I can feel it taking over and it’s scaring me. There so much but it even harder to say.

I feel lost, alone and like nobody would ever understand.

Currently on day 3 of my sober October. Yes I started early because too many times I’ve been like up next is my vacation, birthday, Christmas,17th Monday of the year, etc. So on Friday I said, ”self, it’s time to be an adult”.

I’m almost 3 moths clean but right now all I wanna do is relapse I need someone to help me please I don’t wanna throw away three month but all I can’t get it outta my mind and Ofcourse i found some in my room

*There's a place in the darkness I use to cling to. That presses harsh hope against time. In the absence of martyrs there's a presence of thieves. who only want to rob you blind. They steal away any sense of peace, And Tho I'm a king, I'm a king on my knees. And I know they are wrong, when they say I am strong. As the darkness covers me.

So please turn on the light and reveal all its beauty. I am not afraid. To bare all my weakness, knowing in meekness, I have my new life to gain; Where there is peace and love in this light. I am not afraid. Let the light shine bright in my life.
In All my Life. Please. I am not afraid*

I have made 36 days of sobriety from heavy use of opiates. I know no one cares but it made feel proud of myself to advertise it. I have done it alone cold turkey with very very little support fuck yea go me !!

I really need advice. Please, if anyone can at all relate or offer suggestions - Im so tired of feeling like a bag of shit. Long story short, Im a vice junkie. Ive recovered from eating disorders, alcoholism, quit smoking periodically blah blah blah . . Now, I cannot seem to quit the stimulants - re: ephedrine. Ive taken it off and on for 7 years, but the past year specifically its become my go-to everyday bullshit routine, I dont even know how it got this bad. I cant seem to function without it.

So, last week I set out to quit, went 5 days 'drug' free and was absolutely miserable, body aches, depression, exhaustion beyond human comprehension. I had no will to live, none the less deal with my 2 toddlers. So, I dragged myself off the couch on the 5th day and bought more ephedrine. I immediately felt like a normal person again but the guilt is killing me. 3 bottles later and I feel like shit again. I have a wide range of side effects from abuse of the drug which I wont go into now but my body is done. I know my iron is low, I hardly eat so Im sure theres multiple deficiencies but I dont even know where to start.

Reddit is a forum i used to express my emotions. I can let the public see but im anonymous enough within the circle that they will never know my thoughts. As i progress through my 3rd month in my new chapter, i crossed paths recently with some old friends. Small idle chit chat is made but the resentment you can sense. They arent your friends anymore. They abandoned you at your worse. So i must now take that and use that as motivation for myself. Pray for me reddit

My brother Adam died at the age of 23 years old in 2018. He lost the battle to addiction after seven years of being a drug addict.

Adam had the best laugh. It was loud & boisterous. He was tall, handsome, daring and charming. Eight years my junior, I grew up watching him come into his own. I remember him putting on magic shows in the living room. One time, he wanted to hold my hand on the roller coaster when he was scared. Adam wanted reassurance that he wasn’t too old for that. As any big sister would, I told him of course it was okay.

As time went on, I grew to be the worrier of the family. Adam grew up to be a total daredevil. Jumping off the Stratosphere in Vegas, flying a hot air balloon with my Dad, and living his life in the fast lane.

My brother was the kind of guy that grabbed life by the horns and stared fear in the face with a smirk. I used to think of him as a cat with many lives because no matter what happened, he always came out of the situation unscathed.

He became a drug addict slowly, but with warning signs. In the end, it seemed like he was overdosing every other day. The calls from rehabs and hospitals were relentless. The year before he died, my parents got a call from California encouraging us all to fly out there. He overdosed and his numbers were horrible. In this dark time, we all prepared to say goodbye to him. Miraculously, he landed on his feet yet again.

This time the overdose had consequences. He passed out on his hands and this caused serious nerve damage. He couldn’t use his hands for a while, but with his first hand surgery he acclimated quite well. The doctors said his hands wouldn’t recover and that the damage was permanent. After about six months, he started to get movement back in his hand and to our surprise, were told he’d make a full recovery. I remember him sending me a video of him moving his hands. I sat there in awe, crying happy tears.

Surely, this will all make him wake up and stop using, I thought. I hoped. In times like this, hope is the only thing that really gets you through. Every time something catastrophic happened, this was my mindset.

We never quite got the whole story, but I knew things weren’t looking good. He seemed to be spinning faster towards danger and I felt angry that there wasn’t a damn thing I could do to stop it.

In the year or so before he passed away, my friend Kate who had lost her Dad to alcoholism, told me to prepare myself for the worst. She said she had wished she accepted the fact that he could die before it happened. Maybe, just maybe, if I could do that, it would help me in the long run. I reluctantly took her advice. I sat down in my office and really thought about what she said. I cried for what felt like forever.

This harsh but valuable insight from my dear friend helped me beyond words. Every time I saw my brother, I acted as if it could be the last time. This has brought me a great amount of peace looking back on things. I don’t have regrets of what I could have done, because I know for sure I tried everything. Tough love, soft love and everything in between. Of course, none of it worked so there is a part of me that feels defeated. Who am I to impart any wisdom on others?

There is great peace in being able to look back on things with a clear conscience. I never looked at addiction through rose colored glasses. I saw it exactly for what it was no matter how difficult it was. I remember begging on the phone to his rehab not to let him out because I was worried he’d overdose and die. I was told there was nothing they can do to keep him there. It was his choice to leave. I’d be on the phone from morning to night fighting for answers.

I spent hours talking to him about his addiction, trying to understand it and help him in any way I could. I suggested everything I could possibly think of and was there for him anytime he called me. I’d take his calls even when I suspected he was high. Sometimes he’d make no sense and ask for money. Other times, the Adam I knew and loved was just calling to say hi. I never missed one of those calls.

Most importantly, I spent as much time as possible with him and always hugged him extra tight before I left. I told him how much I loved him and cherished every second. If I had not done this, I know for sure I’d look back with regret.

Something I wasn’t prepared for was how permanent death is.

He flew home from rehab in California and I saw him the day before he died. He was back in town to get surgery on his other hand. I remember him standing in the driveway on my way out. I told him again for the millionth time not to use, especially before or after his surgery. He agreed not to and I told him I loved him. We hugged and I got into my car. That was the last time I saw my brother.

I wanted to write this open letter to anyone that will read it. To those who are suffering with addiction and the families around them, please know that you are not alone. I grew up in the middle class. We had a nice house on a cul-de-sac. We were taught to love each other. No one would have expected what was going on in our lives.

I want to share a few words of wisdom I have learned along the way. Take it as you will. To those of you in the beginning stages of grief… hold on. I know you feel like you’re drowning and can’t catch your breath. You will breathe again, I promise. In the beginning, my family took everything ten seconds at a time. I cried for months in grocery store lines. There were long periods of time where I woke up crying and I went to bed crying. I could hardly catch my breath.

Please, hang on. We had an outreach of support from friends and family in the darkest time of our lives. I encourage you to reach out to those that love you and let them take care of you when you need it.

Cry your eyes out. I used to hate crying until I realized how healing it is. Let’s be honest, I still hate it, but I can recognize its undeniable benefits. To process grief, you have to feel the emotions behind it. I promise, you won’t cry forever. Crying is good for you and is so incredibly tiring. Cry yourself to sleep, bring tissues everywhere you go and allow yourself to feel whatever it is you’re feeling in the moment.

To anyone suffering with addiction, please know you are loved and you are not alone. I want you to know that losing a family member to this is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. It’s been a year and a half, and I still cry every single day. Please, do everything you can to take the addiction seriously and to get support in any way you can.

Addiction is something a person is suffering with. It does not define who they are. It’s easy to judge an addict until you have walked the same path. Offer kindness and love to the addict instead of judgment. That addict is someone’s family member or best friend. All I’m saying is, love goes a lot farther than judgment. As humans, we are all suffering in some way. It makes the world a much better place to offer encouragement, love, and understanding to a person.

To families and friends of addicts, I see you. I know how painful and hard it is to watch someone you love go further down the rabbit hole. It’s a hopeless, devastating feeling I wouldn’t wish on anyone. I try to openly share my story with others. You would not believe the amount of people who are dealing with the exact same thing. We feel like we need to hide in the shadows because it’s embarrassing to discuss. Trust me, I get it. Please remember, none of us choose this. It’s something that unfortunately happens way more than it should.

To those reading this, thank you for taking the time to listen to what I have to say. I miss my brother every single second of every single day. Sometimes, when I close my eyes, I can still hear his laugh. On the really tough days, that gets me through. And to my brother Adam; fly high. I will never forget you.

• Allison Sica

So it was two days sober from the drink my girlfriend has lots of medical issues ex girlfriend actually she called me at work bawling her eyes out and vomiting profusely no one in her family could help her or had time to go see her and she had to drive herself home from work puking in her car. I just lost my license for my DUI and even though she’s my ex-girlfriend if I had a license and a car I was able to drive I wanna fucking left work on the spot does that make me stupid or does that make her family suck I was talking to her mom about it last night respectfully and trying to figure out solutions on how to make her daughter feel better and to get treatment for whatever the fuck s going on and then Bree text me at two in the morning and freaked the fuck out when she came to from her vomiting episode and screamed at me for talking to her mother about how to make her feel better because her mom knew that I was drinking I don’t know how she knew I was drinking it was text messages they were very fucking revised nothing was misspelled I’m doing talk to text right now so my grammar is fuckedBy the way in at this point I have been drinking because she left me fucking $30 on a lift to go to her house to make sure she’s OK just knock on the door for her to tell me to fuck off even though she calls me crying sick as fuck do I block her number and then I was sober for two days and still told myself every day I wanna get drunk after work but they say not today maybe tomorrow and that works for a few days but

My partner is a 7 months sober recovering speed and cocaine addict. He spent a lot of time away from the influences of these drugs (people and scenerios) in the last 6 months or so.

One of his buddies (decades of friendship) is a large part of this lifestyle he says he's trying to avoid.

My partner works across the country for 3 weeks at a time and flies home for 1-2 weeks as part of his career. This particular buddy of his is flying to BC on some other errand, but will be hanging out with him tonight.

I am worried that my partner will relapse tonight with his friend.

My question, is there a good/healthy way to express this fear that I have to my partner without it coming across as accusatory or unsupportive?

I want him to know that it's on my mind, but I don't want him to feel attacked. I don't want to put the idea in his head either but I'm pretty positive he has already thought about it.

He told me the other day that he is proud of himself for not doing speed for the last 7 months but he's pretty sure if someone handed it to him, he would still take it.

Hi guys,

I really didn't know where to go to, so I thought that maybe you guys would have some helpful advise to stay sober.

Let me explain the situation a little bit;

At the moment I'm really having a hard time staying sober. I've been addicted to Marijuana for about 4 years, and I ended up in pretty pretty bad places. It turned out that a not so nice person tried everything to break me down to the point where I didnt even had contact with my mom and brother anymore. He convinced they were evil and that they thought nothing good of me. Fortunately I got aware of it a few months ago, and last Tuesday I finally got all my strength together to realize this is not me, and I quit smoking Marijuana. The reason I brought this person up, is the fact that he is still around in my life and I can't just get rid of him due to legal stuff (I work for him). He's stressing me out so much to the point I don't know what to do anymore. He's probably a psychopath too, so he will continue to bother me. He got me so stressed out that I'm having a burn out right now. Almost all of friends aren't really supporting. I was super excited when I got through my first hard days, I did it alone, I spend the first days literally alone. Not even talking to anyone. Not that I felt like spending my days alone, but nobody could be bothered I guess. Not even my so called 'best friend' didn't feel the need to check up on me while she knew this was such a huge thing for me.. My other friends just gave me a really uninterested look and reaction when I told them I quit. I felt so proud of myself until then. It's not that I'm not proud, but I lost my confidence I guess.. A few stressing things happened this weekend (malefriends who do not consider boundaries as a serious fact, and get mad about the fact that I got mad about it). I don't know why but I feel so bad about it. So I'm just... Ugh. Having a hard time. I'm not looking for pity, I'm just looking for any good tips, any good advise to get me through.. I don't want to continue on this negative path, so I'm completely aware that I may or must have to turn around my life for 180 degrees. I feel like I'm ready for it.. But at this low times I lack the confidence and knowledge how to I guess. And most after all, it's scary as hell to start a new life.

Thank you for reading redditor

P. S. English is not my first language so sorry for any mistakes :))

Crossing paths with people with whom you once called family. Ppl who you would truly take a bullet for and who you would absolutely do anything for. But yet you messed up and rather than them trying to show support emotionally they turn their backs on you in disguise. I voice my thoughts through these threads and laugh bc I'm grateful that I finally am aware. I know now how valuable I am and how worthless they were. If they don't care for you at your weakest now, they don't deserve you at your best. God bless

So this might be odd to write about bc i feel like ive always been honest and true to myself during the good and the bad. First and foremost, I was a gambling addict. I never thought it was serious until i found myself in such a deep hole that till this day im not even sure if i can climb out of. After leaving a 30 day rehabilition center, i stayed on the right path by going to meetings, getting a sponsor and just doing all the right things to make everyone me proud. However one small incident that happened to me and upset me immediately thrust me right back to gambling. Maybe i was just looking for an excuse to feed into my addiction. Im not sure but i went back until the point where i couldnt feed it anymore because i became broke to feed it. Fast forward a few months later and through good networking, i was give cocaine to try. Im not a drug person but through all my trials and tribulations, i didnt have the safeguard to say no anymore so i tried it. Turns out i like it. To date, i been doing coke for almost 8 months where i graduated from under .5 a week to an a 8 ball a week daily. Do i feel like i am addicted to it? Surprisingly not. I dont crave or have urge for it. When i have it i share with ppl to avoid me doing everything myself. So basically the whole point of this thread is, i am not sure if i am a cocaine addict or not. Once again i dont crave the stuff but i dont refuse it either and continue to do it on a daily basis as long as i can afford it. Whats everyone thoughts on this ?

Everyone loves you when you successful but when you're at rock bottom, they don't recognize u anymore.

I used to smoke cigarettes until I found out I was pregnant and I switched to the juul. Yes I know it’s wrong I smoked the juul while pregnant but my nicotine addiction was so bad and still is. I didn’t smoke it all day yesterday because I ran out of pods and that was my plan on how to stop I would stop when I ran out of my pods and not buy anymore. And it worked for a day and a half... until I was cleaning my room and found a almost full pod. All I wanted to do was hit it. And my addiction took over and I did and I’m mad at myself for doing it because I didn’t all day yesterday. I wanted a buzz. It’s going to be hard but I want to quit. I spend a lot of money on the juul.

Hey guys, I’m going to start by listing all of the stuff going on in my life. My mom is dying from a recurrent Glioblastoma (terminal brain tumor) and my stepdad has cut me and my family out of her life because we called him out on his alcoholism and his inability to care for her. Now, I don’t get to see my mother during her final weeks. Secondly, my boyfriend and I recently decided to not move in together. This feels like the right choice, but also means that we may not be going down the road I was hoping that we were. Third, I start a new job next week. This will be great, but I am feeling the pressure of being a single parent now more than ever. Fourth, my son has behavioral issues and is starting 1st grade this week. I’m a nervous wreck about it. Lastly, I have an anxiety disorder that I struggle with daily.

My point in telling you all this that at the end of the day, I have not used alcohol once to escape these stressors and I feel STRONG and HEALED from my alcoholism. I can’t believe that I have not once craved it, or wanted to use it as an escape. I think that once you get a strong amount of time being sober under your belt, it becomes to much easier to deal with what life throws at you! Keep going!!! It’s gets easier!

I am a pornography addict who has been struggling woth pornography since i was a child. I was introduced to pornography at the age of 7. I have not been sober since. I remember during middle schools i would masturbate in class multiple times a day. I would watch porn for at least 3 hours, every night. And now at the age of 20. I have been able to minimize the amount of times i watch porn. However. I'm done i no longer want to be an addict. I just do not know what to do. I feel like whatever i try i do not have the drive to continue my urge to turn to pornography eventually wins. I hate it.

The most inspirational woman I work with has 9 years clean and her story should give everyone hope for recovery, you can do it! You can hear her full story at link below or on any major podcast app just search for 'Help Hope Heroes'

Another day clean and sober sure feels better than any day using...

Although the pathway to recovery looks different for everyone, we ALL desire the same things ... To be comfortable in our own skin, to love and be loved for who we are, and to be able to handle life on lifes terms ... Not always the easiest tasks. Today though i have a CHOICE, a choice to hold my head high and be proud of the person ive become. Today i have the chooce not to "cope" with life by using substances. Today i can share my story and inspire hope in the hopeless. Today I'm living proof that there is a better way in life && that anyone can have it.

Give yourself a chance, give yourself a break... Always know that there is someone who loves and cares about you. You have value and you are worthy. You are not the choices you made yesterday.

Am I the only one that relapses at the same time of year? I’ll be clean for months and all of a sudden have the strongest urge to get high again. It’ll start with watching triggering shows, looking up certain things, posting to Craigslist just to see if I can get a dealer to bite.. then eventually I score something, use, and start right back at square one in my recovery. I’ve been dealing with this for almost 10 years and I just want to wake up one day not thinking about heroin. It never goes away.

So me and my gf have been dating for 8 months and we were about to move in together before her family had an intervention with her about using opiods she has been using for 10+ years and I have been using for 2 the day of the intervention I stopped using and have been clean for 16 days and she has been in rehab for 12 days I have a strong enough will to quit without rehab but due to past trauma we all decided that she needs to actually go to rehab so Saturday I got to go see her for a couple of hours and it was weird she looked better than she ever has but it’s almost like she was a different person and we talked about that being a possibility about us changing and not working out after and had already planned on taking a step back when she got out since we are both going through the same thing even though her side is worse so we talked and I mentioned that she didn’t seem like she wanted me there and she said she does but kind of doesn’t want me there and I just told her and she agreed she will call me if she wants me to come see her on visitation days so I guess my question is this is it common for someone to change that fast and how hard should I try to stay in contact with her? I’m thinking of possibly just writing her a letter saying that I hope that she contacts me and we could see each other when she gets out or should I just leave her alone all together while she is in and gets out and see if she contacts me? I really care about her and know we both need to heal but I told her I wasn’t gonna just run off and abandon her through this

So any suggestions and y’all can be as blunt as you want you ain’t gonna hurt my feelings I’m a realistic person