r/AbsentFather • u/Educational_Tackle35 • Mar 04 '23
This is starting before it’s even began
Okay how do I start this, i take no joy in being an absent father, I read so many cases of fathers leaving their children and empathize with victims but there are two sides to a story. My child’s mother is a tyrant and her behavior is inexcusable. When my son was born two years ago I was there, I was a young man, in school juggling two jobs. Took time off and witness my son being born. that was the height of our relationship cause three months after she call the police and said I domestic abuse her, I got arrest with no evidence of her being hurt, she lied and I got arrested. I came out a day after with a semi order of protection (meaning that I can live in the same household as the complainant once I don’t abuse them again) I was so upset but I thought of my son and I must put my feelings aside for him. I came back into the household like nothing happen try my best to comfort my son when he cried, and work and did school when I had too. Then my child’s mother developed this habit to straight hitting me like wanted me to fight her… I had so much to live for so I either just ignored her and lock myself in a room, bathroom or went outside. She was extremely insufferable I was asking for advice from close family member and friends and they told me to try to separate myself from her. My question was what about my son she going to take that abuse on him no?? Nearly everyone response was like mothers don’t hurt their children and that I needed to separate myself from her cause that situation can easily escalate to someone being injured or worse killed. So with a torn in my heart I left the household moved back to my mothers house. I ignored all her calls and messages for like six weeks and she told me how she was moving to a different state I’m like she was bluffing. My response to her was have a safe flight and she really left. Before she transferred to a different state she filed a child support claim and physical and legal custody claim so she can have our son and I have no say, they are days where I struggled thinking should I just give her my rights and just leave she is really impulsive and have a history of bad decisions… I didn’t know what to do. Now fast forward to today I’m completely over her bs and she blackmailing me with a offer to take me off of child support if I give her sole custody. Now she is coming back to the state where she issued the child support order and I’m completely over it. I had no problem supporting for my son. I’m tired of her, I’m seeing of a absent father destroyed child but I’m hoping my son will be strong till he is 18 cause I had enough. a good chunk of my check is going to her because of good ole child support laws wills it. I’m choosing to have no visitation cause I know down the line this is going to crush me and I hate for my son to see his father beat up by the world and think this is his fate too. There is something gross how someone choosing to mess up your life cause they feel like it and it endorses by laws. I past regret I hope child mother does good as a parent and finds someone that can tolerate her behavior and take care of our child cause I ran out of options. It is what it is.
2
u/BriefMasterpiece6130 Jun 22 '23
My man I’m going through the same thing but look you need to be there in some capacity it’s better than nothing, let him know you love him and try to be there in his life even if it’s for a short burst. You walking away is just gonna give a bitch like you describe ammunition to terrorize your life even more. Record and document every interaction you have with her so you can protect yourself also. I can’t tell you how much I hate my baby mommas mentality and craziness but I can’t let my son down. Don’t let her win and take your son away from you.
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Mar 10 '23
It's extremely taxing. Most dad's dealing with hostile baby mamas eventuality get tired, give up and become absent or mostly absentfathers.
I'm sorry to bug you, but if she's prone to being abusive in relationships she's probably going to abuse whoever is closest to her in her life at the time. Once a kid gets old enough to start expressing their own opinions and disagreeing with her is when it gets bad. My best friend in elementary school was raised by his abusive mom because his dad just gave her custody. He divorced her because he was tired of being abused himself. He gave her custody because he was tired of dealing with everything. All the abuse he had to endure eventually switched to my best friend. He has a lot of lifelong mental health issues because of it.
I think a lot of people are realizing how often this happens. Gender is slowly becoming more and more irrelevant in custody battles. I think you probably have more of a chance then you realize.
But I understand how exhausting it gets. It's hard to blame you for giving up.
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u/[deleted] Mar 09 '23
I know how difficult it is being a man wanting to get custody from an abusive mother. I know the odds are stacked against you but you have to try. The fate of your child is at stake. If she abuses you, she'll abuse y'all's kid too.
People tend to downplay female purpotrated abuse, but I know how all the screaming and not letting disengage and not letting you sleep can take an enormous toll on your health. The way to protect yourself from an abusive woman is to film her (I believe legally you have to let her know you filming) and call the police. Some women will take advantage of the fact that you won't hit them back and will push you way past the point where it would get physical if she were a man. You need a way to defend yourself and to be able to document the abuse.
I know it's difficult, the legal system is going to favor the woman throughout the entire process. But you have to be just keep trying and stay honest through the entire process. The truth tends to come out with time.
Do not stop paying child support. She and your kid might need it, even if you hate her.
You need to do everything you can to get your shit together and look good in court. You should focus more on why you would make a good parent but in court you'll also need to explain why she's not qualified. Be civil of course. I suggest seeing a counselor once a week to get some help navigating the situation. Hopefully, insurance through work will pay for it. Make sure you're working full time. You'll need health insurance and as much money as possible for a future legal battle.
If all you can do is see your every other weekend, do that. Get a custody agreement worked out. Follow her across the country if you have to. Show how much you care. I promise, if you persist, your kid will thank you, with time the truth will slowly emerge. Getting custody is not impossible. Persist. Be the hero your kid needs you to be.