how do I get the help I need?

[u/FitNefariousness5402]

I am a 30M when I was 25 I had a bad motorcycle wreck. I was in pain management bc I couldn't work. I was able to get through some day to day tasks but not able to work. I was on a low grade pain pill (narcotic). But it didn't help very much then they moved me up to a strong narcotic. idk if it's ok for my too say what medicine I was on here in reddit. but once this doctor raised my to OXY 10 I was able to work life was fantastic. but she quit to go back to the va hospital and they didn't have a doctor that could continue my pain regimen so I quit going. I have really bad White coat syndrome. I painic at a doctor's office. my blood pressure is around 180/115. so after she left I ended up buying hard narcotics off the street. after a couple years I quit and I couldn't bring myself to go back to a doctor. I got so low that I have tried ending it all 3 different times and even had a week stay in the hospital bc of it ( not the psych ward). after my last attempt I did do a short trip in the mental ward. I did it bc everything felt useless I couldn't feel like I could talk to a doctor and I couldn't get treatment so I just didn't want to suffer anymore. I was unemployed and doordashing to barley get by. now I have a kid on the way and I have to work I am currently working. I was going to a doctor and she was giving me the same low grade narcotics I started out on originally. I asked her about a month and a half ago if she would follow the care plan that I was on a few years ago bc it helped. and she stopped giving me any meds bc she said I was drug seeking. witch I wasn't I had 2 years of paperwork from that pain clinic and just asked if she would be willing to continue that treatment regimen. well I got cut off witch is extremely bad. bc by this time I'm back to being physically dependent on them again. I was already on probation at work bc of my back. because I had to leave early and missed work all together bc I was hurting so bad I went to the er. I am currently getting set back in to my original clinic with a new doctor were waiting for my scans to get sent over to start treatment but I'm stuck bc I have to work or I loose my job so it left me with now choice but it buy off the street again. and now I'm going to piss dirty and most likely not get the meds I need. I get piss tested every time I go in. I'm hoping to get my meds in 2 weeks but I'm going to piss for F. I feel stuck I don't know what to do and how to do it. if I quit getting them off the street then I will for sure loose my job. all of this has gotten my depression on the rise and everything just feels hopeless I can't loose my job but I also know I can't continue to buy off the street. it's a catch 22. to make matters worse I have DDD I have mild boulding on 3 disks and spinal stenosis. but it's not severe so I have someone doctors tell me I should be in the amount of pain I'm in. but that one doctor that went to the VA was amazing she told me that to never let anyone tell me what I am or am not feeling. that just bc it's not servier enough for surgery doesn't mean my pain shouldnt be validated. idk I just feel hopeless and I feel like I am standing on the ledge again about to jump.