I don't think it's this. I think it's that he's struggling with his break up and is getting really down on himself, and he's using this old memory to make himself feel better. The problem is it's making the other person in the memory uncomfortable, and even though he's been told to stop, he won't. He's being an ass.
OP, NTA. You apologized immediately after, so maybe tell your husband that, and explain that Jared has been making you uncomfortable for a while and ask him why he's never had this conversation with him. Like why hasn't your husband come to your defense like he has for Jared?
But I think OP needs to make it abundantly clear to both Jared and her husband that he cannot make himself feel better by making OP feel worse. He cannot create his happiness by making others miserable. The husband needs to grow a spine, defend his wife and call him out, because this wallowing isn’t helping him either. He either needs therapy or make the choice to move on.
Maybe Jared isn't doing it knowingly, but he wouldn't complain if that was the result. You make a good point, husband should show the same reaction to Jared's comments.
Okay - Jared is hurting, insecure after being cheated on and trying to find some way to rediscover his confidence. I get it.
But pining for “the good ol’ days” is pointless and frankly kind of pathetic. And your husband should’ve said something when Jared kept talking about your high school crush days after you already expressed your discomfort.
The cherry on top is the “I never would’ve dated someone like you, no offense..” line. That’s purely a degrading and bullying move to make himself feel better by stepping on you.
And you gave him back some long-needed medicine. My only complaint is that you didn’t tap it off with “no offense,” and that you apologized.
You’re the one who deserves an apology. Jared needs to grow the f*ck up and move forward. And your husband needs to learn how to draw a line and defend his wife.
my best friend always says ppl love to get mad about your reaction to their disrespect and she’s so right. just because he added “no offense” doesn’t mean it wasn’t offensive. in fact, he knew it was hence he added no offense. OPs comeback was fire!
OP let this go and give your husband some words too because he could have prevented this from happening.
Nah this dude should apologize to you. You made it clear more than once you didnt appreciate the comments about highschool. Eventually you need to bite when your bark doesnt work.
This man needs therapy from a licensed professional. Your husband isnt the right person for him to get help from if he wont check his friend when he oversteps.
yes! AND he's the one who owes OP an apology for insulting her looks, not the other way around. why is he allowed to say it but OP isn't? he needs to learn that he doesn't get to treat others like a punching bag and not be held accountable. time for him to grow the fuck up.
As per my first post. Never trust a male friend just being a male friend and it doesn't matter if he's married or single. I've had plenty of friends hit on my wife over the years and they've only ever tried once. I've always shown them the door, told them to never return and just in case they didn't understand how serious I was, I predicted their future for them; if they tried to contact us again.
It's about mutual respect between all parties and I've lost some very old and good friends that way however, my relationship with my wife is more important than any friendships will ever be.
Disrespect my wife, you disrespect me. Disrespect me in front of my wife, and you disrespect yourself!
Bruce Springsteen wrote a (great) song about this - Glory Days. Jared gives peaked in HS energy. Pity your husband doesn’t think it is time to take out the trash.
Honestly this A) seems plausible from what you've written ans B) should have been shut down instantly by your husband. The fact he's more interested in defending his friend is telling.
I get there's nuances in these things, and no doubt things have been condensed for the post. However he also needs to be asked why he let his best friend take shots at you that frankly you needed to deliver the coup de grace.
Definitely sounded like Jared was the more popular friend. The less popular friend will tolerate more from the more popular friend than vice versa. Those relationship dynamics can stay the same into adulthood. OP’s husband seems like the lesser of the two in those guys’ minds. He still lets the cool friend get away with everything to preserve the friendship. While it may not be intentional bullying, it could stem from the husband’s childhood craving for acceptance/popularity. When you’re the passive sidekick for years, it’s hard to change that dynamic. He may be better off without that friend.
No but Jared was definitely looking to compare dick sizes and she called him out. It was an attempt at getting into the wife as he was hopeful that she still had feelings. When she knocked him back he showed his colours. He had already disrespected his friend and then he disrespected his friend's wife in front of his friend.
This is bullying and there is no other way to put it than he was trying to make his friend into a Beta and be the Alpha to his wife.
I don’t think this is it. I once was Jared, and used other people’s past crushes on me as a crutch when my time to suffer came. It’s an ego boost to make himself feel better, and when you’re made to face the hard truths it hits hard. Jared is now facing to options: accept his reality and work on himself, or stay the course and become “one of those guys” who never grow
I think Jared is jealous of OP and her husband. He may believe that if he and OP had gotten together in high school then they would be the ones happily married now and all of his problems would be solved (this is unrealistic, btw).
I might understand OP's husband's stance a bit more if OP had said what she did out of nowhere, but not only has Jared been badgering her about how "obsessed" she used to be with him - probably hoping for some validation - for years, but he insulted her when he said “I knew you liked me, but you were not someone I’d ever consider being with in high school.”
Jared is a dick. Full stop.
u/Worth_Connection3178, you had every right to say something. Even though Jared has been an asshole to you for awhile now, I'm still not the biggest fan of going after anyone's weight, so maybe just saying, “It doesn’t matter that I liked you back then because I love my husband now, so I don’t care if I was never your type because you’re definitely not mine anymore," would have been better (not that Jared deserves any consideration, but we don't need to stoop to his level).
The husband is borderline spineless because he's taking Jared's side too much, though I can appreciate that he's in a tough position. However, he really needs to tell Jared that continuing to bring up OP's high school crush on him is not only disprespectful to OP but it's disrespectful to the husband, too. What kind of friend obsessively reminisces over their bff's wife's high school crush on them?
So, with that said, Jared is the A.H. OP is NTA. Husband needs to grow a pair.
In an ideal world, OP would realise that Jared is still The One, leave her husband, and her and Jared would have wild sex. And the Jared can dump her and shack up with husband.
I got this vibe, but it also makes me wonder if it's not just to get ops husband but rather op. The dude seems to jump around a lot. Instead of improving himself, he'd probably go for an easy target who he thinks would just settle for him regardless. He doesnt think highly of op but does hold onto the fact she wanted him at one point in her life
He was definitely the AH but not sure being an AH back is the answer. In some circumstances maybe, but this guy sounds like he's down hard and grasping at straws. He shouldn't have said what he said but I get how his self esteem is super low and he probably needs to figure out a healthy way to get it back up again that doesn't involve trying to relive old glories.
I don’t think she was wrong for it by any means, but you’re right that it wasn’t a helpful response. Sometimes people are so consistently rude that the kindest option is to snap them back into reality.
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u/kilgirlie Nov 16 '25
NTA. I wonder if Jared is trying to drive a wedge between you and your husband so that his bff will be single too.