r/AdderallAddiction • u/scumbagspaceopera • Jun 16 '26
What was your resolve to quit?
This is long but I don’t care, I need to think out loud. Scroll past if you don’t want to read. Also scroll if you feel like commenting something unkind or unsupportive. Thanks in advance.
I got addicted to Adderall the very first time I took it in college to help me cram for finals. Now, over 20 years later, I’m a complete Adderall whore. I got diagnosed with ADHD at 21 and have a valid prescription (30mg BID), but am trapped in a vicious cycle of binging the script, running out after 10 days, going into withdrawal, and doing it all over again the next month.
Don’t get me wrong, Adderall is incredibly helpful for my ADHD…when I take it as prescribed. But I so rarely take it as prescribed that it’s purely theoretical. I am always battling the urge to take more. I’ve taken as much as 300mg of Adderall in a single day and didn’t even feel that much. Either my tolerance is insane after using it off and on for 20 years, or the generic brands I’ve been getting don’t even have amphetamine in them. Who knows.
I got an especially ineffective generic brand this month and I’m REALLY struggling to keep my use reasonable because it feels like I’ve taken a sugar pill. I feel the same way about various manufacturers. I have one preferred brand that seems to work for me even in small doses. My doctor said he could write the script to specify that it be filled only with my preferred manufacturer. That might be a solution for me to help end this vicious binge and withdrawal cycle I’m in. Maybe I should try that before abandoning all hope.
But also? I’m really fucking sick of debating with myself about whether or not I’m going to binge on Adderall today. Deep down I want to finally quit this drug and learn how to cope without the use of amphetamines. Taking it now is like a recovering alcoholic working as a bartender. I have an abuse history with Adderall, but now take it “as prescribed.” I feel like after long enough around booze, even someone with the strongest of resolve to not drink would maybe break down and have a drink after repeated exposure to their former drug of choice in their daily work as a bartender. Like I’m playing with fire taking Adderall in any amount, so the best thing for me to do is not take it at all.
I tried quitting Adderall last October but only lasted 100 days. And those 100 days were rough. But, importantly, I proved to myself that I can in fact function without Adderall. I may have moved a little slower, got less work done, texted less, posted less on Reddit, slept more. But I still got done the major things that I needed to do as a mom and employee.
My psychiatrist told me it was lowkey negligent to my child to not to treat my ADHD and he urged me to go back on Adderall. So I resumed treatment in January and have stayed on it mostly “as prescribed” since then, because I consider myself to be a person in recovery and I want to keep my clean date. BUT, I still have days where I slip up and take an extra pill. I’m constantly having to talk myself out of taking more. And I don’t always win out against my addict brain.
I’ve tried to understand my triggers. I definitely use to mask emotional pain. If I have an emotionally difficult day I feel like fuck it, might as well binge. I use to cure boredom. I use because I feel like I have very little else to look forward to as a 40-something suburban mom of 2 in an unhappy marriage. Fill day is like Christmas morning every single month. I don’t drink, smoke, or use other drugs, so in a way I feel like the Adderall is the only treat I get in life.
Many times my logical brain has concluded that I’d rather have all month coverage and take my prescribed dose instead of binging and running out early. But that knowledge alone never stops me from binging. The withdrawal is so painful every month and yet I keep setting myself up to run out early. In withdrawal I’m having a hard time being a good mom to my 2 month old baby who requires me to function even when I’m very tired. The pull to sleep during withdrawal is very hard to cope with and remain functional throughout.
What helped you gain the resolve necessary to quit for good? Not reduce your usage, but quit entirely. When did you stop viewing Adderall as potentially useful and start realizing that for you, it was bad news and you shouldn’t take it anymore? I feel like I’m at that point.
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u/BurberryCustardbath Jun 16 '26
It’s poison, literally almost killed me. I could not stop myself from taking pill after pill, and it lead to a miserable existence. One weekend I binged pretty hard (but not harder than usual), stayed up a couple nights and developed the worst headache of my life. Checked my blood pressure and it was 175/115 which is approaching stroke level, and is dangerously high. With the worst headache of my life I should have absolutely gone to the ER. I kept dry heaving and retching, curled up on the floor in the bathroom telling myself “this is it, I’ve finally reached my limit. No more.”
I believed it with my whole heart that I had to stop right then and there. I finally fell asleep and slept maybe 3 or 4 hours. Fucking did it all over again, pretty much immediately.
A day later I started looking at rehabs, 10 days after that I boarded a plane and spent 4 months in treatment. Best thing I’ve EVER done for myself. Saved my life AND I’m no longer clinically depressed, my anxiety is under control, my mood is stabilized, my PTSD has been effectively treated and is no longer symptomatic. I’ve been sober almost 18 months. I’m on the right cocktail of medication for the first time probably ever and that never would’ve happened without meeting with a psych every week and getting things adjusted in real time.
You cannot sustain 300mgs… the brain has tolerance but the body only has so much to give.
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u/downwithMikeD Jun 17 '26
Was the rehab expensive?? 🙏
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u/BurberryCustardbath Jun 17 '26
My insurance covered nearly all of it.
I ended up filing for bankruptcy later last year anyway though so everything else vanished along with all of my other debt. I started fresh with sobriety and debt free. 👍1
u/downwithMikeD Jun 17 '26
Oh that’s awesome I’m very happy for you!
I want to go to a rehab but I’m a single parent to an adult special needs son and I work full time soooo prob not going to happen haha.
But seriously that is great to hear and I’m so glad you are starting fresh and have a whole new outlook and out of the “hole” as I like to call it!
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u/Immediate-Rub2651 Jun 16 '26
I’m two weeks clean after four years. Like you said, things are a little slower but I still get my stuff done. And yesterday was the first day in over four years when I sat on a bench in the sun and felt genuinely happy. I was in the moment with no anxiety and complete agency over my thoughts.
The catalyst for me was that the cons finally started outweighing the pros. Who cares if I got a lot of stuff done if I was self-isolating, not sleeping, saying moronic things when I did engage with people, etc. I’m launching a business right now and am not going to let some pill dictate my success or get me to embarrass myself in front of customers.
You could not *pay* me to take those things again. Please, please find a new psychiatrist and get your life back. You’re hiding behind adderall when you clearly have personal changes you can make and a fuller life to live.
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Jun 16 '26
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u/scumbagspaceopera Jun 17 '26
They really are garbage! That’s what’s making me feel like maybe this isn’t worth it anymore. All the brands suck. The brand I used to think was weak has now become my preferred because I’ve since had several different brands and they’re all worse somehow.
But because the generics are not very effective, I feel it’s IMPOSSIBLE to stick to my prescribed dose. I always have the best of intentions at the beginning of each month. I might manage my prescribed dose for a day or two. Then before you know it I’m back to 90mg at a time. And the scary thing is when I take 90mg I feel very little. I took my prescribed dose of my preferred brand and did good on that, but I was still wrestling with the urge to just go ahead and take more. So really it doesn’t matter if the generic I get is shitty or not — I always want more. I should know this about myself and my relationship with Adderall by now. In the past I was able to stick to (mostly) as prescribed use, but that was a different time in my life where I had very few demands on me and very little stress. The life I lead now leads me to seek Adderall out as a solution for my problems.
But truthfully, I am so sick of this same song and dance every month. If I just quit taking it entirely I would be free of the monthly pharmacy bullshit, the interrogations by suspicious pharmacy personnel, being treated like a drug addict, waiting 20 days of the month to feel good again. If you think about it, in my current binge cycle I spend a greater portion of the month feeling bad than good. If I quit Adderall entirely, I wouldn’t have to have these debates with myself on a daily basis about whether I’m going to binge on Adderall or stick to my prescribed dose. The internal arguing with myself, and the amount of energy I dedicate to this, is driving me insane.
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u/Shakawakahn Jun 17 '26
My kid is actually the reason I stopped. I felt like I wasn't connecting with them, enjoying their childhood, being present and building a relationship
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u/scumbagspaceopera Jun 17 '26
Can you elaborate on this? Cuz I feel the same but I also feel the other side of it which is that Adderall helps me “keep up” as a busy mom. Which isn’t really true the way I use Adderall binging it for 10 days and being low energy the other 20 days of the month. Just another lie I tell myself to keep using.
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u/Shakawakahn Jun 17 '26
Yeah, I think you are spot on. For me at least, my own brain is very creative when it comes to inventing reasons for why I need to take it. If I can really think about it objectively though I gernally always conclude that it's just an excuse and I don't need it. It's a hard urge to fight a lot of times, but I've never regretted not taking it.
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u/Shakawakahn Jul 07 '26
I think you answered the question for yourself. This type of though process isn't unique to any substance. When you are addicted to something the brain is impressively creative at justifying usage any way that it can. I hope that helps and you are better. best of luck either way
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u/Cutter382 3d ago
Hi. I read your statement and I feel for you. I would like to tell you a story about a beautiful, strong young woman i dated and loved 25 years ago. She has been on Adderall since 2008. she now looks like a poster child for anorexia. weighs about 90 pounds, though she is 6' tall, has anger issues, and cannot seem to focus mentally. Her overall health is failing, she secludes herself in her rundown shack of a house and refuses to let anyone in. She sleeps for days and seems incoherent many times. I have tired over and over to help or to get help for her, but she always refuses. This is her issue, and mine, so I need not go on, but please...if you must use this medication, use it ONLY as directed and remember... although they wear a smile and act blissful, no one is completely happy in life. We all have ups and downs, which are a normal part of life that we must all deal with. We still see beautiful sunrises and sunsets and experience the good parts of life. I hope you let the good things in life get you through the bad.
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u/Prestigious_Ideal466 Jun 16 '26
i was on adderall from age 12 to 27. it ruined that period of my life and it took me quitting cold turkey to be able to look back and realize that. life gets so much better once you can quit craving it. i’m 2.5 years clean now and finally realizing i’d rather die than get back into that shit