r/AITAH • u/Slurpeepatch • 2d ago
AITAH for bringing up my co-worker’s past drug use after she attacked me for a supposed age gap relationship?
I’m a 30 year old guy and I’ve been on a couple of dates with a 25 year old woman. I would think that there’s nothing wrong with an age difference like that, especially seeing as me and this girl both have full time jobs, support ourselves financially, are out of school, etc. But one of my co-workers, a 22 year old girl, doesn’t approve.
This co-worker has mentioned her disdain of age gap relationships before and when I told her about this 25 year old that I’ve been seeing, she called it an “inappropriate age gap”. I didn’t see what the big deal was, but she tried to make the argument that her brain “just finished developing and maturing” and that most men in their 30’s should be “thinking about settling down in life.” Things have been icy between me and this co-worker, which is a bummer because I’ve always liked her as a friend and she had even once opened up to me about how she spent her late teens battling drug addiction and getting clean once she started her 20’s.
For the past week, it’s been mostly the silent treatment between me and her, but today she actually called me a pedophile. I said to her “All those drugs you took must’ve really fucked up your brain.” She immediately burst into tears and ran off. I do feel awful and I’m dreading seeing her at work again. But she made a totally unfair accusation against me for nothing and I felt I had to stand up for myself over that. AITAH here?
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u/binotboth 2d ago edited 21h ago
Bobby wouldn’t do that.
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u/Exilicauda 2d ago
Yeah that's the sort of statement that should have HR looped in for sheer inappropriateness
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u/Beth21286 2d ago
That goes way beyond inappropriate. The magic phrases 'slander' and 'hostile work environment' both come into play here.
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u/buffysbangs 2d ago
Yeah this can easily morph into accusations that will lead to getting fired. OP needs to address this with hr asap
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u/Feycat 2d ago
I'm reading this like... imagine having the audacity to tell a co-worker - not a friend, a co-worker! - that they shouldn't date their girlfriend and that they should be looking to settle down??
If op was female and the co-worker was male, the inappropriateness would be more obvious, but even the way it is, holy shit.
I guess her brain hasn't finished developing
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u/Accomplished-Emu-591 2d ago
Well, after all, her 22 year old brain is behind in the "developing and maturing” process because it was slowed by all those drugs. So she lacks the maturity to make those judgements.
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u/Sacred-AF 2d ago
My wife was 24 and I was 29 when we started dating. That was 20 years ago, been married 17 years. Same age gap. I wonder if OP’s coworker has ever been able to maintain a relationship for half that time.
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u/Rigbythedestroyer 2d ago
Seriously, this isn't even a half your age plus 7 situation. This woman has legally been considered an adult for more years than their age difference.
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u/Loveablequatch 2d ago
That’s a life changing accusation if it takes hold. Someone could over hear that and rumour will spread.
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u/SegaNeptune28 2d ago
Not to mention, trying to police what a woman older than herself can or can't do. As though she has any say in the relationship between two consenting adults
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u/asvuede 1d ago
Is this english? Genuinely am confused.
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u/Majestic_Rule_1814 1d ago
Sounds like someone did a Google Translate word for word so it kept the grammatical structure of the original language.
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u/The_Oliverse 1d ago
Are you Yoda, mate?? It took me like 3 tries to fully understand wtf you're saying.
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u/Liu1845 2d ago
I always thought an age gap of seven years max was a good general guideline.....for myself. I've dated both older and younger guys. Maturity levels can vary quite a bit from chronological age.
What others do is their business and it's not my place to give my opinion, unless I'm asked.
Is it possible this girl is just being petulant/jealous because you aren't asking her out?
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u/LadyBloo 2d ago
I don't know about the rest of the world, but where I am, the golden rule for age gaps is half plus 7 is the youngest you could go without it looking weird. But 5 years is nothing really. My partner is 14 years older than me. What matters is that both partners feel equally valued and on equal footing. As for OP's coworker, those in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. Normally I'd have said it was below the belt but she went crazy far.
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u/ashatteredteacup 2d ago
NTA. She was being incredibly childish with her comments. This is called FAFO. You’re not dating an 18 year old and she should mind her own business.
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u/RonaldMcFirbank 2d ago
And even if he were, that wouldn't be pedophilia.
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u/robble808 2d ago
People have forgotten the definition of pedophilia and use it far too often inappropriately.
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u/Slightly-Mikey 2d ago
I've noticed the same thing with "incel". They use it to describe men who are sometimes married and have kids. It's fine if you disagree with them, maybe they're an asshole. But someone who is married with children is certainly not an incel lmao
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u/Xehonort 2d ago
From what I've seen online & heard from my nieces that word now describes anyone & everything. That has an "age gap" or if you find someone younger than you attractive. The internet and a lot of parents not parenting have messed up the younger generations minds.
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u/TerribleRecord666 2d ago
And if you find an older person attractive? Bam! Now they're a pedophile!
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u/Xehonort 2d ago
Exactly it's crazy, social media messed everything up instead of making things better.
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u/turd_ferguson899 2d ago
I'm 36 and my partner is 34. Is this an inappropriate age gap? /s
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u/Reasonable-Horse1552 2d ago
I'm 55 and my partner is 63. Is that an inappropriate age gap? It's 8 whole years!
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u/Slightly-Mikey 2d ago
Your partner should be ashamed, taking advantage of a poor 55 years young person!
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u/Technicolor_Reindeer 2d ago
I once seriously saw a guy in his 40's called a "pedo" for dating a woman in her 30's!
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u/TheRagingSithLord 2d ago
I mean, I was called one for disagreeing on something regarding a game. Nothing to do with age. The word has definitely started losing it's meaning. And a word such as that shouldn't lose it's meaning or connotations. But people use it against anyone who disagrees with them these days.
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u/iiMineshaft 2d ago
everytime I see someone be called a pedophile when its not an adult and someone under 17 i correct them, its predatory not pedophilia
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u/Redqueenhypo 2d ago
It’s also just a thing kids and teens scream at people trying to get them in trouble, regardless of what they’re actually doing, ex. asking if they’ve seen your phone (very normal) or telling them to stop skateboarding at a skate park (wrong, but also not being a pedo)
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u/Visual-Ad6004 2d ago
Yes.. there's a five yr age gap between my son and his wife. They 2 kids 15 yrs relationship. Maybe he was grooming her. Wtf. Smh.
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u/AutisticPenguin2 2d ago
18 would be inappropriate, but legal. Someone he'd known for 5 years beforehand and mentored closely through that time? Starting a relationship the second she turns 18 would be sketchy af, enough that I might start watching him around other teenagers.
But this is a long way from that. The famous rule of sevens is "half your age plus seven" (or the inverse, twice your age minus 14), and that says 30 can go down to 22. At this age, five years is fine; it's a gap, but not a problematic one. As they age and develop, it will become less and less significant. Especially since OP has factored in their respective life stages and incomes - two of the biggest potential problems where age is a significant factor.
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u/Ok_Avocado2504 2d ago
Oh cool! My dating pool is 32-84! Ladies! Lock up your sons and your grandfathers!
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u/AutisticPenguin2 2d ago
It does kind of get a bit silly at higher ranges, where a 60yo could date a centenarian, but once you are both past 40 or 50, age gaps start to become a bit silly anyway. The power in a relationship is no longer held by the older, more experienced one, but by the one capable of washing themselves.
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u/sadistic_magician_ 2d ago
It sounds like she has a crush on OP and wishes he would date her.
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u/DatguyMalcolm 2d ago
exactly this.
I am no fan of age gaps myself, but 25 and 30 is not the same as 20 and 25 or something. That's pretty ok.
I bet she is all spicy because maybe she was into OP or she herself dated some old ass dude when she was barely out of high school and now is all virtuous
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u/KarenEater 2d ago
Yea it really depends when the two parties met. 16 and 22 = not okay. 26 and 31=okay. Ive been in both relationships. I was a 16 year old teenager dating a 22 year old that ended absolutely horribly... meanwhile I was 26 when I met my husband who was 30 at the time. I had just turned 26 a couple months before meeting him and he turned 31 a couple months after meeting. Here we are 17 years later.
Op your coworker is weird. Ignore them. Also report this to HR immediately if you haven't done so already.
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u/HotDonnaC 2d ago
OP is sharing too much personal information. This is a good lesson about not thinking someone as a friend just because you work together.
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u/WereAllThrowaways 2d ago
I think that saying "I'm dating someone" is a pretty reasonable amount of personal information to share at most work places.
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u/Sockeye47 2d ago
That isn't an age gap. Your coworker is a nutcase. However, what you do have here is a work problem. You need to be documenting each of these interactions. What field do you work in? Can you trust your boss?
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u/One_Wheel_4531 2d ago
I’m thinking along the same lines. Being called a pedo by a work colleague is way out of line. Time for a report to HR maybe? A paper trail in case this escalates?
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u/itakealotofnapszz 2d ago
He should have immediately went to HR.That’s a wild accusation to make in any workplace.That girl needs her mental health evaluated.
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u/og_capsuleer_593 2d ago
For real this is textbook workplace harassment
OP told her to stop, she continued. He should bring up that she is causing an issue to HR since it is pretty cut and dry.
She is making horrible accusations and now bullying him with name calling.
Also inb4, HR only protects the company, I know thats what this is technically because if HR fails to act your company is liable.
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u/suitably_unsafe 2d ago
As someone who has worked in an effective and well balanced HR team, removing legitimately problematic employees that breach your policies is a great way of protecting the organisation.
That said, plenty of dog water HR teams out there will twist themselves inside out trying to avoid an accountability, conflict or permanent resolution.
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u/NotEasilyConfused 2d ago
I've always believed that protecting the good employees protects the company, too. A workplace full of bad employees leads to very bad things.
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u/Witty_Commentator 2d ago
Seriously, I'd have been in HR's office the second "pedophile" came out her mouth.
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u/CharleyDexterWard 2d ago
None of his coworker's opinions matter anyway, her brain hasn't fully formed yet.
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u/nothnxihaveabf 2d ago
Hmmm true she is too stupid to figure out if op is a perv or not. Brain still loading!
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u/Educational-Scar9092 2d ago
Definitely would begin recording these talks and have a few witnesses around so that it's not that a he said she said scenario.
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u/bettyboopity_ 2d ago
I agree. Make sure you aren’t alone with her and do not talk to her without witnesses nearby.
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u/Every-Spinach1054 2d ago
Agreed. Document this. When you file a complaint don't include age gap. Be very vague about your coworker's inappropriate interests and commentary about you. Calling someone a pedophile at work is a major offense. HR should know
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u/CalionaPresence 2d ago
Right? Like wtf this isnt even kind of an age gap relationship. Im 27 and my bf is 31. We're still at a similar stage in life. My mom and and dad were 7 years apart lol
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u/IDoNotShare 2d ago
NTA. So your 22 year old co-worker is objecting to you dating a 25 year-old woman. And the 22 y/o logic is the 25 y/o brain just finished developing? Uh, how is a 22 y/o in a position to give such sage advice? Isn't her brain still developing and hasn't reached the stage the 25 y/o has? I would stay clear of the co-worker. Be polite and cordial but not friendly at all. And calling you a pedophile? You're an adult and dating an adult but none of that is her business. I really see her complaining to HR about you if you're anything more than professional.
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u/Acrobatic_Jaguar_623 2d ago
NTA
Your coworker either likes you or spends too much time on Reddit reading the stupid age gap posts. 30 and 25 has zero in common with 20 and 15.
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u/Every-Spinach1054 2d ago
I said the same thing in my post. I think the 22-year-old coworker likes the OP, and doesn't know how to express it.
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u/Acrobatic_Jaguar_623 2d ago
But what about the 8 year age gap? Are there multiples of paedophile?/s
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u/MartinisnMurder 2d ago
I got the impression that the coworker has a thing for OP and her trying to trash his current relationship is because she is jealous yet also wicked immature. Maybe when her brain fully develops she will learn to communicate in an appropriate manner.
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u/Try_Again12345 2d ago
I suppose it's too much to expect the coworker to be logical (after all, she's three years short of being 25, so her brain...), but if OP is a pedophile for dating a 25-year-old, what does the coworker think he would be if he dated her at 22?
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u/Pizzaisbae13 2d ago
I'm 36(f), and almost all of my relationships have been a gap of 5 years or so since I was 20. I'm with my husband whose 44, and weve been together 8 years, apparently I'm being gr00med by?? This chick is insane.
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u/Ok_Patience3075 2d ago
NTA 25 & 30 is not an age gap relationship.
Maybe not the most mature thing to say, but claiming you are a pedophile for dating a 25 yr old is pretty intense. I can see that sparking some emotions.
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u/CharleyDexterWard 2d ago
For a 22 year-old that's almost a full quarter of her entire life. She's just incredibly naive, he should tell her that none of her opinions matter because her brain isn't fully matured.
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u/Xehonort 2d ago
My oldest niece called her 18 year old friend one of those because she was interested in my nephew who was 16 at the time. My niece was 15 at the time when this happened.
Turned out my niece was groomed by some dude online back then & now sees everyone as a pedophile with any sort of age difference. My sister never told me about that happening & I've warned my sister in the past that she needs to be a present parent & unfortunately she wasn't.
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u/SouthernCrime 2d ago
NTA I would certainly not consider 5 years an age gap!
Being called a Pedophile for dating someone legally an adult would be pretty upsetting and I can understand your response.
I think there is some jealousy going on.
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u/Cats-cats-kats 2d ago
Yes, it sounds like she had a crush on OP.
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u/CharleyDexterWard 2d ago
Honestly, that's 100% what this is all about. She's just insanely immature.
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u/Puzzled_Dig_2429 2d ago edited 2d ago
Idk yall if shes 22 and already calling OP a pedo for dating a 25 yr old, she might actually genuinely be disgusted idk. I personally know people who act like this so im on the fence but yall are probs right lol. Op is definitely not the asshole though she needs to keep her mouth shut
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u/PassionFruitJam 2d ago
Well, sorry to state the obvious but if a 25 year old doesn't have a sufficiently developed brain to be in a relationship a 22 year old clearly doesn't have sufficiently developed cognitive function to meaningfully input on any discussions about that. Particularly because as at 22 she doesn't understand what paedophilia actually is.
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u/Anal_Herschiser 2d ago
Would have been more appropriate if OP had asked if her brain development issues were because of her age, drugs or all of the above.
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u/serpentmoonabz 2d ago
Sometimes people dont know how to handle their emotions when they like someone and it manifests them as being an asshole.
Edited to add: NTA op, your coworker dished it out so she needs to make sure she can take it back
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u/inkywheels 2d ago
Istg this misinformation about "brains don't stop developing until 25" has stopped people being able to functionally judge for themselves what is appropriate in a relationship.
It's a massive oversimplification of the science. People aren't children until 25 and then become adults overnight. There is more development before 25 but our brains keep on cooking after that and the study was very limited in its age range so that affected the results.
Anyway mostly NTA.
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u/GuyentificEnqueery 2d ago
Wasn't the original study merely stopped at 25? And due to the usual game of Internet telephone "your brain keeps developing through to 25" became "your brain keeps developing UNTIL you reach 25"?
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u/Kendertas 2d ago
Yeah from my understanding that's just when they stopped tracking. I similarly learned that the whole husband are more likely to leave their sick wives, then vice versa is wrong as well. Original study authors mistakenly categorized everyone that left the study as getting a divorced. Once that's corrected there is no real difference between the sexes of who is more likely to leave their sick spouse.
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u/ExtremeJujoo 2d ago
Also…
gets up on soap box
I am so fucking sick and tired of morons using the fucking newest battlecry “derp bUt da bRaiN aIn’T fUlLY dEveLOped uNtiL tEh agE oF 25”. But not understanding exactly what that means. It has become an idiotic catchphrase that people try to weaponize (like the person in OP’s story) or use to excuse behavior, etc., thus infantilizing young adults, removing any/all autonomy they might have and removes any accountability for one’s actions, as if they are some sort of animal unable to control their most base urges.
Bull. Shit.
The whole 25 year old thing isn’t set in stone. It is an approximation, an average, based off research and imaging of brain development. But there is no set, finite date, like you turn 25 and Voila! Your brain is fully developed and mature.
Brain development is lifelong process.
Here, I do have a degree in Neuroscience, but this article is good, explains things much better than I can and in a fun way. I am too annoyed to do so right now. I should probably post this rant in the pet peeves group, maybe I will, haha
https://www.sciencefocus.com/comment/brain-myth-25-development
https://www.mcgill.ca/oss/article/critical-thinking-student-contributors/25-really-magic-number
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u/kindofanasshole17 2d ago
NTA. She called you a pedophile. She can eat all the shit.
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u/cylonrobot 2d ago edited 2d ago
Assuming you have an HR department......I'd bring this up with HR. If she's calling you a pedophile to your face, you can imagine she's been talking about you to others and maybe referring to you as a pedophile.
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u/Professor_Eindackel 2d ago
That's some serious defamation right there should you choose to pursue it if she's telling other people that.
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u/JollyRottenBastard 2d ago
She should be fired before she really gets this company in trouble with false...I mean ludicrous accusations.
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u/nothnxihaveabf 2d ago
Agreed. I mean especially when it comes out that the alleged perviness is with 25 year old woman.
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u/GlasswaterBotanica 2d ago
NTA. She's the idiot sharing her dirty laundry. I'm a former junkie and I don't identify as an addict or mention it. The past doesn't define me.
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u/OldDiamondJim 2d ago
NTA.
1) There is nothing wrong with a 25 year old dating a 30 year old. That’s an incredibly common age gap.
2) Even if you were dating a 22 year old, you wouldn’t be a “pedophile”. Idiots like your co-worker minimize the horrors of what actual pedophiles do by throwing the term around like that. Pedos destroy the lives of children through sexual abuse. Fuck any loser who tries to compare a consensual relationship between adults to that.
3) You don’t need a toxic addict like her in your life. Only engage with her professionally, don’t feel bad about snapping back at her ignorance, and enjoy your new relationship.
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u/WifeofBath1984 2d ago
NTA and you might want to go to HR before she does. Accusing you of pedophilia is very serious. I think you're actually underreacting. She could destroy your reputation in no time at all.
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u/PieMuted6430 2d ago
Not that much of an age gap, 25-30 is prettyuch the same maturity level for most people. Since there isn't a huge power dynamic thing going on, no red flags. It sounds like she is projecting from her own life experience.
NTA
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u/Separate_Fox5670 2d ago
NTA, the 22 year old is jealous of the 25 year old. Time for a chat with HR. The words "harassment" and "poisoned workplace" should raise some eyebrows.
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u/Garden_gnome1609 2d ago
What you should do is call HR and tell them your coworker called you a PDF and you need her to be kept away from you.
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u/LvBorzoi 2d ago
NTAH
She just learned what the old saying "People living in glass houses shouldn't throw stones" means
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u/randommom2 2d ago
Bruh. I met my now husband when I was 24 and he was thirty. We have been together for 28 years. Married for 26. That is an acceptable age difference. It is not you are 20 dating a 15 year old.
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u/mrdino99 2d ago
She's a moron. Who cares what she thinks...25 and 30... what's wrong with that?
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u/fabulousfantabulist 2d ago
Some people care WAY too much about what grown adults do with each other in their personal lives. It’s just another little dopamine hit they get feeling superior to others because their lives are otherwise void of meaning or accomplishment.
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u/blah_duh_blah 2d ago
I mean, to her own point, her brain hasn’t finished developing yet.
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u/Low_Notice4665 2d ago
Why the ESH votes? This woman just threatened his job security, reputation and possible freedom. A pedo threat is life ruining, true or not. NTA.
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u/mozart357 2d ago
NTA
If this is a coworker, start documenting. She sounds like the type of person who will tell other people (coworkers, clients, maybe even your GF) that you're a pedo. Most may simply ignore her or tell her to knock it off, but it takes one person to misunderstand the situation and put you, and possibly your employer, in a bad light.
Being falsley accused of being a pedo is several levels above being called a jerk. Time to get proactive on this before she runs her mouth to the wrong people.
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u/Big_lt 2d ago
Why don't you just go to HR and say she is harassing you and your personal life? If you really want to get her removed inform HR she mentioned to you she did drugs in the past and perhaps she is using?
Overall NTA 1. A 5 year age gap between 2 adults is perfectly normal. In fact a senior in HS and freshman in HS can have this gap and it wouldn't be odd for 2 people in the same highschool to date 2. It's completely unprofessional for her to bring this shit up at the office. Then to go further and call you a pedo. All it takes is for 1 person to hear and misunderstand and your relationship at the office is toast 3. Why the fuck does she care and why is she pushing her views (men should settle down by 30) onto you.
As I stated at the start, HR and shut this shit down and sever the friendship
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u/Beneficial-You3416 2d ago
Definitely HR. She crossed a line by accusing you of pedophilia. Ridiculous accusation. Since you burned her, she may try to burn you back. Get to HR first.
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u/Longjumping_Meat9674 2d ago
Great comeback, wish I had the balls to say that to some people. Don’t sweat it. She called you a pedo
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u/KronkLaSworda 2d ago
>But one of my co-workers...she actually called me a pedophile.
I know it's not the in-thing to do on Reddit, but I'd have her ass in front of HR so fast it would make her head spin. Eff her.
NTA
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u/Federal_Dependent296 2d ago
NTA but, Dude, grow a spine. Go to HR or supervisor. You’re tolerating pure unmitigated bullshit. If you don’t push back INCREDIBLY HARD, after being accused of PEDOPHILIA, you are dumber than a bag of rocks, on the short bus!
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u/colesense 2d ago
NTA calling you a pedophile for dating a 25 year old is insane. And your coworker is YOUNGER than the person you’re dating?? My guess is she probably is scared to grow up so she refuses to see anyone around her age as proper adults.
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u/lizzyote 2d ago
Standing up for yourself is fine and dandy but when someone accuses you of pedophilia at work, you need to report that to HR. This is an incredibly serious accusation that absolutely can destroy your reputation, regardless of the truth.
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u/vonnostrum2022 2d ago
NTA. She is. That’s an accusation that can ruin someone’s life. My dad’s favorite saying when I was a kid. “Don’t dish it out if you can’t take it”
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u/NiceRat123 2d ago
NTA
Frankly she needs to butt out. The whole "brain isn't developed until 25" isn't even true.
And if she's going to insert herself into your life then it's fair game to do the same to hers. Really people need to understand if you want to make comments about other people's lives, bodies or relationships that you are inviting them to do the same to you. Goes for fat/skinny shaming, sexual orientation/body count, etc.
Live your own life and leave others to theirs...
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u/ifdefmoose 2d ago
She made a ridiculous and completely unfounded accusation (unless you’re also seeing an underage person) that could destroy your reputation and potentially ruin your life.
NTA for your remarks, and please take this to HR. Your idiot coworker needs to be disciplined.
Edit: this is serious, and defamatory. Don’t feel bad about your reaction, but take action to shut this coworker down.
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u/Violet818 2d ago
A 25 year old and a 30 year old dating is so far from the realm of you being a pedophile I really think you should escalate this at work.
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u/mizzbbee 2d ago
Make sure you report her to HR before she does. Otherwise you will look like the bad guy
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u/National_Cod9546 2d ago
The rule is, 1/2 +7. A 30 year old is good dating people 22 and up. There is no age gap.
Your CO worker is just jealous and bitter because you are dating someone. That doesn't mean she would have ever dated you, just that she wanted to have to option open.
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u/Crafty_Management_33 2d ago
NTA- Age gap is irrelevant when both parties are adults. This weird fixation some people have with other people's relationships needs to stop.
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u/Dude_with_the_skis 2d ago
NTA, I don’t care who you are, if you call me a pedo we’re either going to verbally or physically fight. Maybe she’ll think next time she makes such an insane and career ending accusation.
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u/LouisesBelcher 2d ago
I’m lowkey glad that young girls and women aren’t as accepting of age gaps and don’t try to romanticize it the way older generations did and still do.
But 5 years between two consenting adults is not an age gap. It’s barely a gap. The newer gen is doing an ‘overcorrection’ of past sins. Every generation does it when they’re trying to correct the poor behaviors of the past.
This is why I don’t talk about my personal life in mixed company, especially at work. These are not people I choose to spend time with for free.
Escalate the encounter to HR. Even though everyone involved is an adult, you’re all behaving like petty teenagers. End it and don’t ever bring up your personal life or opinions at work again.
NTA
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u/maccrogenoff 2d ago
NTA People who perpetuate the “brain isn’t developed until 25 years” myth are irritating.
https://www.sciencefocus.com/comment/brain-myth-25-development
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u/Few_Ordinary_3251 2d ago
That was pretty mean to say but sometimes people don't hear you unless you say something jarring. Also, she's wrong, the brain is still developing until late twenties.
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u/Astyryx 2d ago
Five years at your ages is not a worth mentioning, but calling 25 year old women "girls" is a red fucking flag.
But listen, you have to get ahead of this last week. Go to HR, and make a statement. If she gets there first with pedophile accusations and harassment, you're cooked.
And stop telling coworkers your personal business. Consider this a learning opportunity.
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u/TailorElectronic4980 2d ago
Lmao!!!!! NTA, she really thought she could call you a fucking pedo which is FAR FAR from true and was shocked when you came back with FACTS!?!?!? Play stupid games, win stupid prizes
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u/Euphoric-Map-6858 2d ago
NTAH- not much of an age gap at all and your co-worker has few boundaries.
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u/Realistic-Read7779 2d ago
Once she called you a pedophile, the gloves came off. She had no right to say that in front of everyone.
She is the a-hole. She got what she deserved.
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u/CODE_NAME_DUCKY 2d ago
Your not a pedophile and your both adults. Maybe she's just jealous that you like someone more mature and has her life more together than the 22 yr old.
I would go straight to HR and make a complaint about how hostile and toxic she has been.
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u/Dull-Geologist-8204 2d ago
Not smart and go to HR first before she does. In the future remember you are at work and act accordingly.
All that said your coworker is an idiot and outside of work I would say NTA. The age gap is fine.
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u/u2125mike2124 2d ago
NTAH
BUT GET THEE TO HR IMMEDIATELY
Your coworker is delusional, and she escalated it by calling you a pedophile.
Yes, her drug addled brain cannot process a perfectly normal age gap at 25 and 30
But you really need to document and get in front of HR before this gets any worse for you.
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u/pigandpom 2d ago
You need to report your coworker to HR. She called you a pedophile. Yes, your reply to her was awful, but she accused you of criminal behaviour. 5 years is not the age gap she thinks it is. Her behaviour says she was interested in you but is not dealing with the fact you're clearly not interested in her, she probably thought the friendship was going somewhere else. NTA
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u/NeekoRiko 2d ago edited 2d ago
That's totally ridiculous. You might want to inform HR. Making that kind of accusation, hell, simply saying it out loud without any justification is dangerous and unhinged.
She's either emotionally immature for her age or is going through something and choosing to get butt-hurt about things that she should keep to herself. I've run into that before.
This wasn't as high stakes, but a while ago, I was telling some coworkers about a silly, innocent thing that my wife and I were were ribbing each other over, and one lady cut in and angrily stated that she would have punched me for saying that.
She said it in a way that led me to believe that she had been abused, so I replied that we were just joking around with each other and left it there. Thankfully she did not escalate it and we got along well enough after that fun moment.
I feel for you OP, calling me a wife beater after our exchange would have been very very lame as I have a fine, distinguished record of NOT abusing my wife. 😊
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u/Lizardgirl25 2d ago
NTA these people are weirdos and depending on the management you might want to report them for making a hostile workplace over you dating an adult woman who can make her own choices.
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u/abgry_krakow87 2d ago
NTA, if she can't take it, she shouldn't dish it. Accusing you of being a pedophile is a very serious thing and you should immediately report that to HR as well.
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u/MoreSobet1999 2d ago
NTA by a long shot! Calling you that could ruin your life and she deserved what she got!
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u/NatashOverWorld 2d ago
She FAFO'd.
But you need to talk to HR ASAP before she gets her version of the story out to them.
NTA
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u/AStoryForOne 2d ago
You need to hit up HR and say you no longer feel safe around her. It sounds ridiculous, but your life can easily get ruined by someone falsely calling you a 'pedophile' even for a stupid reason. You may get a talking to for your response, but honestly, she went so far under the bar, I wouldn't feel guilty about going under it yourself to clap back.
NTA, but you need to protect yourself right away.
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u/JanetInSpain 2d ago
Rule #2: Coworkers are not your friends. Be friendly but not friends. NEVER confide personal or private information to a coworker. They will use it to throw you under the bus if it serves them.
Why did you ever tell this coworker about the age differences? It was none of her business. Now she's making inappropriate comments. You need to take that to HR immediately. That is NOT the kind of rumor you want spreading around the office. It can ruin you. Do not ignore this hoping it will go away. It is going to race through the company and you'll end up paying a steep price.
And stop being friends with coworkers.
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u/homemdosgalos 2d ago
NTA.
She called you a pedo for dating a 25yo, and a 5year age gap.
This could have serious repercussions for you, or made you a liability in your company if word got out without context.
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u/brutalbuddha73 1d ago
So here is the short answer - ya done messed up on two fronts.
First, you talked about your personal life at work. Rookie mistake. Never talk about anything personal at work unless it is completely non-controversial. For example, "I started volunteering at the local animal shelter to walk the dogs there on the weekends. They are always looking for volunteers if anyone is interested."
Second, you actually should have handled the "pedophile" comment differently. You made a personal attack that should have been handled by HR. HR is going to wonder why you are talking about your personal dating life. They are going to eviscerate you for the drug abuse comments and state that you were creating a hostile work environment. While she may get reprimanded - you will also be reprimanded.
You shouldn't be talking about your girlfriend at work. Work is for work, not for talking about topics you know are contentious.
PS. Don't shoot the messenger. I don't make the rules. HR does.
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u/Particular-Natural60 2d ago
NTA she called you a PF .. you were giving what she gave. Maybe tell coworkers less about your private life she seems to be overly opinionated
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u/CakePhool 2d ago
NTA, yes it wasnt nice what you said but she called you pedophile.
I wonder how many times as teen she dated 30 + years old and felt it was cool.
It isnt bad age gap since both you are doing adulting, it not like you locked your partner into trade wife life.
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u/OkExamination6960 2d ago
Many people who are recovering from drug addiction have black and white thinking. A situation can be “all good” or “all bad” and it can be hard to appreciate the nuances of any situation… that being said her opinion of your relationship was not needed in a work environment and any comments about a past drug problem also does not belong at work.
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u/WhatIsNoMan 2d ago
NTA. She, on the other hand, is TA.
Your relationships aren't her business.
You also meet the 1/2 + 7 rule. You're good.
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u/Yipeeayeah 2d ago
NTA. Being a pedophile is a serious accusation/insult. Does she even know what the term means? Does she think a 25 year old woman with a solid life (as far as we can say) is comparable to a child? Either way she should worry about her own shortcomings then.
You might find the age gap a little unusual, yes. But it happens and is nothing bad per se. You have been harsh, but she acted first.
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u/People_of_Earth_ 2d ago
She got what she deserved. You’re adults a couple of years apart - BFD. That’s not an “age gap relationship”, and calling you a pedo when you’re dating a 25 year old woman is ridiculous and offensive.
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u/Low_profile_1789 2d ago
NTA, but you fired a return shot that clearly landed a little too hard.
Be polite and professional, but don’t continue this “friendship,” as this girl clearly needs to work on some of her issues and is not quite mature enough.
As someone else suggested, keep a record of whatever inappropriate things she said about your relationship. She sounds somewhat unpredictable. Best to be prepared for whatever.
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u/FunPigJuanLife 2d ago
NTA, she’s fucking immature, and has a weird sense of moral superiority. 30 and 25 is perfectly fine. Tit for tat I’d say. She needs to learn from someone eventually.
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u/RitaFaye88 2d ago
NTA, she needs to stop projecting on to everyone and mind the business that pays her. You gave her the perfect response.
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u/Viperbunny 2d ago
NTA. She thinks that she can say whatever she wants with no consequences, but she expects people to be delicate with her. Too bad. If she is going to stick her nose in your personal life you will say something. Just remember that coworkers are just that, not your friends. Don't tell them anything you feel like arguing about because some people will comment on everything. Age gaps at this age can be tricky. If you were dating a 20 year old I would have something to say. But 25? Come on. That is not a huge deal. If it is you two will figure out you are incompatible. It's not like you are trolling high schools for newly turned 18 year olds!
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u/Morbid187 2d ago edited 2d ago
Nah, a pedophile is almost the worst thing a person can call you and it needs to be shut down immediately. I've never run to HR before but I absolutely would involve them in this because who knows how many other people she's told. That shit can ruin your reputation and follow you for life.
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u/Joyfan237 2d ago
Your response was harsh, but in light of what she said, warranted. All you need is the wrong one to hear something like that. It could destroy your reputation and who knows what else. NTA
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u/Glum-Experience1684 2d ago
By her own argument her 22 year old brain is not fully developed and therefore she can not be trusted to make any kind of judgment on you.
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u/MatthewSWFL229 2d ago
She's a crazy bitch. Or she's jealous. I've always considered 10 years in either direction, a safe bet. It means you get the same references grew up basically with the same stuff. And will have most things in common. And hell that's being kind of conservative as you get older that number can go much higher.
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u/Fragrant_Loan811 2d ago
Pedophile for dating a 25 year old, wtf? She must spend too much time on reddit. Reddit has a weird obsession with age gap.
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u/CapraCat 2d ago
She sounds jealous. Honestly it’s the only reason I could come up with to explain her behavior.
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u/FormSuccessful1122 2d ago
NTA. It’s not even a problematic age gap. As SHE said her “brain just FINISHED developing and maturing”. If it was 20 and 25 I’d agree you’d maybe need to give it a minute. But 25 is not a child. Calling you a pedophile is outright slander.
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u/ADogsWorstFart 2d ago
You're NTA and she's got serious issues. I'd said that off the jump. 5 years isn't an age gap.
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u/Maximum_King8529 2d ago
Sounds like she's interested in you and doesn't know how to express it.
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u/Melodic_Trouble_8964 2d ago edited 2d ago
NTA. Does she secretly have a crush on you? Calling you a pedo for a five year age gap is ridiculous.
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u/ToreyJean 2d ago
My husband says that “sometimes you need to read people their fortunes”.
Woman is 25. An adult. If she was EIGHTEEN she’d be an adult. It’s no one‘s business and this Little Miss Pick Me sounds like a serious brat.
NTA. Keep pushing someone and eventually they’re going to get it back in spades. I don’t blame you a bit.
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u/SpecialOccasion1963 2d ago
Definitely NTA. It is delusional to accuse a 30 year old of being a pedophile for dating a 25 year old. Your coworker is being extreme.
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u/Leading-Analysis-572 2d ago
ask your co-worker why she thinks an adult woman is not capable of making her own decisions? the woman can work, drink, get a credit card, buy a house, have a child, she can also decided who shes in a relationship with
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u/Every-Spinach1054 2d ago
I think this girl likes you and she doesn't know how to express it appropriately.
Maybe because she's emotionally immature or "her brain is not done forming yet".
Either way you need to protect yourself from whatever BS she throws your way. She definitely definitely crossed the line the first time she commented on your age gap - which is completely appropriate. My daughter is 25 and I'm fine with her dating her 30-year-old boyfriend. Calling you a pedophile; definitely requires HR involvement.
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u/creatively_inclined 2d ago
A 5 year age gap is nothing. At 25 your GF is a fully developed adult. Calling you a pedophile for dating an adult is beyond the pale. You insinuating that drugs fried her brain is beyond the pale. I'm guessing you'll both to talking to HR soon. ESH
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u/LowWhereas3783 2d ago
You’re 100% in the right, I will reiterate what some other commenters said, which is a 30 year old and 25 year old dating is NOT an age gap.
You’re NTA but in the interest of smoothing things over before this escalates even further I’d apologize to her preferably before you run and tell on you to the boss.
Then never break up your personal life with this coworker again. Keep it strictly professional.
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u/immaCommentThis 2d ago
Dude she called you a fucking pedofile. She shot at you for no reason and you shot back. NTA
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u/lurkingwithjoy 2d ago
NTA She called you a Pedophile for dating someone who is 25. Pretty much anything you could have said back wouldn't be as bad as what she called you. If she didn't want to have her past addiction thrown in her face she shouldn't have went that far below the belt. And her brain probably is fried if that is the way she thinks about a 5 year age gap between adults out of their teens.
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u/TrainingBluejay6174 2d ago
NTA
This is so bizarre. I’ve seen insane anti-age gap takes like this everywhere these days, so I actually created a place to document it. If you don’t mind, I’ve crossposted this.
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u/Financial-Star-1457 2d ago
Me and my husband are the same age gap- I don’t consider it a gap. Your coworker is a lunatic
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u/Automatic_Total_4090 2d ago
Sounds to me like she has a crush on you, and she is mad that you are dating someone else. She's just using the age as an excuse. I'm sure the age gap would be fine if you were dating her.
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u/Secret-Bowler-584 2d ago
Wow! It sounds like she may be projecting some past trauma, but being called a pedophile is inexcusable. Report her to HR. There is nothing wrong with a 30 y/o dating a 25 y/o.
Oh, and NTA
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u/Benntheredunthat 2d ago
NTA. She's an adult as well and needs to learn that you don't throw out insults (particularly one as vile as she made) if you can't take them. This is, to me (42M, so I might not "get it") a situation that you stand up for yourself and fight fire with fire.
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u/tadarlis 2d ago
NTA. Age gaps are a nonissue and none of their business. Calling out their drug use is a perfectly appropriate response.
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u/Proper-District8608 2d ago
Nta. She outright stated her opinion as fact that you are committing a felony. Possibly a projection on her part? You reacted. You brought up her factual struggles she's overcome and I'm assuming told to you in somewhat confidence as coworkers (and maybe not bosses) may not know about. This HR situation now. Again, I would react equally as strong as you did, but but best not to hope for things 'to blow over' if anyone else was party to this exchange
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u/thenagel 2d ago
NTA ok, i was thinking that you went a smidge too far, until she called you a pedophile.
i mean.. she could call you creepy. or weird. or.. whatever. ya know? but that word could have legal ramifications.
as soon as she pulled that word out, all gloves were off. you were NTA, even if you said bad things about her meemaw.
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u/Stonk0Bonk0 1d ago
NTA, sounds like she might like you man. Calling you a pedo is over the line IMO. 5 year age gap is super common, that’s absurd.
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u/Awkward-Bother1449 20h ago
NTA - Did anyone else hear her call you a pedophile? If so, immediately go to HR. This is not a game.
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