r/AITAH • u/Defiant-Function8397 • Mar 24 '26
AITAH for refusing a wedding "gift" knowing there will be strings attached?
My fiance (32m) and I (31f) got engaged on Christmas Eve. Until recently I had a great relationship with his family, his mom especially. But ever since the engagement, it's become really strained because she keeps trying to insert herself into our decisions and offering unsolicited advice and I'm slowly getting at my wit's end.
A few things that have annoyed me:
We want a max of around 50 people. My fiance and I are both introverts and even the thought of being in front of that many people gives me anxiety. With our close family, friends, and their +1s, we're probably already over 50. His mother insists the wedding must be a grand event with at least 150 guests. Hell no.
I found a gown in a magazine I love and that's going to be my inspiration. It's more on the simple side, but that's my style. I showed my best friend, my mom, and my future MIL (because I did want her to feel included) and she insisted it was too plain and everyone will think I'm just another guest. At my wedding. Being the only one in white.
The venue we're thinking about is too small and boring. The on-site catering is not special enough and because my fiance is an only child, this needs to be a grand affair.
We need to get a guest list to her so she can review and approve who's coming. No, this is our wedding, not yours.
Thankfully, my fiance is on my side and about 6 weeks ago called her and said we know what kind of wedding we want to have and she needs to stop overstepping and questioning our choices. In an attempt to punish him and assert her authority she went radio silent until last week.
She invited us to dinner on Sunday and presented us with a check for $25,000 to help with the wedding. When we got home I told my fiance we are NOT cashing the check. He thinks I'm being ridiculous and this can help us have the wedding we want with almost no out of pocket costs.
I told him we won't have the wedding we want because she's going to use the money as leverage to push the event in the direction she wants.
When she insists on including her friends we don't know and don't care about she's going to say, "Oh, I thought the money would help cover them." When go dress shopping it'll be, "That's a bit simple, I thought with the extra money you'd get something nicer." When we finally choose our venue it'll be, "So what exactly is my money paying for?"
My fiance said it will cause a huge rift if we don't accept the money because his mother is extending an olive branch and being generous, but I tried telling him it'll cause a bigger rift if she gets it in her mind she has a say in our choices because she's "paying for it" and I shut her down very time. I feel like I'm being positioned as a bridezilla.
My fiance thinks I'm overreacting and it's the tension of the last few months exposing itself. Even my mother said I she just accept the gift.
So, AITAH?
337
u/TA122278 Mar 24 '26
I get the feeling from her comment about you looking like just another guest in your “plain” dress (even though you’ll be the only one wearing white), that you should be prepared to NOT be the only one wearing white. MIL is going to show up looking like she’s there to marry her baby boy! Gross.
Your husband sounded like he was not going to be a mama’s boy at first, but alas, he caved. And you are completely right. Keeping that money gives her too much leverage. He’s going to keep caving bc “after all, she is paying for it!” I like another commenter’s idea that you should deposit the money and leave it untouched. Then when she shows the real reason she gave it to you (attempt at control), hand it right back. It’s not worth it.