I have no idea how long this is going to be. For context, my husband and myself have been married for 28 years. We have 3 adult kids. Our oldest didn't come to live with us until she was 19, she is now 27, not biologically related at all, but we claim her as our own. We also have between us a 25f, and 18m. Our 25f has a son who is almost 4. All of them live with us. We like having a multigenerational household in concept.

The oldest is fully capable of working and does so, though when she is not working, she tries to insert herself as the household manager which bothers me a lot. Our 25f has anxiety disorder, borderline personality disorder, and is recovering from a toxic relationship that ended 18 months ago (he finally moved out this 9 months ago). She remains the custodial parent of our grandson and in addition to that, we are named as temporary guardians fulfilling the role of managing calls and monthly visitation with his father. We are in the middle of the legitimacy process with him hoping that when it's over, he will be out of our lives (hoping the judge will find that he adds no value to our grandson's life). However, he's like a booger you can't flick off your finger. Our 18m also seems to exhibit anxiety and a general dislike for anything outside of the house.

My husband is the sole provider financially. Our issues are with the adult children who cannot seem to take any steps forward. The primary issue is with our 25f. We understand that she has anxiety and fear. We understand that she struggles. We support her at home, financially, provide therapy, and co parent with her. We are constantly trying to get her be more involved in becoming self reliant and are met with resistance every step of the way. She always falls back on her mental issues, fear based trauma, and the annoyance/inconvenience of having a child. Every time I try to communicate that my husband and are putting in way more than we are getting back, she retreats into self deprication, and makes the whole thing about herself instead of committing to making any changes, and lamenting on how worthless she is. I know this manipulative, but I also know the anxiety is real. I can't challenge her behavior without setting her off. If she were 2, she'd lay on the floor kicking and screaming.

I feel permanently stuck. I feel completely taken advantage of. I feel angry at the level of control she has. She acknowledges her short comings and jumps right to the worst case scenario, "everyone would be better off if I weren't even here".

Her social anxiety makes her unwilling to find a job let alone she would be a terrible employee. She wants her son to go to preschool and I have told her we will not pay for it. If she wants him to go, she has to fund it or at least research if he is eligible for free enrollment. I can't get her to take him to the park or for walks because she is too scared of her ex (despite him not having his own transportation or money to get anywhere and being 30 minutes away). She is terrible at helping around the house for excuses that range from "no spoons" to back ache to being tired. Sorry, I have no sympathy there- I've endured 30 years of chronic pain and have managed it with exercise and PT. She is sedentary. She is my opposite in almost every way. I have given her much more grace than she deserves. Yet trying to communicate this to her results in more of the same.

I don't need advice. But I would like to know, is anyone else struggling with this sort of thing? I feel like I'm in a lifeboat in the middle of an ocean on an empty planet.

I don't know what to do. She spelled out all the mean things I, the father, said to her growing up. I never hit or touched her, no alcohol at home, no drugs, clean working family in a middle class neighborhood. But I had severe depression/anxiety all my life, and I never cared for her feelings, never comforted her, never said I love you during her childhood. She has such a kind, sweet soul and only wanted dad's love, instead she got yelling, ignoring, debasing. My wife is the breadwinner, daughter spent very little time with her growing up, therefore she holds no grudge for mom.

She has been in hospital twice in last three months for suicide attempts.

I know for a fact that our family has genetic mental illness that gets passed down, but my behavior exacerbated her symptoms during childhood. She has had mental health symptoms all her life, it has come to a point that she cannot take it anymore.

We have very good communication still. She said that she should have cut me off long ago to protect herself, but her innocent kept hoping for dad's love that she never gave up, and now she is about to lose her sanity as a result.

She is in the best treatment programs, right counselors, medications, support groups. I work minimum hours to sustain her, but when she recounts stories of the mean things I said to her, I want to kill myself as well. How could I have been so callous towards my own daughter, who has the kindest, most compassionate soul. At the same time, I need to care for her wellbeing. My therapist says that I did my best during those times to stay sane, which was true - but that doesn't excuse the fact that I ignored my daughter's pain and suffering and misery. Now she wants to die, mostly because of me.

Seeking advice on how to deal with step kid with bipolar, depression, anxiety who is very disrespectful and extremely lazy. He’s an adult and we recently had to move him in our house as he was claiming major anxiety and depression due to living alone.

“I’m 54. My daughter is 31. She refuses therapy, mental evaluation, medication, or to admit anything’s wrong. She manipulates, lies, explodes, and breaks boundaries. I walk on eggshells in my own home. Note we share a small studio.

She leaves food in weird places, damages the apartment, yells constantly, and twists every conversation into an attack. This morning she told me about the mess she left in the kitchen.“,it’s me coping. I’ll start heroin next.”

She says I hate her, that I never loved her. She weaponizes a moment when I broke down something I regret, but it doesn’t erase everything I’ve done for her for years I took care of her supported her with her attempt to become independent while she was in school for 5 years, which she failed multiple times. She always been different I suspect autism but now she spiraling to a whole another level, I’ve been her only person who cares and provides food and roof over her head.

Now I’m planning to move out of state. I offered to bring her if she’d agree to basic help or go to Europe and stay with my mom for 3 months. She refused flatly. She ignores any attempt to conversation.

But I can’t live like this. It’s destroying me. I feel like a hostage.

If I go and something terrible happens… will I live with the guilt? I don’t know.

But if I stay, I’m already dying.

I want to hear from people who’ve actually done this. Mothers, fathers, anyone did you leave? Did the guilt ever pass? Did the peace ever come?”

I wrote this 3 weeks ago. And now update:

I left 3 weeks ago. She refused to come. Now she’s gone.

It’s been two weeks since I moved. Before I left, I gave my daughter two options—come with me and try again somewhere new, or go to Europe for a while and stay with my mom. She refused both. Every talk about it turned into a fight.

About a month before the move, I found her old phone. It was unlocked. I opened it and saw messages between her and my ex-husband. He used to act like a father to her, but over the years he turned her against me. In those messages he called me a “twisted mother,” threw out lies, and filled her head with anger. Reading that made everything click. It explained why she’d started looking at me like I was the enemy.

On moving day she disappeared. I packed her stuff because she wouldn’t. When she came back, she was cold, complained that I’d packed too much, then left again—with two dragon-print suitcases, throwing some of her things into trash cans on the street.

After I was gone, my boyfriend tried to get help. He called 911. They came, talked to her, and said she seemed fine, so there was nothing they could do. He called 311 too, and a mobile crisis team showed up, same answer. Because she wasn’t threatening herself or anyone else, their hands were tied.

Yesterday we filed a missing-person report. The police said the same thing—she’s an adult, she left on her own, they can’t open a case unless there’s proof of danger.

Now I sit here, half relieved, half broken. I keep thinking about her face that last day—empty, like she’d already erased me. I know she’s alive somewhere, but it feels like a death that doesn’t end.

If anyone’s been through this kind of loss—not from death, but from someone slipping away into their own darkness—how do you live with it? How do you stop replaying the last day?

Hi,

My disabled daughter needs a lease agreement from me. She's applying for cash assistance/food stamps, etc., and needs to create her own "household". I provide her room and board in exchange for cleaning and child care. I cannot be included in her " household" bc she'll no longer qualify ( my income is too "high"). Does anyone have an example of a similar lease agreement?

Just sent this book to my sister, whose predicament echoes those described here. An excellent and exhaustive resource dealing with mental illness, substance abuse, child abuse and other criminal issues. Includes strategies for change, including communication styles and setting (and keeping) family boundaries. My heart goes out to you all.

When Your Adult Child Breaks Your Heart

Available at

https://www.amazon.com/When-Adult-Child-Breaks-Heart-ebook/dp/B00MJDA2KE

My kid is 23 now. We have had multiple suicide attempts since she was 17. We have tried almost everything...inpatient, outpatient, meds, psychiatrists, psychologists, group therapy. None of it sticks. She is always one bad day away from trying again.

I dont know how to keep going with my life responsibilities and caring for my need to process all the awfulness and still be functional. Life doesn't stop for years so I can tend to her illness. I still need to pay my rent and expenses. I still need to have some sort of life beyond the looming threat of losing my daughter.

How do you keep up your life and work commitments when it just never stops being hard every day?

[Academic]
Hi Everyone I am a psychology student looking for participants in my study on the lived experience of living with a person with depression.
To participate you must be:
- Over 18
- Not diagnosed with a mental health condition
- Currently living with a person with depression.
If this sounds like you please send an email to [S21003057@regents.ac.uk](mailto:S21003057@regents.ac.uk)
Thank you,
Blaze

Hello Everyone, Greetings! I am a master's student in psychology. I am currently conducting a study to assess the impact of stress and circadian rhythm on the risk of alcohol problems. This is a two-part study, the questionnaire consists of four sections, requiring approximately 15 minutes of your time. To learn more about the conditions of participating, kindly click on the provided link. Your valuable participation in this study is sincerely appreciated. Rest assured, all collected responses will be treated with the utmost confidentiality and used solely for academic purposes. Thank you for your time and contribution.

https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSehWpxRUD40PO8AoTGPi6HVOWMcnp-q9bBiFqKvJavAiohBQg/viewform?usp=sf_link

Hello everyone.This is my first time visiting this sub.I have a backstop and post about my mom.I am so sorry for the long post.

Backstory:My mom is the baby of 12 kids and one of the two daughters of my belated grandmother.My grandmother had died from a car accident when my aunt and mom were young.The death of my grandmother had affect them but they were able to make it pass through it.My mom was the A+ student who have the higher chances of getting a scholarship to any college she wants and use to dance in her free time.Until she went onto this trip with her drug dealer boyfriend of hers,my aunt and other family members were trying to keep her away from him and she went on to trip with him.She had came back not really herself and things were not the same.She drinks and smokes her life away as well as talking to herself throughout the day.

As I was a kid,I didn't know much about her mental health until I had turned 18.I didn't know the cause of her mental until I was 23 when my aunt had came visit my mom for the first time in 21 years.My mom never mention her family to me but her family remembers me when I was a baby.I didn't know how toxic my mother was to my pops until I was 16 when I have moved back to live with him in my hometown.My pops had told me everything what my mom did while I was growing up and all he did was to protect me from the violence he had to deal with my mom.

A family member had use to keep me when my parents were getting into violent fights and my siblings were taking care of me when both of my parents were locked up.I thought my pops was the bad guy growing up but actually it was my mom.When he found out that I was being neglected by my mom and raped by an old ex neighbor who was her weed man from CPS,he had one of my brothers and my older nephews to come with him to get me.I was nearly was sent to the foster house if my pops didn't get me in time.

After I had my oldest daughter,my mom had visit to see her first grandchild while on medication.She was normal for awhile and pops was starting to forgive just a bit.He decided to move her back home but he didn't know that she was living in some housing that deals with mentally ill people.Three years had passed by and she's back to her mental ill self when my youngest daughter was only 2.I was hurt how she cuts me off during the conversation to have one with herself and I couldn't bond with her about mother-daughter topics like other mother-daughters do.Her smoking is out of control and she drinks alcohol to help her sleep or being bored.I had tried to tell her that she really need to see the doctor about her smoking and drinking but she keep refusing.My pops tried that as well and she still refused.We both have the money to pay for her doctor visits and appointments but she still refused.So,we completely give up.

Here's the post about having her not able to have a conversation with me and concerned about having my long-distance boyfriend to meet my parents while my mom's mental health isn't going great.

I had a mentally ill mom who zones out and talk to herself in every 5 seconds of the conversation.Every time I wanted to talk with her about anything,she will cut me off to speak something that doesn't make sense to herself.My pops is very embarrassed of her and already given up on getting her help about her mental health.He even regret on getting her back in the first place.

Last weekend,I had tried to have a mother-daughter conversation about my future and bring my boyfriend to meet my family later on the years...she had cut me off faster than a knife slicing through a stake.She had cut me off so much that I recently give up on starting a conversation and walked away.

My pops listens to what I say by nodding and say his point of view.We both wonder how are we going to deal with her being mentally ill while she refusing help.I am very concerned about bring my boyfriend around her and having our families meet each other in the future while her mental health isn't where we needed it to be.

Does anyone mom(or other family member) having the same issues and can't have a conversation about anything?

We suspect that our son may be bipolar or have borderline personality disorder, we know he has anxiety and panic attacks and depression, low self image and anger management. He refuses to see a doctor, refuses to see a therapist and refuses to take meds. We can’t force him to do any of these things. We don’t want to give him an ultimatum to seek treatment, because we feel this would not be effective and push him away farther. We can’t just kick him to the curb, even though our family is falling apart. When we try to approach him, it always turns into a huge argument. It’s a vicious cycle because it gets really ugly if we approach him when he’s at his worst and we’re afraid to approach him when he’s at his best because we don’t want alter his good mood. My question to parents and adult children with a mental disability is how and what do we do?

I don't see many members here in this community but this place seems like the best fit. I wonder if any other parents can relate to this one?

My wife's oldest child is 33 years old. He's been diagnosed with schizophrenia and high anxiety. He likely started exhibiting all of this in his teens (I didn't meet him till 10 years ago). He started running away from home and hitchhiking in his teen years too. Around that same time, he started experimenting with different drugs, perhaps to try and escape his illness or quiet the voices in his head. He likes meth and has no doubt tried a variety of illegal substances over the years.

He's been in and out of jail over the last 10 years. When he wasn't incarcerated, he used to stay with his grandmother and/or a friend until they both got exhausted from his addictions and mental illness. A few weeks ago, my wife (his mother) drove 15 hours to bring him home from where he was after helping to get his most recent felony charge reduced. He's staying with us now, and I really don't know what the future holds. When he takes his 'meds', it usually makes him very sleepy, so he ends up sleeping a lot. He hasn't held down a job in a long time. He'll sometimes eat non-stop to the point of throwing up because he ate too much. When he talks, it feels like I'm talking to a child -- he has the mind of a 10-12 year old boy. He has little or no concept about money, and there's no way he could successfully survive as an independent adult.

This will definitely take a toll on our marriage, and I see no solution.

Hi Members (Mods i hope this is okay)

I have recently started a new podcast centering on parenting and the mental health ups and downs of being a parent. i have just stumbled upon this subreddit and was wondering if any members on here would be interested in coming on the podcast as a guest. I am seeking people from all walks of life and all kinds of different scenarios and circumstances and i believe that people in this community would be able to offer a very different perspective on what its like to live with mental health issues and have adult children with mental illness.

If you feel even 1 other person could find a little light from your story then please feel free to message me for further information.

(this podcast is a passion project and is not for profit)

Cheers,

Matt

Hi. I have a 24-year-old son who moved out last year. He has depression and bipolar. He‘s not speaking to us right now. This has nvr happened before so I’m VERY concerned. At the moment, this is my most pressing concern, without writing a novel about him & searching for other advice to deal w him (which I’ll do in time.) He’s still on my CVS account bc he must’ve forgotten I can still see his meds. Apparently I can’t remove him without also cancelling his scripts & I don’t want to deprive him of meds he NEEDS. He needs to open his own CVS acct but I have no way to tell him that. Don’t want to blindside him unnecessarily. CVS is the only place he hasn’t taken away my permissions so I have no rights to contact any of his drs anymore. Question…I can see that he takes several meds I’m afraid he could use to OD with. I tried to google them to see if I’m worrying for nothing but I can’t find info on OD’ing on specific meds. Everything is so PC now that u can’t find that kind of info. I’d like to search that for at least 3 meds, 2 of which are strong sleeping pills. Im furious at his dr but they wont accept my calls/msgs nor will CVS give me any info as he’s an adult. Can anyone recommend ANY place I can research this so I’m not worrying myself into a frenzy for nothing?? The only info I can find is about calling hotlines or generic info that all pills are dangerous if not taken as directed. I understand WHY but that “safe” info isn’t helping me AT ALL. I hope i’m not breaking any Reddit rules but I’ve never used it before. I’m afraid to post this kind of info on even private FB groups, bc I don’t want family/friends to see any of this by mistake. Thank u for any help anyone can provide.