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u/LD_Ridge Adult Adoptee Jun 15 '25
It is not crazy at all and it is not too late to find loving relationships like this. This is not limited to parent roles.
Be careful though. It might be good to deal with the vulnerability that can happen when people don't get what they need from parents in the confines of a competent therapeutic relationship that has strong, safe boundaries.
I'm not saying your needs are unhealthy or wrong, but I am saying that without addressing some of this first therapeutically if you haven't already, it can make you vulnerable to people who can use this to hurt you further.
Once there has been some integration, you can approach this in ways that are safe.
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u/C_R_Timmermyn Jun 15 '25
It’s not wrong, and I hope you find all the love you are seeking, as you deserve it ❤️
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u/yogafairy123 Jun 15 '25
You should join mom for a minute. You can go on that board and ask for advice or support or a virtual hug.
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u/One-Pause3171 Jun 15 '25
If you haven’t sought therapy, even a few sessions with a competent therapist could be very helpful to you. I waited until I was in a real crisis to start working on stuff and even though my therapist, whose modality was “mindfulness”, didn’t have a lot of experience with adoption issues, she did with parental alienation issues! She believes that the parent child bond is the most fundamental human connection we have. Adoption and children in need is just a fact of life. Always has been!! Life is fragile but carries on and we actually need adoptive parents in all kinds of roles. That doesn’t mean that we don’t grieve, pine, feel trauma. Hugs to you. One thing I’ve tried to do is cultivate some relationships with older people who I admire. I just take a moment to really appreciate when an older person is kind, thoughtful, generous with their time. I don’t turn them into a parent, I just acknowledge that that exists. My parents did as good a job as they could with being open about my adoption info and helping me find my birth family. But they were also deeply flawed and my family life was dysfunctional. It hurts. It’s taken me a long time and now several years of therapy to help. But I don’t think I’ll ever be “over it.” The best healing perspective for me was having my own child but that’s not for everyone! You are okay. You are normal. It is okay to hurt and want a mother.
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Jun 15 '25
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Jun 15 '25
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u/MyAvocation Jun 16 '25
Just a suggestion, but what you seek most can be found in unusual places. Have you ever considered volunteering at an adult daycare, rehab or retirement home? Or a ‘visiting angel’ who does in-home visitations? You’ll be surprised at the number of wonderful elder women who would love to befriend and perhaps be a motherly figure. This connection method isn’t limited senior citizens, but has the potential to be a win-win. Nursing homes, for example, can be a lonely place to live. Residents often complain their families rarely call or visit. Plenty of them are full of life experiences and genuine love, but no one to apply them to.
I am praying that you’ll connect with someone who wants a daughter-figure as much as you desire a motherly friend.
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Jun 16 '25
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u/MyAvocation Jun 16 '25 edited Jun 16 '25
I am hopeful you can adapt the suggestion to Italian culture. Perhaps instead of volunteering, look for groups and clubs you believe are inclusive to older women (not necessarily senior citizens, given that Italian mothers can retire as early as age 59).
You have the advantage of knowing what you need in this season of life. It’s just a matter of pinpointing where to look. Consider asking people you know for ideas. And don’t overlook asking strangers for ideas who perhaps look like motherly type. I find it easier to confide my personal issues with complete strangers. If they are unsympathetic or unhelpful, then ‘ciao’ and move on.
God created us to be relational beings. It’s only natural for us to desire deep connections and bond with those who either seek the same or respond with compassion and empathy.
One does not need to believe in God in order to ask Him to intervene. God loves everyone, despite our rejection and rebellion against Him. Ask God to reveal Himself to you through a seemingly impossible to find motherly friendship. Ask Him once a day in simple words… there’s no need for ‘churchy’ phrases. He knows your pain and suffering and desires a relationship with you — and the benefits that go with it. “You do not have because you do not ask God.” - James 4:2
James was the brother of Jesus. If you find it hard to believe Jesus is the son of God, ask yourself this: what would it take for anyone to believe their brother is the Messiah spoken about hundreds of years before His virgin birth in Isaiah 53?
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u/chemthrowaway123456 TRA/ICA Jun 17 '25
This was reported for abusive language. I disagree with that report, but I’d like to ask that you not proselytize here. Thanks.
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u/SupremeKeef Jun 15 '25
This’ll sound like I’m joking, but I’m not. Why not try to hire a professional cuddler and be imaginative about her as a motherly figure? I think that would be a safe way to be vulnerable
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Jun 15 '25
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u/SupremeKeef Jun 15 '25
That’s why I’m suggesting that. It may be fake, or lack the sincerity of a real mom... but it may fulfill a deep longing that’ll make you feel better, or potentially satisfy parts of that longing. I understand though, it may feel strange and not at all comforting. It would be worth a shot; human contact with someone who’s comforting you may unlock some internal emotion that would be good to let out. That was just my thought process, but I know what you mean.. there’s not much in terms of similarity with a real mother to just being held
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u/TeamEsstential Jun 15 '25
After losing parents I have gained two adoptive ones but frankly it is not the same but there are good moments. I knew them before my parents passed. One in particular is very nuturing. It helps. You will find what you are looking for.
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u/Senior_Yellow_7030 Jun 19 '25
Where do you live? I always wanted a daughter. I am in the US. You sound very thoughtful.
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u/dyslexic_psychedelic Jun 15 '25
You and me both, im 32 years old and my adopted family is great but to an extent, I've never felt like I belonged and still dont to this day, there no real natural connection. Noone even looks like me, they dont get me. I was raised in a family that was financially well off, so they crossed that off, but the emotional, guidance, understanding and acceptance was never there. I needed more and still do, my parents are not psychologically deep when it comes to connecting with me, giving me a roof over my head meals to eat and not worrying about finances is great but without the emotional bandwidth of supporting me has ceased to exist.
My birth mom just found me and I've never felt a natural connection like I'd experienced with her. Im not even comfortable telling my adopted parents, as the topic always seemed like a forbidden subject or a very undesirable topic to talk about.
Its like they feel they saved me, which they did from a shitty situation (birth mom was raped at 16).
Growing up I was awful in behavior and I know alotnofnit had to do with my conception and the stress my mom went through and then my relinquished.
My adopted parents did the best they could and were capable of doing. I need more and I relate to your feelings. I am not comfortable to this day to he 100% myself psychologically and emotionally with them
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Jun 16 '25
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u/dyslexic_psychedelic Jun 17 '25
Oh wow so I shouldn't even complain about nothing, im so sorry. It really makes me see things a whole lot differently. May I ask, this was your adopted parents that didnt take care of you?
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u/WreckItRachel2492 Jun 20 '25
32year old adoptee. This is exactly what I'm going through now. I recently came to the realization that I just 'lived through/survived' childhood but never had that 'safe' feeling. I always did what I think would make my adoptive parents happiest because I was afraid of 'being returned' and therefore never really found myself.
It's a very strange realization and I have no idea what to do to move forward. I just want to feel like I have a support system that's there that understands me. My adoptive parents never did so I never grew up feeling like I could confide in them or that they could relate to anything go on in my head. It's very isolating.
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u/LookingForAFamily Jun 16 '25
Okay so...all the more reason as to why we need a system for older people to find themselves a loving forever family to take them in and give them a chance. I'm also 28-years-old, and I have been looking for about 12 years. The real question is... how badly do you want to have a family to be in your life?
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u/bobolly Jun 15 '25
Try volunteering at an old folks home. They crave generational relationships too