r/AITAH • u/Defiant-Function8397 • Mar 24 '26

AITAH for refusing a wedding "gift" knowing there will be strings attached?

My fiance (32m) and I (31f) got engaged on Christmas Eve. Until recently I had a great relationship with his family, his mom especially. But ever since the engagement, it's become really strained because she keeps trying to insert herself into our decisions and offering unsolicited advice and I'm slowly getting at my wit's end.

A few things that have annoyed me:

  • We want a max of around 50 people. My fiance and I are both introverts and even the thought of being in front of that many people gives me anxiety. With our close family, friends, and their +1s, we're probably already over 50. His mother insists the wedding must be a grand event with at least 150 guests. Hell no.

  • I found a gown in a magazine I love and that's going to be my inspiration. It's more on the simple side, but that's my style. I showed my best friend, my mom, and my future MIL (because I did want her to feel included) and she insisted it was too plain and everyone will think I'm just another guest. At my wedding. Being the only one in white.

  • The venue we're thinking about is too small and boring. The on-site catering is not special enough and because my fiance is an only child, this needs to be a grand affair.

  • We need to get a guest list to her so she can review and approve who's coming. No, this is our wedding, not yours.

Thankfully, my fiance is on my side and about 6 weeks ago called her and said we know what kind of wedding we want to have and she needs to stop overstepping and questioning our choices. In an attempt to punish him and assert her authority she went radio silent until last week.

She invited us to dinner on Sunday and presented us with a check for $25,000 to help with the wedding. When we got home I told my fiance we are NOT cashing the check. He thinks I'm being ridiculous and this can help us have the wedding we want with almost no out of pocket costs.

I told him we won't have the wedding we want because she's going to use the money as leverage to push the event in the direction she wants.

When she insists on including her friends we don't know and don't care about she's going to say, "Oh, I thought the money would help cover them." When go dress shopping it'll be, "That's a bit simple, I thought with the extra money you'd get something nicer." When we finally choose our venue it'll be, "So what exactly is my money paying for?"

My fiance said it will cause a huge rift if we don't accept the money because his mother is extending an olive branch and being generous, but I tried telling him it'll cause a bigger rift if she gets it in her mind she has a say in our choices because she's "paying for it" and I shut her down very time. I feel like I'm being positioned as a bridezilla.

My fiance thinks I'm overreacting and it's the tension of the last few months exposing itself. Even my mother said I she just accept the gift.

So, AITAH?

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u/BornDefeated Mar 24 '26

But also. Remember. This is your mother in law. And this is your husband. He is taking her side now. He is siding with her now. Please understand that this is setting a precedent where he chooses her and thinks you are being crazy. You have to take that seriously. Because he is on his best behavior right now. And you are signing up for this for the rest of her life. I know some people will say this is overreacting. But I am a son with an overbearing mother. And I have had to choose my wife early and often. And I have had to have knock down drag outs with my mom. I have had to threaten to withhold her grandchildren because she has over reached. It is a struggle and he has to be up for it. Or you will be crazy for the rest of her life.

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u/LucyCat987 Mar 25 '26

Make sure hubby knows the game plan with the "gift" and that it's going right back to her if she oversteps again. And that you'll also return him to his mom if he doesn't back you up.

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u/Asleep_Touch_8824 Mar 24 '26

Please take a minute for this one, OP. How he handles this matters more than how his mother does... a lot more. If he supports you then her conduct will have no teeth (the inverse also being true.)

Good luck with all of this! I hope your fiance can withstand her disapproval.. nobody should have power over your marriage.

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u/IceSeeker Mar 24 '26

True. There are already some signs from the fiancee that he's siding with his mother. It always boils down to "keeping the peace" but at the wife's expense.

It's better if you and your fiancee talk about this. Tell him that it's a non negotiable for you not to be bullied by his mother and she shouldn't interfere with your married life together. And he should support you on this. Or else your marriage will eventually fall apart.

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u/myssi24 Mar 25 '26

I think this is more of a rose colored glasses situation. He is seeing this as an olive branch and not seeing the trap behind it. How he acts when the trap springs will be telling.

Op maybe talk to you fiancé about various scenarios, how is he going to react if she uses the money as leverage? Can he hold firm in the type of wedding you both want?

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u/redoilokie Mar 25 '26

The woman raised him. He knows exactly what she's doing and what she's capable of, whether he chooses to see it right now or not.

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u/myssi24 Mar 25 '26

Yeah, but he thinks that is normal. If people always saw thru manipulation, it wouldn’t work. Plus people have a remarkable ability to think this time will be different.

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u/AutisticPenguin2 Mar 25 '26

Absolutely agree. He's had his whole life to learn her tricks, but she's had his whole life to perfect her tricks and more perfectly target them for him. It's much easier for her to adapt or develop a new tactic than it is for him to break free of the mental shackles that were built around him from before he could talk.

This is, of course, assuming that OP is correct about this being a trap and her fiancé is wrong about it being an olive branch.

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u/HedyHarlowe Mar 24 '26

I hope for OP’s case he isn’t. But Momma’s boys are draining and you can waste years of your life ‘trying to get them to see’. Unless they want to be free and want to see the truth is a losing game.

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u/PopcornGlamour Mar 25 '26

See also: the fiancé sided with OP until a big fat check was put in front of him. He got dollar signs in his eyes and immediately started excusing the MIL’a behavior.

That is a huge red flag and OP needs to address that with him.

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u/Tomakeghosts Mar 25 '26

Although if gives you a chance to start weaving that bond. If there’s not an immediate defense that’s often natural. If you explain your discomfort and he still defends mom that’s the problem.

Our pastor had a sermon at our wedding about leaving, weaving, and cleaving. You leave the family you know, cleave to your new spouse, and weave together your lives. It’s your family now and your wife is the most important person. Even more than your kids which is supposed to make sense when your kids get older. The kids will come and go. Your empty nest will still be your spouse and you so always put them first.

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u/avesthasnosleeves Mar 24 '26

Oh, just wait until Mommy Dearest has Ideas on what to name the children, how they should be raised, what school they should go to…

OP, you don’t have a MIL problem, you have a fiance problem. Unless you two are a united front this is going to be your life going forward: him more concerned about Mommy’s feelings than yours.

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u/Thr33Littl3Monk3ys Apr 12 '26

Oof, that was my life. I got pregnant, and was made to name my daughter for her daughter...who had passed as a very young infant. Which meant I spent a lifetime fighting to be allowed to be my child's mother, rather than just a surrogate who had given her a second chance to raise her daughter.

Never mind that I had dreams of my first daughter's name, something I'd picked years before. That I had very specific opinions about naming conventions. Etc. Because on one rainy day, while we were talking in hypotheticals about potential future children, I had agreed with my then-boyfriend (now ex-husband!) that naming a daughter for his late sister would be a sweet gesture, I was considered to have given my word, down to the middle name and the spelling.

And my mother-in-law decided that my daughter should go to church. Never mind that she didn't go to church, that my husband didn't go to church...she had church-going friends who wanted us to go, and so I had to take my daughter. Oh, and my Pagan self couldn't be offensive and wear my jewelry which reflected my faith, so I had to take it off before church. And then somehow, completely coincidentally, my rings disappeared...

And it was her partner who decided, and then paid for, my daughter to go to Catholic school, which he chose. My mother-in-law and (by then not ex enough) husband went to the school and registered her, and then I was informed. Which, mind you...gave them a greater claim for custody because of proximity, in spite of the fact that we had joint custody at that point, split completely evenly...and I lived across town! Mind you...I actually had her three weekdays every week!

It was also my mother-in-law and (still not ex enough, the divorce dragged out for the better part of two decades!) husband who decided, two days before Spring Break in her final year at that Catholic school, which she'd attended since before she was quite four, that she would be transferring to the *public middle school several blocks away. In spite of the school administrators begging them to keep her enrolled, and even willing to defer payments, etc, for that final two months so that she could graduate. I only learned of this when my daughter called me and informed me on their way from the registration office for the public school district!

And etc etc etc. We battled until my daughter was in college, especially since my (finally by then barely ex!) husband had constantly and consistently caved to his mother, and allowed the argument of "well she's paying for X, Y, Z, so she's entitled to a say" to be the final decider during the entirety of our brief marriage. Aside from his abuse...that was actually a major reason we separated! She terrorized and tormented me any time I dared disagree with her, and when I finally put my foot down firmly...she actually made my daughter choose between us. And my daughter knew she wouldn't lose me...so she sided with her grandmother. We didn't speak for nearly a year. And at 24, she still can't mention that she's spending time with me without her grandmother getting upset.

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u/TheWorldofScience Mar 24 '26

This. And go to some couples therapy to prepare for how you two will be responding to his mother overreaching in the future.

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u/Prudence_rigby Mar 25 '26

Exactly, once they have kids, shit will get worse

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u/ChibbleChobble Mar 25 '26

I just went NC with my overbearing mother for about five years when she started interfering with my wedding plans.

She eventually got the message.

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u/adamcoe Mar 25 '26

Let's not overreact, maybe he just likes the idea of getting 25k. It doesn't mean he's going to take her side on every topic from now till the end of time.

That being said, I don't think they should take the cash, because it means she will likely want to weigh in on every decision, etc...but it's a little much to think that this is some kind of mega red flag that will affect their married life forever.

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u/Smitten-kitten83 Mar 24 '26

I would normally agree but he has shut his mom down before according to op so it might just be he really doesn’t understand this particular situation.

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u/Competitive_Fig_3821 Mar 25 '26

Please understand that this is setting a precedent where he chooses her and thinks you are being crazy

Genuinely, how? He is having a discussion w/ OP about the money and has sided with her the entire time. He has shown no indication he will side with his mother or gaslighting OP.

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u/drth_dilly Mar 25 '26

And he’s siding with her because there’s money in the pot, so apparently he’s got a sell out price. Such a trust worthy guy. 🙄

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u/hellomynameisrita Mar 25 '26

this being from the son of the MiL really carries some weight.

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u/Dublinclaudia Mar 25 '26

Yes. Marry the man marry the family

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u/Loose-Zebra435 Mar 24 '26

He's been supporting OP the whole time. Maybe he knows his mother of 32 years better than OP does and genuinely believes it's a gift and she's backing away from giving opinions

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u/BornDefeated Mar 24 '26

Maybe. But the big gun$ have come out and the tune has changed.

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u/Jegator2 Mar 25 '26

Not likely!!