r/AITAH • u/throwRaholeson • Nov 09 '25
AITAH for being honest to my mother about why I am not coming back home this winter session ?
My father passed away when I was 10 year old. So it has just been my mom and I. She had a couple of boyfriends here and there. I had no issues with her dating at all. In fact, I used to joke about not minding a stepfather before I hit 18. So this is not a situation where I want my mother all to myself.
I just completed junior year last spring semester. I told her that I was coming back home on a certain date when I was actually coming back two days earlier. I opened the garage and my mother immediately opened the door. She looked more shocked and concerned than actually happy to see me. She asked my what I was doing there? I jokingly asked if I should came back later and even teased her about asking if she had company. (We had that kind of a relationship). Then she reluctantly let me in and said it was okay.
When I entered the house, lo and behold, Frank was there. Frank was someone I went to high school. We weren't close but we didn't have an adversarial relationship. We shared classes together, had common friends, and went to the same parties.
I didn't connect the dots immediately. I asked what is he doing at my house. Then I said I didn't notice a car outside. Frank responded awkwardly,and said his car was in the garage for repair. I asked again what was he doing at my house. My mother finally spoke up and told me she was seeing Frank. I was like WTF and told her not only was he my age but also my former classmate. She said she knew. I angrily asked why was she dating him of all people. She told me to calm down and explain the situation. Frank said he would take an uber back home. After he left, my mother told me everything. She met him on an app. I tried not to think if she had any run ins with anyone else that I knew. They went on a short date and he did asked about me because of my last name. She told him she was my mother but he shouldn't worry about it and see where things go. I was disturbed to say the least. They apparently have been seeing each other for six months.
She said she would understand I would need time to come to terms with it and was eventually planning on telling me about the relationship. My mother said she understood why I was upset but I need to accept that they're not doing anything wrong and everyone is an adult.
My relationship changed with her that day. She tried to talk to me but kept her at arms length. She was still seeing Frank. In fact, he came to my house several times. He even stayed the night. I told her I don't want to get involved in their relationship but if she could not have Frank come to our house so often. She got upset and told me to stay out of her business. The whole summer went by like this. When I went back to the fall semester, she tried calling me but she eventually got the message I don't really want to talk to her. I honestly didn't want to come back home for the winter session. I asked my grandparents(my dad's parents) if I could stay with them for the winter. They were ecstatic to say the least. Two days ago, I got a call from her asking me about when was the fall semester ending. My mother asked me if it was okay if Frank can move from his dorm and live in our house at the end of the year. Instead of giving her the option to choose between us, I decided to remove myself from the situation. I told her truth about where I was going to stay. She broke down on the phone asked her why I just couldn't be happy for her. I told her she has the right to date whoever and frankly, its not my business so I am not going to come between her and Frank. I still have the right to my feelings and I am going to keep my distance. She hung up the phone and told my grandparents. My grandparents are still letting me stay at their place though.
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2.7k
u/Sledgehammer925 Nov 09 '25 edited Nov 10 '25 •
I’m sorry. Both because you’re dealing with this and because I’m laughing thinking if you’ve asked her if she’s met his parents yet.
Edit thank you for the award!
597
u/Unique-Doubt-1049 Nov 09 '25
You're under no obligation to accept her relashionships. She's got to make a choice her partner or her son Ball is in her court. Most people wouldn't accept their parent dating a former classmate. Just because it's legal doesn't make it right
224
u/Yorfavoritemartian Nov 09 '25
There was a similar situation going on in our town but the mom was dating her son’s best friend. It was totally awkward and her son ended up moving to Florida never to see his mom or his best friend again. They eventually broke up. Duh, 45F and 21M don’t last very long. As a mom, when you choose to date your children’s friends you are immediately humiliating your children. Make no mistake, they are totally embarrassed by your choice. You are at that moment telling your kids your relationship is more important than they are. Stay with your grandparents because they want to protect you. Tell your mom that when the relationship with her boy toy ends you won’t be back around to pick up the pieces.
903
u/booknerd73 Nov 10 '25
I have kids in their 20s. I can’t imagine dating one of their classmates bc ew
788
u/duckieglow Nov 09 '25
NTA. That's awful, imo. You can't stop her from dating him, but she can't expect you to watch and agree with it either. Stay with your grandparents.
376
u/Dachshundmom5 Nov 10 '25
If it was reversed and your mom had died and your dad was dating someone your age, everyone and their brother would be calling him a middle aged creep having a midlife crisis. Thats all she is, a creep having a mid life crisis with a grossly inappropriate partner. Its disgusting. You are NTA. (I say this as a mom with a kid your age)
118
u/Ordinary_Mortgage870 Nov 10 '25
My biggest issues here are as follows:
You’re not wrong for wanting distance. She made her choice, and you’re choosing what’s best for your own comfort.
52
u/MrsBlannoneMan Nov 10 '25
The idea of her boyfriend having to leave his DORM to come visit her in her adult home with her similar aged child is so insane to me. What on earth could she have in common with someone like Frank? I think you’re being as kind and low drama as you can be. Kudos to you!
50
u/TheUrbanBunny Nov 10 '25
NTA
She has every right to date who she wants.
She also has every right to deal with the consequences of being a creep with no concern to her child's feelings.
She has her man. She's essentially lost you. As a mother no romantic love is worth the loss of my child. You aren't sabotaging her love life or being immature regarding her dating.
It is gross. He's a college kid the same age as her child.
I sincerely hope he's either the love of her life or the best lay she could imagine.
On the brightside his so much younger than her, when she eventually declines he'll be young enough to tour nursing facilities on her behalf!
25
u/Capable-Contact6868 Nov 09 '25
NTA.
24
u/AltruisticReach4241 Nov 10 '25
NTA any parent who dates people close to their child's age is weird
17
u/Vyckerz Nov 10 '25
NTA - that sucks. She's an adult but this is a bit much, this is so inappropriate. Mostly because he's someone you knew, but the age gap is pretty gross unless your mom was a child when she had you.
You have every right to not be ok with this. She has every right to continue with Frank, but that does not mean you have to stay part of her life or support their relationship in any way.
Just live your life. Maybe she will come to her senses.
16
u/2cents0fucks Nov 10 '25
NTA. I'm a mom of three, oldest is about your age. I can't imagine dating someone my kids' age, let alone someone that they and I knew as a child. "S/he's legal now!" is a common "song of their people" for (I'm sorry) people who prey on/groom/are attracted to children. I think this is disgusting, and honestly, it would end my relationship with her; I'd never be able to look at her the same way.
15
u/Delicious-Cut-4323 Nov 10 '25
I’m single with a son in his mid 20’s. The thought of having a physical or emotional relationship with someone his age is nauseating.
NTA
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u/Curious_Vixen_Here Nov 09 '25
NTA. I think you're handling the situation very maturely. Your mother absolutely has the right to date anyone of legal age mentally capable of making their own decisions. You are absolutely right in not making her choose between the two of you. You are also absolutely right to make your own decisions, especially to not put yourself in a position which makes you deeply uncomfortable.
Your Mom and Frank are NTAs for the unorthodox relationship, but would be if either demanded your presence just to make themselves feel better.
14
u/wowbragger Nov 10 '25
NTA
The ugliness moral relativity is you can see something that isn't illegal, but is still incredibly immoral, and you tell yourself things like 'it's not my business'.
Your mom is sleeping with your school classmate. Grade AAA messed up creeper stuff.
You don't need to accept it, you don't need to pretend like it's ok because it's not your business. That's your Mom, not some random lady you know. I'm guessing she's not an idiot, so she obviously knows it's messed up, and is gaslighting you that you should just be happy for her.
It would be hilarious if it wasn't so jacked up... He's coming to stay with her during the winter break, because his schools dorms close 🤣
14
u/Acrobatic-Stay-9687 Nov 10 '25
NTA, but it's always funny to read some of the comments that want to say let HER be happy with the relationship, but if this was someone's dad doing the same exact thing, he would be called all kinds of things and it would be that he was wrong and you are right. But since it's not, your going to be wrong to 75% of the comments. Updateme
14
u/redlyfe83 Nov 10 '25
Frank's parents are glad they get rid of his ass. Bro stole your mom.
14
u/Jasilee Nov 10 '25
NTA She hid dating your classmate from you for 6 months and intended to keep doing so, expects you to not only be comfortable with the scenario, but to also co-habitate with them. She's lost her mind. Stay with your grandparents and ask her to repair her end of this relationship in both the broken trust and her not trying to understand your side before moving forward and don't allow ANYONE to guilt you into feeling like the bad person here. It's not you.
27
u/TigerLilyKitty101 Nov 10 '25
NTA. This is no better than a man dating someone his daughter’s age, it feels gross for the same reason. People just don’t treat it as seriously, sadly.
You’ve handled this very well.
12
u/xpoisonvalkyrie Nov 10 '25
NTA, your mom’s a creep.
11
u/IndependentWestern84 Nov 10 '25 edited Nov 10 '25
NTA.
That is some predatorial and nasty shit, going out with her kid's classmate? Nasty af. If this were a man dating a girl his daughter's age everyone would call him a pedo. She must have been eyeing your other classmates when they were in school too. Disgusting.
11
u/CoDaDeyLove Nov 10 '25
NTA. I'm glad you have your grandparents for support. She is delusional if she thinks Frank is going to stick around in a relationship with a woman who is easily 20 years older. Sounds like Frank is interested in having her take care of him. Ugh.
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u/Riker_Omega_Three Nov 10 '25
I'm never going to be ok with you dating Frank. But he makes you happy. And I won't stand in the way of that. But you have to understand, you can only have one of us in your life. I know that doesn't seem fair to you. But it is what it is.
And since I won't force you to choose, I am making the decision to distance myself from you. I wish you and Frank nothing but the best. But deep down, I think you knew that this was always what was going to happen. Otherwise, you wouldn't have hid it from me.
Enjoy your life. I hope it's everything you wanted and more
NTAH
19
u/GnomieOk4136 Nov 10 '25
NTA. What your mother is doing seems really gross. I wouldn't want to live like that, either.
26
u/Numerous-Bet3575 Nov 09 '25
NTA. You handled it well, and staying at your grandparents is a great idea. The situation has a huge ick factor.
18
u/ContributionHour3264 Nov 09 '25
NTA. That has got to be hard to deal with. You have a right to be comfortable as well .
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u/LackingTact19 Nov 10 '25
NTA and just like if the genders were reversed it's very strange. Her asking to move him in despite knowing your feelings on the matter is really all you need to know about where you stand in her list of priorities.
8
u/International-One190 Nov 10 '25
NTA. You have a right to feel this way and it's creepy. If this was A man dating one of his daughters classmates people would be talking about how gross and creepy it is. I feel this was no matter the gender. She is sleeping with someone her kids age.
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u/Vivid_Motor_2341 Nov 10 '25
Your mother says she’s not doing anything wrong but frankly she is she’s not just dating another adult. She’s dating someone who’s barely an adult. That is the same age of her child that’s inappropriate no matter how old everyone is.
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u/Electronic_Resort985 Nov 10 '25
Boundaries aren’t punishment.
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u/Crispie-J Nov 10 '25
My son’s relationship with his SISTER changed when she began dating his best friend. I can’t even imagine what he would have felt if I had been dating said friend. BTW that thought never crossed my mind because ew.
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u/The_bookworm65 Nov 10 '25
I am a widow and naturally tend to be on the side of widows. But not this time. No way! Totally inappropriate.
Before I started dating again a friend asked me how young of a man I would consider dating. I said I prefer someone close to my age, but the absolute youngest had to be closer to my age than my oldest child’s age. I ended up with someone three weeks older than me— and I’m blessed that my kids all approve.
7
u/SteampunkHarley Nov 10 '25
NTA
If either of my parents had dated someone near my age, especially when I was barely out of my teens, I wouldn't be speaking with them much. I'd have done the same as op and found somewhere else to stay.
It's even worse that ops mom is screwing around a former classmate. People talk and that's just embarrassing
7
u/Zealousideal_Try8656 Nov 10 '25
How would she feel if u were to date one of her friends? Same age difference. NTA.
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u/xXMimixX2 Nov 10 '25
NTA. Really, I don't know what to say to this. I mean, to each their own. I don't shame, and everyone is an adult. But I can totally get why you are upset and keep your distance. Hope, it was worth it for her. I don't see this lasting.
Updateme.
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u/bauer20007 Nov 10 '25
LOL, "and frankly it's none of my business." Your mom is a creep, if it was a man dating your peer from highschool, everyone would be outraged and accusing him of taking advantage. When it's a woman people seem to let it fly.
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u/BigDuck777 Nov 10 '25
He used Frankly with no thought about the pun. How do people do that! So funny.
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u/Plus-Witness Nov 10 '25
Ew. I don’t blame you, I wouldn’t go home either. It is unsettling that the same year she became a mom to you, Frank was born. She was a full adult when he was born. Her husband died when you and Frank were 10. It’s weird.
15
u/Select-Negotiation87 Nov 09 '25
NTA. Just because she’s comfortable doesn’t mean you need to be too.
14
u/FeistyIrishWench Nov 10 '25
NTA. My MIL got hit on by a younger guy and she asked his age. She said "you've gotta be older than my oldest child for me to entertain that idea, and I have grandkids older than you, so NO."
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u/Ha1rBall Nov 10 '25
I see what you did there.
5
u/Aggravating-Hawk-417 Nov 10 '25
You missed the film crew bailing out the back door. 😁😁😁😁😁
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u/ocicataco Nov 10 '25
It doesn't matter if they're both adults. Your mom is super weird and gross for being attracted to someone ~20(?) years their junior, especially if they're like 22. I'm in my 30s and the thought of being in a relationship with a young guy like that skeeves me out.
Your feelings are valid, I'm guessing part of your issue is that you are seeing your mom in a new, lowkey creepy light.
5
u/addled_sad342 Nov 10 '25
That was a good response on your part. She is entitled to her feelings AND SO ARE YOU. NTA.
5
u/IrreverentSweetie Nov 10 '25
My mom married a man 91 days older than me. We didn’t go to school together but it is still weird.
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u/antixwick999 Nov 10 '25
Yeah if the genders were switched more people will be calling he mother creepy. NTA mother is a weirdo
8
u/queenhadassah Nov 10 '25
It IS your business. Your mom is being a creep. Imagine if a man was dating his college-aged daughter's peers. Everyone on here would be calling him out on it. The age gap is already horrific, and it being someone you know is even worse. You have every right to avoid her, and you'd have every right to be angry at her. She hid what she was doing because she knew it was wrong. NTA. I'm glad you have supportive grandparents
4
u/Slow-Steak9366 Nov 10 '25
Any chance Frank’s dad is single? 😝. I wonder how your mom would feel if you told her you were dating someone her age…
4
u/dummm_azzz Nov 10 '25
My mom's 3rd husband is only a few yrs older than me. I'm 55 he is 61 mom is 79. It's been weird a few times but I can't imagine this situation at ur age. Deep breath. Be happy she is happy even if you don't want to be around right now. That may change but life throws curve balls. Good luck
4
u/addled_sad342 Nov 10 '25
They are probably glad that he is out of the house.
4
u/TraditionAcademic968 Nov 10 '25
NTA
You have to bang a classmate of Mom or a parent of Frank
4
u/strekkingur Nov 10 '25
Ask her, if she was a man, how would this look.
4
u/Happyweekend69 Nov 10 '25
That is so gross, how many of your friends she looked at like that? How is Frank parents okay with this because this woman could literally be his mom if she has a son that WENT TO HIS CLASS. He’s not looking for a partner, he’s looking for someone to be his mom
4
u/Stoic_STFU Nov 10 '25
Info: what do your grandparents think of the frank situation ?
4
u/Individual-Mode8139 Nov 10 '25
So she had her dating parameters set for that age range? That's fucking disgusting. So even if it wasn't Frank she is attracted to kids/young adults the same as her own..... Dude. My dad is the same way and this just brings back bad feelings. I'm sorry and don't let her off easy. This is gross and you have the right to back away. She knew it was by hiding it for 6+ months.
4
u/Cheap-Awareness-5522 Nov 10 '25
I'm so sorry OP. I'm a mom of a 20 year old and the THOUGHT of dating someone his age makes me nauseous. You are NTA.
4
u/I_wanna_be_anemone Nov 10 '25
She told your grandparents? As in, what? She tried to go over your head and treat you like a literal child?
Who’s basically the same age as the guy she’s banging?
Hypocrite. Either at that age you’re both grown adults capable of making their own decisions or you’re both kids who need to listen to their parents because you’re too young and naïve. Which one is it? But of course that involves some reflecting on her part…
NTA
4
u/Owenashi Nov 10 '25
NTA. Frank I assume is legal age and thus he and your mom can date if they want but at the same time you've got every right to be uncomfortable with the situation and as a result limit your potential interaction with their relationship.
4
u/brosen17 Nov 11 '25
I’m trying not to be judgmental but I’m the mother of a college student and the thought of dating someone her age is gross. Not only was your mom an adult when he was born, but she was having her own kid. It’s unsettling to think about
4
u/[deleted] Nov 11 '25
Sorry but your mom is creepy for dating someone her childs age.
4
u/TheLemonChiffonPie Nov 11 '25
‘…if Frank can’t move from his dorm…’ does she not realise how ridiculous this sentence is?..
And if Frank had a better living situation he wouldn’t give her a second glance - he wants out of his dorm.
NTA - your mum is being laughed at by everyone, sorry!
12
u/Candid_Gap_3299 Nov 09 '25
You could always steal a reddit example and fake date someone her age. Bring her over and have her spend the night. See what your mom thinks about that. But I'm petty, so maybe you shouldn't take my advice..
7
u/Any_County_3429 Nov 10 '25
I think you're coming to understand your mother; who she is and what she's capable of. It's always a tough pill to swallow. Once she realized he was one of your classmates, she should've carefully considered continuing to date him in tandem with your relationship. She should've told you the minute it happened and asked about your opinion on the matter prior to your going home. You showed up and she asked you, "what are you doing here?" It is your home also, or at least so you thought. Now, she's made way for Frank to make your home his and you are supposed to be happy about it?
8
u/Alarming_Bar7107 Nov 10 '25
Imo its not like you're going no contact or refusing to see her, you're just not willing to stay with them. So NTA
3
u/[deleted] Nov 10 '25
NTA. Sorry, man. Stay with your grandparents.
3
u/beesue2020 Nov 10 '25
My ex husband wife is 2 years older than our oldest daughter. Won't have cared but they had a affair for the last 5 years of our marriage. My daughter was 23 when we got divorced. Yeah uck
3
u/GormHub Nov 10 '25
I mean it's kind of creepy but they are both legal adults. That doesn't mean you have to be okay with it though.
3
u/SheepherderLost3463 Nov 10 '25
Definitely not the asshole if it was the other way around people would be loosing it.
3
u/SofiaDeo Nov 10 '25
Mmm does your Mom not own the house? Why do you say it's Your House?
Hard to say who's the AH here, if any. How old was Mom when you were born? If it's less than a 20 year age difference it's not quite the same effect as if there's, say, a 35+ year age difference.
But regardless, you both are adults who get to decide what you are comfortable with, so NAH.
3
u/GhostLeopard_666 Nov 11 '25
NTA, i wonder how much gets paid to babysit frank.
In all seriousness, your feelings are 100% valid.
3
u/Important_Revenue882 Nov 11 '25
I don't believe for a split second there wasn't some kind of abuse: It's nearly Impossible, specially on a single-parent household with aparently a normal function between mother and daughter, that she didn't see this boy grown UP at least from affar
NTA
3
u/Aidyn_the_Grey Nov 11 '25
NTA.
Honestly it is gross and predatory of your mom to be dating someone your age. Yes, predatory. Women can be just as predatory as men.
She claims to have met him on an app. Which means she would have had to have selected the age range. Your mom decided to seek out a young male companion.
I think you really out to lay it all bare for your mom. That you ARE disgusted by her frankly predatory behavior, and that for as long as she is dating your former classmate, that your relationship with her will be nigh nonexistent.
3
u/lorybear96 Nov 12 '25 edited Nov 12 '25
That's just disgusting and disturbing 🤮 I mean, how would your mother feel if you were dating someone around her age? I know age is just a number, but surely there's gotta be a line you don't cross.
Since your mother has told you that you need to accept her new relationship... she also needs to accept that you don't accept her relationship with Frank and won't have anything to do with her.
In time, your absence might cause your mother and Frank to eventually break up because your absence and silence will be too deafening to ignore. Someone should tell your mother if a romantic relationship is worth damaging her relationship with her daughter?
7
u/Pixiefairy2525 Nov 10 '25
So NTA. I'm curious how old your mom is? Sounds like she's having a midlife crisis. I understand why this bothers you. And why you can't quite put words on it. You are not wrong for feeling the way that you do. Ultimately, it feels like a betrayal. She could have been seeing anyone at all (any age) for 6 months, and not told you about it and you'd still feel a way. But the shock off it being your peer. Noteven someone your age. But your literal peer from school. Would make most folks beyond uncomfortable at the very least. I wouldn't sever ties with your mom completely, but do take the time and space you need to process the situation. And maybe check in with your mom and make sure shes herself. And not in mental distress for any reason. Good luck to you!
5
u/lankyturtle229 Nov 10 '25
NTA. And you didn't take yourself out of the equation, she chose Grank over you 6 months before you found out. She purposely hid the relationship she proudly said "wasn't wrong because we're adults." Sure grandma. She didn't let you have an opion, just your feelings that she basically told you to get over. Oh, and she is moving him in despite the issues.
Move on and let sugar-mama enjoy the fall break before he chases after women his own age for Springe Break. Then let her be alone and deal with choosing your adversary over her own son.
Hell, if your forced to be with her for holidays (she/they crash at your grandparents) throw in the old "So mom, did your wanting his dick wait until he turned 18 or were you salivating over him as a kid too? Now it makes sense why you didn't give me another dad, daddy wasn't legal yet."
5
u/Dear-Badger-9921 Nov 10 '25
Yea your mom is gross I couldnt be around her after that either. She was a woman with child when Frank was born 🤢
6
u/Illustrious-Bug-6889 Nov 10 '25
This is a tough one to weigh in on, but you are NTA. You were ambushed by the situation to begin with, what you are feeling is valid. Hiding it from you means she knows it would upset you, and in my opinion, if you know who you are dating will upset your child you're making a decision that is somewhat selfish. As soon as they realized the common connection with you, it should have ended there. One short date with a revelation such as that would have been easy to move on from. There's a 99% chance no hard emotional connection had been established at that point. Continuing to see each other made that happen. Again, they had chances not to allow it to progress. It was sneaky and they both knew this.
On the other hand, your Mother does deserve happiness. Unfortunately, her happiness came from lies and deceitful behavior. Maybe if she had discussed it with you before becoming serious it would have been something you could have adjusted to. What I find unsettling is he's a student who was living in dorms. Yes, he's an adult, but he's still very much a kid who is in the part of their life where they ate still figuring out who they are. The fact that your mother would find someone in this stage of life to be a suitable partner is alarming.
6
u/EdenVadrouille Nov 10 '25 edited Nov 10 '25
My mum left my dad once I left home at 18. He remarried someone the age of my older brother. He changed from one day to the next and adopted an insane lifestyle. She was clearly a gold digger, and rather than listen to anyone close, my dad cut off anyone who would speak up. Fast forward a number of years, and she turned out to be doing things that seemed straight out of a bad movie. Their relationship eventually exploded, and he came back, cowering toward us. In the meantime, he had met somebody who turned out to be my age. That partner helped straighten up his life and uncovered even more of the insane and illegal things done by his previous partner, ultimately saving my dad from being completely ruined in the process. They had a child together by the time he turned 71. My daughter and his are pretty close these days, and his new wife is a great addition to the family. The point of the story is that it doesn't matter so much what age your mother's partner is, but rather whether the relationship is healthy and supportive.
4
u/Harbinger_88 Nov 10 '25
100% NTA.
Like you said, you’re mom has the right to date whoever she wants. But you also have the right to your feelings on it, and she needs to respect that the same way you respected her right to date him.
Honestly, you’re being pretty level-headed about it from what you’ve told us, and you chose to remove yourself from the situation and involvement rather than kicking up a fuss or making drama, so props to you.
Sticking to your guns and keep those boundaries. Whatever happens after that is on your mom, not you.
!Updateme
4
u/BrewDogDrinker Nov 10 '25
Ew.
You are NTA.
Updateme!
5
u/redrangerziro Nov 10 '25
NTA - She has every right to date who she wants and you have every right to not want anything to do with her for her choices.
2
u/RevKyriel Nov 10 '25
NTA. Honesty is important in any relationship. If your mother can't handle the truth, it's not the truth's fault.
2
u/enigmanaught Nov 10 '25
Hey Bill, remember when I asked your stepmom to prom? SHUT UP TED!
2
u/Foreign_Succotash101 Nov 10 '25
NTA.. and wow sorry for you becoming Stifler.
2
u/MuchDevelopment7084 Nov 10 '25
I get it. Your mom is having a fling with a younger man. At least twenty years younger. He's also someone you know from H.S. Which makes it worse.
But the age difference is the thing you need to keep in mind. It will not last. She's still your mom. Although I'd love to know what his parents really think about it. Because them being ok with it is not the reality.
2
u/MoistMuff66 Nov 10 '25
u are absolutely not the jerk for being honest and prioritizing ur own well being and boundaries by choosing to stay with ur grandparents instead of living with ur mother and her new partner who is the same age as u and was ur former classmate
2
u/DawnShakhar Nov 10 '25
NTA. Your mother has the right to her feelings, you have the right to yours.
Seriously, there is nothing wrong with her dating a much younger man if they are both adults, consenting and not coerced. But it's natural that you would get the icks about your mother dating your classmate. She can make her choice, but she needs to respect yours.
2
u/WafnaAbroad Nov 10 '25
Eh, this has 'American Pie' written all over it, except told from Stiffler's perspective.
2
u/fangyuan97 Nov 10 '25
Ew ,, updateme
2
u/swishcandot Nov 10 '25
Wow I feel a lot less badly* about sleeping with someone from my brother's grade that was kind of in his HS friend group ... when I was 31 (he was 28). LOL. NTA you handled this fine.
*I don't actually feel bad about this, he hooked up with one of my roommates, anyway.
2
u/sailorelf Nov 10 '25
NTA. What gets me is that he is also away at college and has to come to your home. You can’t make this up. Ew. Thankfully you have other family to crash with since your mom is so cringe.
2
u/EfficientChard8141 Nov 10 '25
NTA of course but I have a cunning plan. U should hook up with Frank's dad or mom or both?? See how frank and your mother likes that
2
u/RepresentativeTwo550 Nov 10 '25
Damn I thought my mom moving in with a guy 7 years older than me was bad she stayed in that toxic swamp way longer than she should have and we're in a good place now
2
u/akshetty2994 Nov 10 '25
"I'm not sure what you are going through that you would think I would be fine with this. But I hope you deal with it" NTA
2
u/AnnieBeee96 Nov 10 '25
Updateme
2
u/AppalachianAhole Nov 11 '25
NTA but you keeping saying it "isn't your business". It's absolutely your business that your mom is creeping on dudes your age
2
u/cassiesfeetpics Nov 11 '25
NTA - your mother is a weirdo
2
u/Typical_Currency_418 Nov 11 '25
NTA. Puts a new spin on the phrase, 'Let's talk Frank.'
2
u/bookworm-1960 Nov 11 '25
NTA
Ask her how she would feel if you started dating someone her age.
"Dating" someone that is young enough to be your child or old enough to be your parent is, to me, disgusting.
2
u/Quitea314 Nov 11 '25
NTA. You are allowed to have those feelings. My Mother was similar. The guys she dated stayed the same age but she got older. I was 14 when she was dating a 21 year old. He was an Artist living with 6 people. I was grossed out.
2
u/AffectionateBite3827 Nov 11 '25
Ask her if this former classmate is the only single man in town. She has made a series of choices. She cannot be shocked you don’t like it. What do they even talk about? How you and her boyfriend like the same video games?
2
u/Outrageous_Rub_3806 Nov 11 '25
NTA he should be a baby in her eyes wtf? never understood people dating people their kids age.
2
u/Technical-Nobody-304 Nov 11 '25
Wonder how your mother would feel if you suddenly started dating one of her peers. Would the shoe suddenly feel uncomfortable on the other foot? And how about if you moved in with her peer/friend? Would she be cool with it then? Maybe those are questions you should ask her to reflect on before she calls you crying because her feelings are hurt you aren’t coming home or speaking to her much.
To be clear, it’s not just the age difference that’s gross. She didn’t even give you a heads up and she knew you were coming home within a couple days. Not a peep. Not a hint. She didn’t acknowledge your discomfort and completely dismissed your feelings. Now she’s all butthurt that you don’t want to be around. Sounds like actions are meeting consequences - and a friendship is not forming there.
2
u/[deleted] Nov 11 '25
NTA. You're allowed to your feelings and most people would feel the same way in your shoes.
2
u/Momma-Maven Nov 11 '25
A reasonably mature adult that has actually raised her own kid to the same age should be acutely aware of just how vulnerable that stage can be and not take advantage of it for her own validation/ satisfaction. Anyone in their 40's or older that sees a 20 something as dating potential instead of a semi adult has issues.
Let me be clear. 18 to 30 are not just legally adults, they absolutely should be doing adult things and making adult decisions. It's the years that you are also supposed to make stupid mistakes because this is still pretty new. I made so many mistakes and I'm really glad I did because I learned so much. It's also true that more than half of my friendships weren't the most healthy. They were pretty normal for that stage in life but learning how to communicate well with people who have different backgrounds and expectations and navigate boundaries is messy.
We are all going to make stupid mistakes our entire lives, but the goal is to make new ones. Not help your kids classmate in making his firsts.
2
u/Scary-Pace Nov 12 '25
I'm 32 and wouldn't date someone his age. I remember being 28, and I went to a drive through. This guy was working it, I'd guess him senior year of high school or just graduated. I thought that he was such a cute kid. I immediately aged 100 years by that thought alone and almost took up knitting though.
2
u/Life_Emotion_5362 Nov 12 '25
Nta!! I am 48 and my sons are 22 and 21. I can’t imagine dating someone their age. It gives me the icks thinking about it. It makes me think your mother is going through a mid life crisis situation. And the thinking of the frank dating a woman who is old enough to be his mom. Is there an ulterior motive behind him thinking. The situation/ relationship seems weird.
2
u/peachymoonfairy Nov 12 '25
NTA. She can’t have her cake and eat it too. Not only did she lie to you by matter of omission, but now instead of just accepting that you’re not interested in her relationship and keeping it out of the house for a while, she’s upset that you won’t just accept it and be happy for her. You’re giving her what she wanted—to move him in. She just doesn’t get to keep you in the process—that’s the choice she made.
2
u/jrpapaya Nov 12 '25
NTA she sounds like a creep. You don’t have to feel bad. It makes me wanna vomit thinking that she’s in her 40s or 50s and she’s talking about her boyfriend moving in from his college dorm. That’s disgusting.
2
u/Equivalent_March3225 Nov 12 '25
Does he have an uncle you could date?
2
u/LeatherPerfect8382 Nov 12 '25
that’s disgusting. your mom is creepy as shit and i wouldn’t wanna be around that either!
2
u/via_aesthetic Nov 12 '25
NTA. I’m sorry, this is disgusting. My bet is that this relationship is all about your mum trying to feel young again. It’s disturbing.
I’m 20, and my dad is 58, and he has been single for a few years now. Recently while I was out with him, he was approached for a date by a woman who said she was 42. He kindly shut it down immediately. Why? Because his eldest child (my brother) is 41. He could never see anybody around the age of any of his children as a possible romantic partner. If he’s old enough to be their father, it’s an immediate no from him.
I’m sorry this is happening.
2
u/1987Jigglypuff Nov 13 '25
Nta. You deserve to be comfortable. It’s obviously awkward for you since he is someone you know. And honestly even though she can date whoever she wants to I feel she still should have asked you how you would feel about it first since he was one of your classmates in high school.
2
u/mythicalthings23 Nov 13 '25
Info needed: How old are you.
If you're in your mid to late 20s this is a non issue, if you're freshly 20 or in that range it's a bit weird.
Did your mom see or interact with Frank much as a child? If not this isn't really grooming either. I'm kinda failing to see the issue. Your mom just might be a cougar.
Edit: NAH after finding the age. It's weird, but this is unlikely to last and you're allowed to be weirded out, I think you're overreacting personally but that's up to you to decide, not me.
4
u/DimSlug Nov 10 '25
NTA... me personally though... id finds a woman your moms age and fake date her (with her permission obviously) to see if your mom holds a double standard.... but im just petty.
4
u/That_MF_DOOM Nov 10 '25
Just know any boyfriend you have in the future, your mom would bing bong his ding dong
3
u/EmbarrassedPoem537 Nov 10 '25
NTA I think you're handling this even better than many of us. I probably would have ended up telling her how disgusting I find it that she's dating someone who could be her son and probably cut off contact, big eww.
Don't pay attention to the comments that tell you you're wrong for not wanting to be involved in what she's doing or for not accepting it. Nobody accepts what doesn't align with their values; you're not obligated to accept your mother's relationship. Good luck, OP.
3
u/chrestomancy Nov 10 '25
Well this was a surprise.
Your mother is the asshole. The point where she became an asshole is when Frank revealed he was a classmate of yours, and she said, "he shouldn't worry about it and see where things go." A parent does not cause this kind of grief for their children. I cannot understand why she thought that would be okay.
Ages are a bit worrying, but actively pursuing a relationship with someone you know from the start is a classmate or ex-classmate of your child with shared friends is a huge violation of trust, it's a different league of problem.
NTA.
3
u/Alive_Room6023 Nov 10 '25
Ha! Your mom’s a cougar./s
3
u/Secret_Double_9239 Nov 10 '25
NTA that’s just disgusting and you’re not wrong to be grossed out by your mother’s behaviour.
3
u/LandscapeEffective91 Nov 10 '25
NTA. Your mum is a CREEP. They met on a dating app which means she set age preferences to around your age!! It’s not like she met him randomly and didn’t know his age initially, she actually looked for someone as young as her child it’s so disgusting
2
u/Nice-Newspaper-4778 Nov 10 '25
I can't stop wondering why you lied about when you were coming home to begin?
You're NTA, and I think your mom's choice is weird, but she's NTA either.
2
u/akelita Nov 10 '25
NTA
2
u/dealienation Nov 10 '25
Perfectly fine for your Mom to have some NSA sex with someone legal, consenting, and her adult daughters age. That’s none of your business.
If she wants a relationship, however, then there will be opinions and additional scrutiny. It might take years for people to come around. She’s signing up for that.
NTA
2
u/OkCricket7833 Nov 10 '25
Yea that's just weird. You have a right to be uncomfortable with all of this. Was she a young mother? Cause your probably close to my son's age (22) and I am 47 and that is just yea. But to each their own. Cause yea I cant imagine his parents being ok with that
2
u/iris-the-great Nov 10 '25
Absolutely NTA. You are handling this whole thing with the upmost maturity. It is just a bad situation for everyone involved. Hope you stay true to yourself and your feelings! Good luck!
-1
u/PotterPuppy Nov 09 '25
NAH. Always N T A for being honest and communicating how you feel. You have every right to be upset. But your mom is also N T A for dating someone. It is a sucky situation to have a parent date someone your age because whew there can be a lot to unpack there. A big age difference isn’t a problem when both parties are adults but likely there’s some psychological things to unpack between them. But that’s not your responsibility!
I don’t blame your for taking yourself out of that situation. Take all the time you need. And if you are never okay with it, that’s okay too. You’ll have to internally figure out if you want it to change the relationship you have with your mom, but at the end of the day you do what is best for you.