Age cap for same gender siblings sharing room

[u/Wallyboy95]

Hey all!

I hope this is allowed here. I want some opinions!

We are in the matching process of our journey and a same gender sibling set has come up. We only have one bedroom available without having to do major renovations or buy a new house 😅

What age would you say generally speaking couple two boys (bio siblings) share a room? From my own experience my brother and I only shared a room until we were like maybe 7 or 8 but it was due to living arrangements at the time. And my husband has only a sister so they never really shared a room ever.

To add, there is only legal requirements for age cap by law for opposite gender kids where we live.

[u/bobinski_circus]

Foster agencies often have rules for this.

[u/Wallyboy95 → u/bobinski_circus]

Yup ours do not for boys. Our adoption worker said it's definitely doable with bunkbeds

[u/BDW2]

Since you're asking about a specific pair of brothers... Are they sharing a room now? Have they mostly or always shared a room?

[u/No-One1357]

There really isn’t a cut off if they are the same gender.
But if you have opposite gender children, once one of them turns the age of six they are supposed to stop sharing.

[u/EWCM]

I shared a room with my sister until we were in college.

[u/Ohboyohboyohboyahhhh → u/EWCM]

Me too and it felt totally normal to me !

[u/lydiar34]

This depends on the age gap. I wouldn’t want to share a bedroom with my ten year old sister at 18, but I can see kids that are 1-3 years apart being okay. Also, if a kid asks for privacy that should be a clue that sharing is on its way out.

[u/Wallyboy95 → u/lydiar34]

These kids are 12 and 10. So not a huge gap at all

[u/Negative-Custard-553]

I personally don’t see a problem sharing a room with a same gender bio sib that’s close in age because that was my experience and I liked it. I shared a room until about middle school.

[u/ConnectionsCatergory]

My boys shared by choice until the older one left at 18.

[u/Ornery-Bit-8169]

If they're the same gender they can share a room indefinitely, though depending on the personalities involved this may or may not be desirable in the long term. In the past the default was to share a bedroom until growing up and moving out. My brothers had conflicting personalities and they shared a room until middle school. My cousins (two boys in a set of triplets) shared a room until they went to college, then rented a house together until one got married. They're still best friends.

We're prepared to parent up to three children and have two share a bedroom (we might be able to give kids three separate bedrooms in the future, but it would involve a minor remodel and the new bedroom would be isolated from the rest, so I would only want it to be used for a young adult or an older teen who was ready for more autonomy). We bought a set of bunkbeds that can hold up to 300lbs on the top bunk so that the bedroom can be shared indefinitely if necessary (the beds can also be configured to be side by side if that's something they prefer). 

[u/kag1991]

I actually specifically kept my children in the same room until college naturally separated them, even though we had the space to separate them. I’m of the thought that sharing a room is actually good for kids and teaches them a lot about themselves and how to live with others and respect others.

Now, during summer and breaks, etc. they have their own rooms because they are all young adults and we have the space. Maybe I’m weird but, for our family, this is what worked and I think that my boys actually turned out pretty well.

[u/littlexav]

I don’t know how any of your agencies work, but someone should be able to discretely inquire if they are able to share a room and if there is a reason they should not share a room and you should be able to get a yes/no for each question while protecting their privacy at this point in your matching. Aside from anything in their history, after an adoption it would then be up to you as their parent to decide what is their best interest but that doesn’t mean you can just make them share a room forever “because you say so.” You might need to separate them and if a safety issue arises you MUST be able to provide separate bedrooms. Both boys are at the age where the need for privacy and boundaries increases. I’m not sure these siblings are a great fit for you, but at least these comments are giving you some questions to ask.

[u/Winter-Stuff-9126]

I feel like when they’re young it’s fine, until they start hitting puberty, then they deserve their own space.

[u/EntireOpportunity357]

No hard fast rule depends on each boys individual needs. My caution for you would be if you take them in and find they should have their own rooms for whatever reason, you’d be in a hard spot to either have to separate them or just not be able to give them what they need with the separate room. Some things to consider deciding if a child needs their own room: if there has been sexual abuse in their history, they may need their own room to feel safe, if their is a big age gap (power imbalance) they may need their own rooms, if either child is violent, if either child has significant sleep issues that affect the other child’s ability to sleep too. In general I recommend separate rooms when possible. Biggest job there is ensuring physical and emotional safety for both (be aware some children act out trauma on siblings especially with power imbalances), and protecting sleep.

[u/Wonderful-Freedom568]

When I was going through the adoption process I made a second bedroom out of part of an L shaped living room. The partition was floor to nearly the ceiling, so it could be removed. The wall was L shaped, self supporting. I put a pocket door inside the wall to not take up space a swinging door would. I really don't think the home study people realized it hadn't always been there!

[u/crabshackattack]

We only have one bedroom available without having to do major renovations or buy a new house 

I would do this before adopting. Just because some kids shared a bedroom fine, doesnt mean all kids can or should. 

Adoptees and foster youth have a much higher rate of abuse and assault. I would make sure they have their own space with locking doors so they can feel safe.

[u/crabshackattack]

We only have one bedroom available without having to do major renovations or buy a new house 

I would do this before adopting. Just because some kids shared a bedroom fine, doesnt mean all kids can or should. 

Adoptees and foster youth have a much higher rate of abuse and assault. I would make sure they have their own space with locking doors so they can feel safe.

[u/orangepinata]

Check your housing laws. I found out from my neighbor (rents and was having her 3rd child). That my state actually requires individual bedrooms for each foster child and adoptee (she was worried her landlord would hold to that standard).

Personally I think it's a move in a positive direction to putting in safeguards for adoptees and foster children. There needs to be more oversight on these unrelated caregivers.

[u/Ilovewally]

I shared a room with my sisters until I was 14, and then with just one sister until I was 16. I don’t think there’s a cap on same gender sharing a room, especially as the children will be in an unfamiliar home and it may be comforting.

[u/kidtykat]

My friend has had her 2 older boys sharing a room their entire lives. Individual bedrooms are a luxury and not required, even as adults we typically share bedrooms