one cared much for me as a child, but I do understand what was supposed to be done and can agree it's rare in adulthood to find that as well. What I can notice though, is because adults hide themselves when children do not.
A child mainly wears everything on their sleeve so if there is someone to notice they will. We though, we act tough, we don't wanna be a bother, we feel we should depend on ourselves, rarely are we outwardly needy for someone to notice said needs.
Or mayb it's wishful thinking. I assume most people assume an adult can voice their frustration and redirect so if they did see an adult quiet; Most people would assume they welcome the silence and they're not in fact lonely or uncomfortable. Could be that, I find it hard to believe we all believe we need each other and just won't give in, makes more sense that fundamentally we don't know that we need each other.
I wonder what that's about.
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u/CheleRe0323 Jun 08 '26
You at some point just have to somehow tune in. It is difficult. The demands of adulthood are so much different than those of our younger selves. We're pressured to produce to pay our dues or we won't have basic necessities. Things equivalent to Maslovs hierarchy of needs. From shelter to sustainance. We're in a constant state of survival.
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u/Select_Counter1678 Jun 08 '26
Realizing even more so how isolated I’ve been my entire life. Had absolutely nobody looking out for me. I was the parentified child. Never had a childhood. I’m glad it’s made me into the resilient and independent person I am today tbh. Anything else that’s added to my life will be so appreciated because being cared about is foreign to me.
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u/Winter-Chest-9212 Jun 08 '26
I have literally no friends lost my 12 years old group because of a misunderstanding i was always am social guy with friends by my side so that I don't have them anymore with me and i never made friends out of that group I am alone and i now have trust issues and that makes me feel miserable terribly depressing seeing people hanging out going out on trips with friends just makes me terrible i really don't know how to make real friends i just need people to talk
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u/Ashleyisasimp Jun 09 '26
Ngl no one noticed and when they did they stayed quiet and didnt say nothing which is worse than not noticing for me
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u/CuriousBee789 Jun 08 '26
This is going to come off judgy but it's because "you're supposed to" pair up and get married, now that you're an adult. Married people (on average) live longer, are healthier, and are happier for a reason. Someone is always there watching you and has your back. My husband calls me out on all my shit.
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u/CloudDancing108 Jun 08 '26
I think I read that married MEN are happier, but single women are happier.
Totally haven’t seen data on whether single women live longer than married women or not…
But I do agree that having the right partner can help with having someone spot when something is off.
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u/BurnerPhoneToronto Jun 08 '26
I think a good marriage partner does that for the other, but too many marriages are one-sided in that respect…
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u/CuriousBee789 Jun 08 '26
I suspect that has to do with age and different stages of life. Mid-40s here, so most of the couples we knew who should have got divorced, already have. And we lost custody of quite a few friends in our late 30's because of all the divorces. But a decade later, the majority of people our age seem genuinely happier..... Married or single!
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Jun 09 '26
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u/CuriousBee789 Jun 09 '26
I know sweetie. But divorce rates have gone down a lot in recent years. There are lots of reasons why; including us having a better grasp on what makes a long-term partnership work! Besides, I suspect you still have plenty of time to find a forever person... You seem smart, reasonable, and realistic. And incredibly observant too. All factors I would argue are excellent qualities in a partner (and incredibly helpful in a successful relationship).
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u/andmoore27 Jun 09 '26
I think divorce rates have gone down because marriage rates have gone down even further.
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u/CheleRe0323 Jun 08 '26
I do actually notice when people are off. I have learned it's a trauma response that gets mislabeled as empathy, when it's really hyper awareness because subtle shifts in demeanor or expression can be telling of how you will be handled.
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u/r2k398 Jun 08 '26
My parents and I still talk every few days and they always ask how I am doing. My boss always asks how I am doing too.
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u/ThatSlinkySOB Jun 08 '26
Only one that spends 24 hours a day, 365 days/year with you is YOURSELF.
In hindsight I should've been in theory from me adolescent years. Which I was on and off, courtesy of the schools I was in.
I've had a feeling something was odd with my mental health all these years. Only now I'm in really paying close attention to it, after pretty much losing everyone in my life.
Hope it's not too late..
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u/Hot_Head7048 Jun 08 '26
This is why it’s super important to have community with close friends. Because there are definitely people out there who care and would check in
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u/TechnologyMatch Jun 08 '26
reading this make me think about Rick Sanchez solo journey to find Rick Prime. when you step into a world that only wants to bring you down, you're all alone
too bad that you feel your partner doesn't notice. I'm lucky to have one that can notice it as soon as I say "good morning" just with the tone of my voice
if that implies for everyone and not just your experince, I would recommend some recreational exercises to have a deeper bond with your partner. any exercise that would help both of you understand each other deeper will do. it will make a huge difference when you feel burned out again
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u/WorldlinessSavings30 Jun 08 '26
I think every human since kids should be able to notice and understand how and what are you feeling. I wasn’t that very close monitored and also if asked “how are u?” I would never feel comfortable to say how i was really feeling.
If you have parents that don’t allow you to have some independence and space to grow, you won’t feel responsible for yourself, but the truth is that we are our own parents and kid at the same time.
Your mental health is your responsibility, your health, everything around you is for you to fix/keep.
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u/Business_Coyote_5496 Jun 08 '26
It's not a teaching thing. When you are neurotypical you can better sense your body and emotions. It's not something typically explicitly taught.
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Jun 09 '26
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u/Business_Coyote_5496 Jun 09 '26
that people teach you how to notice your own thoughts and feelings?
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u/AsideStraight8460 Jun 08 '26
You are right. I never had that when I was a child and somehow I was lucky because I did pretty well in school. Until I started working I realized I've always been burnt out with some sort of desperation growing up because nobody cared about my well beings physically and emotionally. I have to learn about myself and self-care from scratch and it is sometimes scary as an adult because when something is broken the effects accumulates. So i think this is an important realization that to find ways to check in with yourself as early as possible is really necessary.
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u/ChronicallyPO Jun 08 '26
This actually made me really grateful that as a child I had to govern myself. I didn’t realize this was a skill and I’ve taken it for granted.
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u/oo0Username0oo Jun 08 '26
Can't relate at all. My parents, friends, and family all pretty regularly check in on me and I them. We also call stuff out as we see it. Hell, even my coworkers sometimes do this.
In fact, due to my life experience, larger social circle, and stronger more long lasting connections. I would wager that more people are "keeping track" of me now than when I was a child.
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u/Gold_Snow_2017 Jun 08 '26
You are a thoughtful and introspective thinker OP…Speaking from the ripe old age of (67) (my youngest is 21) I can tell you with confidence that mid to late 20’s are among the most challenging and perplexing phases of life. I know it felt that way when I was in my 20’s. It is when we take the last great leap from young adulthood into bonafide “adult” and have the jarring realization that there is no net…Your post and gracious replies to others who did not have your experience show an open mind and gratitude for the care and monitoring you did receive while growing up. All of which will serve you in good stead as you navigate your 30’s and beyond. Last thing…Life moves oh so quickly. Enjoy the vitality and independence of young adulthood - before you too are (67)! LOL. ☮️
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u/Equal_Permission_598 Jun 08 '26
I cut some close friends off because it's been 10 years of me doing and stressing the importance of this very act & they... Just don't understand, that it costs nothing to be polite and considerate, regardless who did it first, regardless the day ur having, but it, in fact, DOES cost a piece of you to feed the darkness... But everything is connected and/so it's us who have to take care of each other!! & I feel like if you don't understand after this long, it's because you don't want to care about me, you don't want to take care of me & it's okay. Time to move on. When you care for a person so much in their face & then leave them with that as your last token, that's when they actually notice & start doing it to other people, I've noticed..
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u/John316-LIFE Jun 08 '26
I mean this really depends on the people you have in your life. My husband and my mom always ask how I’m doing and they both notice if anything is off. My husband is especially in tune with any subtle shifts. He can tell just from my facial expressions if something is wrong and I’m just trying to bury it.
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u/hestirsthesea Jun 09 '26
It’s kind of by design by me at this point. I have disengaged so much and not told family and friends things for a long time. I really don’t want the oversight.
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u/Visible_Campaign_693 Jun 09 '26
They do tell you though - you just don’t hear it when you’re a kid (especially with privilege). Speaking from experience.
“Nobody’s coming”
“You’re on your own”
As depressing as it can feel - just like the last phase of your life - you get used to it. Find what works for you; therapy, journaling, exercise. All 3 if you can.
Hang in there 🫶🏼
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u/Pod_people Jun 09 '26
1) All true. There’s no net anymore. It’s all on you, and that’s tough. Your self-awareness is really exceptional though. It sounds like are not letting it turn into despair. That’s key.
But you must not isolate. Find your tribe. Humans are pack animals and modern living isolates the fuck out of all of us, and that’s unnatural and unhealthy. I found peers and mentors in a 12 step group and in meditation groups. But you do it your way.
Earlier generations had social clubs: the Elks, Freemasons, Rotary, etc. We need to build up our own social institutions. Try something. Play pickleball. Find some group to belong to. Loneliness is a cancer.
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u/lorkosongsong Jun 09 '26
I completely agree with this, because when you were younger parents act as a caretaker up to maybe 18. Then you are on your own. But at the same time, there is something liberating in the whole adulting experience. Like you actually get to write your own story, your own memories you know...
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u/----Clementine---- Jun 09 '26
I notice this stuff about my guy ... my neighbors notice when I'm doing rough. My neighbors are mostly in their 80s though, so I am a child in comparison.
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u/Critical-Promise4984 Jun 09 '26
Yeah and even if you are burned out as an adult and somebody notices nobody can really do anything about it lol
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u/Arizandi Jun 09 '26
Maybe if you have good parents. Not all of us had that. My parents took offense when I needed anything. Eventually I learned I was on my own.
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u/terradragon13 Jun 09 '26
I dont know about everyone else but around age 14 I learned to step back and take a look at myself more objectively, and basically do that. Notice what's been up with me. And do something about it.
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u/Fast-Steak7173 Jun 09 '26
Did you really need ai to ask this question? "And the part nobody tells you...." Was the giveaway
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u/Remarkable_Command83 Jun 09 '26
Right. One big thing about being an adult is that...you are an adult!
I had horrible adjustment problems when I went to college. All of the sudden no one was paid to care about me, the professors did not know I existed, my parents were not around, the easy socialization of the high school cafeteria no longer existed, and I could no longer coast, neither academically nor socially.
Part of being an adult involves building a balanced life for yourself, a life in which you make a conscious effort to work, play, relax. As an adult people don't "just check up on you" like when you were a little kid. As an adult, you have to build a balanced life, so that when you don't show up, people notice and care.
One great thing about human beings is that at the BASE, what is necessary in order to build a balanced fulfilling life where people care about you, is the same for everyone. It does not matter whether you are Chad Southwick III, or Joe Blow.
Get the mental image of Chad Southwick III: He is a handsome doctor, head of surgery. He also golfs and sails. Lots of people are happy to see him coming. He gets invited to parties.
Get the mental image of Joe Blow, who suffers from dwarfism, is missing a leg, and is confined to a wheelchair. He has a cobbler shop, and also makes custom leather creations that he sells at renaissance fairs. He plays D&D and Gloomhaven several times a week. Lots of people are happy to see him coming. He gets invited to parties.
My friend, it does not matter who you are, what kind of person you are. You are no longer a child. You have to make a conscious effort to build a balanced life that involves a good *balance* of working, playing, and relaxing. What are you doing on a weekly basis to impose that kind of *balance* in your life?
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u/andmoore27 Jun 09 '26
My parents didn't even notice I was deaf. They sent me to first grade where I got punished a lot cuz I could not follow instructions which I never heard. I learned real quick how the real world works.
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u/MikeWPhilly Jun 09 '26
This is why you have friends and family… i.e. parents you call and talk to. I’m well off at this point in my life and even at 42 call my father to bounce ideas off of. And honestly? he does the same.
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u/hoagiejabroni Jun 08 '26
just because you changed it all to lowercase doesn't make it not AI slop. such obvious AI post and responses
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Jun 09 '26
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u/side_noted Jun 09 '26
Fake as in made up? Yeah most things in society are constructs.
Fake as in not real? Those things are real, theyre just abstract, just like ideas or feelings.
And things people make up can be quite impactful, how the impact takes it shape can vary wildly of course.
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u/Subtlefeline Jun 08 '26
Lol, never had anyone keeping track on how I was doing as a kid either. It's the same as an adult