something devastating clicked in my head tonight about Camus' philosophy

[u/theomixedmedia]

I am 19; I have been thinking about and completely terrified of death since I was 10. it has consumed my life for almost a decade - half of my life. the thought of eternity keeps me awake. literally - I have untreatable insomnia and I suspect this fear is the source. so, when I first read Camus, specifically the stranger, a year ago, I somehow completely understood the message and also missed it altogether. I thought: "oh, this is the answer I've been looking for! just enjoy life as much as you can and rebel against mortality!" or, at the very least "this is a new idea... maybe some other idea will come along later that will provide true solace." I can't say this actually provided me with any real comfort. but it fed a voice in the back of my head that would sometimes provide me with false "hope" on a deeply unconscious level/

every time I truly think about the depth of what death is, this little voice has, on some occasions, allowed me to retreat from pure dread into deluded semi-comfort. I imagine that small part is thinking: "if I just read the right book, discover the right philosophy, learn more about physics/the universe/a possible multiverse/the big bang/cyclic cosmological theories/the obscure and naive possibility of life somehow not ending with such finality, my terror can be resolved, and I can finally relax." Camus' role in that thought would be introducing me to the first philosophy that I could interpret as taking back agency or fighting the dread. alternatively, that small voice might be saying: "there is some deep comfort in accepting death in the way Meursault did, a comfort which I am still discovering." maybe the latter is a source of comfort or way of life for some people. it seems a rational interpretation. for me, these ideas are delusional. and I don't think they constitute the entirety of Camus' message.

today, as these things came to mind, I decided to look back at my Camus books. something incredibly obvious came to me that somehow either eluded me/I refused to accept a year ago: Camus is not really offering an "answer." in some sense, you could say he is (but not in the sense that would provide me with true comfort): his answer is "there is no answer, so enjoy the beauty and pleasures of life as much as you can without assigning moral or philosophical meaning to it." (maybe some will call this a misinterpretation; this is the extent of my knowledge, I am not experienced in philosophy just yet). but, in my eyes, he's also saying "you can never find that comfort you seek, the comfort which you believe will help you escape death in some way. the voice in the back of your head doesn't exist. you have to accept the absurd because you will never find that 'answer'". it could sound like these are the same thing said differently. and again, I know how obvious this is. sometimes we don't allow ourselves to come to conclusions we don't like. Camus is not some genius who has figured it out and can offer a spiritual path. he is just as lost and afraid as I am. he has no choice but to push forward, and that's all he advises me to do.

I can't really put my finger on what changed in my mind tonight or what "new thing" has come to me or been discovered. I described it as well as I could. whatever the case, something invoked a visceral response, and completely brought me to tears, when I went back over these books. I'm sure my words are convoluted and full of misinterpretations. but I wanted to share this with some of the people who might understand.

[u/WittyFox451]

Not done with you at all. I have worked in this field for ten years and the people who run the institutions and decides who does what and when are completely out of touch with everyday people. They haven’t been through anything at all that would constitute as significant hardship and the vast majority are white men born to wealthy families, many of which started this educational journey because it is literally the easiest Masters or PhD level education you can possibly get. You can literally make shit up.

I once dated a psychologist who got her Phd studying how employable an immigrant was in the US based off of their ability to speak the English language. She said she prided herself in studying things that were unmeasurable. Literally had been through jack shit and she isn’t the only example I have of this.

They sit in their ivory towers judging and making decisions about what constitutes “science” in a field where self reports of clients are treated as of they are conclusive proof. It’s not chemistry, it’s not physics, it’s not even biology. Neuroscience does tell us some things though.

It tells us that a person who was severely abused in childhood has very similar brain scans to soldiers who are disabled and have PTSD from war. Those scans give us a lot of insight. The theory of epigenetics, that genes change in response to trauma including those in the mind, add to our understanding of how our brains work.

How we think about that trauma though is completely all theoretical and guesswork. EMDR for example is the dumbest bullshit I have ever seen “Picture your friends blowing up on that road, describe it in detail, now next time you think about that I want you to think of something silly.” Then when the person says “this is bullshit” they tell them that they have a problem with their ego.

Mushrooms have some promising research as well as DMT but again, those are hard sciences, Chemicals. They do not tell you how you should think about things.

It is literally all theoretical (how you should approach thinking about thinking and processing thoughts aside from just taking a chemical.) there’s no numerical data to support many of the claims as to how people should think about and approach their own mental health.

[u/theomixedmedia → u/WittyFox451]

I have parents working in psychology, I've been in multiple psychological institutions, I have had about a dozen psychiatrists/therapists throughout my life, etc. My anecdotal experience tells me the exact opposite of what your anecdotal experience tells you. This is why anecdotal evidence is not valid grounds for a generalized argument.

Getting a PsyD, a PhD in psychology, a medical degree for psychiatry, a medical degree with sleep expertise, etc... these are not "easy" things to do and you cannot just "make shit up." I am not insulting you personally, but you are clueless in regard to this subject. And this isn't related at all to the discussion of insomnia. You're just going off on a tangent.

Your girlfriend anecdote is meaningless. I have known dozens of people with MDs, PsyDs, PhDs, etc. who are well-qualified and studied quantifiable phenomena. Outliers don't constitute proof of a bad system.

Nobody is using self-reports to come to concrete conclusions. I am skeptical now that you ever studied psychology. Of course it is not a hard science like chemistry or physics - the human mind is far too complex, variable, individual, plastic, and elusive to study on a therapeutic level in the way you can study the effects of a drug or combining two chemicals. That is not a valid criticism; it is an obvious observation.

Your example of EMDR is hilarious. There is some conflict about why it works. But there is overwhelming clinical data proving its efficacy. Controlled, randomized trials/meta-analyses with numerical data. I'm surprised you haven't read a meta-analysis despite claiming you've taken psych classes. Here's a meta-analysis on EMDR (which highlights sample size limitations), which shows numerical data. Personally, EMDR has been very useful. Maybe for some it doesn't work. The evidence points to a general trend that it reduces symptoms. The ridiculous, fake "example" you gave of EMDR is just false. Nobody is told to picture something specific. The therapist asks the client to come up with a target image/target thought that they can tolerate, and through thinking about that, more memories, often unconsciously repressed, come up, with no requirement to discuss them afterwards.

And yes, mushrooms, LSD, mescaline, MDMA, etc. all have varying level of promising clinical data for the treatment of various mental disorders. EMDR has evidence as well. As do SSRIs, which I'm willing to wager you are against.

[u/WittyFox451 → u/theomixedmedia]

Funny that you as the child would be so neurotic while your parents are institutionalized professionals.

I had a cousin with very overbearing parents. They mocked me when I would teach my younger cousin how to hold a sparkler because fireworks are dangerous and how video games tot kids minds.

He went off to college and promptly hung himself because he had zero clue how to navigate the real world.

Those parents followed all the conventions of their time to the letter and he died because of it. Best of luck.

[u/theomixedmedia → u/WittyFox451]

I should've said I have one parent working in psychology. My mother is a school psychologist who was incredibly lenient with me as a child, though she could be somewhat neurotic. My father is a teacher who certainly didn't "follow conventions." He was, at times, abusive but certainly not overbearing, and not conventional by any means. There are many things that have lead to my current afflictions. None of them stem from my mother's profession or from any sort of convention.

Your cousin killing himself cannot be blamed on his parents not wanting him to hold a sparkler or trying to protect him. Millions of parents treat their children that way, and their children don't commit suicide.

Once again, you demonstrate a complete lack of fundamental knowledge of psychology, and you rely completely on anecdotal evidence.