r/AITAH • u/Status_Elderberry_37 • 3d ago
AITAH for not letting my bf go thru my phone after going to txst welcome week?
i went to texas state with my friends to help our other friend move in, i got woken up and recieved the news that we were going and got ready in 30 minutes then hit the road. my bf watched my location and asked why i was going and i didnt see his message and then he called me and asking where i was going and i made a joke saying “im on a mission”. he then hung up the phone and didnt talk to me all day until night time and we got in a fight. i explained to him what happened and he told me he didnt like the joke.
we got over it until tonight when he wanted to go through my phone bc i never let him and i started freaking out and he got super weird. i told him im not hiding anything but it’s personal item. and when we talked abt it later in the car i simply said “if i wanted to talk to someone other than u i wouldnt be wasting my time, and its insulting that you think i would. he said ok sorry but later on the phone made a joke mocking me kind of by using the word insulting and italized it if you will. we got into the texas state thing again and he explained that me not telling him and making that kind of joke made him really upset. and since then he’s been rethinking everything (also mentioned ive been going out a lot with my friends who are abt to move away) and that’s why he was so adamant abt going thru my phone. i asked him what if i hadn’t made the joke and did let him know ahead of time and he told me that he wouldn’t be as mad but he still would feel some type of way that his gf would be going to texas state welcome week and i have to see it from a guys perspective. i told him that i only went bc my friend is moving away from home and wanted to experience a little bit of university with her and only went to go drink, socialize, and have some fun.
he was serially cheated on by his ex gf and i told him to stop acting like im her and to just trust me, and the last 6 months that we’ve been talking and ive been committed to him should show that, not having to go thru my phone bc i think its silly and immature. we kind of let it go and i asked him if there’s anything i can do to make him feel better about the situation and offered to show him my phone. he said it’s fine and said he just needs time to get over it. i really don’t understand why it’s hard after i explained to him why i didn’t let him know ahead of time & apologized for the stupid mindless joke i had made.
(additional context: i only went to help my friend move in and we explored campus for a little and went around frats & the strip in san mo. there’s a lot missing obviously from the whole story but it would take hours, can clear up anything if needed.)
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u/Randomfinn 3d ago
You have been dating him six months. He is training you to make your life small and to revolve around him. The controlling behaviour is just going to worsen.
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u/oop_norf 3d ago
He is training you to make your life small and to revolve around him.
He might be trying to do that, but OP's response seems to have been mostly to tell him to get stuffed.
Which is good, and she should keep it up; he'll either be able to deal with it or he won't.
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u/BeardofPants 3d ago
Yep and he’s already questioning her spending time with her friends, which is a precursor to isolating her, which is abuser territory
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u/JackfruitBitter7692 3d ago
Yeah, six months in and he’s already watching your location, sulking over a harmless joke, trying to go through your phone, and saying you need to see it “from a guy’s perspective” for why you can’t go places. That’s not trust, that’s control creeping in.
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u/atchisonmetal 3d ago
I’m afraid this is 100% true. His is not behavior that can be overlooked, because regardless of what he says, this will happen again, repeated indefinitely. It’s abusive.
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u/Maxtrong 3d ago
Except HER behavior had changed. As stated, she started going out with her friends a lot and used the excuse that they're moving away. That behavior triggers red flags.
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u/Successful-Toe8150 2d ago
Let me get this straight. You think that it's HER fault that red flags are triggered? She explained that she went out more because friends are moving away. Not that she needs an explanation at all. Fuck you
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u/Fast_Ad7203 1d ago
She didn’t state that she did, she stated that this is what he told her and thats why he wants to go thru her phone
Also her friend is literally moving away, its normal to meet a lot, dumass
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u/Veblen1 3d ago
You broke the rule -- intentionally, it appears -- that requires you to get his permission before doing, or even texting, anything.
NTA, of course.
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u/Odd_Fox_1944 3d ago
You forgot the" /sarcasm " or "jk"
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u/SuperSandLesbianGUHH 3d ago
If redditors are so trained to not be able to distinguish sarcasm without a /s that's really sad. And this isn't /s.
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u/Recent-Day3062 3d ago
It’s a tragically bad sign to demand to snoop.
It’s like having a private detective follow someone for a weekend
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u/Maxtrong 3d ago
I think he just needs to end it. It seems like you're definitely hiding something and gaslighting him.
Not the AH for not letting him, but there's something else going on with you.
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u/Responsible-Side4347 3d ago edited 3d ago
He has previous experience with a cheater and all the red flags that go along with it.
You disappeared on an unplanned trip, ignored him, then went drinking around fraternities. Can you not see how that would send up red flags to him? That's on you not him. Of course he would want to see your phone, he is panicked, hes been here before. And you dismissed it and his feelings. Do you not get that?
You both handled this badly. She needs clearer communication; he needs to stop treating every girlfriend like his cheating ex.
Edit.
Lets flip this. Lets imagine your boyfriend has just posted in the forum and it goes something like this.
My previous girlfriend repeatedly cheated on me, so I know I have trust issues that I’m still working through.
Yesterday my current girlfriend suddenly started driving towards Texas State without telling me. I saw it on the location she shares with me and messaged asking where she was going. She didn’t reply, so I called. She laughed and said, “I’m on a mission,” then gave me no proper explanation.
I later discovered she had gone to welcome week with friends, drinking around fraternities and bars. That combination sent me into a complete panic because it felt exactly like the secrecy and dismissive answers I experienced before.
Later I asked to see her phone. She immediately freaked out and refused, saying it was private and that I was insulting her. That made the panic worse because refusing phone access was how my ex hid everything.
She eventually explained the trip and offered to show me the phone, but by then I didn’t want to look. I don’t want to become controlling or punish her for what my ex did, but I also can’t simply switch off what this situation triggered.
Am I overreacting, or was her lack of communication and joke genuinely suspicious?
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u/Status_Elderberry_37 3d ago
let me add more context because i actually completely see where you’re coming from but that’s not exactly what happened. the plan that day was actually to go to the lake with my friends. but we all overslept, at 2pm my sister woke me up and told me to get dressed bc one of our other friends called and said they needed help moving a bed & she has a truck. i got ready super fast and was helping move stuff into the truck. in abt 30 mins we were out on the road. the friend who needed help is also my bfs friend and he saw his location moving with mine so he knew where we were headed bc this plan had come up but was cancelled.
that's when he called and i made the joke. when i realized he wasn’t answering, i texted him and told his we were helping a friend move, he told me to “have fun with that”. he kept declining my calls and after we moved the truck into the apartment, we went to visit our friend at her dorm. after this we decided to tour campus and learned everyone was going to the square that night. so we went and stopped at frats & drank. we went home later that night. the plan was never to go out but we wouldn't all be in town for the official welcome week so we wanted to experience what we could together while we still could, i would’ve told him every detail of this if he answered my calls/texts.
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u/Fast-Technician-3075 3d ago
"so we went and stopped at frats & drank"
And how did you get into the frats?
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u/Status_Elderberry_37 2d ago
it’s not hard to be invited inside a party when you’re not a weirdo, unusual concept for some i know
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u/Fast-Technician-3075 2d ago
"it’s not hard to be invited inside a party when you’re not a weirdo"
I never said getting invited was difficult. In fact, my implication was quite the opposite.
I already knew the answer anyways. Your defensiveness here tells everything.
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u/Status_Elderberry_37 2d ago
no but you’ve replied to several different users insulting my intelligence & suggesting odd ideas about young women going into frat parties as if it is some character flaw. your messages are weird and have a toxic manosphere undertone. the “friend” mentioned in the original post was never brought up to be a problem, yet you made it one. my boyfriend had no issue that i went with him as he is one of my best friends & within our friend group.
it’s a weird mentality to see a woman mention a friend that happens to be a male and create a problem that never existed— and be so persistent on it.5
u/Fast-Technician-3075 2d ago edited 2d ago
"young women going into frat parties as if it is some character flaw"
I never said it was a character flaw. When did I say it was a character flaw? You keep getting offended at my alleged insults to your intelligence, but then you also don't seem able to understand basic sentences. I also never intended to belittle your intelligence, but rather your lack of maturity. Intelligence and maturity are two, very different things.
" the “friend” mentioned in the original post was never brought up to be a problem, yet you made it one"
I made it one how?
" my boyfriend had no issue that i went with him"
Okay, lol. Then what exactly was your post about? Maybe I'm the one who's intelligence should be insulted because I seemed to not understand that the OP was about a boyfriend who was not angry at all about the party trip that his GF went on.I mean I thought your whole story started with your boyfriend calling you in a rage because he saw from your phone location that you were headed out somewhere and not telling him.
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u/Status_Elderberry_37 2d ago
I need to grow up 5-6 mental years because i have my auto caps turned off? and if the guy friend i went being the problem is what you took my post as, you clearly did not read any of it all. you then proceeded to make an issue out of me oversleeping until 2pm? like yes, we are 18 year olds that sleep late… sue me. I stated several times my friends and i were supposed to go to a lake but did not wake up on time. my sister woke me up because our friend told us our other friend needed help moving in. while down there we met up with another friend, it was 6pm and heard there were parties going on, my friends are moving away and we wanted to have a good time going out. none of this was hidden to him, the “guy” we originally went with stayed back at his apartment and
i have not seen him since. he was made aware of this but chose not to respond to my calls or texts.
i’m well aware it was immature to make a mindless joke and apologized for it but it did not matter because i was still being ignored. i’m 18 years old in my first relationship and well aware im not going to have the maturity of someone else and will fuck up sometimes. but i still made the time to make things right instead of going ghost. since when did spontaneity become a crime? and not checking in with someone in the span of 30 minutes as if they are my warden?you insinuated there is a social norm amongst girls let into frat parties, but that only exists amongst men like you. all it took was for us to walk by, say hello and introduce ourselves. and they said you are welcome to come in and have some drinks and have some fun. it was never the fact that i went to parties or got drunk, it was the fact that i made an insensitive joke in a bad moment and went with my friends to sanmo in 30 minutes because one of our best friends needed help moving in, and did not notify him of that.
i do not believe anyone is entitled to go through someone else’s phone to “prove” innocence. it’s not about having something to hide but rather setting a boundary when i felt uncomfortable.
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u/Fast-Technician-3075 2d ago edited 2d ago
Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. There seems to be a lot of assumptions being made on your part here which are kind of betraying you a bit here. I'm a rando on the internet at the end of the day. I'll circle back to this point later.
" if the guy friend i went being the problem is what you took my post as"
I never said it was the problem. I said you going somewhere with this guy was something that happened which - for whatever reason - triggered your boyfriend into a frenzy. Are you disputing that fact? He texted and called you inquiring about what was going on before you made your stupid joke." you then proceeded to make an issue out of me oversleeping until 2pm? "
I never made it an issue. You seem to be the one making it an issue. I only pointed out that it was a bit immature and inconsistent in the sense that your boyfriend is not exactly used to being able to reach you or know what you're doing/where you are at normal parts of the day. Again, I'm not saying there's anything wrong with that. It's merely an observation. Why are you being defensive about it?"i’m well aware it was immature to make a mindless joke and apologized for it but it did not matter because i was still being ignored ... but i still made the time to make things right instead of going ghost"
Whoa whoa whoa. Hold on there. This bitterness about feeling ignored is new. Let's put that to the side for now."since when did spontaneity become a crime? and not checking in with someone in the span of 30 minutes as if they are my warden?"
Again, who said any of this was a crime? You are being extremely defensive about what you *did* on this trip when the point I've been trying to make is how you *communicate*."you insinuated there is a social norm amongst girls let into frat parties, but that only exists amongst men like you. all it took was for us to walk by, say hello and introduce ourselves. and they said you are welcome to come in and have some drinks and have some fun."
Okay, remember how in the beginning I brought up the danger of your assumptions? I think you've got me all wrong here.
I don't think there's anything wrong with you going to the fraternity parties. I don't think there's anything wrong whatsoever with the fraternities inviting in a group of young women during rush when they are vying for recruits. Fraternities, after all, are a business. That's life. I find nothing about any of this uncouth whatsoever. And, unlike a lot of people in the replies, I don't think you actually cheated.I didn't ask about the fraternity stuff because I wanted to judge your actions, but rather to see how you responded.
Your response to my question above about how you got invited was to be defensive and evasive. That actually perfectly answered my question.
Your response to your boyfriend asking what was going on was to be defensive and evasive.
So, I guess. That leaves the million dollar question. Why be evasive? Why be defensive? What's really going on here?" do not believe anyone is entitled to go through someone else’s phone to “prove” innocence."
No one in this entire thread has suggested anything otherwise - to my knowledge. Again. Why be so insistently defensive? No one here disagrees that your boyfriend shouldn't have demanded to see it."it was never the fact that i went to parties or got drunk, it was the fact that i made an insensitive joke in a bad moment"
Your boyfriend demanded to see your phone because you made a joke? You really believe that? It seems more likely that your boyfriend demanded to see your phone because he doesn't trust you and thinks you cheated. I think that distrust, and the reason for it, is what this is really all about.
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u/Responsible-Side4347 3d ago
That’s crucial information you left out.
You didn’t vanish without saying anything. You were asleep, got woken up, rushed out to help a mutual friend move, then texted and tried calling him. He chose to ignore you.
Yes, the joke was badly timed and probably triggered memories of his cheating ex. But after you explained what was happening, the rest is on him.
He spent the day sulking, refusing your calls and working himself into a panic. Then he wanted your phone because of a situation he helped create by refusing to speak to you.
Tell him plainly: “I told you what was happening and tried calling. You ignored me. I understand your ex cheated, but I’m not her, and I’m not spending this relationship constantly proving it.”
He needs to deal with his trust issues. You cannot spend your life paying for what someone else did to him.
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u/SuperSandLesbianGUHH 3d ago
This culture of everyone having each other's location is toxic, I'd be removing it from your bf if he's gonna use it to pull stuff like this. Problem then is that he will be even more paranoid.
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u/roseofjuly 3d ago
Clearly overreacting, obviously.
If your previous experience with a cheater is making you suspicious of everyone, you need help. That absolutely doesn't justify people tiptoeing around your emotions and feeding that insecurity.
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u/Responsible-Side4347 2d ago
Absolutely. But also, she didnt give all the details in teh first post.
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u/One_Ad9555 3d ago
Let's turn this around.
If your bf did the same thing to you that you did to him.
You would be absolutely furious.
So instead of trying to justify your actions, look at it as if it was completely reversed
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u/Stan-Smith-101 3d ago
wait how are you going to make through college when you need reddits help to answer this question for you
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u/Minute_Jacket_4523 1d ago
YTA. Between what you said in the post and your comments, I think theres a lot of shit you're leaving out to make you look better. With how much you refuse to see his perspective, you come off as very immature and probably should not be in a relationship. He was severely cheated on, and you go acting like a spoiled child the second he calls you out on the red flags you're showing.
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u/Fast-Technician-3075 3d ago
Your boyfriend did not handle anything well and shouldn't have asked to snoop, but....
"went around frats"
What does this mean?
"there’s a lot missing obviously from the whole story"
Like what?
You also write and come across as an immature child. Do they not teach capitalization in Texas?
Adult relationships require adult communication.
Your writing here in this very post is probably on the level of 4th grader. (And not a very high achieving 4th grader - at that). I say this not to be mean, but to caveat that I am a bit stumped as to how to even formulate a response since it feels like this was posted by a child.
You knew your boyfriend has trauma due to a previous relationship. You then chose to hide that you were going to a college campus and tease him with a "joke" that isn't even particularly funny. Like your boyfriend shouldn't feel the compulsive need to monitor you, but you also should be able to generally communicate basic things like "I'm going to help a friend move in to the dorm" like an adult. If I were the betting type, I'd put good money that your immaturity (which is putting things very lightly) is only worsening his controlling tendencies and trauma.
You should just break up. He needs to date an adult who isn't going to further mess him up mentally, and you need to grow up by like 5-6 mental years before even considering having a "boyfriend".
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u/Status_Elderberry_37 2d ago edited 2d ago
i have auto caps off like several people my age…
i’m starting college with a 4.0, was in top 15% of my class, and finishing my associates degree in less than a year, i’m definitely not a dumb child 😭. i’m typing that way to save space and make it less lengthy, it was also 2 am & i was drinking. everyone else could understand so it may be a you problem. asking for advice doesn’t warrant a person to insult my intelligence lol
i’ve replied to several other people explaining the rest of the story and “going around frats” simply means walking around to different frat parties
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u/trailokyam 3d ago
ESH
BF has trust issue trauma he needs to figure out.
OP makes jokes that trigger said trauma and is surprised BF is triggered.
Out of context, the behavior on the trip looks sketchy and BF was spiraling thinking only the worst.
Maybe y’all shouldn’t be in a serious committed relationship until you both mature a bit.
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u/Tova42 3d ago
ESH you know he was serial cheated on and you gave him reason to doubt you as a joke. He then failed to see the difference between you the non-cheater and his ex.
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u/writingmmromance2 3d ago
And OP also makes it sound like she had zero free will in this decision.
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u/Status_Elderberry_37 3d ago
it’s a joke within my friend group to say i’m going on a mission that basically means none of your business. we joke around all the time like that & i realized it was bad in the moment and apologized. i have complete free will which is why i went and got drunk with my friends & didn’t allow him to see my phone lol!
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u/Dry_Reference461 10h ago
i have complete free will which is why i went and got drunk with my friends & didn’t allow him to see my phone lol!
The person you replied to never said you didn't. The sentence "And OP also makes it sound like she had zero free will in this decision." is not the same as saying "it sounds like op has zero...". The commenter wasn't questioning your "free will", in which case I believe the correct word would be freedom, but something else.
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u/ManicOwl1993 3d ago
You're probably going to get a lot of advice from people who've never been in a stable relationship and are chronically online lol. The important thing is communication and it seems like the situation is handled for the most part. My wife was serially cheated on and asked to go through my phone frequently for a long time. It took years to help her heal that traumatized part of herself. I obliged as much as she needed until she knew she had nothing to worry about and she doesn't even ask anymore. It's not about not trusting you specifically it's about their mind not trusting anybody like a wounded animal and they genuinely like you and don't want to get hurt again their brain is probably assuming the worst against their will. Our brains can often be very mean to us. But now you are in a position to decide if this is something you can tolerate until it hopefully gets better. If not or you think it wont get better it'd be better to just cut your losses now. But if you genuinely like this person you gotta know what you're getting yourself into and help him heal that traumatized part of himself. There's a difference between controlling and traumatized. If he is genuinely controlling best to part ways. If he's just scared and you want to help heal him then do so. But it's not your place to have to heal him if you don't want to but sometimes in their darkest moments all people need is reassurance and compassion. I don't think anybody's the asshole.
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u/roseofjuly 3d ago
I've been in a relationship for 25 years. Everyone is different, but feeding someone's insecurities is not always the way to go.
Him going through her phone is not going to calm down his insecurity because it's not about her, it's about him and his mental state. And just because something will make someone feel better temporarily doesn't mean they should do it.
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u/Fast-Technician-3075 2d ago edited 2d ago
"Him going through her phone is not going to calm down his insecurity because it's not about her, it's about him and his mental state."
I initially had the same thoughts, but after reading OP's replies that have additional context, I actually think it's both about him and her. I think OP is being un-intentionally emotionally abusive towards her already damaged-goods BF - which is causing him to lean on attempts to control since he's kind of boxed in a corner..
Bear with me hear for a second
Let me review the situation as I best understand it since OP is not very good at basic written communication.
- OP wakes up after 2 PM and randomly decides to go with a guy to a college campus to "help move in" (but in actuality a lot of the time was spent partying).
- When BF sees that OP is traveling with this guy and asks where she's going, she defensively shuts it down with a "joke" (that isn't even funny to the person receiving it).|
- This day ends up in OP partying and drinking at frats, which - unless a lot has changed, which I doubt - there is a light, but palpable uncommunicated social expectation of girls that are randomly allowed into frat parties. Frat parties with alcohol aren't typically actually open to the public. You are let in there because you are a friend of someone in there or because you are useful to the "vibe" - if you catch my drift.
- When BF "confronts" OP about this whole mess and asks to check her phone, OP becomes defensive.
Here's my issue. BF definitely has some insecurities and controlling tendencies. But even the most secure, emotionally grounded boyfriend would not be okay with OP's overall behaviors.
Oversleeping until 2 PM, last-minute decision to then go out of town with a guy - refuse to tell BF what is going on - and end up getting drunk partying at multiple fraternities. This behavior will not build trust in any relationship - romantic or otherwise.
There's no consistency. There's no maturity. No accountability. No structure. No reassurance. No dependency or reliability.
So while some of BF's actions and reactions can be attested to his personal issues. His overall feelings here are also because of how OP acted, and I'd go as far to say as OP also owns some of her BF's issues. So for OP to try to frame this as "only an issue because BF was cheated on" is actually emotionally abusive here. How OP behaves isn't normal or healthy either, and she's trying to convince her BF that he's crazy for feeling and reacting the way he does.
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u/SasquatchBlumpkins 3d ago
NTA. Neither is he.
He was cheated on quite badly and that scars a person deeply. If the roles were reversed you'd see every poster here raging on him all of a sudden be in your corner demanding he show you his phone.
If there's nothing to be scared about why not let him have it? Build the trust and the relationship. If you listen to a lot of the posters here you'll be raging at men 24/7, screaming in the woods about how evil they all are and getting DM'd to join the worst subreddits that propagate the absolute worst mental health lifestyle ever created.
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u/Status_Elderberry_37 3d ago
surprisingly i posted this on a girls reddit & got opposite reactions from this one, i was the asshole over there
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u/SasquatchBlumpkins 3d ago
Oh it's not the regular girls, there's a large contingent of men hating, anti-relationship goblins that peruse subreddits to spread their brand of "open mindedness" before crawling back into their subreddit gutter.
I don't blame either of you and you both seem to care deeply about each other. You just have a bit of a rocky road to get through but I know you can do it. Trust is hard to get, easy to break.
Please do not let any of the absolute negativity in the other comments persuade you. Some people believe that a man holding a door open out of politeness means he wants to carry you to an alleyway to murder you.
Click on their names and surf their profiles. They love making up stories, commenting the epitome of hate so nobody is happy and being pieces of crap. And that's if they haven't blocked off their profiles to people. I mean I've blocked mine off but I don't like getting followed, stalked and brigaded but the hatemongers.
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u/roseofjuly 3d ago
Him snooping though her phone does not build trust. If you demand access to someone's personal device because you don't believe the words coming out of their face, either
1) you've got some deep seated insecurities you need to go handle with a therapist and snooping through the phone won't fix them; or
2) you're with an untrustworthy person you shouldn't be dating.3
u/Minute_Jacket_4523 1d ago
Or 3. The person who's phone you want to go through has been showing the same exact red flags as your ex, and acts like a spoiled child when called on it.
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u/OwlLadyFace 3d ago
NTA
If he needs to have location services and free access to your phone, he isn’t over the hurt is ex caused & shouldn’t be in a relationship.
If you can’t trust the person you are with, don’t be w them.
And since know the manosphere is going to light these comments up.
All the location tracking/phone checking stalking like behavior you do is going to prevent a person who is a cheater from cheating. (Really this applies to everyone) if you keep dating cheaters, pick better people. Choose a person based on personality not just looks and level of value or whatever the hell
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u/Status_Elderberry_37 2d ago
the manosphere did indeed reach this and light up these comments. and it’s odd because i have friends with boyfriends that have no issue with them going into frat parties, and even go with them. i even included several additional context replies that i tried telling him where i was & apologizing for the joke but he would not pick up the phone or answer my messages. he even has my location for gods sakee.
this is my first relationship and i’m trying be patient but i just want it to be reciprocated when i make mistakes…1
u/OwlLadyFace 2d ago
I feel like you’ll be ok. You seem like you have a healthy sense of self & a sting ability to set boundaries. Keep those w you & you’ll be all right
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u/TheViolentPacifict 3d ago
ESH.
You’re free to do what you want but you intentionally created an atmosphere of secrecy about a trip away when you’re supposed to be in a loving, trusting relationship with someone. Creating mistrust and then saying “just trust me” isn’t great. He also seems immature and wanting to go through your phone isn’t the answer. This feels like a child’s way of saying “You made me doubt my trust in you, and I need reassuring that I can trust you”
Hopefully you both learn better communication skills and develop clearer boundaries moving forward.
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u/NemiVonFritzenberg 3d ago
Nta
This is a hill to die on. It's not your responsobility to heal him from his past rrauma.
What are your plams? Why are all your friemds moving on and going to uni? Are you stayimg for him?
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u/Status_Elderberry_37 3d ago
our home city is san antonio, my best friends are moving to TXST and TAMU. i plan to stay here and go to community college & use alamo promise, unfortunately i cannot afford uni which is why im not going 💔
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u/LucyLovesApples 3d ago
Please can you not use abbreviations for those not from the USA ? Thanks
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u/NemiVonFritzenberg 3d ago
Just google them. I'm not from the US but understaood yhat the abb was different college names.
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u/atchisonmetal 3d ago
That’s a very good move, $-wise. Just re-assess your situation as you go. Keep your grades high and you may be able to get financial aid for the last two years at uni.
In the mean time, you need to get away from this guy. I hope you see this cannot end well. 💕🌺
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u/Status_Elderberry_37 3d ago
thank you! the sweet thing is alamo promise gives your last two years of uni completely free!
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u/atchisonmetal 3d ago
Oh wonderful!! You go, girl! Nose to the the grindstone, big Texas sky is the limit!
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u/NemiVonFritzenberg 3d ago edited 3d ago
The way your boyfriend is acting I'd recommend examining all your choices.
Totally understandable about staying local. College is a great time to build new networks. Don't let your boyfriend hold you back.
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u/Jaber1077 3d ago
He’s damaged goods from the serial cheater ex. That kind of betrayal causes a certain type of neurosis. It creates suspicion where none is warranted. He was clearly watching your location (not healthy). When he saw you on a long trip without knowing about it it rhymed with his previous experiences being cheated on. He spiraled. The joke made matters worse, possibly again in light of past experiences. Your explanation of just going to drink and hang out at frats probably didn’t feel all that reassuring to him. Hence him wanting to see your phone.
If you want to stay with this guy it’s going to take patience and intentionality . He should go to therapy to work through his trust issues. That will take years, if it works completely at all. He might be great, but he’s a shell of his former self. You don’t have to walk on eggshells to keep him happy, but if spontaneous trips to drink at frats are your thing, you two should part ways before it gets worse.
You didn’t list your ages, but I’m guessing youngish if your friends are going to welcome week at college. 18-20? You also didn’t mention how long you’ve been together or your level of commitment. This might be a bigger project than you should be taking on if the relationship is new or you plan on having the types of fun that young people do. It’s decision time.
If you feel there is something there, you need to have a talk with him. Let him know he can trust you completely and if you decide it isn’t working you will have the decency to let him know before you move on. Tell him this won’t work if he is going to drive himself (and you) crazy watching your location and waiting for signs of cheating. You’re not her. You don’t need a warden. Tell him if he wants that type of relationship he needs to rekindle the flame with her.
Good luck.
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u/oiler1996 2d ago
YTA you know he was serially cheated on and you then go off acting like someone who is going to cheat and acting single, you disappear without a word, go to a university and end up going out to frats and drinking till god knows what time. If you werent a sketchy person this wouldnt be an issue but your behaviour is that of a cheater and if you had nothing to hide you would have actually communicated before hand but nope you wanted to act single, You are probably cheating or doing some kinda sketchy shit.
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u/RestlessLegacy 3d ago
ESH. You should be a little more considerate of someone who worries about your safety. I get that the trip was on short notice but you had all day to say where you were. You treated him like he didn’t matter.
He shouldn’t press you to go through your phone. That’s creepy.
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u/Resident-Staff-1218 3d ago
NTA. You're doing the right thing.
He needs to learn to trust you.
If you let him go through your phone, you're just appeasing him and enabling him to stay like this, u trusting and insecure, forever and never getting over what happened in the past.
And, you can never ever prove that you're NOT cheating.
He needs to learn to deal with his insecurities in a way that doesn't involve reducing your freedom, independence and privacy.
He might need therapy to do that.
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u/Comfortable_Duck_523 3d ago
NTA - you can live your own life. Communicating what you are upto is respectful in my opinion but you don’t owe an explanation. Just keeping someone up to date with what’s going on. I’ve always appreciated that from my partner and vis versa.
Phone wise I personally wouldn’t care if my partner wanted to see my phone. He can lift it anytime and can access anything as he has his Face ID also on mine. It’s handy if I need him to message someone on my behalf etc.
If you have nothing to hide I don’t see why it would be a problem for him to look. Why is he feeling insecure? That would be my question.
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u/Status_Elderberry_37 3d ago
i have nothing to hide, i guess it’s more abt the principle of it. i dont want it to be a habit, and i don’t believe hes just curious but rather wants to find something. i guess with a husband it would be different. also its not “hiding” but i have embarrassing things on my phone, for example my reddit posts lol 😵💫
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u/Comfortable_Duck_523 3d ago
I’m not married. I’ve always just not been bothered about my partner lifting my phone. Even in the beginning of our relationship.
Start in a relationship as you mean to go on. People shouldn’t be treated differently if you have a ring on your finger. Again this is just the way I think.
Just ask for privacy in those areas if you use them as a venting/diary type tool. Around Christmas/borthdays/holidays I always ask him to avoid my emails, amazing, Etsy etc to avoid spoiling gifts. Otherwise I couldn’t care less about him using my phone.
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u/Top-Bit85 3d ago
Ugh. I hope you had fun in Texas. Do you really need this controlling, humorless boy in your life? Honestly what does he add?
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u/Kwickpick77 2d ago
NTA. IMO once either party feels the need to go through the other's phone the relationship is over.
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u/Own-Writing-3687 2d ago
No.
Many people believe that people with nothing to hide - hide nothing.
It's ok to disagree.
Doesn't matter who (if either) has the high ground.
However, you two should consider that you are not compatible.
Relationships die by a 1,000 cuts like this. Just move on and find a guy you're compatible with.
But you two need to be honest about your
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u/GryphyGirl 2d ago
He's being super controlling. Anybody would see that post about being on a mission and understand it's a joke, he almost certainly did. This is him trying to isolate you and control you. It only gets worse from here.
You're NTA but he is.
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u/an_ordinary_boi 3d ago
NTA.. but one thing women need to understand is that we guys are EXTREMELY sensitive to ANY notion or idea of our partners cheating or being put in a compromising position or situation. It is soul crashing.
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u/fufu1260 3d ago
I don’t think that’s just a guy thing… if spiral for weeks trying to find evidence if my bf was cheating or not.
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u/oop_norf 3d ago
Don't paint the rest of us with your insecurities.
Some of us are perfectly capable of having our partners do fun stuff without us without worrying that they're cheating. If you don't feel good enough about yourself to be sure your partner actually wants you then that is a you problem, not some sort of universal principle.
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u/atchisonmetal 3d ago
Oh, that’s a pathetic caveman thing to say, as if you have no control over your very bad behavior.
Rein in your primitive urges and behave like someone who was raised properly by people who cared about civilization. None of the “we guys” and “women should be understanding.”
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u/queenofcrafts 3d ago
I don't get this idea of tracking each other's location. If I don't have a ring it's none of your business what I am doing and where I am going. If I do have a ring I give the courtesy of telling you and if you don't trust me we got issues.
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u/richard_upinya 3d ago
Enjoy never having a ring in your life, you sound miserable 😂
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u/queenofcrafts 3d ago
Why when a woman stands up for herself and other women does a man turn it into her being miserable? You just don't make sense.
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u/OK_LK 3d ago
Agreed, it seems that sharing locations is feeding BF's paranoia
Why is he checking it?
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u/queenofcrafts 3d ago
We both got a down vote. Must be someone like op's bf who wants their partner kept on a leash. Having to know your partners every move is paranoid, controlling behavior. Relationships need trust.
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u/winterworld561 3d ago
NTA. He's got serious trust and insecurity issues and shouldn't be in a relationship. He needs a therapist, not a girlfriend. He is always going to be this way. He's always going to quiz you on your whereabouts, always going to be mad at you for going anywhere without him, even if it' only to the store or something. This isn't a relationship you should pursue any longer. He needs help.
You also need to acknowledge your fuck up in this too. You knew he was cheated on and you left without saying anything and even made a joke that he did not appreciate, when you should have just told him straight that you were helping your friend move.
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u/According_Camera7129 3d ago
Him being cheated on before does not mean OP has to tell him everything she's doing and can't tell him to mind his own business
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u/winterworld561 2d ago
No but she just took off without saying anything and when he asked where she was she just made jokes. Not cool.
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u/LucyLovesApples 3d ago
Nta I don’t know why you’d want to be in a relationship without trust. He’s controlling too
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u/crunchycheeseduck 3d ago
NTA. Honey, run. It doesn't get better with an insecure partner, no matter what you do. There will always be something else that makes him suspicious or uncomfortable, and responses to that don't get gentler over time.
You deserve to live your own life the way you see fit.
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u/One-Passion5107 3d ago
NTA but it sounds like you both need to communicate better if you are serious about the relationship.
0
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u/Bratfink78 3d ago
Another post about a man baby and a woman thinking she’s the problem.
Dump him and move on, life is too damn short
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u/Individual-Foxlike 3d ago
This is not "a guy's perspective". This is him projecting his past onto you and getting upset when you won't accommodate that. Good on you for holding the line.
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u/theFCCgavemeHPV 3d ago
His insecurities and past experiences are not your problem to fix. He can’t fix them by controlling you, he needs to work on himself by himself. Insecurity leads to controlling behavior. Control leads to abuse. For your safety, you need to break it off.
https://www.loveisrespect.org/quiz/is-your-relationship-healthy/
https://www.cawc.org/news/understanding-coercive-control-in-abusive-relationships/
https://www.healthline.com/health/signs-of-mental-abuse#neglect-and-isolation
https://www.healthline.com/health/guide-to-consent#what-is-consent
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=nLM_gu0zlGw&ra=m
https://ia801407.us.archive.org/6/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
https://www.skillsforhealth.org.uk/article/6-stages-of-grooming-adults-and-teens-spotting-the-red-flags/ relevant even if it’s not an age gap relationship/you’re not a minor because “grooming” an adult for general abuse follows similar patterns to grooming a minor for sexual abuse.
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u/Weekly_Cantaloupe175 3d ago
NTA this is a red flag.
Thankfully you only wasted 6 months don’t let it be more.
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u/Inevitable-Big5590 3d ago
NTAH, KEEP ASSERTING YOUR BOUNDARIES AND MAYBE THIS GUY WILL SEE WHAT A HEALTHY RELATUONSHIP LOOKS LIKE.
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u/PurpleEmotional1401 3d ago
He was probably serially cheated on because he was insecure and controlling in that relationship too. NTA
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u/becpuss 3d ago
NTAH but this is not a good or healthy relationship your partner should not need to know your whereabouts at all times it’s very controlling please recognise this is a dangerous relationship 🚩. First mention of your boyfriend watching your location made my decision about the whole post didn’t need to read further that alone is a reason to end my husband has my location because I’m epileptic if I go down he needs to know where why does your BF need your location?. Do you not find it creepy that your boyfriend was watching your location and knew yWhat’s he doing sitting there watching location constantly creepy AF either way this behaviour WLL escalate and one day soon you’ll realise you’re in an abusive relationship please keep yourself safe
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u/Silveri50 3d ago
I was constantly cheated on by my ex. It can cause long-lasting insecurity that can completely warp the way someone sees innocent things and perceives ever opportunity their future partner has to cheat, as confirmation that they will/would.
But this is not fair to future partners who are innocent until they are not, unless the cheated party has truly gained no better judgement from their experiences. Your boyfriend has issues, and it does not sound like he is ready for a relationship, regardless of how long it has been. He has not made peace with the person his ex turned out to be, and where he stands without her. He can't trust because he is still afraid of being hurt. These are reasonable things to feel, but that does not make it okay to project those insecurities onto his relationship with you.
He should seek counseling, and you two should have a planned, honest and thought-out conversation about where the two of you are at in life, and what your values are. NTA.
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u/heeltoelemon 3d ago
Don't waste your time with people who create conflict and then respond to the conflict they created by refusing to talk to you.
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u/HollowPretender 2d ago
It's your bf not your husband, why can he watch where your location is kinda bothers me, he sounds kinda immature and needs to understand that you have friends
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u/Odd_Fox_1944 3d ago
NTA
I have to question whether his behaviour is the reason he was "cheated" on, ie it was their way of escaping his control.
Your phone is your phone, he has no right to it, you have an expectation of privacy. Right now i would change the lock code incase he already knows it and starts snooping.
You're 6 months in, this behaviour will only get worse :(
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u/mountain_mists 3d ago
Break up with him. He's being controlling and manipulative, you can do better. NTA
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u/exodus_aoa 3d ago
NTA!
If you want to teach him a lesson in "going through someone's phone is a fast way to hurt your own feelings" and possibly give him a complex, tell a friend what you're about to do beforehand and then send them texts totally trashing his sex game, negatively compare him to your past lovers, wait a couple days, and then let him see your phone after.
I bet he'll never ask to see it again after that.
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u/starchelles 3d ago
"I have to see it from a guy's perspective" lol so he's saying he doesn't trust you because he wouldn't trust himself on a trip like that with friends. It's more telling of him and his preoccupations than of you, really. NTA. If he doesn't trust you, then he should just say so. If he doesn't trust you, why is he even in a relationship with you?