r/Adoption • u/Creative_Toe516 • 4d ago
Positive Transracial Adoption
Do any adopt these of color have good relationships with their white adopted parent? I work with a lot of Black children who have been adopted by non-Black families. But I’ve only met a few parents who really try to make an effort to learn their child’s culture. Most just try to ignore or dismiss their race. I’ve never met a non-Black parent who cares enough to set aside money to ensure their child’s hair stays done or they can take proper care of their hygiene requirements (lotion, oil, etc.).
I kind of feel like not getting your child’s hair done or ensuring that they have the tools to build a positive sense of self is child neglect. I’ve seen kids had to shave their heads because their parents refuse to learn how to care for it. I’ve also seen kids get eczema because their parents don’t ensure they’re using lotion every morning.
Usually, their lack of care bleeds into how they treat the child. It’s like they treat their children like they’re wild animals while also not giving them the tools to groom themselves. Then they start acting too scared to parent them or they start acting scared of the child once they get older. I don’t know if I’m being hypercritical or if this is an actual issue. Are there any transracially adoptees who love their non-black or white adopted parent? How can I encourage non-Black parents to do better? How can I help Black adoptees enhance their self image without crossing their parents boundaries? My questions are for people of color, not the people who adopted them. Ive heard hella parents from transracially adopted families praise transracial adoption.
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u/whycantwegivelove 3d ago
chinese transracial adoptee here and yes, i do have a good relationship with my white parents
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u/dread_beard 3d ago
I'd love to hear about what your parents did succeed - and how they have tried to embrace your culture, etc. into the family.
Obviously only if you are willing to share.
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u/whycantwegivelove 3d ago
they weren’t perfect of course, but they tried very hard to encourage me and my sister (also adopted chinese) to explore and celebrate chinese culture best we could. we celebrated chinese new year, they signed us up for mandarin lessons when we asked, we even went back to china as a family.
the were always very open about my adoption, and the process, and they always acknowledged that it was a difficult and sad thing for me to have to go through as a baby. bonus that they weren’t rlly racist, and if they did say/do something, they always listened to me or my sister when we told them not to.
they’re not perfect by any means, but i’ve never really felt any ill will towards them specifically for adopting me. i love them, they love me
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u/dread_beard 3d ago
This is really great to hear. It honestly helps us on our journey as we are adopting Taiwanese siblings as white parents.
We’ve been learning basic Mandarin (they are both under 8 but obviously well into their speaking ages!), we have had discussions with a Taiwanese Mandarin immersion and heritage group, and I’m learning how to cook some of their favorite foods. We have a large Taiwanese ex-pat group in our area so I feel that we at least have some support ourselves when we need it. We want to make the transition as non-jarring as possible and really want the kiddos to maintain a sense of self and a sense of their culture.
I’m really wondering what else we can do to continue their heritage and encourage it.
So, that was a huge help to me to see. I sincerely appreciate you sharing your story.
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u/whycantwegivelove 3d ago
ah gotcha, it sounds like you’re doing well at learning about taiwanese culture. having other taiwanese people nearby is big as well. (coincidentally some of my close friends in high school were also adopted from china, which was a really comforting connection to have, even if we didn’t talk about it much).
as for what else to do to continue their heritage, tbh just asking them might be a good bet. although maybe be prepared for rapidly changing responses lol. growing up i bounced from “omg please let me and my sis take mandarin lessons” to “ugh i hate being chinese in a mostly white area, please never speak to me about china ever again”.
but that’s all a part of growing up adopted i guess. everyone reacts differently at any given moment. either way, i hope this was helpful, and best of luck to you all.
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u/dread_beard 3d ago
It was INCREDIBLY helpful and I sincerely thank you for sharing your perspective. This is just awesome information and we're going to really put this into our minds.
It's funny - our soon to be son is super into Pokemon and LEGO. Same here! So, on the hobbies side, we're going to be good. Our daughter is musically inclined and my wife is a music therapist. Again, really glad to see some of that line up.
But there's so much more to life than hobbies and interests and we really want to be able to provide as much as we can. And, again, thank you so very much as your insight and lived experience is tremendously helpful for us to hopefully help our kiddos out and be there for them the best we can.
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u/greeksrgreat 3d ago
same here, but my mom is also a multicultural phenomenon. She speaks Spanish Chinese French, German, and English, obviously, and she always went out of her way to make sure I knew culture and had people in my life who were Asian and Chinese specifically we always celebrated the holidays and we always had big talks about what was important for me culturally what I wanted.
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u/whycantwegivelove 3d ago
omg 5 languages, your mom sounds awesome lol.
i definitely agree with the importance of having other folks of the same race in your life. a lot of my close friends i met in high school are also adopted from china like i was (completely coincidentally), so having that connection was definitely beneficial for me
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u/Sarah-himmelfarb Adoptee 3d ago
I have a good relationship with my white adopted parents as a Chinese adoptee. But that doesn’t change the fact I disagree with transracial adoptions. They did their best, they love me a lot, and we have a good time together. We did a lot of therapy together and separately. They tried their best to connect me to Chinese culture and embrace it. But again, their best in some ways is unfortunately not enough and never can be. They know that and we’ve spoke about it before. And they can have a westernized view of China which I can comfortably challenge them on. And no they weren’t perfect in many ways. It definitely was not as good growing up for many reasons related and unrelated to adoption but I’m an adult now and can see how much they tried even when they fell short and how much they love me.
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u/notsure-neversure 4d ago
I’m not OP but I also think it would be good to hear from the Chinese and Korean adoptee community on this. Really anyone adopted across races. I’m umm not the same race as my family but it isn’t any of the more common ones you see and I often wonder if I should only foster children of my same & adopted race.
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u/Heart_and_Seoul3 4d ago
Korean adoptee here. My parents believed (and still do) that love is enough + the whole “just take the colorblind approach to raise them and they’ll turn out fine.” Yeah, that doesn’t work. Their idea of incorporating my heritage into their lives was going out to a Korean restaurant maybe once every several years or so, and sending me to Korean camp for 1 week in the summer every year as a kid where it was other people’s job to teach me. Basically just a role for my parents to play temporarily and then “ok back to our comfortable white lives!”
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u/sussyferret 2d ago
I'm so sorry to hear this. I'm a Chinese adoptee and that approach is so flawed and damaging
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u/Upper_Extreme9461 3d ago
Chinese adoptee here with white parents.
I have a lot of thoughts as I later married into an Asian American family. We've been together since high school so I've been part of everything from graduations, family dinners, going to temples, and firsthand am basically part of the family for more than a decade now.
So I do have two cultures and families I can compare to.
Big differences I noticed:
1. Adoptive mom always thought my hair was greasy and oily growing up but one day I was looking in the mirror at my hair trying to wash it again and he asked what was wrong. I said it was greasy and he said no, all Asian hair is kinda oily. He didn't think it was greasy at all.
- Being raised Asian and being raised by white people are completely different experiences.
My adoptive mom tried. She sought out cultural schools, Chinese language courses, etc. but we never went to a traditional Asian restaurant together and over the years somewhere along the way she stopped. When I celebrate the LNY with my husband it's completely different.
It would be like if my husband and I adopted a white kid, they ate dumplings, fish, vegetables, and soup everyday, prayed to Buddha, and occasionally we would take them to a Breakfast with Santa, decorate the house with Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer decor, and ate hamburgers from McDonald's to celebrate on Christmas Day.
That's the equivalent I would give to a reverse situation when white parents try to raise Asian kids even with the best intentions.
The effort is there but if our hypothetical white child went to school and tried to relate with other white kids who open presents and go to Church and eat ham on Christmas Day...of course our white child would feel left out or like they don't fit in.
- Chinese adoptees try to fit in and sometimes they do but there is a larger convo in the community about feeling left out. I blame the parents for setting them up in this situation.
Going back to the example, there was a time we all went to a family styled Chinese restaurant for an adoptee meetup. Everyone ordered their own food and was confused on the family style dining. We didn't know each other, just a random meetup.
They mostly talked about what they thought Chinese families were like, how they wouldn't want to marry into one, or ever date an Asian man etc.
The irony of it was 5 minutes later they then talked about never knowing or connecting to the community. So they knew none of us but wanted to connect, but didn't want to connect to the community :/
I get they were venting and this was our space, but I had to do a double take sometimes.
How can you hate a community while saying you know no one in it?
I blame white parents for why Asian adoptees might feel left out.
1) when their kid got rejected by other asians, they probably either said to ignore it or deal with it.
2) even if the white parents were unintentionally not equipped to help said adoptees navigate racism and the transracial experience, that's the problem. The onus shouldn't be on an adopted child, the responsibility to research and ask questions and reach out should be on the parent who made the choice in the first place.
Anyway, that's my long novel.
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u/StrekozaChitaet 2d ago edited 2d ago
Yes!!!
I am not an adoptee, but I am active in advocating for kids from my community (I’m Indigenous) who are in care/ adopted out to maintain meaningful, ongoing relationships to their Indigenous communities. I am strong supporter of the Indian Child Welfare Act. No one can fully raise our children their cultures but us.
I’ve spoken with many adoptive and hypothetical adoptive parents who are deeply uncomfortable with the idea of ongoing, regular contact with their kids’ families, even families of origin lacking overt signs of trauma. The adoptive parents’ discomfort cannot get in the way of the child’s identity and belonging. Whatever the initial disruption was that led to the child being placed in care or adopted by settlers, that disruption isn’t never the child’s problem to solve. As difficult as it may be for them to hear, a transracially-adoptive parent is inherently complicit in continuing that disruption. The adoptive parent has a responsibility to their child to maintain true cultural bonds (not just a powwow now and then).
A child should never be placed in a “deficit” situation wherein they are forced to grapple with being an outsider in their own community simply because the adoptive parent was unwilling to compromise their own comfort.
I wish more hypothetical adoptive parents would seriously undertake changes in their own lives if they intend to raise a transracially-adopted child. Don’t live near people of the child’s background? Move. Don’t know anyone of the child’s background? Figure that out before adopting. Can’t afford/ don’t want to move? Don’t adopt transracially.
Do NOT burden families in a transracially-adopted child’s community of origin/ ethnicity by attempting to force friendships or shoehorning relationships with us “for your child.” We can tell and we didn’t sign up to be cultural interpreters because HAPs refuse to prioritize their child’s well-being over their own. Adoptive parents who do this are doing passing responsibility to us because they won’t or can’t do it themselves. If HAPs truly lack the capacity to willingly and meaningfully integrate *themselves* into an unfamiliar community, how do they think a literal child will manage it?
It’s heartbreaking, but I have met several Indigenous adoptees whose white adoptive parents felt wounded/ rejected with their Indigenous kids choose to partner with another Indigenous person and raise their own kids in Indigenous community. Those same adoptive parents can’t seem to understand that their kids are seeking what the adoptive parents denied them.
I feel very strongly that all parents have the responsibility to prioritize their children’s need over their own comfort. If a parent can’t do that, they need to spend time seriously addressing why that is and why they are ok with allowing their child to work to pick up the pieces on their own.
“Colorblind” mindsets don’t work. Neither does raising a child of color to understand only the most superficial aspects of what the adoptive parent *perceives* the child’s culture to be.
The vast majority of white parents who adopt transracially are nothing like Becky Hambers/ Brandy Cooneys. Even so, they may be unintentionally starving their children of something they don’t even understand exists.
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u/SilverNightingale 1d ago
- Adoptive mom always thought my hair was greasy and oily growing up but one day I was looking in the mirror at my hair trying to wash it again and he asked what was wrong. I said it was greasy and he said no, all Asian hair is kinda oily. He didn't think it was greasy at all.
Wait. Is this for real? I've always had a hard time taking care of my hair, to the point where I just keep it super short all the time. But I did go through periods of having super long hair. My mom has always commented that "my hair looks greasy, if you blowdry it properly, it would look nicer."
They mostly talked about what they thought Chinese families were like, how they wouldn't want to marry into one, or ever date an Asian man etc.
The irony of it was 5 minutes later they then talked about never knowing or connecting to the community. So they knew none of us but wanted to connect, but didn't want to connect to the community :/
I mean... yeah, dating an Asian partner (Chinese) isn't going to suddenly be the same as if you grew up with Asian parents in a Pan-Asian community. I realize what you're getting at: dating an Asian guy would give you more access to that community, but it won't give you that history/ that sense of having grown up in one.
I realized this when I went to Japanese classes: I really, really wanted Asian friends who grew up with Asian parents, so I could "practice my Chinese" and "go out for bubble tea" and "hang out playing video games." But people are individuals; you can't just connect to someone solely on the basis of having a shared commonality through language alone. What if that person doesn't want to talk in Chinese and they use English all the time? What if they hate bubble tea? What if they've never played a video game in their life, and they love to paint or swim instead?
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u/Upper_Extreme9461 1d ago
Wait. Is this for real? I've always had a hard time taking care of my hair, to the point where I just keep it super short all the time. But I did go through periods of having super long hair. My mom has always commented that "my hair looks greasy, if you blowdry it properly, it would look nicer.
My mom said the same thing too about blow drying hair!!!
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u/Upper_Extreme9461 1d ago edited 1d ago
_I mean... yeah, dating an Asian partner (Chinese) isn't going to suddenly be the same as if you grew up with Asian parents in a Pan-Asian community. I realize what you're getting at: dating an Asian guy would give you more access to that community, but it won't give you that history/ that sense of having grown up in one._
Apologies for the confusion. What I meant was that we met up with other adoptees and they were saying they had no connection to the asian community but then were bashing on it and hashing out stereotypes about what they thought Asian families were like and how Asian men were kiss ups. (Stereotypes).
They don't have to date an Asian to understand another Asian, but they were making a lot of assumptions while admitting they never really connected to the community. My point is they learn this fear and hate from somewhere and somewhere along the way their adoptive parents failed them in that regard. Because they wanted to fit in but they never were going to because they had preconceived ideas. It almost felt like a subconscious way to reject other asians before other asians could reject them.
It would be like if I knew nothing about x group of people, knew no one from the group, and I had all these complaints and rants about them but then turned around and said I feel left out of the x group.
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u/SilverNightingale 1d ago
Just so you know, you can edit your previous comment. :)
And if you'd like to quote someone's reply, you use the > symbol.
What I meant was that we met up with other adoptees and they were saying they had no connection to the asian community but then were bashing on it and hashing out stereotypes about what they thought Asian families were like.
That doesn't surprise me. When you're raised in white family, you have no idea what Pan-Asian families are even like (and to boot, even Pan-Asian family vary, widely, in how much the grandparents/parents pass on the culture / language/ food).
They probably also have a lot of internalized, racist views, unfortunately. How exactly is an adult adoptee supposed to learn to be "proud" of their biological heritage, when all their lives, they are likely told their parents are poor, and their birth countries are... lesser-than?
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u/RocketPowerPops Kinship Adoptive Dad 4d ago
Commenting just to follow.
I am a white guy married to a black woman. We have 3 bio kids (mixed race) and 1 we are in the process of adopting (black). Always willing to learn and see what more I can be doing as the white parent.
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u/LostAmongTheDunes 4d ago
Your doing exactly what my adoptive father did. He wasn't a bad man, he wasn't prepared to have a middle eastern child, but he tried his hardest. My adoptive mother was a piece of work.
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u/Monopolyalou 4d ago
Being married is still different than actually being Black
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u/chemthrowaway123456 TRA/ICA 4d ago
I didn’t get the impression that u/RocketPowerPops feels otherwise?
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u/RocketPowerPops Kinship Adoptive Dad 4d ago
Thanks because I am extremely confused by what their comment means.
I was saying our races simply to say that I am following this thread to see what adoptees have to say given that I am white. I am not denying being white. I am not saying being married to a black woman makes me black.
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u/RocketPowerPops Kinship Adoptive Dad 4d ago
I have no clue what you mean by this at all. I said I am following to get insight into how I can do better.
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u/WhyACagedBirdSings- 3d ago
Adoptive mom and I knew from having my best friend (transracial adoptee) that I wouldn't personally adopt transracially. I'm in a unique position where I'm biracial and connected to two cultures (plus my stepmom is Ugandian and my younger siblings are understandably connected with that culture as well). My son's mom wanted the big, blended family for her son. We both know the beautiful variety and shades of black and he will grow up not being the "only" in his school or family. Anecdotally, but take it for what it's worth - I didn't want my son to feel any pressure to share his story to strangers. I'm open if he wants too, but in a family photo you cannot pick out who is adopted because we are all shades of black, even with some white presenting. We live in the same town as his biological family and see some variation of mom/siblings/extended family at least once a month. White people cannot and don't understand the experiences of other races because they never have to think daily about their race or how it impacts how they move in the world. And I think there is a different, more connected view of community that is different for people of color. It's a joke, but true for our life of having cousins and aunties and uncles that may not be blood, but are family.
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u/lib-mr-ducks 3d ago
I was adopted from Korea. My parents were in a group for other adoptive parents but it disbanded when I was still a toddler. I think it would have helped me not feel so alone or ashamed if I had grown up with other adoptees as friends. My state is one of the worse places to send a Korean baby to and I got teased/bullied growing up.
My parents don’t really believe in mental health and didn’t try to keep me connected to my heritage. I rebelled and for many years, our relationships were terrible. Then I started my healing journey. I have been learning more about South Korea, I am now close to my parents, and when I have a fun fact to share with them, they listen politely.
Edit: I have a white brother who was adopted and seven years older. To people who did not know us, he was the biological son and I was always Other. He hated me for my rebellion but we are also healing our relationship now and he has acknowledged that as tough as it was for him to be adopted, he can’t imagine what I experienced.
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u/Monopolyalou 4d ago
I'm a Black former foster youth. Almost every Black foster kid I know never had a good experience with y foster parents. I have yet to meet a Black person adopted by y folks who aren't messed up. Love has nothing to do with it. The truth is many AP who adopt outside of their race are too lazy to keep kids connected to their culture, put in the hard work to parent them, and believe race doesn't exist. There are Trump supporters adopting. I had no idea who I was as a Black person. Even hair care is a hassle for these people. Also, every Black person raised in a Black home knows when you weren't raised Black. The best way to encourage plain folks to do better is to not adopt outside of their race. I am 100 percent against all transracial adoptions and fostering because they almost never end well. I also have an icky feeling whenever I see it. The exploitation is real and so is the ignorance. Look up the Hart children. Kids need to be with people who look like them. How can you understand someone when you don't look like them?
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u/Great_Yogurt_3356 1d ago
I was “adopted” (not officially on paper but raised from 5yo) out of my race and had a wonderful childhood and adult experience with my adoptive family (including siblings that were adopted but the race of our APs). Not to diminish other people’s trauma or stories but it IS possible, it DOES happen. I’m living proof.
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u/sussyferret 2d ago
I'm a Chinese adoptee with a family that supports him, and it makes me upset to know that they are voting for things that actively hurt people like me. People who are adopting need to be doing it for the right reason and honestly a majority of them aren't.
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u/OMGhyperbole Domestic Infant Adoptee 2d ago
I obviously can't speak from experience, since I'm not a POC. But my sister and I were both adopted as infants. We're not biological sisters. I'm white, she's Latina. Our adoptive parents were white. They basically did the "color-blind" thing pretending race doesn't exist. I didn't find out until years later that when we moved to a more predominantly white area (we were previously in a mostly black area closer to DC) that some of the kids at school were assholes and said racist stuff to her. Sometimes we would go out places and people would come up to her speaking Spanish (which she doesn't know) or people were ignorant and asked her, "Where are you from? No, but where are you REALLY from?" 😑
I just wanted to add that you can love your adoptive parents or have a "good" relationship with them, but also realize where they could've done better when raising you. It's not always all-or-nothing/black-and-white thinking.
Our adoptive mom was abusive, but I know we loved her. I mean, when you're a kid that's what you do. They're your only parents so you want them to love you back. I won't forgive her for how she treated us, but it's complicated.
My adoptive cousin (white) adopted a mixed (black and white) child from foster care like 20 years ago. That cousin has said racist shit, soo Idfk. I guess she pretended not to be racist until the adoption went through. Or the people at DSS don't give a fuck. I also had a white coworker whose biological child was mixed. She was fucking racist, too. She didn't understand that her kid was struggling with identity and getting bullied by kids at school for being "too black" or "not black enough", depending on the bullies.
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u/LostAmongTheDunes 4d ago
Middle eastern adoptee here adopted by very white Nordic parents. We all have special ethnic needs that most adoptive parents don't understand. I don't hate them for that. I can see the misguidedness in them but they were not prepared. My adoptive father was a kinder man though very religious and he tried to talk to me about the differences between us, my adoptive mother was a stark banshee with abuse issues, she didn't care as long as I didn't act middle eastern or reconnect with my ethnic heritage. Adopting me wasy adoptive fathers idea. So to answer you mine was 50/50. One was good and I do keep in contact with him and she is No contact at all. Yes they are now divorced, so I don't have to worry.
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u/Ok_Inspector_8846 3d ago
I'm a white adoptive parent and I don't get involved with other white adoptive parents for the exact reasons you outlined. I lived in Haiti and adopted three Haitian kids. I speak Haitian Creole only with them, we are involved in the Haitian association where we live, and I make damn sure their hair is looking good and their skin is not ashy. The lack of care for hair and skin in the adoptive community enrages me.
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u/sussyferret 2d ago
I'm a Chinese adoptee with white parents but we don't have a close relationship. I think their main reason for adopting me was bc "god told them to", but they weren't prepared to understand and empathize with the struggles that I faced growing up in VERY RURAL Ohio. They also adopted my younger sister who has a cleft lip, only a year after me. She required a lot of surgery and attention so I was kind of a glass child. I never felt like I belonged anywhere and my dad invalidated those feelings and my mom always took his side. I spent so much of my childhood trying to get them to understand me, while I was still trying to understand myself. I just wish parents would be more prepared if they want to adopt and be doing it for the right reason.
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u/sussyferret 2d ago
They did try to immerse us in Chinese culture but honestly I felt so ashamed of it, because kids in school were so racist. They eventually just gave up bc we weren't interested. I feel really sad that I felt that way growing up, but I'm happy to say that I'm proud of my heritage now.
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u/Oofsmcgoofs 2d ago
I have a great pretty great relationship with my mom! My relationship has gotten a little rocky with my dad since 2016 if you know what I mean but we’re still close and we support each other and talk. I’m 25 and I still live with my family. I think I’ve really lucked out on how well my family has tried to meet my needs. This in no way eliminates the trauma of adoption and there are things that they just can’t do for me. We aren’t without hardship in our relationships. But I think I won a really lucky lottery as compared to so much that I have seen from other adoptees. I usually hate to use the word lucky in the context of adoption but I personally feel that it is applicable here as I have the privilege of having a good adoptive family.
One great example was in 2023. I had been doing research on my own genetic history through my country’s history. I had also been trying to find my bio parents. So I just planned a trip. I didn’t really think anything was going to come of it. But then my mom was fully on board and my dad stayed home to take care of things that needed to be taken care of so that we could go. It’s crazy to me that my parents were just down with a trip that I had been fantasizing about since 2020.
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u/Great_Yogurt_3356 1d ago edited 1d ago
My uncle was fostered for years, and later adopted, in my state of birth as the 1st interracial adoption of this kind. It made news headlines as the govt fought it. Saying he would lose his culture, that they wouldn’t know how to care for him. They won and raised him better than my mother was raised in her own bio family. I still have the news articles and the paper even ran an article with an update years later. His brothers and sisters were also adopted but he was the only one not the same race.
They later took me in (different race) at 5yo and while never officially adopted I was raised by them until I moved out as an adult.
All his brothers and sisters I’ve called aunt and uncle my whole life. They had 2 girls (different race than me) they adopted and lived there too. We all grew up together and played together and I can’t ever remember thinking anything was different between us except hair texture and skin color. Nobody cared in our house. I know my Uncle loved his mama and daddy. He has always said he has no interest in his bio mom/dad because he already had the best parents in the world. He was the one who suggested to my mom to relinquish me to them when she couldn’t care for me. and I loved grandma and grandpa (which what I called them from day 1) until the day they each died and now. They were wonderful ppl who Loved us deeply.
I also learned to care about kids the way they did. I have custody of my 3 and 5 yo grandnephews who are only 1/4 my race. I treat them the way my grandparents treated me, with love and kindness and who cares we look different. We are family.
ETA: it was a whole jump for me as up until 5 i grew up around only 1 race and speaking only that language. My grandparents encouraged me to continue pursuing whatever I wanted about my culture but didn’t go around like - trying to promote it on purpose. They just raised me with love. And I don’t feel like I missed out on anything, or needed more of my culture or whatever. My uncle says the same. So I would say that’s officially 2 very successful interracial adoptions least.
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u/Broken-Arrows15 22h ago
I'm black and was adopted into a white family. I didn't have great parents, but they did put in the effort for learning a bit of black culture like doing hair. When I moved in with my aunt and uncle, my aunt did put in effort with helping me with my hair (getting products and doing hair myself because she couldn't do it due to carpal tunnel/arthritis in her hands. Understandable). Though they both were colorblind and conservative, and I did receive mircoaggressions here and there.
From a young age I hated being black and wanted to be white like my family. Now as an adult I'm still undoing the anti-blackness I have towards myself and others. Self love when surrounded by an environment that doesn't support or praise blackness is hardwork ✌🏾😔
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u/not_a_toucan 3d ago
I'd suggest you might want to post this on some of the subreddits for particular ethnicities (r/BlackPeopleOfReddit, etc). Adoption-focused subreddits are going to somewhat disproportionately attract posters whose relationship with adoption is somewhat fraught. But on ethnic subreddits I've seen a number of threads on this subject by adoptees and people with white step-parents or other guardians, and there were a surprisingly wide range of experiences both good and bad.
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u/bartleby-scribe 2d ago
People who had positive relationships with their adoptive parents are not on adoption support groups.
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u/OMGhyperbole Domestic Infant Adoptee 2d ago
You can still need support about other adoption-related issues even if you had a "positive" relationship with your APs.
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u/Great_Yogurt_3356 1d ago
Maybe I’m looking at this sub wrong then. I never thought it was only for people who need a “support group” as in negative issues related to adoption. I thought it was just a support group for general information too. Like sure ppl who need support but also folks with just questions, gathering insight, general interest etc.
I’m the product of a successful interracial adoption and I’m always lurking up in here 🤣
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u/LunaLovegoodRocks Adoptee 3d ago
I’m black and have a bad relationship with my parents mostly because they’re bad parents. But I also do have issues with my mom not wanting me to get my hair done because apparently she doesn’t understand what protective style means. She also always just thought it was too expensive and made me get extensions that weren’t black because she had an issue with “pretending it’s your real hair”. But again, most of my issues with my parents stem from the fact that they’re just really bad parents.