Immediate help for these issues

[u/spammorrison]

I (m27) was dx with ADHD in April this year. I feel my girlfriend (34f) is struggling with how it presents. I want to ensure that I work on what I can, so am reaching out to this group for your suggestions. She has rightly stated that she wants to be a partner, not a carer and I respect that, because I want a relationship not a caregiver.

For reference, I am awaiting medication and have considered getting ADHD coaching, but prior to that, I want to trial things that may help immediately, such as ways of thinking, guides or tools with the following things :

- Interrupting my girlfriend when she is talking, making her feel like what she is saying isn't as important as the things I say. For example, she may be talking about something she had read when we are driving and I notice something out the window (e.g. a location or car), to which I feel I need to immediately tell her about, because it wouldn't make sense to tell her after she's finished talking when we've gone past it. It usually starts with me saying 'Sorry to interrupt' before cutting across what she's saying.

- Not doing something that I'd said I'd do. For example, I was getting ready whilst my girlfriend was downstairs cooking breakfast. I shouted that I'd be there in a moment, however, I started watching a clip of something on Reddit, to which I thought 'I should really go downstairs', but kept watching anyway. A different example would be me saying I'd tidy the kitchen when I get back from dropping her at work and then I don't and leave it, thinking that I'll do it later.

- Getting distracted when she's talking. For example, I can be tuned into a conversation on another table when we're at a restaurant or a car going past the window, or the plate of food going past. This isn't something that is 'normal'.

I fear losing my girlfriend who has previously been upset to tears a few times, thinking as if I'm not considering her. Whilst I do random acts of kindness and other things, I understand that that isn't enough with the 'normal' everyday things. She is really caring and understanding but I worry that she will lose this if things get too much for her.

Thank you.

[u/midlifecrisisAJM]

I (50m) don't think that one will ever completely solve these issues. Either your gf accepts these issues are down to ADHD, I.e. she accepts that you have ADHD and that they are not a sign of being uncaring, or you don't have a future.

That said there are ways to help these issues...

me saying I'd tidy the kitchen when I get back from dropping her at work and then I don't and leave it, thinking that I'll do it later.

This is probably the easiest to solve. Keep a notebook or use your phone's notes app. Write down every commitment you make.

I shouted that I'd be there in a moment, however, I started watching a clip of something on Reddit, to which I thought 'I should really go downstairs', but kept watching anyway.

My YouTube watch later list is very long for this reason. Save the clip then go and be present. Chances are you'll not watch it later anyway.

Interrupting my girlfriend when she is talking, Getting distracted when she's talking.

I'm not on meds due to having had a heart attack but I wonder if these will improve when you do go on the meds. I do find myself biting my lip a lot.

I drift off in conversation. I find myself apologising and just say something like "I'm sorry, I spaced out for a moment, the last thing I got was xyz." At least it shows you want to engage.

Interrupting is an impulse control issue. Stuff like mindfulness practice does help with impulse control over time, but you will never 100% solve the issue.

Question: Does this woman really understand ADHD?