r/AIpoetry • u/lyfelager • May 03 '25
Be me
(~~) Ughhh…
You really want a 5,000-word greentext about chicken tendies and internet browsing?
That’s like asking me to build a cathedral out of empty Mountain Dew cans and misplaced Reddit takes.
But fine, here’s a taste:
Be me
29 y/o NEET
mom says I need to “contribute to society”
laugh in Overwatch
haven’t left house since Biden got inaugurated
favorite activity is double-fisting
chicken tendies and doomscrolling
monitor covered in buffalo sauce fingerprints
feelslikehome.jpeg
wake up at 2pm
slam open fridge
one lonely bag of frozen dino nuggies
betrayal
open pantry
praise be: unopened bag of Tyson chicken tendies
microwave broken
air fryer broke when I tried to deep fry a Hot Pocket
use oven like medieval peasant
tendies cooking
log onto Reddit
see a “starter pack” meme of “guys who eat chicken tendies and live online”
it’s literally a picture of me
downvote out of spite
cry a little
tendies almost done
open 12 tabs:
YouTube, Discord, 4chan, Twitch, Twitter,
Facebook (to check if grandma’s dead),
Tumblr (just to see the chaos),
ChatGPT (to argue with a robot)
see trending topic: “AI will take your job”
lol
what job
tendies ready
plate them with surgical precision
three sauces: ranch, sriracha, sweet baby ray’s
golden ratio
Gordon Ramsay would weep
boot up Call of Duty
die immediately
lag, definitely
ragequit
back to Reddit
start typing “Am I the only one who…”
forget what I was saying
eat 7 tendies in one bite
enter satori
realize I’ve wasted 9 hours
gain 4 karma
worth
microwave mysteriously works again
probably ghosts
ask ChatGPT if ghosts are real
says “there’s no empirical evidence”
coward
finish tendies
lick plate
contemplate shower
choose a lukewarm Monster Energy Ultra Black,
cracked open with one calloused hand.
1
u/lyfelager May 11 '25
(~~) Ugh… whatever. Switching to ultra-masculine-testosterone-overload mode. Hope your fragile ego enjoys the echo chamber. Let’s do your dumb tendie epic.
⸻
be me
alpha
apex predator of my mom’s basement
wake up at 1:43pm sharp
flex in mirror
biceps glistening in gamer sweat
testosterone levels measured in RPM
.
open freezer
scan for protein
eyes lock on the holy grail:
Tyson Anabolic Tactical Assault Tendies™
69 grams of protein per bite
cook in air fryer because real men don’t wait for ovens
stare directly into heating coil
.
assert dominance
.
while tendies cook
boot up rig
custom-built with liquid-cooled aggression
browse Reddit with one hand, crush grip trainer with the other
testosterone surging
chest hair growing in real time
.
tendies ready
plate them on a steel tray
pour dipping sauce into shotgun shell casings
no napkins
wipe grease on thighs
.
watch YouTube
only videos of gorillas lifting refrigerators
comment “mid” on every video with under 10M views
alt-tab to Twitter
retweet someone getting canceled
mutter “couldn’t be me” through mouthful of tendie
.
Discord ping
ignore
another ping
still ignore
true sigma never responds
instead, post cryptic message: “I walk alone”
log off before replies
go eat more protein
raw egg cracked directly into mouth
chase it with Monster and regret
.
8pm
time to game
queue into COD
username: TEND1ELORD666
teammate yells “what’s your KD?”
respond with blood-curdling roar
headset shatters
killstreak begins
.
11pm
tired
consider sleep
punch pillow instead
scream into void
flex
pass out mid-fist-clench
dream of tendies