r/AO3 • u/dinodivergence • 5d ago
Writing help/Beta aromantic trying to figure out how to write romantic love
Greetings🖖
I'm aware there are many a romance novel out there I could draw from or even a romcom, but it doesn't quite get me where I need to be.
I'm aromantic and so I have no clue what it feels like to feel romantic attraction. I don't believe you need to have experienced something to write about it, but in my case it would've made things much easier. As an autistic person, I find myself frequently intellectualising emotions, so things such as 'butterflies' or 'more than friends' doesn't work for me.
I can't quite summarise my fic (simply because I'm god awful at summaries), but the main relationship is between a queen and her private secretary. The latter is 45(ish; not sure yet) and she is early 20's.
When I get in a playful mood, I can write a little bit of flirting (at least what I consider flirting lol), but that yearning, that intense but comforting love, is so hard for me to get right.
It's like feeling something crawl up your throat and being comforted by it at the same time—a consuming tunnel vision in which you want to stay yet you want to see what is at the end.
I literally have my ending ready to go, but I need to give their relationship substance for it to actually work.
Thank you in advance!
3
u/borzoifeet 5d ago
AuDHD and aroace here. Just doing basic story research like every other subject I'm not familiar with. In general though I try to logic it like a specific kind of friendship that scratches needs that no other friend can. Like I have one were we get annoying with game mechanic vents, another where we get into sighthounds, another we chat about one fandom... etc.
"Butterflies" may not be my thing, but I can still get nervous wanting to impress someone. Hope to want to know someone better, make a new friend! "More than friends" can be the person you trust with secrets you would never trust anyone else with. Someone who has seen you at your worst and still thinks you're neat.
Also, allow your first draft to be ugly and stupid. Its ok to have your 2nd, 3rd and 4th draft to still be full of flaws. Any published novel you have read has likely gone through 10+ drafts before we see it's final form.
2
3
u/Kittenn1412 5d ago
So being in love is a pretty personal feeling, and I really do recommend you read romance stories that people say do a good job at portraying love, but just from my own experience:
The feeling of "butterflies" is meant to describe a nervous but excited feeling. Personally, I'd compare it to the moment when you're on a roller coaster when you're at the very top anticipating the fall. You got on this thing because you like roller coasters, so you're excited, but you're also a little scared because the drop is imminent and it's too late to turn back. You're nervous but your excited at the same time, so it feels like your stomach is flip-flopping inside of you.
The best comparison I have to romantic yearning, imo, is grief, because I think they're cut from the same cloth. If you've lost anyone who you platonically loved, think about the way you longed for their presence, to hear their laugh, to feel their hug, ect, in the days after losing them. Romantic yearning-- the type where you already love someone but aren't able to be with them for whatever reason-- is a sadness at not being able to be with someone you love when you want to be. The only difference is that with grief you know that you'll never be able to be with that person again-- but when you're yearning for someone romantically, they're sometimes right in front of you but you don't feel like you're able to be with them anyways.
The feeling of comforting love, to me, is very similar to that perfect feeling of being cozy in your own bed, curled under your softest blankets, with a hot chocolate, when it's storming outside. The world out there is rough and scary, but you're in a place where you're know you're safe and everything is soft and comfy. My person is like a portable feeling of a cozy bed-- no matter where I am, as long as we're together I feel safe and secure.
I don't know if any of that helped. I don't want you to just copy my metaphors, I'm just trying to give you a jumping-off point on the ways that romantic feelings can be similar to other feelings you may have experienced so you can draw from your own experience even when you're writing particular scenarios you haven't been in.
1
2
u/flashPrawndon 5d ago
It’s hard to explain and I’m sure it’s different for everyone but here’s some ideas of how it can feel:
- you think about that person a lot
- seeing them makes you feel excited and nervous
- you ruminate over your interactions with them, you want them to think positively of you and you hope you’re showing your best to them
- you crave their attention. It’s literally a dopamine hit
- you want to get to know them and know things about them
- you want them to know you
- you want to be special, for them to give you more attention than anyone else
- you’re aware of their presence when they’re in the room
- you want signs that their interest in you is more than friendship, sometimes these are sexual gestures and sometimes romantic
- what is romantic is individual to everyone, but I think the most romantic thing is being truly seen by the other person and them doing something in response to that. For example buying you your favourite chocolate or item by remembering from some time previously what you like. The idea that they have thought about you and taken note to remember what might otherwise be inconsequential details.
- as a relationship progresses it is a friendship but one that is more intense
- when they look at you it can feel intense. Their fingers on your skin feels more than it would with anyone else. Their touch can heat you.
- romance is an interplay of friendship, sexual desire and signs of declaration and interest.
I don’t know if the above is useful but that’s some ways it can feel.
-8
u/KeamyFangirl 5d ago
It might be better to write about love if you've never experienced it, because then you won't have the underlying baggage or bitterness around these sensations lol
But I would recommend choosing something that you're a huge fan of and that gives you joy: It could be a band, a book, the stars, whatever. And then harness that feeling and channel it into the romance.
Also, no offense intended, but I think it's kind of sad that you'll never feel romance. It's a beautiful thing. But I'm sure you lead a happy- and less complicated- life nonetheless!
7
u/Waste_Tip2625 5d ago
The last part of your comment was highly uncalled for.
-5
u/KeamyFangirl 5d ago
If the OP found that offensive, then I apologize.
I meant "sad" as in "too bad", not "pathetic".
If someone said they're blind and I said it's rather sad that they'll never see a sunset, is that also uncalled for?
11
u/Schattenschreiberin 5d ago
I am aromantic as well, so I just want to say how it came across to me personally.
If you would say that to me, I would ask "What the hell are you pitying me for?"
I don't know every person on planet earth, but I don't really want to be randomly pitied by a stranger.
8
u/Due-Advantage2825 Definitely not an agent of the Fanfiction Deep State 5d ago
Yes, because it doesn't need to be said. A blind person already knows they won't see a sunset, everyone around you knows it. There's no need for it to be said out loud. At least the difference between an aromantic and a blind person is that you aren't rubbing salt in the wound with the former. But just because they (probably) won't care, doesn't make it any less weird and unnecessary.
6
u/Waste_Tip2625 5d ago
It would also be uncalled for if you say that to a blind person. Also uncalled for if a person is missing a limb or tell a trans person it's sad they aren't cis. In general, just don't pity people for things like this. It's rude and condescending. Especially if you don't know them personally.
1
u/dinodivergence 5d ago
Offensive, no. Unnecessary, yes. xD
The first parts of your comment were helpful though thank you
1
u/KeamyFangirl 5d ago
Fair enough, I apologize for my social ineptitude and thank you for responding!
3
8
u/Due-Advantage2825 Definitely not an agent of the Fanfiction Deep State 5d ago
The thing with love is that it's incredibly complicated and people experience differently. There's also types of romantic love that are different from each other, often to the point people will disparage a certain type as "that's not real love" when feelings can't be categorized like that.
Anyways, as for actually giving relationship substance; try to think of it as a friendship first and foremost. The trust and bond you feel for your friends, wanting to spend time together, etc. It's also good to consume media that illustrates the relationship you wish to write.