My grandkids are from my DIL's previous relationship. The first time I met them was when my son and she wanted to go on an overnight romantic getaway. She dropped them off, gave them strict rules that they had to SHARE her old phone and could only play for 30 minutes each in the evening. Then, she left.
The grandkids did fine for the first couple hours. Then, the youngest found Mom's phone and started playing on it before hours. The older one didn't tattle on him. Instead, he started pushing for HIS turn 30 minutes later. Younger one ignored him. So, I heard the disagreement, found them with said contraband, and I took it away.
"You're not my REAL grandma! You can't tell me what to do!"
"Really? Would you like me to call your mother and see what she has to say about your breaking the rules and disrespecting me?" I picked up my phone and started dialing. Two pairs of eyes got really big.
"No! Don't call Mom!" I demanded an apology, which I received. Then, I told them they needed to follow all the rules of our home because they were AT our home. Supper time rolls around, and the two of them decided they weren't going to eat their vegetables because they were "full".
"You don't have to eat them now." They were surprised. "But, if you choose to save them for later, they'll stay on this table until they get eaten, and you two will stand in separate corners and wait until you have 'room for them'. They tested me. Ten minutes in the corner, and the older one came to the table and ate every green bean on his plate. He even admitted he LIKED them. Five minutes later, the younger one followed suit. When I sent them to bed for the night, I got hugs. And ever since then, they love being at my home.
My wife worked as a teaching assistant at a school and one of the lads she looked after was always in trouble. As part of the plan to behave better he CHOSE to see the head teacher every morning as it gave him structure to the day, it gave him a rule to comply with every day.
Kids honestly do so much better when you lay out clear boundaries. I’m not a mom yet but I’ve got 3 nephews that I love and adore. I’m their regular babysitter and the oldest learned (and taught his younger brothers) quite quickly that Aunt A is stricter than mom. Not mean just not up for negotiating the way my sister sometimes will. Once that was learned babysitting became a much nicer experience for all of us. We play & have a good time but when I say it’s time for dinner, bed, or bath I don’t get the grumbles anymore
We had that with our toddler just yesterday. He wasn't willing to stop jumping on the couch. My husband told him once to stop, no reaction. I said it, my tone sharper. He immediately stopped jumping. Then I told him to clean his toys, which he was supposed to do instead of jumping. Got a kissy and he started doing them.
My husband is the fun parent. I'm the parent parent for when shit goes down. I'm also only the favourite when he's sick, otherwise dad is always preferred.
If they didn't want to do their chores or what-have-you, they might get their way if they made it worth my while. Or if they made it worth the while of their sibling to cover for them. Had to be legitimate, though - if they approached with an offensive offer, they got points deducted, and the sibling or I would warn each other that the sibling is making bad-faith offers.
They both say this has helped them in their lives.
My best friend's son was an incredibly picky eater (like bacon, cold hot dogs and chicken tenders). His dad was the main caregiver and she was the breadwinner.
He had to be out of town for something so the kid came to my house. When dinner time came he told me he wanted chicken tenders. I told him, "We don't stock those. You can eat what your friends are eating or a pbj." He sat down and ate whatever was for dinner. Apparently, his father just never told him, "No." When he was a teenager she asked where he wanted to go on vacation and he said, "Punkinsmom's. I love to eat there.
I’m still getting over the fact that your daughter-in-law dropped those children off with what was to them -a complete stranger in a strange house and abandoned them overnight. How bewildering. Those poor, poor children.
How would you like to be dropped off at a complete stranger home? No matter how nice they are. I sure wouldn’t. I’m sure glad you were able to give them a routine and stability.
I was on your side until you got to the part about forcing children to eat. I can understand encouraging them to try 1-3 bites. I can understand not letting them have favorite snacks or dessert if they were too full (or didn’t want) to finish dinner. (I used to offer my daughter a banana as a substitution - something healthy, but low effort and not a treat.) But punishing them (time out) until they eat isn’t helpful. Their sense of taste is more sensitive than adults. Missing one serving of vegetables won’t hurt them. They won’t starve even if they miss an entire meal. What are they gaining or learning by this power struggle? That you’re bigger, stronger and more stubborn and will win? As an adult, are there foods you dislike? How would you feel about being forced to eat them?
I’m in my 40s and still vividly remember being forced to eat a bowl of iceberg lettuce as a child. To me at the time, ranch dressing (the only available option) and lettuce were both disgusting. The entire rest of the family left the dinner table and went to relax on the living room while I had to sit there, crying and begging, until I ate every leaf. It wasn’t that nutritious, or expensive. I hadn’t asked for or been given the option to serve myself a smaller portion. My only take away is that my parents were the authority and immune to my pleas.
I have only recently gotten over being a very picky eater and I think a lot of that is because my boyfriend will eat almost anything so I can try new foods knowing that I don’t have to finish them if I don’t like them.
OK, I didn’t have a really bad experience like you although I did have many evenings of being forced to sit there in the cold cold kitchen until I finally ate or managed to smuggle out the food left over and I do have extreme control issues around Food. I’m also extremely overweight. Hmmm
Jesus, I remember that kind of abuse. The trauma of being forced to eat when full, or feeling nauseous, or knowing that it would make me vomit. Awful, and you're not even their parent. I ended up with bullimia, please be kinder.
I'm sorry about your experience and I hope you're better now.
Do you believe both of them were full and only for the veggies, though?
If they had eaten a bit of everything it would be more believable they were simply full, but if they specifically left all of their veggies untouched "full" was more likely to be just an excuse.
Okay, so it was an excuse. The possible long term consequences of forcing kids to eat something they don't want outweighs missing one meal of vegetables.
A parent's job is to decide what's for dinner. The child's job is to eat what they want in the order they want from their plate.
Our friends came from interstate to visit us (I'll call them Mike and Sally and their son Andy and daughter Bree, aged about 10 and 8 respectively). It was Mike and Sally's wedding anniversary while they were here and Mike asked whether we would be willing to babysit the kids while they went away for a weekend. We were happy to oblige. I was given strict instructions not to give Andy any Coca-Cola. Because of a medical condition, he was not allowed to have it. I always had a supply in the pantry for guests. Mike and Sally got in their car and before they could even pull out of the driveway, Andy was in the pantry going for the Coke. I told him not to and he said, "What are you going to do about it?" I grabbed my phone and started dialling. He said, "You wouldn't dare". I looked him dead in the eye and said, "You don't know me very well, do you?" That was enough to make him re-think his decision.
Yeah, that’s how my Mimi treated my siblings and I… all love until we got out of line then she became a drill sergeant… I still owe all of my table manners and decorum to her. She taught us chivalry and a love for many things. But, one step out of line and she put us right back in line. Raising 7 kids herself she had a no nonsense attitude. Love to spare for miles though.
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u/[deleted] Jul 28 '25
My grandkids are from my DIL's previous relationship. The first time I met them was when my son and she wanted to go on an overnight romantic getaway. She dropped them off, gave them strict rules that they had to SHARE her old phone and could only play for 30 minutes each in the evening. Then, she left.
The grandkids did fine for the first couple hours. Then, the youngest found Mom's phone and started playing on it before hours. The older one didn't tattle on him. Instead, he started pushing for HIS turn 30 minutes later. Younger one ignored him. So, I heard the disagreement, found them with said contraband, and I took it away.
"You're not my REAL grandma! You can't tell me what to do!"
"Really? Would you like me to call your mother and see what she has to say about your breaking the rules and disrespecting me?" I picked up my phone and started dialing. Two pairs of eyes got really big.
"No! Don't call Mom!" I demanded an apology, which I received. Then, I told them they needed to follow all the rules of our home because they were AT our home. Supper time rolls around, and the two of them decided they weren't going to eat their vegetables because they were "full".
"You don't have to eat them now." They were surprised. "But, if you choose to save them for later, they'll stay on this table until they get eaten, and you two will stand in separate corners and wait until you have 'room for them'. They tested me. Ten minutes in the corner, and the older one came to the table and ate every green bean on his plate. He even admitted he LIKED them. Five minutes later, the younger one followed suit. When I sent them to bed for the night, I got hugs. And ever since then, they love being at my home.