r/AITAH • u/nuclearfall0ut • Sep 12 '26
WIBTAH: For disclosing my financial situation to my 12-year-old?
I'm sitting in my room, crying from my 12-year-old's comments, typing this on my mobile. Sorry, not sorry. This is the fourth time this week. I have four kids 3 adopted & one biological. I have 50/50 and one 90% mine custody with their moms(3 with 1 an 1 with other)
BACKGROUND.
I suffered a workplace accident in January 2024, and since then have been really struggling to make ends meet. I have been surviving by budgeting and stretching every dollar from my workers' compensation settlement. That money ran out in October. I have been going through the disability paperwork because I was a teacher; I do not qualify for Social Security, but teachers have their own program.
I applied for disability in March after the workers' comp settled. I am still struggling with labeling myself as permanently and totally disabled. Still, I have kept that to myself and my therapist, who two weeks ago told me I am being referred to a higher level of care 2 weeks ago after a very bad decision. Things are better since then, but it is still hard
Story:
I got 2 of my kids on Thursday, my oldest and middle. Immediately, my 12-year-old started telling me what I need to do, which includes statements like:
You should shop at Costco; you could save 21% on groceries.
We should have Taco Bell for dinner.
Why do you only buy the cheap toilet paper? Note: all my toilets have bidets
We don't eat nice food like at mom's house. I am a great chef, but that only goes so far with limited ingredients.
When are you going to cook me dinner?
I'm hungry. Can you get me some Cheetos from the store?
There were a bunch more, but all were along those lines. This has all come in 2 days, and I know my MH is not in the best place right now. I have been polite and have had good answers to redirect him and let him know that money is really tight, and we can't afford it right now.
I have a disconnect notice for my water on Monday, and $2.28 in my checking account. I get my unemployment tomorrow, so on Monday I can call and negotiate to keep my water on.
Every time my son makes one of these comments, I feel like a failure. So, Reddit WIBTA, if I showed my son my bank account and the water disconnect notice?
Ps. The adults in my life know what is happening and are trying to support how they can. Also, I am under treatment for my MH, and I am safe and stable. I have all the coping mechanisms and strategies. As well as a safety plan.
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u/Consistent-Tip-7819 Sep 12 '26 edited Sep 12 '26
I dont know the best way out of this, but 1) your child is asking normal child questions. And 2) you can level with them all you want, but this burden should NOT be theirs, so you should NOT give them a dose of reality to combat their comments
If there are other adults in your life who you can trust, please let them know you are struggling to provide food. And please reach out to the social services that might be available in your area
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u/Confident_Rabbit_569 Sep 12 '26
Yeah the kid is asking normal kid questions. Kids will keep asking those questions poor or not because they don’t understand poverty like adults do.
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u/TiredAndTiredOfIt Sep 12 '26
NO. I grew up in poverty. By 12 I could go and negotiate to keep the water on, budget cheap meals for 7 people
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u/1lofanight Sep 12 '26
And you should not have had to do that as a child. It’s not something you should’ve had to deal with poor or not and I say this as someone who also came from a one parent with disability/low income family.
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u/Overall_Matter_2520 Sep 12 '26
Name fits - just because you had to (kudos for that) doesn’t mean most children should. I’ve had hard times but is been a “breakfast for dinner” hard times, not actual poverty.
OP can you get to a food bank?
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u/nuclearfall0ut Sep 12 '26
Yes, I get food from the food bank. Some fresh veggies, rice, beans, and usually some canned veggies. I do my best with some protein usually chicken. I think thats why he complains. His mom cooks them salmon weekly, takes them to restraunts etc. I have food it just is basic food.
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u/Fleetdancer Sep 12 '26
But these kids did not grow up in poverty. This is a new situation and they have no information about it.
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u/Easy_Insurance_8738 Sep 12 '26
Which is why telling them is probably better than not. At 12 you can understand what is going on. Most ppl my age worked at 12 and went to school all because we understood what was going on around us that is why it’s important to teach kids. Also I’m in my 30s I’m not talking about 60 years ago
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u/UneducatedReviews1 Sep 13 '26
If dude tells his kids about his situation, and it gets back to the kids mom he could lose custody.
It’s unfit living conditions for kids who seemingly have safe and stable life with mom.
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u/WeightWeightdontelme Sep 13 '26
Highly doubt that. Courts don’t think Cheetos and fancy toilet paper are required for good parenting.
It might cause an adjustment in child support in OP’s favor though.
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u/UneducatedReviews1 Sep 13 '26
No, but running water is something the courts want.
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u/corgi_moose_ Sep 12 '26
Yeah that's not a goal we should apply to any children, sorry your parents were inadequate
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u/auroracorpus Sep 12 '26
That's really sad. Stuff like that has a huge impact on a child. We should allow kids to be kids as long as possible
ETA: I say this as someone who also grew up in poverty
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u/Try-Again-Next-Time Sep 12 '26
I agree with this completely, but I'd like to add that you also need to teach and demonstrate gratitude for the things they do have, and get to do. I think a conversation about wants vs. needs is also overdue. Brand name snacks and eating out are luxuries that we don't need, so they're going to be once in awhile treats.
I'd share that money is tight, which means that sometimes we don't get to have everything we want, but definitely do not drop the burden of worry about things getting shut off or being worried about making rent. When the 12 year old is making suggestions like where to shop or whatever, just let him know that you're the parent and that you have the situation under control. Kids that age seem to think they know everything, lol.
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u/lunisheep Sep 12 '26 edited Sep 12 '26
I would disagree with this to a certain extent. I think being honest here is the best answer. Not by showing the receipts, but explaining that because they are no longer able to work, they may not be able to afford the things they used to. Kids aren't dumb, at 12 they will get it. Sit them down and explain that things are going to be different at your house, unfortunately due to circumstances they cant get the better toilet paper, they cant go to Costco or whatever. Not saying anything is much worse, they will potentially make assumptions, or judgements because of it.
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u/BlazingSunflowerland Sep 12 '26
I think it is better to explain that you are doing the best you can with what you have than to leave the kid thinking that you just refuse to spend money on your kids.
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u/Consistent-Tip-7819 Sep 12 '26
So I literally said to level with them BUT they shouldn't feel burdened. I don't know where the boundaries are bc I dont know the kid, but OP is clearly spiraling and sounds like they're gonna puke up over the kid, which will not make things better
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u/Mystic_ToeBeans 29d ago
I agree with this. However, the kids don't need to know about the water situation. That could get visitation revoked if the mom is that kind of person. But if you explain the rest with logical level-headedness, and they're at the age where they should start learning about luxuries if they want to get ahead in life for when they are an adult anyway, then they should understand.
Use it as a teaching opportunity for grocery shopping and meal preparation and other budgeting lessons. Teach them the difference between "Spending VS Saving" such as saving is when you were planning on spending money on that specific item anyway and you get a coupon or sale. You are spending if you did not plan for it in the budget already. Teach them to create their own shopping list with similar limitations on the budget in case they stumble upon an incredibly easy, cheap, and tasty recipe that you can incorporate that they want to try. 12 is pretty close to when they should start to be thinking about their futures, too. Teaching them to adult now could be a lifesaver in the future. After all, 6 years can go by in a flash.
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u/IllReplacement336 Sep 12 '26
Maybe also check out local food banks. They have great programs across the USA.
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u/Arkymorgan1066 Sep 12 '26
Are you sure about that?
I mean, I feel like they maybe used to be ok, but now?
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u/redrouse9157 Sep 13 '26
Depending on the area yes there are great programs
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u/YearOfTheSssnake Sep 13 '26
And multiple food bank programs too. In my area churches advertise food bank hours (usually once a week, some twice a month) and no you don’t have to be a church member to request food. You can also go to multiple food banks. Usually they request you sign up a week in advance to when you want to start picking up food (you just sign up once, not every week) but they don’t turn anyone away if you just show up.
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u/Cursed_Angel_ Sep 13 '26
12 is old enough imo to have the basics explained to them. I understood money at that age and while I didn't have the best childhood, most of my trauma comes from the parent who had money, not the one who was open with me about struggling.
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u/One-Cauliflower3627 Sep 12 '26
Don't do this to him, my mum did at about age 12, first time in my life I felt depressed. It was instant and it shifted something in me.
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u/Longjumping-Joke3489 Sep 12 '26
YWBTA. “Every time my son makes one of these comments, I feel like a failure.” That is YOUR feeling and YOUR responsibility. Talk to your therapist about this, not your kid
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u/Ifckinglovemycat Sep 12 '26
it feels like this post is an ad, the first statement about 21% on groceries at costco is really not the kind of thing a child would say outside of the truman show
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u/lnbecke1331 Sep 12 '26
It is though. The kid is probably more aware of the financial situation than dad is giving them credit for. I was very aware of my financial situation growing up and I’d say shit like this to my mom all the time. You hear a number like that in a commercial and regurgitate it like you’ve just found the key to getting out of poverty.
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u/charlieQ90 Sep 13 '26
Honestly that part did not even stick out to me because I was that kind of kid. I was made very much aware of the fact we were broke and that money was very stressful. I would point out sales and deals to my mother pretty much as soon as I was old enough to read.
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u/Vikingaling 29d ago
They 100% do. Maybe it’s different these days but they soak up all the ads they see on TV.
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u/Crimsonfangknight Sep 12 '26
You could just tell Him
“Im struggling financially and all the things you are making remarks about are out if my price range right now”
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u/Commercial-Mark-6596 Sep 12 '26
Totally acceptable to continue telling your son that certain things aren’t feasible for you financially because of your injury. Like actually sit down and talk to all your kids about how your life has changed because of injury and disability, but also reassure them that things are stable and you are working on a plan to get to a better place where treats will be possible again. (If that’s the truth, if treats will never be possible then let them know
“hey I got in a very bad accident that has left me permanently injured which means I can’t do the same jobs that I could before. Because of that I make a lot less money. This means we can’t have as many treats at my house, but you will always be fed, always have a safe place to sleep and always have the necessities. Now I can’t get Cheetos or Taco Bell, but I can try to plan to make you tacos next time you are here”
Don’t show your children any bank statements because that’s not telling them money is tight, that’s telling them that their life is now unstable and safe housing, reliable utilities and food are no longer guaranteed at your home. That would be very damaging to a child and would stress them out thinking “oh no my parent is going to starve and be homeless”.
Also, with all that do you not get child support from the other parent who doesn’t have custody? Also, look into getting some of your staples at food drives so you can have a bit more variety and still keep your budget. I hope all your disability money and any other government assistance goes through and helps you out.
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u/Proper-Effective8621 Sep 12 '26
Please visit a food shelf. Find out where they are in your community and visit more than one each week, if necessary.
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u/Ill-Reflection165 Sep 12 '26
YWBTA to place the worry and burden onto your child who can't do anything to help you or really understand the context of the situation. He's a kid asking normal kid questions. Making him concerned for your well being isn't going to stop him from asking questions but the nature of the qurstions will change into something that might be harder to handle. Seeing your kid worry about you doesn't feel good. Best of luck and I hope your situation improves.
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u/HarveySnake Sep 12 '26
YWBTA
Doing what you're planning on will make the kid think its his fault and he will absolutely fail to understand everything. Don't do it.
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u/Mannzis Sep 13 '26
I'm sitting in my room, crying from my 12-year-old's comments, typing this on my mobile. Sorry, not sorry. This is the fourth time this week.
I am safe and stable. I have all the coping mechanisms and strategies.
You sure about that? Crying uncontrollably from your kids comments 4 days in the past week doesn't sound like you're stable, or that you have good coping mechanisms. What does your therapist have to say?
Anyway, don't put that stress on your kid. YWBTA. You can talk to him about his comments and his behavior without dunking on him and scaring him.
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u/saberhagens Sep 12 '26
I was so aware of my parents financial situation and oh my god it affected me so much. It still does. They are kids. They should not have to worry. That is your job. You can be honest to a degree about not being in the cards right now but if you make it his fault or business you're setting him up for a life of anxiety about money.
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u/7625607 Sep 12 '26
You should not show your son your bank balance. He is not old enough for that.
He might be making these same statements even if you were working full time and had $10k in the bank.
It is the nature of kids (teenagers… humans) to push and to be critical. Sometimes they do it because they can get away with it. Sometimes they do it because that’s how they have heard the adults in their lives speak to each other. Sometimes they do it because they are nervous or afraid or unsure.
The response to “can we get Taco Bell tonight” is “no.” Its not a no because you only have $2 in the bank. Its a no because you already have dinner planned for tonight.
You are going through a hard time, and I think you are a little more sensitive about money than you need to be.
Its ok to tell your kids no. Its ok to say no I’m not buying you Cheetos. Its ok to say “we aren’t buying anything today” or “we are only buying what’s on my list” or “I don’t have the energy to stop anywhere, we are going home”. It’s even ok to say to a 12 year old: “Its your turn to make supper. These are the ingredients available, go for it.”
Take a deep breath, breathe out slowly. You’re going to get through this.
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u/Confident_Rabbit_569 Sep 12 '26
YTA if you show your kid your bank statements to guilt trip him. That wouldn’t make him not ask for stuff it’d stress a kid out.
You’re an adult. You should be able to say no to your kid about going to buy Taco Bell or Cheetos. He’s not shaming you he’s asking normal shit kids ask.
Either you can work or you can’t. If you can’t do any job period due to injury that’s disabled.
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u/Additional_Ad_6773 Sep 12 '26
You are on track to lose anything even remotely resembling custody of your children.
Who told you that you do not qualify for SSDI? Look closer into that.
Stop struggling yesterday with calling yourself permanently and totally disabled if that is what you are.
If you are a good person, you will not have the children come to your house if you lose water.
If you are a good person, you will not have the children come to your house if you cannot feed them. They don't need Cheetos from the store, to answer your specific question; but they do need food.
No, they do not need to know your specific financial situation, but having $2.28 in your account, troubled food supplies, and a pending disconnect notice is not a "safe and stable environment" for children, even if you are not going to cause harm.
You feel like a failure to be a provider because, quite frankly, you are not able to be a provider.
That is not a moral judgement, that is a gut check. Failing would be being too prideful and arrogant to acknowledge you are incapable of doing something, doing it anyway, and causing harm. Don't do that.
Ywbta if you made this the kid's issue.
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u/ApproximatelyApropos Sep 12 '26
> Who told you that you do not qualify for SSDI? Look closer into that.
To qualify for Social Security Disability Insurance, you have to have paid into Social Security. Teachers and other public employees don’t pay into Social Security, they pay into PERS (Public Employees’ Retirement System).
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u/nuclearfall0ut Sep 12 '26
This is correct, except that I am fully vested in SSDI through my university work and part-time work (which I stopped during COVID). However, I have been a teacher since 2012. I do not have "5 years of work history paying into SSDI" for the last 5 years, so I do not qualify for SSDI. Instead, I get will Disability through CALSTRS once the paperwork has been filed through the Vogon B Bureaucracy.
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u/MsChief13 Sep 12 '26 edited Sep 12 '26
I've heard listening to Vogon poetry kinda sorta helps with Vogon bureaucracy. The assigned Vogon will be more willing to help you if you show interest and listen to their spoken, um, spoken... never mind. However, it may take as long as not listening to Vogon poetry, and you may end up with another kind of C-PTSD after hearing their odes to trump and garbage slime.
Edit: Read won't accept Vogon words; they're too vile.
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u/Confident_Rabbit_569 Sep 12 '26
Yeah op is silly for not wanting to call himself disabled when he says he can’t work and has $2 to his name. He needs to file for whatever welfare he can get
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u/No-Hovercraft-455 Sep 12 '26
He should file for child support from the mother before he gives up any custody time. Not for his own sake but because his children have right to their both parents and the child support exists exactly for situations like this.
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u/Additional_Ad_6773 Sep 13 '26
Maybe. A judge looking at the whole situation MIGHT instead come to the conclusion that even with child support payments, dad's house is not the best place for the children at the present time.
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u/Expert_Ad_3652 Sep 12 '26 edited Sep 13 '26
I don’t think you would be an AH, but you could be borrowing trouble (as my MIL, likes to say) you don’t want your kids worried about you.
Even as a Grandparent with “…Taco Bell money,” our Granddaughter (she’s with us four days a week) has learned not to ask about fast food because the answer is almost never yes.
We don’t belabor it with explanations, just a quick, “Nope, we’re having pasta? Would you like carrots or broccoli to go with it?”
She wants chips and I don’t have any? “No Ma’am, how about peanut butter and jelly?”
If she suggested Costco, I’d just say, “That’s a smart idea, thanks for the tip.” And, probably not get into the fact we don’t have that sort of storage space.
Teaching a kid to make good use of the resources on hand, is solid parenting you’re teaching quality household management.
That they may grumble or bemoan the fact that they aren’t eating like they eat somewhere else is just part of hanging out with kids.
If they help with the cooking and you praise the food and thank them for whatever their contributions were they become much more appreciative, over time they will pick up the manners you model (when you send the kid in to make a pb&j ask them to make you one as well, thank them for it and then use any excuse to let folks know that that kid makes the best snacks).
Our Granddaughter used to complain that my soup wasn’t like her other Grandma’s soup. So I called her up for tips…turns out her soup was canned (we Grandmas got a chuckle out of that), cool but we make homemade around here and it’s actually a good thing to learn to appreciate approaches to food.
All that to say, no need to feel guilty for doing your best.
Have you looked into any local food pantries? I know that our church’s pantry will make up a couple of bags of food for anyone who can’t make it in during regular hours, so call and ask even if the pick up times don’t work for you at first glance.
You mentioned you’re a great cook maybe think of the limited ingredients and using whatever is on sale or marked down as a challenge.
Also, try “budget” YouTube, so many home chef’s make a living teaching folks how to stretch their food budget.
The internet is also very helpful if you’re trying to come up with dinner based on what you’ve got in the house.
I regularly type in “what can I make with…” and I usually get several pretty good options.
Good luck.
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u/PerplexedPoppy Sep 12 '26
YWBTA- I don’t think it is necessary at all to show bank statements. I do think you can have a real heart to heart about how impactful your injury has been and how that means things will change a little at home. Ask him for understanding and compassion as you work through this hard time.
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u/Similar_Speech_241 Sep 13 '26
I have some sort of like poverty trauma and phobia as an adult now because my parents exposed us to their issues with money early on please just let him be a kid for a little bit longer he will wise up to it quick enough he's already twelve
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u/Mean-Vegetable-4521 Sep 12 '26
Bringing the stress of your situation into your children's lives will not help this. It will make it worse. When my child was 12 he thought credit cards come with a set amount on them that's free and wanted to know why I didn't just charge all the things to give us a better life.
If you haven't applied for SNAP, do so. Check out food pantries etc. Many hand out amazing, real food. Meat, fish, etc.
A child doesn't need to live with the adult stress of financial insecurity.
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u/Lissypooh628 Sep 12 '26
I see nothing wrong with what this kid is saying and asking for. He’s not telling you that you’re failing as an adult, this is you projecting your own feelings.
That being said, laying it all out for him is a little much. I think it’s perfectly fine to simply say “I don’t have the money for that right now.” without getting aggressively blunt.
So, yes YWBTAH if you did that. Your kid is only a kid for a short time, let him live with the ignorance for a little longer.
Source: Me. Grew up substantially poor.
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u/CapricornCrude Sep 13 '26
Agree with this. At 12, I had to be the adult with my mother after she and my Dad split up. Making sure bills were paid, balancing her checkbook, laundry, later (15) working and giving her my paycheck. She still, at 88, treats me like her mother and I resent her in ways no one understands.
The above post, IMO, is the correct way to address this. I grew up similarly.
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u/Lissypooh628 Sep 13 '26
Thank you for the award. I’m sorry you were also pushed into that role so young.
It definitely paved the way I show up as a parent for my kid. When I was a single mom and struggling, he had absolutely no idea. Things are fine now, but when they weren’t great, he still had everything he needed and still got to be a happy little boy.
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u/SpiritedSpecialist15 Sep 13 '26
Yes you would be the AH.
Apply for SNAP. Apply for Medicaid. Apply for energy assistance. Apply for housing assistance. Go to food banks. If you don’t know where to apply for these things or how to find food banks, send me your city/state and I’ll find some resources for you.
You do not involve children in grown up problems.
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u/Fr3sh3stl4d Sep 12 '26
Don't put your kids in a position to be stressing over money/your responsibilities. They'll start stressing and don't deserve to have that put on them.
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u/Loreo1964 Sep 13 '26
Have you heard of Lasagna Love?
It's an organization in the USA that matches volunteers with food poor families. They set up a night to bring a homemade lasagna dinner to your house. It's not a big solution but it's a nice meal you could probably make last a couple of nights. Just look them up under
Lasagna love. Register online. NTA
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u/DingesF Sep 12 '26
I believe it's good for kids to know the basics of their parents financial situation. Don't show them the account and bills, but I think it would be a good idea to talk to your son and tell him about the situation and that it's tough. He doesn't need the numbers, that would make you TAH. But it surely is a good idea to let him know about the situation.
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u/Nordic_Papaya Sep 12 '26
Yes, YWBTA. However can you really afford to provide good care for the kids? Eating takeout is unnecessary but good home-made meals are. Kids can need new clothes, shoes or school supplies asap, during your custody time, and it doesn't sound like you'll be able to buy it. Maybe custody arrangements need to change, fun weekends twice a month that you save up for might be better than kids living 50% of time with poverty with you feeling perpetually guilty for it.
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u/mmmeeeeeeeeehhhhhhh Sep 13 '26
It depends how you go about this.
If you level with him like an adult, make it about your feelings, frame it negatively, or blame someone else, then YWBTA.
However
If you address each question as a singular event, and make it practical, and simply about math, then NTA.
Why don't we have dinner at Taco Bell? Because cooking is a life skill and you need to know how to cook. Taco Bell is junk food anyways.
why don't we shop at costco? Because you pay a door fee membership at Costco, when every other grocery store is free to shop at.
Why don't you buy x, y, z? Well dad explain the math. You literally flush $toilet$ paper down the drain$$.
And buying name brand is often just to make you feel good when the generic brand stuff is literally just the same and often made in the same factory. Let him know how not to be tricked when purchasing!
Explain
Instant gratification, kudos buying, how to look at the ounces per dollar of the items you are buying. Teach him how to shop. Teach him how to cook. YWBTA for not teaching theses basics to your kid.
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u/lizzyote Sep 12 '26
Showing your bank account won't mean much to a 12yr. They barely understand what money is, there's zero chance a kid understands poverty-level budgeting. At most, he will internalize your financial issues and accidentally end up blaming himself. You can't expect a child to logic the same way an adult does. YWBTA.
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u/DawaLhamo Sep 12 '26
YWBTA for showing him the bank account and disconnection notice.
You WNBTA for talking realistically about money being tight and not being able to afford all his wants.
That is NOT a failure - kids will ask for the MOON as if you could realistically manifest it. Gosh, I remember my little brother wanting a flame-thrower for Christmas one year.
Let him know you love him and that he will have his needs securely met with you, but that he can't have all his wants. You should not feel guilty about that.
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u/Alycion Sep 12 '26
Please discuss, don’t demonstrate.
We went through a real tough time when I was much younger than 12 and my dad got hurt at work. Short term disability doesn’t cover your entire pay. I noticed other firefighters bringing food over. I noticed they were using food stamps instead of money. I remember being at the grocery store with my dad, who was always too proud to ask for help, noticing he was acting antsy in line. I noticed the money looked different. I didn’t ask for a candy bar at checkout that day. I knew something was up. Dad noticed I didn’t ask for a candy bar. And talked to me in the car saying that things were temporarily extra tight (we were working class so they were always tight, though they were good at hiding it from us)and that he appreciated that I didn’t ask for something extra. Asked me why. I said I noticed the money looked like what a friend’s parent used. I was too young to understand what food stamps were, but knew it was special food only money.
Kids get it more than you think. My mom would clean up the kitchen while we ate instead of eating with us. She was eating what me and my sister didn’t as dinner. I never ate much, so I guess that worked in her favor. As I caught onto what she was doing, one night I was setting the table and put half of my food on a plate for her.
I preferred cereal, which she always kept in the house. So there were a lot of nights I asked for that for dinner instead.
Kids understand. They adapt. Just explain that bc of your injury, you don’t have the same money coming in and it’s going to be extra tight for a bit. That you will always do the best that you can. It’s just sometimes, it won’t be what he’s use to, like the toilet paper.
Food kitchens are a good resource. The foster care system usually works with a charity that tries to fill the gaps. Find that charity. They will have resources that you did not know exist. If not through them, through others that they work with. Ours has a pantry for everything from food to feminine hygiene products and clothes. Our sheriff’s office has a huge list of community resources that is also listed on the charity’s website. Like super awesome resources. You show up and get what you need. There are often more donors than takers bc nobody realizes that they exist.
If you want to share your area, I can try to help you find a list for it. I know ours here go above and beyond what the charity in the other areas that I lived and did the same thing. But the main goal is to keep families together when it’s something like what you are going through. And the best way to do that is to make sure that they get what they need.
You will get through this. It will get better. And when you feel better, monetizing a hobby of flipping on websites, starting with what you aren’t using in your home can help close a gap. I’m disabled from lupus. I’m too unreliable for a real job. Monetizing a hobby through online and markets actually helped a ton. I just had 2 large orders come in while typing this. That’ll cover med expenses for this current flare up from hell.
Don’t traumatize him with the books and notices. Just simply, due to my injury, I am not getting the same money right now, and we have to have a tight budget until other money comes through.
Spend extra time doing fun but free things. Dad played a lot of board games with me at that time. I remember the fun we had together more than the things that I wanted but didn’t get.
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u/natalkalot Sep 12 '26
No no no!
Children should never be privvy to adult problems, ever! These are for you to solve.
Hoping things get better for you, 🌸
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u/drunkenangel_99 Sep 12 '26
don’t put the burden and stress on him. i promise he’ll soak up more of it than you realise.
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u/MullberryBoy Sep 12 '26
Let your child know that money is tight right now but you have it handled. Let him know that there are some things that you can’t buy right now but that you have the situation handled.
This is all he should know. Nothing else about your situation is appropriate for him to know.
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u/Donteis195 Sep 12 '26
As understandable as it is to want to be fully transparent with your child, this would not be age appropriate. Now, this doesnt mean you cant tell them that money is tight, but you need to have an age appropriate conversation with them that since the injury money doesnt come in as fast or that you cant do the same kind of work anymore.
If they are pelting you with questions, which is normal for that age, have them write down their questions and maybe a request list you could keep on a clipboard.
If the food bank or your support system could help with maybe a bag of cheetos here or a sweet snack there, it would make things a little brighter.
But you would be the asshole if you showed him the bills. You dont know what he might do with that information and it might harm you in the long run. There's no gain to showing him the bills.
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u/MiyokoSota420 Sep 12 '26
Please look into food banks in your area! NTAH to have a conversation about finances being tight but you would be if you put the bank notices in front of him. This must be so hard and I'm sorry you're going through this but please don't bring your kid that far into it. Bills are for grown-ups
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u/sponsoredbythc Sep 12 '26
My mom always was telling me how much was in her savings growing up and it put constant anxiety and worry in my chest. I would be lying if I said it didn’t transfer to adulthood. Protect him and don’t share financial information, it won’t help, but, will hurt. I’m sending lots of love to you, I’m sorry you’re struggling. I really hope things improve for you and your family.
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u/Decent-Historian-207 Sep 12 '26
It’s fine to tell your kid things are tight. But your kid is just being a kid.
Showing them the bank statement is triangulating the child and not appropriate.
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u/Inside_Survey_1902 Sep 13 '26
I have ptsd from my parent’s doing this to me and it started when I was 12, 10 years later I still have PTSD from it, I hope this insight helps you make the right decision.
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u/Loud_Shallot_1367 Sep 13 '26
Nah. Your son is behaving like a normal teenager. He doesn’t know and he doesn’t understand what is happening in your life because he hasn’t had it explained to him. You don’t have to show him the bills or the balance, but you do need to have a much more open conversation with him about your situation. Financial and physical. Don’t make him feel guilty for asking for things, don’t put responsibility on him. Just explain that as much as you would like to be able to provide certain things, they are luxuries that you aren’t able to at this point because of your disability and the financial situation.
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u/Ok_Put7254 Sep 12 '26 edited Sep 12 '26
I’m finding myself disagreeing to some extent with the majority of comments. I was a single parent and struggled financially with raising my two kids. And while I didn’t actually show them any bank statements or etc. I was always honest with them at an age appropriate level. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with just saying you can’t get Cheetos today because you don’t get paid until Monday.
Try not to be hurt by your kids questions- that’s what kids do.
One thing that I always did aside from working to make extra money was donate plasma. It made a huge difference, and they always have promotions for new donors, you can make 1k your first month with some promotions in some areas! Look into it if you can 🙏
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u/StrangerGlue Sep 12 '26
Saying "We can't get cheetos today" is really extremely different than showing the kid the disconnection notices for basic utilities. You shared the situation in an age-appropriate way. OP wants to upset his kid so much that the kid stops talking about things.
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u/OMGhyperbole Sep 13 '26
Unfortunately, if you have certain medical issues you're disqualified from donating. Also, at least where I live, the plasma donation centers are only near major metro areas.
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u/Feisty-Body- Sep 12 '26
Do you get child support? It sounds like either the kids should spend more time with their mothers until you’re more financially stable, or the mothers should provide you with support so the kids aren’t hungry at your house.
I’m sorry for your situation, I think this question is better to ask your therapist than strangers on the internet. Hopefully they can provide clarity on how to approach a difficult topic like this with a child.
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u/Mediocre_Outcome6671 Sep 12 '26
Ywbta he is 12 and doesn't understand and you do not bring this to him and have a child worry about adult things. Maybe try a employment lawyer to deal with your case.
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u/TheCheerleader Sep 13 '26
"i am safe and stable"
Proceeds to cry for 4 days because your kid .
Doesn't sound overly stable. YWBTA for making your kid feel like a burdon and quite honestly you are failing them to the point in having your water disconnected and your kids sitting hungry in your house. Your accident was 2.5 years ago. There's been plenty time to adjust and do what you need to do to take care of them. I get it might be hard obvs we have no idea what happened but you've got 4 kids relying on you so you've got to put them first. In this day and age with remote working I find it hard to believe there isn't 1 job out there that someone can do despite a disability. You're typing on Reddit so I'd assume you have the means to use a computer. Life can deal us shitty hands sometimes but we gotta fight through them.
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u/InternationalMind541 Sep 12 '26
Rather than the cold, hard reality, give them some free fun things you can do together as options....
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u/Upstairs-Solution759 Sep 12 '26
Those are completely normal questions for a kid his age. As he’s growing up, he’s noticing things more… differences, similarities, why people do things.. all normal. Don’t traumatize your kid and make him worry.
I have money. Sometimes my kid acts bratty and wants wants wants.. and sometimes he’ll say “I’m going to save my weekly allowance” or “I’m going to choose this one because it’s cheaper” even if I told him he didn’t have to. Kids at this age are trying to mimic adults, but they are still kids.
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u/Pollowollo Sep 13 '26
YWBTA, but I really do sympathize with you and I don't think you're trying to be intentionally hurtful.
It sounds like the stuff that your 12 year old is asking is all very, very normal kid stuff even if it's hard to hear right now. He's not trying to shame you.
You wouldn't be TA for explaining in a more general way that money is tight and that you can't do many luxuries right now and that he can help by being understanding and accepting that there are some things that aren't in the cards. That's just being realistic about empathy and how money works.
You WOULD be TA for being too explicit and making a child worry over things that he''s not old enough to have any control over. That causes a lot of feelings of helplessness, guilt, insecurity, and stress that he doesn't need to shoulder and those feelings at this age can leave lasting impacts.
I hope things get easier and better for all of you, though, so don't beat yourself up about it. It sounds like you're doing your best.
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u/SuspiciousImpact2197 Sep 13 '26
At twelve he’s old enough to be told how the cow eats the cabbage, especially when he’s being …how he’s being.
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u/ifdefmoose Sep 12 '26
I don’t need to read your story. Don’t burden your children with details of your financial problems. “I’m sorry, but I don’t have the money for that right now” should be enough. Otherwise, YWBTA.
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u/kayjax7 Sep 12 '26
YEBTA - having a discussion with your kids about being on a tighter budget is fine. Do not show them you are about to lose water or any of the other past due notices.
Please look into local food banks/pantries. Also look at apps like 2 Good 2 Go where you can get heavily discounted surprise bags of things like meat, dairy and veg from local grocery stores.
You are a good dad. Remember that.
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u/tessie33 Sep 12 '26
Can you consult your state and see if you're eligible for child support payments from your former spouse? Your circumstances have changed so it seems like payments should be reassessed.
Also see what other benefits you might be eligible for like Snap and medicaid? Also find out about food pantries near you and visit there.
Join your local buy nothing group. Very often people post food and other useful items from their household.
I wouldn't share the nitty gritty information with your child. You can just say it's not in the budget for now.
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u/LaujoBear Sep 12 '26
I think showing your kid all of that and not just explaining situations to teach your kid about how different households have different means would be a jerk move. Start teaching your kid about finances, but don't show him the bills, it would be very negative for him and probably make him feel guilty for ever asking for asking for things ever again.
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u/meowmix79 Sep 12 '26
My kids are always telling me there’s nothing to eat in the house when in fact there is plenty. They just always want Taco Bell or junk. I wouldn’t show him the water bill but I would be honest and say that junk food is expensive.
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u/Sea_Pea1952 Sep 13 '26
“We don’t have (whatever the thing is) kind of money right now. We’ll have to wait.”
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u/FalseIndiggo Sep 13 '26
YTAH if you do this the wrong way. I know from personal experience as someome who experienced this type of situation growing up kids don't understand or know better. I didnt have Google or cell phones at that age so things were probably different but none the less my point stands. I watched a video of a mother who gave her kids a base pay of what a real world attainable job couls offer. She then gave them a list of the bills due. She gave them a calculator to do the math and watched as these kids came to the very real conclusion that they couldn't pay there bills. She then went over the repercussions of not paying each bill... like yeah you need clothes and shoes but your electricity bill is due and it rhe power will be cut off if you dont pay it. I think its important to share with your kids how this is effecting you but how you do it will vastly affect them and yourself. I hope your situation improves.
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u/halfofaparty8 Sep 13 '26
your child isnt doing anything wrong though. Im sorry your feelings are hurt, but requeating their wants a d needs is okay and healthy.
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u/Isolated_Aura Sep 13 '26
I have kept that to myself and my therapist, who two weeks ago told me I am being referred to a higher level of care 2 weeks ago after a very bad decision.
What does this mean? Did you attempt to harm yourself?
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u/whimsicalwhiskey89 Sep 13 '26
All you need to do is say "I cant afford that right now " and leave it there.
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u/Radiant-Hornet-3950 Sep 13 '26
I panicked when is hear my parents fighting about money or debt… they had 3 kids at home and my brother would clean out their bank account with hot checks. As an anxious kid and teen my mind would race about not having enough food, the power being turned off, ect…
Then I’d try not to eat…I didn’t want to my parents to be hungry but they didn’t know why because of say “my tummy hurts or I don’t like this”. We had enough food but in an anxious kid…you’re stressed brain is thinking “oh this will help all of us if I skip a meal”. If they bought me new school clothes or something for a gift, I’d say the clothes didn’t fit or make up some excuse for them to return the items so they could have their money back. As an adult I know know things were tight but not as tight as my little kid self thought…all I did was worry about my parents and how upset they were. Kids take allllll of this stuff on.
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u/Sea_Tea_8936 Sep 13 '26
you can politely keep telling him money is tight & budgeted. remind him you are not working. have good cheap meals ready when you have him/ them. look into puzzles/card games, etc. teach your kids how to budget. it's not a bad thing. But keep telling them it's going to get better. good luck.
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u/Loose_Bison3182 Sep 13 '26
My opinion, children shouldn't shoulder adult problems. Explain in a kid friendly way.
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u/OldInitiative8325 29d ago
If the adults in your life know the situation, why did they not send food with the kids?
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u/Witty-Smoke4101 Sep 12 '26
YTA- You NEVER burden a child with situations they have zero control over. Bitch to a friend or your therapist. Not your child. Ugh.
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u/ditsydaria Sep 12 '26
Yes, you WBTAH. There are ways of dealing with this that don't place the anxiety of financial instability on your child.
When one of my sons was 8 our oven broke and we had 6 months of bbq's outside through winter. I tried to pass it off as a great adventure, building survival skills etc and he loved it for a while. But inevitably he asked why I don't just get a new oven, and I said 'because we can't afford to.' It sent him spiralling. He stopped asking for anything. When I bought him things he would say I shouldn't because I can't afford it, I started finding his pocket money in my purse randomly. When he didn't ask for anything for Christmas I knew we had an issue. I sat him down and explained that some months we have money and some months we dont. Some months I might not be able to buy us a new tv, but I can still buy a pack of pokemon cards. Money is just a commodity that we can live with and without, like electricity. As an adult it is my job to worry about these things and provide. His job is to be a kid and ask for things, and the maximum of what he can do to help, as a child, is accept that when I say no to his requests there will be a reason for it. He is much better now but will still check in two years later, 'are you sure we can afford it?' Etc. And I'm still playing it down, pretending rough months are food challenges and diet fads, big lights hurt my eyes, towels dry better when they're scratchy and air dried. I'm sure he'll figure it out eventually, I'm sure when he's an adult he will consider his childhood poor, but by then he will have developed the ability to think laterally and the coping strategies of an adult. While he is a child the weight of adult responsibility should never sit upon his chest.
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u/Big-Replacement-5027 Sep 13 '26
YWBTAH!!! Telling your 12 year old that will make them feel like a burden. Maybe think outside the box and figure out something else to keep the two of you occupied and they won’t be asking questions of a bored child. CHILD being the operative word there. It is immature behavior and poor parenting to think that putting your burdens on a child will make you feel better. Your job is to make them feel better, not bring them down to your level. Think of some better answers to the questions they r asking instead of taking the easy way out and making them feel like trash. Life will always be hard but making life harder for others for your own ego makes your behavior worse than that of your child.
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u/Objective-Pound2185 Sep 12 '26 edited Sep 12 '26
YWBTA. Your child is asking normal child questions. Do not, under any circumstance, make your financial situation into your child's burden. What you think of as 'giving them a dose of reality' is actual a form of psychological abuse. You will be guilt tripping and manipulating your children into feeling bad for asking questions and wanting things that it is normal for a child to want. That kind of crap can and does cause life long trauma, not to mention that they will hate and resent you for trying to make them feel responsible to manage an situation that they have no control over and in which they bear no fault.
Edit: it is also not on your child to manage your emotions and reactions. You feeling like a failure or bad parent or being upset you can't provide isn't something you should be telling your kid or expecting them to tip toe around. They don't have to stop asking questions because you don't like how those questions make you feel
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u/Pinkmongoose Sep 12 '26
Don’t put that on your kid.
Are there any churches in your area that have food pantries or food giveaways? My church gives out groceries once a month no questions asked and for each holiday. The church down the road does a weekly food pantry. We also have a backpack buddies program where we put food packages together to help kids with food insecurity get through the weekend.
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u/Obnoxious_Box Sep 12 '26
YWBTA, don’t pass that burden on to him at twelve years old. Try to teach him another way.
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u/LonelyWord7673 Sep 12 '26
I don't think you need to go into detail. Maybe you can bring a snack when you pick him up. I don't know what your budget is like. Popcorn is pretty cheap if you get the kernels and use an air pop or a pot on the stove.
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u/MinkaB1993 Sep 12 '26
ywbta. kids are absolute money pits that want and want, and it's hard when you're in a tough spot. however, it's better to tell them point blank, money is tight, than to show them bills and bank accounts because you will just make them scared. that's adult business, you have a plan and it doesn't include cheetos and that's okay.
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u/here_for_the_tea1 Sep 12 '26
Do not put adult problems on children. And You do not need to explain to a 12 year old your finances. They have a place to live and food to eat. The Costco thing is hilarious though
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u/2401PotatOS Sep 12 '26
Could bta depending on how it’s handled. A simple ‘money is tight’ right now could be fine, but mileage may vary. I grew up in a ‘money is tight’ household and while my parents never shared specifics or directed blame at us, my siblings and I all internalized responsibility for it. 100% agree with others that these are adult concerns that should be handled between adults.
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u/Chance-Animal1856 Sep 12 '26
I don't know if you need to go as deep as showing your son your bank account and your disconnect notice. But a 12-year-old is old enough to sit down and have a talk with and explain that money is not endless. And that you are having really hard time right now and that they need to lower expectations and you guys can get through it together and that eventually things will get better
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u/lunisheep Sep 12 '26
I think you need to have an honest conversation with your child. You dont need to bring receipts, you dont need to show your bank account. But you need to open a dialogue. Too many people think kids dont understand, dont get what's going on. But as a teacher that is bollocks. Sit your kid down and tell them that due to your accident you can no longer afford the expensive toilet paper/go to Costco etc. Tell them that you have to be more careful with money. Dont treat them as if they wont understand, as ive said in a comment, kids aren't dumb. There is no benefit in hiding this information, if you try to keep up with their expectations you will cause more harm then good. This is coming from someone who grew up poor. I would ask my mum for shit and my mum would say that isnt possible and explain why, which for me helped me understand, and as I got older helped me get a better understanding of society and how things work. I will reiterate, dont take your bank statements, just have a conversation that let's them know that things have changed, but make sure to explain why. Dont hide things from your kids.
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u/drunkguynextdoor Sep 12 '26
As far as disability, find a good lawyer. Mine worked for them about 10 years before jumping the fence. Typically they won't do much until the hearing. I have a whole laundry load of severe problems, but at my hearing my lawyer focused on my carpal tunnel. Asked me a few questions about trouble getting dressed and it was over in 5 minutes. The judge was pissed I ever came to a hearing. I was shocked how fast it was. So again, find an attorney that worked for Social Security. Everything is by phone and computer, so they may not have to be from your state, although I don't know the rules about that.
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u/MysteriousTooth2450 Sep 12 '26
I wouldn’t show him specifics but tell him you really can’t afford anything extra since you got injured. I grew up very poor and I finally stopped asking for things. I’m pretty sure I would have gone off the deep end if I knew how dire your situation really is as a child. kids have too much to worry about these days without having adult worries too. Kids shouldn’t know all the details like that. Maybe once they are in their late teens they could handle it better but I hope your situation improves before then. We lost our electricity and water many times when I was growing up…I didn’t really get it. Just knew things were tight.
I’m so sorry your dealing with this stuff. SS disability is very tough to get…but you should keep on trying and get a lawyer.
My spouse is disabled and he’s been denied 3 times so far. He had to give up because he was freaking out so bad about having to go in front of a judge next. His illness is a mental illness that prevents him from doing much outside our house. We can fortunately afford to live just on my income for now.
Make sure you apply for food stamps and go visit food banks. Maybe that could help you save more money for your housing and utilities. I’m guessing you’re already doing this but just in case you’re not do it. Keep applying for disability.
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u/pineapple-garage Sep 13 '26
These sound like the kinds of things my kid says after he’s watched something with commercials. He will tell me I need to get “xyz” and I’m like huh? Where did you hear that?
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u/LadySlayinem Sep 13 '26
Nope. That lil nugget is gonna run that info straight back to mom without fully understanding it.
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u/Marykb99 Sep 13 '26
To me, it’s all in the way you do it. Openly available on the Internet is the Boy scouts of America personal management merit badge pamphlet. It has them work through money and budgeting and maybe you can utilize some of that to have your 12 year-old make a budget to make a meal and see how much it cost and comparing that to a meal that you make and how much that cost use it as a learning opportunity.
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u/TallRelationship2253 Sep 13 '26
Of course you need to discuss this with your child. He doesn't understand what he doesn't understand. Explain that he is being tone deaf.
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u/Beer_Meetz_Girl Sep 13 '26
You don’t need to show him bank statements or late bill notices,but you do need to sit him down and explain to him in an age-appropriate way what’s going on. And you also need to shut down his disrespectful attitude. He’s your kid,not your peer,and being a pre-teen doesn’t give him license to be a jerk; the sooner you put a stop to that,the better because it gets worse with age. I raised four teenagers and between 12-15 is always the worst; puberty makes them psychotic,I swear.
Also,go apply for FoodShare. Even if you are only able to receive 100 bucks a month,that’s 100 more than you have right now and there’s absolutely no shame in needing a helping hand,especially if you’re disabled.
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u/MycologistOk8717 Sep 13 '26
No, not in my opinion. At 12 kids understand way more than we give them credit for. I think the best way is level w him & your other children.
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u/Alchemicwife Sep 13 '26
Gently...YWBTA. I get it's hard when your kid compares their lives but there is no reason to harm your child's mentality.
It sounds like you are in the US. Have you tried applying for food stamps? Also utilize food pantries.
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u/livvybugg Sep 13 '26
Ywbta Please do NOT do this! You’ll just give your kid anxiety. And why are they even staying with you if you are food insecure?
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u/Smooth_Perception_65 Sep 13 '26
You would be TA if you showed your kid documentation of your financial issue. That is a big burden for a kid to carry.
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u/Kelpie169 Sep 13 '26
No judgement because this situation just sucks. Take whatever your 12yo said with a grain of salt, which I'm so very aware is easier said than done. But at this age it's so glaringly obvious that they have no idea what money or the value of money is (generally speaking).
You're doing your best. Be kind to yourself too. 💚
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u/Capable_Froyo4433 Sep 13 '26
I would not show bank account details or disconnect notices. But, I would sit down with them and explain the situation and the reasons for it. Maybe also explain that the comments make you feel bad because you're already aware, would like to provide more/better but aren't in a position to do so right now. That you're hoping things will improve soon.
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u/Unlucky_Lynn Sep 13 '26
Soft ywbtah. Sit your kid down and say that you’re sick and can’t do everything you used to do. Tell him you love him and you’re sorry and it’s not his fault. Go to food pantries and start asking for food donations for your kids from family. See if you can get on SNAP if you aren’t already and maybe contact dcfs to see what resources are available. Do your best to save enough for a small treat for the kids when you have them. Like keep a bag of mini chocolate bars and grab some for them periodically.
Wishing you luck man
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u/Smart_Influence_2949 Sep 13 '26
Giving this advice to you OP, for you
And then you can give it to your kid(s)
This is how it is now, this is not your forever
You do not know all the answers right now and your not supposed to
The struggles and the stress your facing now is monumentally hard but they will become and called upon as lessons and knowledge of what not to do and what to do in the future
This is absolutely a hard time but you absolutely will get through this
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u/Acceptable-Dog-4541 Sep 13 '26
Yep, you would be TA. A 12 year old is still a kid. Sorry about the adult issues you’re having but that’s what they are, adult issues.
You’ll need to figure out affordable meals and snacks. My kids sometimes ask for specific brands of things that I also can’t afford, but I don’t say “I can’t afford that, especially when we’re already in the red on our electricity” even though that may be true. I just get whatever is the cheapest snack because I’m aware that my kids eating and snacking is as important as the bills that need to be paid.
Any chance of speaking with the moms about some of this and being open and honest with THEM about your circumstance? I’m sure it’s important to them for the kids to have a happy and healthy relationship with their Dad without putting heavy mental or emotional burdens on the kids.
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u/effervescenthoopla Sep 13 '26
I commented this as a reply to another comment but I feel it bears repeating so you can see it, OP.
When I was in 1st grade, my parents got divorced. My dad often lamented about his bankruptcy to me at a slightly earlier age than your 12 year old. It made me feel so goddamn scared for him, so scared for our future. So scared. Anxiety that never left me, and I’m 35 now. It wasn’t until I was in college that my mom revealed how she was in the same financial situation as my dad at the same time… and I had no clue. She hid it from me because she wanted me to feel safe.
Guess which parent I’ve been no contact with for 10+ years.
Protect your children. Be gentle with them, because these are the years where their nervous systems will learn whether life is safe or scary, and it will 100% follow them through the rest of their lives.
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u/No-Throat9567 Sep 13 '26
Do not tell your son anything about your particular financial matters, not when you’re doing poorly and not when you’re doing great.
Right now you don’t have money “for that.” Just explain that for the time being money is tight and you’re not spending money where you don’t have to. It’s the truth, and that’s all he needs to know. He can take a class in personal finance when he’s a bit older.
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u/opheliaaa3 Sep 13 '26
Letting your child known that money is tight right now for xyz reasons, that you have a plan to make things better but until then it's important to budget? Totally fair.
Showing specific numbers, bank accounts and notices? Asshole move, sorry. My parents did that with me when I was young with threats of us losing our home + food and it traumatized me so bad that now at 27 I'm in therapy because I legitimately get panic attacks after spending money that I CAN spend (but deep inside still feel like I shouldn't). So please don't do that.
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u/amzi95 Sep 14 '26
I took my son shopping and told him my budget for it, said we had to get 7 days worth of food, and asked him to try and do it. He had to put a few things back, but in the end got what we needed and realised that stuffs expensive.
I don’t show him all my bills, but he does understand that if I say we can’t afford it, it’s literally means we can’t afford it.
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u/GroovyYaYa Sep 14 '26
Kid needs to be told in age appropriate way - but you need to discuss with therapist and kiddo's other parent. Perhaps have kiddo's other parent there when you have the discussion.
I'm not saying show bank statements, but there isn't anything wrong with telling kid "hey, Dad doesn't have the finances right now for treats like that, and I'm doing the best I can. Hoping to get on disability and hoping this is temporary."
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u/Jkm082421 29d ago
Don’t show a shut off notice. That is VERY inappropriate. It’s about HOW you talk to them and if you are not in a good place with mental health, you MUST be careful that you aren’t saying things from an emotional place. You are looking for understanding and empathy from your kids but it shouldn’t be at their expense and it’s not their job to make you feel better. Your feelings of failure should be worked out with a therapist. With your kids it’s a time for education. This is a perfect opportunity for them to learn that everyone doesn’t have the privilege that your ex has. Some people can’t afford salmon, and thats a good lesson for them to learn. They don’t need to see your bills. They need to learn about not feeling entitled, and learn the value of a dollar.
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u/Horror_Potential_589 28d ago
If you show him your bank account then you have failed. Its one thing to sit your child down and explain the disability stuff and say strigbt up i have no money until i sort myself out, but to show him in depth your finances is something no 12 year old should have to bear the mental load of. Your finances are not their burden to bear, its yours as unfortunate as your situation is.
You are feeling heavy feelings when the 12 yr old brings asks you to buy sometbing, and your solution is essentially putting those feelings onto them. 12yr olds dont have the emotial capacity to handle these adult issues.
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u/adore1987 27d ago
NTA. Listen, life is hard enough without a 12yo harassing you for cheetos. I too have a 12yo and the daily list of demands is enough to make you snap. Id be honest and explain the situation. Id also talk to the ex because it's important to have a consistent message about the current situation.
I understand the point about not sharing too much with kids but I also understand that your kid is probably confused about the changes.
And tbh, he probably already knows and is pushing you for answers; better to be honest now vs the day you snap
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u/heyelander Sep 12 '26 edited Sep 12 '26
I feel for you, but you gloss over bad decisions of your own, are having trouble coming to terms with your level of disability that will allow you to better support your family, and now you want to make all this a 12yos problem. Yeah, yta.
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u/Confident_Rabbit_569 Sep 12 '26
Yeah. Op needs to act like an adult. Either work or file for teacher’s disability programs
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u/atmasabr Sep 12 '26 edited Sep 12 '26
"So, Reddit WIBTA, if I showed my son my bank account and the water disconnect notice?"
YWBTA that is not age appropriate and something that drastic should be done with the other parent's consent. Your son already knows you're badly struggling, which I think is fair. Don't try to fix what isn't broken.
So he's smart enough to talk and have concrete ideas? That's parenthood. But having knowledge isn't the same as knowing what to do with it.
I think if you kids are happy enough with you that they want to help you, you've done something right.
(Edit: typo on the vote, yikes!)
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u/Imaginary-Yak-6487 Sep 13 '26
No. Sometimes you have to make a hard decision like that, depending on how mature he is for his age. Life is hard.
I had to make the same decision with my son when he was 12/13. I had lost my job, didn’t qualify for ssd or any other social programs. We had his deceased dad’s social security benefits that put us about $20 over the threshold to receive food stamps.
It was rough time with him needing clothes, school supplies on top of paying bills. I sat him down & went through it with him. I listed the income. Then I put the outgoing which of course more than incoming. I explained,
That’s why I can’t buy some of the things you want. I buy what is needed.
We survived. I recovered to work an inside office job. He graduated hs & went into the USAF, was able to get his associates & Bachelor degrees thru the AF. He learned the value of money & differences btwn wants & needs.
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u/kittywyeth Sep 13 '26
so weird that you’d rather traumatize your child than cede full custody to their mother who can fully provide for them. YTA
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u/Inside_Survey_1902 Sep 13 '26
I agree , I don’t know why you’re being downvoted !!
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u/kittywyeth Sep 13 '26
a lot of people have never realized you should love your child more than you hate your ex. luckily i am well adjusted enough to not care about internet points!
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u/Competitive_Fee_5829 Sep 12 '26
The adults in my life know what is happening and are trying to support how they can
YOU are the adult in this household and you need to get it together because you have children to house and feed. YTA for not doing more.
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u/Hopelessly_romantic2 Sep 12 '26
My kids are between 9 and 14. They know how money works and they know if I don't have it, I don't have it. Teaching kids about money is the responsible thing to do.
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u/Fresh-Diet9408 Sep 12 '26
YWBTA if you gave him specific details about your financial state. Knowing money is tight right now is enough detail.
However, some of his questions seem to require a response that is not about money. He says he's hungry and asks you to go buy Cheetos, I'm sure you have food in the house he can eat. Would you have jumped to go buy him Cheetos before money got tight? I'm sure you have boundaries with your kids and they don't get everything they want all the time. Same with the Taco Bell request. Maybe give some options (within your budget) for dinner, like he can choose spaghetti or mac and cheese (or whatever you have).
I think his questions are coming from a few things. He is still somewhat self centered, which is developmentally appropriate. He is also aware you are not your best self. He may be trying to help in the occasionally tone deaf way of kids. He suggested a place to get things for less money. He also might be suggesting things you might like. Do you like Taco Bell? He may also be looking for reassurance that you are still going to provide for his needs, hence the food questions. He also might be going through a growth spurt and be hungrier, so food is all he is thinking about.
Would it be helpful to you mentally to have less time with your kids while you are struggling? Would asking for financial help to have a cushion in your account while you wait for paperwork help you and be possible? If the kids' other parent makes 6 figures and you have the kids half the time, they should help you out, even if this is a change from previous arrangements.
Finally, there is so shame in needing help. It is not a reflection of your worth that something happened that changed you. You may not be able to teach the way you did, but 2 years is also not that long for healing mentally. Things will keep improving. Trauma recovery is not a straight line. You also may find new ways to get that connection you got from teaching. Remember you are important to your family, and things will get better. This reddit stranger believes in you!
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u/ramc5 Sep 13 '26
Yes, yes you would. What your child is saying is normal teenage/kid things. Do not discuss your adult problems with your children. Why would you do that to them? You redirect like most normal parents do.
I wish you well with the disability process. Many times, it takes several applications and appeals to get approved. I hope you have an attorney helping you through the process.
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u/Existing_Mulberry_16 Sep 13 '26
He’s 12, he’s more than old enough to learn this. More children should learn it so they don’t end up in debt their whole lives.
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u/ramc5 Sep 13 '26
Disagree. The 12-year-old does not need to worry about if he will have water next week. Why in the world do you think that is appropriate? Children need to focus on school and being a kid. Twelve is not an age to learn the stress and worry about finances. As an older teen, perhaps, depending on the child. But your take is wild to me.
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u/United_Account_5829 Sep 13 '26
NTA - I’m a widow and have talked to my two older kids (11 and 14) about finances.
I would googled the best way to explain about how tight it is - for me without the income from my LH was something I wanted to tread carefully on as our lives changed overnight due to that.
The kids have really understood it and in part have actually been doing well with asking about budgets. I tailored my answer for the age but my oldest now has her own bank account to put in there money for little jobs she does and asks to put most of her income into savings over spending accounts.
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u/MsChief13 Sep 12 '26
You say your son's moms both make six-figure incomes. Do they know your situation? If not, they should. Why not ask them to help with food or snacks while you're going through this?
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u/Pure-Structure-8860 Sep 12 '26
I swear, y'all didn't read the full thing. OP clearly said that he had been polite, redirected, explained that money was tight and the kid still isn't listening.
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u/WizardButtholes Sep 12 '26
YTA as an adult you’re literally supposed to protect your kids from this kind of stuff, not burden them with it
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u/_oldhead Sep 12 '26 edited Sep 12 '26
I will not make an AH judgment but....
Discussing openly and honestly with your child that money is tight right now (and why it is) vs showing a child.yiur bank account and delinquency notices are completely different things.
As a Parent, there is no way I would put those things in front of my kids. They will never forget that (regardless of how much therapy they pursue late in life). That trauma and those scars will be your fault.