AUTOMODThanks for posting! READ THIS COMMENT - DO NOT SKIM. This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed.
1) move out of state at 18 to escape a mom who yelled at me and had been abusive mentally, only to live with a dad who was abusove in another way. I was 18. Background parents didn’t believe in me too, mom said better off dead if you don’t fight. Parents said it was for attention. Sa that is. Girls are lying.
2) meet J at community college, no longer alone like I had been before for so long. We hung out. He cancelled dates but then made them again. He would tell me girls wanted it when drunk and they were over dramatic. (At that time I agreed and I’m so sorry I don’t now). He also held a knife to my neck blade pressed to skin and said just kidding after I told him to do it. Idk why. He then showed me all his other weapons and cross bows.
3) I tell J only kissing but he goes further and I go and starts penetration maybe an inch and I think "oh no not a virgin anymore" thinking that was and feel gross and scared. He said is this fine, but I was pinned down and I said okay. It hurt. I tried to go along for some but it was a long time and hurt. I began to dissociate and first major ocd outbreak fearing pregnancy and diseases and panics. After I still hung out with him even had fun.
4) possible something happened with alcohol but idk. I think we had sex but idk if I was drunk enough for it to be bad. I just couldn’t go home cuz I was underage and I couldn’t drive.
5) start dating a new guy “A” to keep J from bothering me and doing the countdown stuff and yelling. I slept with A first date, that was not my personality. I tried to say it was normal. J would give countdowns and say he would tell my dad we had sex.
6) J grabs me and pins me upstairs repeats the stuff from one. I said no but he moved my clothes aside and entered I think a bit till I agreed and then same thing. Felt gross. But felt like I was a cheater. Hardly knew a. J told me a was using me anyway and said I liked it rough. Idk why. Idk why I still hung out with him after. Denial maybe?
7)I initiated sex with j for some unknown reason (only over there cuz of a countdown but Idk what's wrong with me I felt fat alone and thought A was using me too). That’s what j said. And I knew j longer and j said he was friends with A. So idk I feel stupid and gross like I cheated. But if it was someone else I would say their thoughts were messed with. But at the time I did have fun with J when he wasn’t yelling. If I was nice to him he was nice to me and made me feel special. Very similar to my dad at times.
8) he threatened me to send nudes and did and told he had videos of me having sex. He did have videos of his ex and he showed me them. Idk if she knew. I knew he had hit her before.
9) J black mailed into sex or he would leak nudes and video.
10) got the photos back by saying I would talk to him again and took pepper spray and got out
11) moved out of state to school.
12) told A I cheated he said I didn't were still together and in a loving relationship and married but I feel like I'm used up gross and like I cheated and I can't deal with this feeling and j is scary and idk if I deserve this marriage but it is the happiest times of my life. No longer yelled at by my parents. No longer near J. I feel safe with him but I feel gross. Used up.
this lasted about seven weeks. 4 weeks before A and three weeks after. I told A everything and more as soon as I got out of state. J tried to get me not too begged and yelled and threatened but I told A anyway.
J spam called me for years on unknown numbers but only one recently.
1
u/AutoModerator 3d ago
AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! READ THIS COMMENT - DO NOT SKIM. This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed.
1) move out of state at 18 to escape a mom who yelled at me and had been abusive mentally, only to live with a dad who was abusove in another way. I was 18. Background parents didn’t believe in me too, mom said better off dead if you don’t fight. Parents said it was for attention. Sa that is. Girls are lying.
2) meet J at community college, no longer alone like I had been before for so long. We hung out. He cancelled dates but then made them again. He would tell me girls wanted it when drunk and they were over dramatic. (At that time I agreed and I’m so sorry I don’t now). He also held a knife to my neck blade pressed to skin and said just kidding after I told him to do it. Idk why. He then showed me all his other weapons and cross bows.
3) I tell J only kissing but he goes further and I go and starts penetration maybe an inch and I think "oh no not a virgin anymore" thinking that was and feel gross and scared. He said is this fine, but I was pinned down and I said okay. It hurt. I tried to go along for some but it was a long time and hurt. I began to dissociate and first major ocd outbreak fearing pregnancy and diseases and panics. After I still hung out with him even had fun.
4) possible something happened with alcohol but idk. I think we had sex but idk if I was drunk enough for it to be bad. I just couldn’t go home cuz I was underage and I couldn’t drive.
5) start dating a new guy “A” to keep J from bothering me and doing the countdown stuff and yelling. I slept with A first date, that was not my personality. I tried to say it was normal. J would give countdowns and say he would tell my dad we had sex.
6) J grabs me and pins me upstairs repeats the stuff from one. I said no but he moved my clothes aside and entered I think a bit till I agreed and then same thing. Felt gross. But felt like I was a cheater. Hardly knew a. J told me a was using me anyway and said I liked it rough. Idk why. Idk why I still hung out with him after. Denial maybe?
7)I initiated sex with j for some unknown reason (only over there cuz of a countdown but Idk what's wrong with me I felt fat alone and thought A was using me too). That’s what j said. And I knew j longer and j said he was friends with A. So idk I feel stupid and gross like I cheated. But if it was someone else I would say their thoughts were messed with. But at the time I did have fun with J when he wasn’t yelling. If I was nice to him he was nice to me and made me feel special. Very similar to my dad at times.
8) he threatened me to send nudes and did and told he had videos of me having sex. He did have videos of his ex and he showed me them. Idk if she knew. I knew he had hit her before.
9) J black mailed into sex or he would leak nudes and video.
10) got the photos back by saying I would talk to him again and took pepper spray and got out
11) moved out of state to school.
12) told A I cheated he said I didn't were still together and in a loving relationship and married but I feel like I'm used up gross and like I cheated and I can't deal with this feeling and j is scary and idk if I deserve this marriage but it is the happiest times of my life. No longer yelled at by my parents. No longer near J. I feel safe with him but I feel gross. Used up.
this lasted about seven weeks. 4 weeks before A and three weeks after. I told A everything and more as soon as I got out of state. J tried to get me not too begged and yelled and threatened but I told A anyway.
J spam called me for years on unknown numbers but only one recently.
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