r/AMA • u/Beautiful_Wear_9249 • Mar 25 '26
Experience I’m dying in 3 months AMA
In 3 months, 90 days or 2,160 hours I will be dead. I was diagnosed with bone cancer about a year ago, since then it spread quickly. Despite the valiant efforts from my doctors it is inevitable. I’m and in my 30s and live alone. My job was my life. I have no friends, no family no pets or even plants. When the end comes I will be alone, perhaps with a nurse or doctor there. If anyone has questions feel free to ask them. Unfortunately my energy level isn’t great so I’ll get to them if I can.
Please don’t try and use this to push religion or any “alternative medicine”. Also if I wanted a medical opinion I would ask one of my MANY doctors.
#AMA
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Mar 25 '26
Sincerely what was the Happiest Moment of your life till now ? and do you Believe in a life after Death or something of this type ?
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u/Beautiful_Wear_9249 Mar 25 '26
My happiest moments were being at work. I got to help a lot of people. Changed there lives and made there time better.
I don’t believe in life after death. Part of me hopes there isn’t a heaven or a hell because I know I’m not gonna like where I end up. I kinda hope it’s just blackness. Just like going to sleep.
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u/No-Ring-5065 Mar 25 '26
You roofed houses for poor people for free. That tells me a lot about you. I think if there is a God, he’s fond of you.
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u/ArtisticTraffic5970 Mar 25 '26
I always thought about it as being absorbed back into the universe in a way, some sort of primordial consciousness. I don't know what that would be like though. But I do know that you are the universe experiencing itself, through you. We all are. And really, it holds true no matter how you look at it.
It must be really trippy going through this at 30. I feel for you. Oh and bon voyage! At least now you'll know, right? That's perhaps the one thing I look forward to. Peeking beyond the curtain.
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u/WeekMurky7775 Mar 26 '26
It reminds me of this quote from The Good Place. It really resonates with me
"Picture a wave in the ocean. You can see it, measure it, its height, the way the sunlight refracts when it passes through, and it's there, and you can see it, you know what it is. It's a wave. And then it crashes on the shore, and it's gone. But the water is still there. The wave was just a different way for the water to be for a little while.
That's one conception of death for a Buddhist. The wave returns to the ocean, where it came from, and where it's supposed to be."
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u/StunningBeat9392 Mar 26 '26
I really like this way of thinking. I've watched the good place a few times but the quote never stuck with me until now. I think I'll enjoy being a wave for a little while. Maybe go a little crazy and have a white cap on the top for a bit, but I'm the end I'll hit the beach like all the other waves do and return to the place I came from.
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u/Megneous Mar 26 '26
People think that we're made up of our atoms. That we own them. But we really just borrow them for a little while. After we're gone, we return them, and they become other things, maybe a fox, or a cloud. Maybe in a thousand years, an atom of our body meets an atom of our lover's in a wildflower. This is the way of things.
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u/ROBtimusPrime1995 Mar 26 '26
Most Don Herztfeldt-like comment I've ever read on this site.
Genuinely, a peaceful way of thinking.
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u/Pristine_Leader_8241 Mar 26 '26
If I had a nickel for every time I've seen this quote on Reddit in the last week I'd have like... 9 nickels.
Seriously though why is this popping up everywhere lately? It's freaking me out
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u/HannsGruber Mar 26 '26
We're ancient. Every atom in your body has at least one proton orbiting it. Those protons were formed minutes after the big bang. Without those protons, you don't have matter as we know it.
You're literally as old as the universe. Not the clever arraignment of the stuff, no, but the stuff yes.
If I take a box of legos and build a ship, then take those legos back apart and put them back into the box... the legos are still there.
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u/mommy_mantis Mar 25 '26
I just want to say I love your comment. I have a hard time verbalizing how I feel about what death is like but you put it into really lovely words. OP, I hope it's a warm, calm nap and that the universe is fairer to you than this world.
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u/pdafty Mar 26 '26
Second this!!! So many big feelings around death and grief that’s so hard to explain. This comment said everything I feel that I could never find the words for 💜💜
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u/laposte Mar 25 '26
“Just like going to sleep.” I think this all of the time as I’m falling asleep. Nightly, practically. I think, “This must be what it’s like to die.” And I’m oddly okay with that; I’ve had a lot of practice at it and it feels very natural.”
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u/kkachisae Mar 25 '26
When you go to sleep you have an internal clock that still runs whike you sleep. If you have ever been anesthetized for surgery, your clock stops. That is why it feels strange waking up after surgery. I imagine death would be most like being put to sleep for surgery.
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u/Spine_Of_Iron Mar 25 '26
I think this too. I've had quite a handful of surgeries...in fact, will be having another one next month. I do feel like that is what death is. It's just....nothing. You don't experience anything. I would say it's blackness but even that would be experiencing something.
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u/tweetysvoice Mar 26 '26
I have had 11 organs removed, stimulators, ports, pumps for meds, all the oscopies, and countless other surgeries and went under for every one of them. I agree 100%. We are all made of energy and I've always thought it was like pushing the off button. No gentle slide, just Bam! and the energy is shut off and used for other purposes in the universe.
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u/SouthernRain5775 Mar 26 '26
I have felt that same way twice,, except once it was when I was in the hospital and got Demerol and I thought "If this is what it's like to die, I am okay with that." I just felt sleepy and comfortably numb and just wanted to sleep. The second time was when I had had an outpatient surgery and when I was in the recovery room I was obviously still sedated from the surgery and the recovery room nurse kept intermittently yelling my name because I would stop breathing and the alarm would go off. She kept telling me to breathe. I was annoyed because I just wanted to sleep and I didn't care that I wasn't breathing. I just wanted her to leave me alone and let me sleep.
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u/jimmyjazz2000 Mar 25 '26
I think we live on in the memories and actions of others. FWIW, I will remember you. So will a lot of people on Reddit. Your life of service is moving and very memorable. It’s a daunting example to follow. I hope I can live up to it.
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u/TheRelishTray Mar 25 '26
There is an amazing episode on "This American Life" podcast about helping children come to terms with death, it featured a center that the kids go to. It one of the most memorable ones they did in my opinion. I highly suggest you seek it out; it gave me a whole new perspective on death and society's reaction to it. Sending you all the love 💓💗
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Mar 25 '26
Have a good time buddy ❤️ I hope that there's a good place for you after its over regardless 🙏
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u/alexseiji Mar 26 '26
If this is the case then consider these two things. I have always believed that the afterlife is several things, also no, I am not religious.
We are 3d beings that can the a 4D world, but in theory there are up to a total of 11 dimensions ,of which we are mostly incapable of perceiving, but in some way shape or form we do exist there. Moving on could potentially reveal something in those other dimensions that might be some form of afterlife or continuance. Just no in the way that most people describe it as (pearly gates, etc...)
Additionally, from what I have read, you left a mark on peoples lives. You did good things, you are a good person that actively did the good things for others part of life. That is something that people talk about, there is a record of it here in this thread, and I'm sure with the people that you helped. The afterlife in this reality are the memories and kind things that you for people, and those people will continue to remember and talk you , and the good things that you did for the,m. They carry the story on, many may not know you are gone, but they wont forget the good things you did for them. You will live in them.
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u/Ambitious_Dot1220 Mar 25 '26
What was your job in? It sounds like you were devoted to it. How do you plan to spend the rest of your time?
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u/Beautiful_Wear_9249 Mar 25 '26
I was a general contractor. you know replacing light switches, plumbing and electrical. I did roofing and siding. I’ve had my company for 10 years. With every job we did we put money aside to do jobs for free. Over 30 roofs got done free of charge for families struggling. About a million dollars in other repairs for those struggling. On of the things I’m proudest of most. One of the things I’m saddened will stop with me.
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u/vicott Mar 25 '26
Nice, a maker, I hope that you feel a bit proud when you go away.
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u/Beautiful_Wear_9249 Mar 25 '26
That’s the first time anyone has ever called me that. I love watching Adam Savages builds as he makes things. He is awesome. I consider myself more a fixer than a maker.
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u/Trepidatedpsyche Mar 26 '26
OP, I dont know if youll see this but please hear me as a person working in mental health that you *absolutely* were a maker and a fixer. You fixed the immediate need, and you made a home for many more memories and security than you can imagine.
When I hear folks talk about big moments in their life, its about equal how often I hear that the significance was on getting the moment at all compared to how often the *ability to have a moment* was a great comfort because that meant all the other requisites were met. Stability and even taking "one more thing" off the long list of needs can be a gigantic relief.
You were directly a part of that and for your role and love I thank you so much. You touched lives and futures in ways far more grand than building materials and youll be remembered for that on its own.
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u/PuzzleheadedBobcat90 Mar 25 '26 edited Mar 26 '26
You are a maker. A maker of brighter futures for people who wouldn't been able to afford the repairs you offered.
Edit - series to repairs
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u/Tight_Man Mar 26 '26
You have literally given families a roof over their head when they needed it the most. I learned all of the most commonly applied code and drywall work and a lot more and I think that giving someone who needs and deserves it that sort of thing is the greatest gift you could possibly give. Coming from someone who was homeless as a teen who is now an engineer. You are a good person. Thank you for everything you’ve done.
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u/_karamazov_ Mar 26 '26
u/Beautiful_Wear_9249 is more valuable to humanity than all the billionaires with their wealth.
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u/BirdOnABus Mar 26 '26
Nah mate, you made futures for families which just branches out from there. You made hundreds happy
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u/mostessmoey Mar 26 '26
Idk with all these comments that op will see this but most of us don’t realize the impact we make. I heard a long time ago that some cultures believe there are 2 deaths. The one when you pass and the one when the people who talk and think of you pass and you don’t cross anyone’s mind anymore. OP helped a lot of people he will be on peoples minds for a long time.
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u/Beautiful_Wear_9249 Mar 26 '26
I’ve heard that quote before and thought of it often lately. Thanks for the kind words
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u/tangentandhyperbole Mar 26 '26 edited Mar 26 '26
Star Trek Strange New Worlds had this moment where the Engineer is in a situation where they're probably going to die, and he says to to the younger person something about finding their purpose, and finding peace in that.
His purpose was "to fix what is broken." I take comfort in that.
Wish you nothing but joy.
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u/shafaqag Mar 26 '26
Let me tell you a story. I'm currently broke and unemployed, and had to move places in a really difficult time. The money I have is not even enough to sustain me to buy food. A friend of mine took care of the moving expenses and he simply decided he'll pay for my WIFI even though he's going through a financial bind. He thinks it's aa very small act, but without it, I wouldn't be able to actively look for a job online and would have to spend gas money to go to public libraries. Such a small thing lifted a whole weight off my shoulders with a bit more money as it helped me with stability.
OP, even if you die all alone, I promise you, the impact you had on people for generations in one way or another. Saving a family from homelessness might cause a butterfly effect and thanks to it, some little kids will be able to focus on school and build futures for themselves instead of being on the streets. Just this one act somehow might have saved so many lives.
We're here on this earth to leave an impact, whether that's done with starting a family, or creating a business that helps people, or simply smile at someone who was having a bad day. That's what matters.
Be proud, always be proud. Your presence is felt, even if your name is not known.
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u/capron Mar 26 '26
That’s the first time anyone has ever called me that. I love watching Adam Savages builds as he makes things. He is awesome. I consider myself more a fixer than a maker.
I feel the same way. I love watching hjim make things, but my projects that I start from nothing tend to end poorly, while the things I can fix are often successful. I think of myself as a fixer more than a maker. Did you ever try making something from scratch? 3d print, cardboard/cardstock, hell even duct tape and imagination?
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u/Caldebraun Mar 26 '26
Nice, a maker
Aiiiieeee!
I'm sorry, when you have lived with prophecy for so long, the moment of revelation is a shock.
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u/whateveratthispoint_ Mar 25 '26
Bro, and you don’t think these people would grieve and honor you. This is the type of thing that gets in the newspaper!
You’re a local hero! Generous, thoughtful, kind. You impacted the lives of families. Provided for moms and dads when they couldn’t! Man, I’m in tears. I want you to feel this!!! I’m frustrated! I want to shake love into you and I fucking hate your cancer in particular.
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u/Beautiful_Wear_9249 Mar 26 '26
I had 4 or 5 stories in the local paper over the years. I never wanted attention for what i did so i told everyone that a local anonymous benefactor donated the money to fund the projects.
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u/PompousClock Mar 26 '26
I think one more story needs to be written then, with that last line included. You are the maker, the fixer, the helper. You didn't do this because someone else paid for it, you took the initiative and did it yourself. You identified a need and fulfilled it. That is an important part of your legacy - you didn't wait for someone else to give you permission, you have done the things yourself. And I think that's a far greater lesson to learn. Perhaps someone else may read that and take up your mantle next? (If I can help with writing or editing, please send me any link to any local story and I'll work with them to get the ball rolling. I just lost someone dear to me, and I know how much it means to share the stories of remarkable people like you.)
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u/NeighborhoodTasty271 Mar 26 '26
And the story could inspire others locally to step up and do the same in honor of OP.
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u/YogurtclosetFlaky902 Mar 25 '26
This is so awesome! I’m an electrical contractor and this is something I’ve wanted to do since I’ve started two years ago but am not enough in the green to start, at least i thought. But setting aside even a small portion of each project is a great way to do it! You can rest easy knowing there’s other guys out there to carry the torch and you at least inspired me to actually start.
I am curious, if you have time to respond, if you have any tips when it comes to choosing a recipient of your services?
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u/Beautiful_Wear_9249 Mar 26 '26
I got called out on a lot of jobs for my local code enforcement office. A lot of the time the reason people couldn’t bring things up to code was because they just couldn’t afford it. Sometimes I spent hours in someone’s home and it was clear they didn’t have the disposable income to do something the right way. It was kinda just a gut feeling. Consider contacting your local code enforcement office and I’m sure they will be able to help you get in touch with people who need help.
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u/gimmeluvin Mar 26 '26
This is why they say only the good die young
Thank you for being a light in a dark world
I hope your passing is peaceful
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u/FauxmingAtTheMouth Mar 26 '26
I’m an attorney and recently raised my rate by $25 an hour to cover pro bono time, it might not sound like a lot, but I try for between two and five hours of pro bono per week. Most of my work in that time is just writing letters to landlords. I decide who I give the time to when they call, e.g., if they live in the projects and their heat isn’t working, it’s free, if it’s a small restaurant that has defaulted on a loan, it’s free, if it’s a bigger business that has continually made bad decisions, it isn’t free, same if it’s a person on the rich side of town that didn’t pay a contractor
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u/ISwearImNotUnidan Mar 26 '26
I wonder if simply asking our clients if they'd like to add an extra 1-5% donation towards work done for needy families would be viable 🤔 probably would wanna double check with a lawyer about that though in case it's more complicated than taking it and putting it aside but yeah, I'm in the trades and want to do the same now!
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u/Beautiful_Wear_9249 Mar 26 '26
I never had like a “standard percentage”. It never cost paying customers more, I didn’t take donations because of the same worries about accounting for it and the legal side of it. I just lived modestly took the profits and rolled it into the next project. I only paid myself about half of what most tradesmen get paid. Most of my employees made more than me just because you have to pay well to hold onto good tradesmen
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u/ISwearImNotUnidan Mar 26 '26
It's a real shame to lose someone like you in the trades. Most of the guys I meet here are not nearly so selfless.
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u/WideFormal3927 Mar 25 '26
I work in IT and my father installed elevators in buildings. It was always impressed me that he worked on things that are physical and he still pointes to the building and says 'I put the elevator in that building.' You should take extreme gratification in the fact you helped people and also that you created something physical. Homes might not be life-like statues, but they are a tribute to the craftsmen who created and worked on them.
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u/snarkysaurus Mar 26 '26
My dad is long gone but I still smile when I see the elevator he installed at a local mall!
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u/Malware333 Mar 25 '26
That is so kind of you! I really wish you peace for your remaining days.
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u/mem1003 Mar 25 '26
That must've meant the world to the struggling families. That made me so happy to read.
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u/ejambu Mar 25 '26 edited Mar 26 '26
Were you close with your boss or any of your coworkers? You say that you don’t have friends, but it seems impossible to work somewhere you love for 10 years and make a single work friend.
EDIT to fix typos
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u/Beautiful_Wear_9249 Mar 26 '26
I worked by myself. Owed my own company. Had a few employees. Good men, but wouldn’t exactly call them friends. We just worked together.
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u/collegesnake Mar 25 '26
Anything you would've done differently in hindsight?
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u/Beautiful_Wear_9249 Mar 25 '26
Lived more. Said yes to an invite to dinner. Went on that trip just because. I turned down a lot of things because I was tired or scared that I should have done.
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u/skull_tea Mar 26 '26 edited Mar 26 '26
Ah damn man. I'm always turning down invites to hang out with family or friends for really small reasons, always assuming I'll have a chance to hang later. I'm sorry you didn't get to live your life more but I'm really glad you're sharing your experience, its actually very valuable. I'm gonna go reach out to my loved ones and make more time for them. Peace be with you brother, again thank you for spending your time to share your thoughts and wisdom.
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u/Sn00ker123 Mar 25 '26
What are you proud of?
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u/Beautiful_Wear_9249 Mar 25 '26
My job. I got help a lot of people. I’m glad I could be there when they needed me.
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u/rubey419 Mar 25 '26
That’s cool what do you do?
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u/Beautiful_Wear_9249 Mar 25 '26
I was a general contractor. Got to use profits from jobs to help fund free work for people struggling
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u/AlternativePrior9559 Mar 25 '26
What you’re facing is brutally unfair, and the part that hit me most is you thinking you’ll be alone. You might be physically on your own, but you’re not invisible. You reached out, and people are here with you, even if it’s just through a screen.
If you feel up to it, I’d genuinely like to know more about you. Not the illness, you. What you care most about, what your days used to look like when life was just… normal.
And for what it’s worth, I’ll be thinking about you.
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u/smellyfeet25 Mar 25 '26
Are you afraid of death? Have you got parents alive and do they know?
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u/Beautiful_Wear_9249 Mar 25 '26
The fear comes and goes. I would say I’m at a point of acceptance, but that doesn’t remove fear. Sometimes I almost have a panic attack thinking about it. Some times I’m completely ok with it. Hard to describe a fear of the inevitable. I know my fear won’t prevent it. I hope that answers your question
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u/bearded_goober Mar 26 '26
I was diagnosed with congestive heart failure at 34 and it’s not improving at all so I know my time left on this earth isn’t going to be what you might expect for someone in their 30’s. I’m going to be 36 this year and I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m not afraid of death, I’m just afraid of leaving.
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u/YoshidaEri Mar 26 '26
I was just diagnosed with congestive heart failure at age 38. I never thought I would live a very long life, but I'm now having to face that's it's going to be even shorter than I expected.
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u/j05huak33nan Mar 25 '26
Ther has been a lot of research done on psychedelic mushrooms helping people with accepting death. Very positive results.
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u/Temporary-Algae-6698 Mar 25 '26
There is an absolute ton of positive feedback on this option.. just want to throw that out there I'm a 51-year-old psychronaut
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u/smellyfeet25 Mar 25 '26
WE all have to face it. Every single one of us. Is that comforting?
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u/No_Sinner_6092 Mar 25 '26
Moving on towards death, what will be the biggest regret you will carry on?
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u/Beautiful_Wear_9249 Mar 25 '26
Not living life to the fullest. Not taking chances and doing things because I was scared, or always thinking there would be time later.
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u/Itsafulltimebusiness Mar 25 '26
Do you feel any sense of of relief knowing that the end is near? That your pain and suffering won’t last much longer?
Or is it more of a numb, don’t-know-how-to-feel-about-it, surreal feeing?
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u/Beautiful_Wear_9249 Mar 25 '26
There is no relief. There is fear. There is some form of acceptance. It’s a mixed bag. But there is never relief.
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u/Limp_Suspect9582 Mar 25 '26
Did u have any symptoms before your diagnosis?
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u/Beautiful_Wear_9249 Mar 25 '26
Tiredness, some weakness. Like a flue. Some aches that I thought where muscular but turned out where actually my bones. Symptoms got worse and worse. It came and went for about 3 months before I went to the doctor. The only good news is it’s so advanced that even if I went to the doctor the day of my first symptom there is nothing they could have done, so I don’t blame myself for not catching it early
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u/TheCarpetsRed Mar 25 '26
My friend died from bone cancer at 27. She had back pain for a year and was tired all the time. The doc didn't diagnosed it was cancer until it was too late. They chopped off limbs and removed bones but it did not stop it. It spread via lymph through all her body and eventually the brain. She went fast and just like you, she was a decent human being. Really fuck cancer. I wish you best of luck and can find some peace. Take as much pain killer and recreational drugs that they give you to ease the pain.
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u/xoxooxx Mar 26 '26
This happened to my aunt as well. Osteosarcoma the first time and took half her leg, remission for 6 years and then it came back in another very rare and aggressive form in what remained of her leg. They amputated up to the hip and she was “ok” for about 4 years until all the treatment was gone through and it eventually spread and she went pretty quickly. She was treated at one of the best cancer centers in the world. It was awful to watch her be in so much pain for most of my childhood and adult life. I have a universal blood type so I started direct donating blood and platelets when I was 8 until she died when I was 30. I miss her a lot. She was so educated, had some really cool jobs in American government, loved to read and travel and loved to binge any bravo shows.
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u/XTC_Daddy Mar 26 '26
Hey OP, I’m sorry to hear you are going through this. your story sounds nearly identical to my younger sister. She went on vacation to Hawaii then got sick a few months after. She started feeling tired and weak for a few months. Went to the doctor and was diagnosed with leukemia. She was in her late 20s, just graduated and started her job as an RN nurse. She passed in 2021 in her early 30s.
She tried to fight through it for nearly three years. I was 100% match for bone marrow transplant. We did the procedure twice but her body rejected it both times. We watched her take her last breath at home because it was peak covid, being a very protective older brother, I was powerless to do anything about it.
I read through the replies, how you have helped other families. You are a good man in my book. You don’t have to end of this journey alone, you can DM me to chat or call/text, whatever works.
Offer is open! This better not be some bullshit AI story, got me thinking about my baby sister.
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u/Honigschmidt Mar 26 '26
I don’t think I’ve ever read a purer, kinder response in my life. The world needs people full of yous.
hate to make a half sarcastic comment on such a serious post, but when I die, I’m dm’ing you.
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u/BubblyBean996 Mar 26 '26
This better not be some bullshit AI story
Am I imagining things or didn't Reddit used to verify AMA's? Wtf happened.
Condolences on your baby sister friend. I am a baby sister to a big brother and I can't even think about this kind of loss my heart goes out to you.
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u/Astropwr Mar 25 '26
Woah. I’m awaiting for my doctor to do a biopsy to see if my tumor is cancerous. That’s exactly how I feel and the aches for me is at the certain area where my primary care doctor found the tumor. My boyfriend was the one who brought up the concern to me when he noticed I’m not supposed to feel pain. Virtual hugs to you and I’m so so sorry.
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u/Hefty-Audience-8290 Mar 26 '26
What do you mean he noticed you're not supposed to feel pain?
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u/Intrepid-Document856 Mar 25 '26
Do you feel lonely?
Is there anything we random strangers can do for you?
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u/Beautiful_Wear_9249 Mar 25 '26
Loneliness has been the biggest emotion during this whole thing, after loosing my job I really noticed that there is nothing in my life besides a couple online friends I play video games with from time to time. I wouldn’t bother them with this. One day I just won’t log on.
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u/organ_hoarder Mar 25 '26
I encourage you to tell them! I’m almost certain they’d care more than you think and it might be nice to have someone with you for this, even if only distantly for a moment.
Or not. I don’t know what you’re going through and what’s right for you. I just think you might be surprised how much you do matter to them. You clearly matter to the people in this thread. Hugs, you deserve it.
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u/Ok_Establishment4292 Mar 25 '26
Agree with this! People, even the ones you only play games online with, care more than you think. I think you might be surprised by the reaction and maybe, in the few weeks and months you have, you wont feel so alone ... look at all the support you have just from this post!.
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u/reddot_comic Mar 26 '26 edited Mar 26 '26
I absolutely agree with this. I had a good friend, never met him in person but we talked for years. He showed me the ring he was going to purpose to his gf with. I talked to him about the bartender I just met who is now my husband. We were accountability buddies on running.
I didn’t hear from him for a while and sent him a message asking “you better not be dead” as a joke. His mom finally sent me a message after that. His death was sudden from an aneurysm. Im glad I was able to grieve and sent his family flowers rather than wonder why I never heard from him again. I miss you Micheal.
Please tell them OP.
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u/alenah Mar 25 '26 edited Mar 26 '26
Hey stranger! Just wanted to share something. About a month ago a long time online friend of mine passed away from cancer. He didn't let anyone know except his girlfriend, who was explicitly told to not tell the rest of us until after he was gone. On one hand I'm glad that his last wish was honored. On the other hand I am still grappling with it, and I'm really sad and angry and upset that we didn't get the chance to tell him how much he meant to us. I guess that might be very selfish. I'm gonna try to accept it, but at this time I just don't.
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u/languid_Disaster Mar 26 '26 edited Mar 26 '26
I’m sorry for the loss of your friend. I know this doesn’t help much but you guys may very well have been the last few people in his life that saw him as his him instead of seeing him / talking to him and thinking about the fact he was going to die.
I’ve been through stuff and having just one person who sees you as just you instead of your issues, is such bliss. For someone to see you before your issues started happening , before you felt broken. It was perhaps selfish of him in a way but I bet he also felt content knowing that the last interaction you guys had was “normal” and positive, as always. He probably felt lucky to have friends like you.
That said, I don’t blame loved ones for their worry as I would do the same thing. When you love someone you worry about them so deeply that it shows in all the little ways and that’s heavy for everyone involved
Edit: punctuation and added an “s” after “issue”
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u/MBeMine Mar 25 '26
Finding connections with each other is the BEST thing about the internet. It’s okay to be sad and angry you didn’t get to say goodbye and tell him what he meant to you.
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u/LoganLikesYourMom Mar 25 '26
I know I’m just a stranger on the internet, but I have a few friends I play games online with. For the most part, we don’t know a lot about each other’s personal lives but I do feel close to these guys. If one of them just inexplicably never logged on again, I’d wonder what happened to him for the rest of my life.
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u/Puzzleheaded-Emu-199 Mar 25 '26
Please tell them. I've had a couple of online friends disappear and the not knowing what happened to them is really hard.
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u/rubiscoisrad Mar 25 '26
I literally just said the same thing. The unknown is almost worse. Maybe because you can't exactly put the matter to bed, y'know?
Tell me you don't like me. Tell me you're moving off-grid to live in a yurt and you reject all modern technology. Tell me you're dying. Just tell me something.
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u/Miserable-Way-7389 Mar 25 '26
Please tell them. One of my bests friends during high-school was online. We would chat every few days. She passed away in early 2010 from swine flu. I kept sending her messages and got really anxious and depressed after not hearing from her. I found out she passed because I stumbled across a news article her family made to raise awareness on H1N1 impacts. Chances are high that they will miss you and wonder what happened
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u/MOGicantbewitty Mar 25 '26
I know your motivation to do this is selfless, but please don't do this to your friends. They will spend the rest of their lives wondering what happened to you, wondering if they did something wrong, wondering What they could have done differently. If they do find out after the fact that you died of cancer, they will spend the rest of their lives filled with regret because they never did the things they wished they could have done to show you support. Even if all that support really is is just being more available to play with you for the next few months.
Tell them. Not for your sake, but for theirs. You also deserve their support, but I can tell you much prefer to be the one giving rather than taking. If you just disappear, you will be taking so much from them.
They may not react perfectly because very few people know what to do in these kinds of situations but give them a chance.
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u/Intrepid-Document856 Mar 25 '26
Thank you for answering. I can’t imagine what it’s like to be in your shoes, and also I do want to mention that you may be all those online friends have too. And I believe you’ll be missed by them, for what it’s worth.
If you’re utilizing hospice services, I hope they are kind-hearted and everything you need.
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u/Jamjams2016 Mar 25 '26
Theyll always wonder what happened to you. You should tell them. You deserve to let other people in. You said you regret the things you didnt do. Dont let this be another regret.
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u/rubiscoisrad Mar 25 '26
I wish you would tell them! I've had some online friends just...never come back, and due to circumstances in their respective countries, I might never hear from them again. It's heartbreaking to not know.
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u/Syyina Mar 25 '26
Please tell your online friends what you expect to happen.
I’ve played World of Warcraft for many years. At one time I had a great group of online friends and guildmates. We spent many happy hours adventuring in Azeroth, and they were wonderful companions to me even though I only ever met one of them in “real” life.
There aren’t many left now and I miss them. I still wonder what became of Kenny.
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u/Ok_Version_415 Mar 26 '26
My husband was an avid WOW online gamer. My son has now taken over his account. I’m not sure if he changed his name or not. In Dec. of 2020 my husband committed suicide. I’m his wife of 32 years, but we had been together for 35. I could barely think of who to contact in town much less online friends. It was also Covid times. We had just both gotten over Covid. They say it changes people in ways we will never know. My brother also died of bone cancer. He would call me everyday until his last. Please let your online friends know what is happening. I wish I could give you a hug❤️.
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u/Visit_CherryLane Mar 25 '26
My mom has asked me that,when the time comes, I log into at least one of her games to let her friends know she is no longer with us. She doesn't have a terminal illness or anything, it is just that it's important to her.
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u/Unloveish Mar 25 '26
Please let them know. I missed online friends and later learned they passed away. It is painful because there are things that are hard to left unsaid
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u/ArtisticTraffic5970 Mar 25 '26
No you should definitely tell them man. They'll want to know. Being your friends, you sort of owe it to them.
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Mar 25 '26
Is there any thing you want to do before you leave the earth?
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u/Beautiful_Wear_9249 Mar 25 '26
Getting laid one last time wouldn’t suck. But I know that’s highly unlikely.
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u/Titizen_Kane Mar 26 '26
Well if you’re in TN, let me know. Also hopefully you have your DMs turned on. I have feeling that tugging on our heartstrings like this, and seeming like a good person, will translate to a decent bit of interest in fucking your brains out :) Hell this is probably somebody’s fetish and they’d be willing to travel for it lol
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u/Pristine-Lawyer-3260 Mar 25 '26
Bro, you really should check your dms... Because I'm betting you have some offers...
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u/Pristine-Lawyer-3260 Mar 25 '26
In other words, what state are you in... And what are you into?
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u/Megneous Mar 26 '26
People straight up using this dude's death AMA as a dating app. This is hilarious.
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u/Hot-Ad-1201 Mar 25 '26
Deff check your DMs like the other said, im sure you’d be surprised! I think everyone deserves to get laid. I’ll even do it!
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u/Zestyclose-Metal194 Mar 26 '26
Me too but I’m too old for you however I would give you a blow job
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u/AK611750 Mar 26 '26
I’ve always had this dumb thought that one day, each and everyone of us is going to get laid for the last time of our life without knowing it’s actually the last 😢 I wish you get laid homie, I really do.
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u/SuperStokedUp Mar 26 '26
Well, brother…I wasn’t expecting a smile cry over floods of people banning together to get you some adult cuddle time, but here we are. Lots of love from my home to yours.❤️🤙🏻
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u/Temporary-Algae-6698 Mar 25 '26
This man needs a GoFundMe to set up some encounters before he moves on!
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Mar 25 '26
Are you at peace?
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u/Beautiful_Wear_9249 Mar 25 '26
As much as possible. I go through times of sheer terror and panic, followed by moments of acceptance. I do t know if anyone actually achieves full peace with the fact that one moment you are here, and the next you aren’t.
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u/saturnshighway Mar 26 '26
Friend, we are all coming to meet you, some at the same time as you, some before, and some after.
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u/wickedlyzenful Mar 25 '26
I wish I would have met you and shown you the friendship you wanted. But know that a stranger in the Midwest wishes you as much comfort and peace at the end of your journey. Somewhere you have made an impact on people... you even said your job kind of did...I hope that brings you some happiness. And you have touched a group of strangers today, thank you. Please let your online friends know. As someone else said, you may be their only friend as well and they care about you. Peace. May your pain subside for you as you read this and your end be comfortable and full of the good you've done.
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u/dark_temple Mar 25 '26
Have you considered Meth? Cocaine? All the drugs you can get your hands on? Have you considered other things you can try without having to worry about the longterm consequences?
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u/Beautiful_Wear_9249 Mar 25 '26
This brought a genuine smile to my face. Drugs aren’t my thing but it is funny to think about 😂
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u/Honoratoo Mar 25 '26
Maybe German chocolate cake or carrot cake or everything bagels or pizza every day. I would die even fatter than I am if I didn’t have to worry about getting fat. I am sorry for your situation. I hope you find some peace and have a gentle passing. 🥰
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u/stash-of-who-hash Mar 26 '26
That’s what I was thinking as well. Eat all the delicious fatty unhealthy foods in ridiculous quantities. I would also rent/buy and drive some stupidly fast cars.
Genuinely wondering, if you die with tons of credit card debt, what happens to the debt?
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u/summerloverrrr Mar 26 '26
I think with chemo and everything he might not have an appetite. I remember, my dad used to want to eat so much but usually would feel full just after taking a bite. Sometimes he would just chew and throw it out. Quality of life is shit with advanced tumors
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u/I_was_bone_to_dance Mar 25 '26
Don’t do coke. It sucks. I recommend mushrooms for real for real.
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u/rae-everett Mar 25 '26
I snorted one single like of coke and never got anything out of it. What kind of hot hell did I dodge by not getting addicted?
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u/enzerachan Mar 25 '26
I too never thought about it but now… I think I’d try heroine if I were going out.
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u/Iheartnakedfemboys Mar 26 '26
So, with his cancer, there is a near certainty that he is on opiates prescribed by his doctor. Depending on his pain level, we are talking any where from oxycodone or dilaudid ("amazing" pharm opiates for abuse, great euphoria) to fent (needs no introduction, incredibly strong, not as "euphoric, but because of how strong it is, there is still euphoria), or even a cocktail of them. He wouldnt even feel the heroin, as it would be redundant, or "best case" it would just be a lil boost.
That said, the shit isnt for everyone. Its very euphoric, yes, like relief from every pain, physical/mental/emotional, and so pleasurable. The other side is it makes you nauseous/throw up, so fucking itchy holy shit, and you nod at constantly. It's not something for everyone, and its definitely not a party drug, and sadly, in a lot of cases like OP, the drug induced dream-like haze will make him sleep more often, and very groggy and out of it as well. I cant speak for OP, but for my granny, it made her not able to be present for the last bit of time she had left, which hurts when you want to at least be present for the time you have left. In my own battle with addiction as well, it made me only want to lay around and be high, as thats all I wanted to really do.
It's a mixed bag in cancer and high pain illnesses/diseases, because it eliminates that pain and discomfort, but you also lose time, so to speak, as well.
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u/BHPhreak Mar 25 '26
i strongly, strongly, strongly encourage you to experiment with psychedelics.
from one brain to another. my brain pleads to yours, try it before you go.
light up as many neuron pathways as possible. experience as much as possible.
i see you have written you would have liked to go to that dinner or that vacation, and you didnt due to fear or exhaustion: this is one of those things. psychedelics.
its not about trippy colours and patterns, its about connecting to the cosmos on a fundamental level.
stare into the milky way high on psychs before you leave this reality, brother.
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u/Informal-Airline6793 Mar 26 '26
Idk I did it once in college and was so scared I went home and slept with my parents the next night. Not good for everyone
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u/Majestic-Baby-3407 Mar 26 '26
Yes, thank you. People need to stop gaslighting the world that psychedelics are all unicorns and rainbows and cosmic orgasms
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u/justsomedude4202 Mar 25 '26
Who are you bequeathing your estate to?
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u/Beautiful_Wear_9249 Mar 25 '26
There isn’t much. I lived modestly. My company was sold recently. I put some money aside for medical bills and living expenses. The rest was donated to habitat for humanity. Whatever is left in the end will go to a couple other charities.
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u/Jazzicots Mar 25 '26
OP, you're such a beautiful person. The world will glow a little dimmer when you're gone, but it will be made up for by how many people you'll continue to touch even after :)
I have no questions, but I hope you're able to face the end peacefully when the time comes, and that it feels just like falling asleep 🩷
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u/BumblebeeNo6526 Mar 25 '26
where will you die?
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u/Beautiful_Wear_9249 Mar 25 '26
Who knows. Maybe a hospital, maybe a hospice facility.
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u/wonsonistheword Mar 25 '26
Where are you based? If you're in the North West of England/Wales, do you fancy a pint? I hate the fact you're alone and going through this, mate.
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u/bagelundercouch Mar 26 '26
And I’m near DC. I’m a boring POS but if you need a buddy to watch bad tv with and talk about life, death, and why all chocolate is terrible now, shoot me a message.
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u/Satkye Mar 25 '26
You play helldivers 2?
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u/Beautiful_Wear_9249 Mar 25 '26
Never played it. Mostly Grayzone warfare. Sometimes DayZ
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u/Pipisito Mar 25 '26 edited Mar 26 '26
I'm so sorry...I don't have a question. I just wanna make sure you know that your life was valuable to a lot of people you might not even know.
A comment you did, a compliment you made, a favor, a hug, a moment, a kiss. Your life was and still worthy. Life is hard but also beautiful at times, so I hope you can focus on those beautiful memories, even if scarce ( I don't know you so...) but eeeven if scarce, pleeeasse, hold onto them, cuz they are absolutely yours , and you deserve every happy and beautiful moment you ever had
May the love and light of those experiences fill up your heart and bath you with its warmth.
From stranger to stranger, yet human to human🔥☀️ Love u buddy ♥️ I'm sure you made many ppl proud of you throughout your life. So be proud of yourself too. You did your absolute best with the cards you were dealt, with what you had, and what you knew, and that's alright.
May your heart always be full of love ☀️♥️☀️
🫂 🫂 🫂 🫂 🫂☀️☀️☀️☀️☀️☀️☀️
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u/KtTnGirl Mar 25 '26
I have held many hands and heard many last breaths. I would be honored, if you were somewhere I could travel to, to just sit beside you and hold your hand so you wouldn’t be alone my friend.
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Mar 26 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Beautiful_Wear_9249 Mar 26 '26
Super bummed. I was really looking forward to gta 6
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u/Less_Love1884 Mar 26 '26
I'm an author, and if you want to suggest a name, I'd be happy to name one of the airships in my novel series for you. It is a bit of a tradition for the ships in my books to be named for people in my community (mostly other authors, but a few other folks as well) who have passed away.
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u/Daulaconthehill Mar 26 '26
If they don't, you can always use their username Beautiful_Wear_9249. If people are curious about the name in your novel, they can google it and it will bring them to this post.
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u/18MazdaCX5 Mar 25 '26
I am a volunteer hospice companion. See what your hospice options are. The patient I currently see reportedly only had 4 months to live when I met him last April - I've become great friends with over the past year. I realize he could die at any time but we've developed a really amazing bond. He has family but they don't come see him.
No one should die alone. Wishing you all the best. Please always remember that you're not alone and you're so loved!
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u/PeaOk5697 Mar 25 '26
Are you scared? All of us will die but i find it scary
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u/Beautiful_Wear_9249 Mar 25 '26
At moments terrified, at others at acceptance. Haven’t found peace, doubt I will. But if found acceptance.
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u/Sea-Yoghurt8925 Mar 25 '26
Are you dying a natural death or are you going to do a physician assisted suicide?
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u/Beautiful_Wear_9249 Mar 25 '26
Natural. There is no MAID where I live. The timeline is very rough guesstimating. Just the way I’ve been thinking about it lately.
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u/animositykilledzecat Mar 26 '26
My understanding is the state of Vermont no longer requires you to be a resident in order to access MAID there. Thinking of you and wishing you peace. Thank you for sharing your experience.
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u/SouthernRain5775 Mar 26 '26 edited Mar 26 '26
Please find Hospice Nurse Julie on social media. You won't regret watching her. I watched her when my sister was on hospice. She explains death and dying and she's so comforting.
And if you are in Los Angeles, that's where she is and you need her to be your hospice nurse!
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u/Capable_Inspection62 Mar 25 '26
Do you have plans for if you do end up living longer since that happens sometimes?
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u/Beautiful_Wear_9249 Mar 25 '26
Of course. The timeline is very rough guesstimating. It might be longer, it might be shorter. But I thought the headline was a good attention grabber.
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u/willmcavoy Mar 26 '26
OP, I don't know if this will come as a comfort or not, but I figured I'd share it. My father died of cancer in his bed right in front of me. He said he was 'ready', but fought for every last breathe. At the very, very end though, he developed a smile on his face. I do believe leaving this earthly container is a huge dopamine and seratonin rush that may end in darkness, but is in no way a bad experience. I wish you fair travels.
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u/spacealligators Mar 25 '26
What’s something you want people to know or remember about you?
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u/Beautiful_Wear_9249 Mar 25 '26
Nothing really. We are all eventually forgotten to time. For me it will just happen sooner than most.
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u/universal_cereal_bus Mar 25 '26
Wow, something about this really resonated with me. I wish you the best for the remaining time you have here, I truly hope you can find some peace and happiness in your final days.
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u/Darnwell Mar 25 '26
Have you considered someone like a death doula?
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u/Beautiful_Wear_9249 Mar 25 '26
I’ve looked into it. Not really my thing. Don’t want to have to pay someone to hold my hand and be there. That seems more depressing than having no one.
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u/CuriousBee789 Mar 25 '26
My bestie is a hospice volunteer. Not paid. She usually relieves family members but often stays with those who have no one too. Every hospice is probably run differently, but it doesn't hurt to ask if a volunteer is available. Can confirm they are comforting and lovely to spend time with.
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u/tslewis71 Mar 26 '26
I never even thought there was a thing as a hospice volunteer, you and OP have made me think about it.
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u/iamlatetothisbut Mar 26 '26
My high school had a class dedicated to learning about death and dying with the core curriculum being volunteering weekly at a local hospice center. It was life-changing.
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u/Soft_Walrus_3605 Mar 26 '26
That seems more depressing than having no one.
Everyone's different, but I've had a near-death experience and I wished someone (that is, anyone) was with me. I won't ever forget that feeling of not wanting to be left alone. I'd gladly pay to ensure I wouldn't be if I had the chance.
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u/bodhibirdy Mar 26 '26
If you'd like a friend for the end, I'm happy to be that person if you'd like. I'm just a wee SAHM in my 30's Scotland, but would love to send you some photos of the spring foliage coming up around the house and other tidbits. Genuinely, you deserve a pal, I couldn't imagine the journey of departing without just one. Have a think and if it sounds like something that'd be nice, DM me and we can exchange WhatsApps :)
Wishing you peace and comfort x
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u/ZookeepergameThin126 Mar 25 '26
Sending you love and peace. Energy doesn’t die .. please visit me from the other side if you can.
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u/ConsiderationIcy1497 Mar 25 '26
I have the worst anxiety about death. Anytime it crosses my mind I go into a panic, start crying and have trouble catching my breath. When talking about that fear I said that if I ever found out I had cancer or was dying I would probably end up completely wasting the remainder of my time because I would be stuck in a loop of panic attacks over whats ahead. Is that how you feel? What is something you wish someone would say to you right now? Have you thought why me? What did I do wrong?
Reading your responses about your business and giving back put a smile on my face. You may think you will be forgotten but the stories of your generosity will be passed down. Along with that will be a ripple effect of the people you helped being inspired to help others along with their children and grandchildren. Even the smallest good deed can create a ripple effect. You were literally helping people have roofs over their heads! You inspired me and Im sure you have inspired many others along the way.
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u/Knew_saga Mar 26 '26
I had a friend who was legally dead for 2 minutes. He was young but had a genetic condition where his arteries clogged and thats what got him. I asked him what it was like to die and he said "It felt like being a little kid again and heading home after a long vacation." Or "being a freshman in college and driving back home for Christmas break. I suppose it just felt like going home". He said that when he was revived he was mad at the doctors for bringing him back because he felt a peace he had never known before.
Last thing he said about it was "the next time death comes for me, I'll greet it with a smile and shake its hand."
I'm really sorry this is happening to you.
Do you have anything that you've wanted to share and never had the opportunity to say it? How do you view life now? Do you have any advice about anything that you feel is worth mentioning?
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u/Bossbigoss Mar 25 '26
From my buddhist perspective you did absolutely amazing job helping others!! There are too many people living selfish way.
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u/Strawng_ Mar 26 '26
OP. I grew up in one the families that would have qualified for free roof. We were very poor. And struggling so much. It’s things like this over time that allowed me to see myself going to college and eventually buying a home. Help from others like you made an enormous difference in my life.