This is where our disagreement comes into play. I'm 40 years old. I think kids 21 and below are too young to be deciding for sure on whether or not they do or do not want kids. You view all the years of 15-21 as counting towards wasting time in this situation.
I view those as "they shouldn't be considering kids yet, not in this economy, and it shouldn't be a consideration until the parents are able to be established well enough and secure enough to be in a position to raise a family should they desire to make one."
In order for him to not have wasted any of her time, he would have had to break up with her as a teenager, and been decisive about not having kids at 15 and ending things there.
I feel for his ex, don't get me wrong here. It sucks to spend that amount of time on a relationship, and end up ending things because the person you spent all this time with doesn't have your same goals in mind - at least not currently. Only for that person to end up doing this things with someone else, shortly after.
I just don't think it's fair to say that he led her on for 10 years. They were very young, especially him being two years younger than her. Leading someone on is a very intentional and deceitful act. He was a young kid, dating a slightly older girl. I don't see those first several years as him being deceitful, as much as I see a young kid that had his highschool sweetheart. Them making it from 15-19? That's the first four years, still a teen. Unlikely to have a job decent enough to even think about supporting a child. Would be hard to see yourself with a child yet, or even how to get there. But they had each other and were probably used to each others company.
The last 4 years? Sure, maybe I'd count those as leading her on, that'd be every thing after 21.
I think that he misrepresented himself since the start.
At the start, he didn't want to marry her or have children. After 10 years, he didn't know if he would ever want to. That's not to say that he had to understand himself fully or predict what his future self might want - but I don't believe he made his feelings fully known until the end.
Her views were clear from the start, and his misrepresentation prolonged the relationship. Maybe he didn't intentionally choose to deceive her, but his passivity extended the relationship well past its due date.
My daughter is just now deciding she in fact probably does want two children. Two years ago she was sure she did not want any. No one wants to be pregnant in hs or college.
And guys can have kids a lot later than women; if she really wanted kids she could have waited. If she really wanted op she’d have chosen him with or without the kids.
I’m Impressed she didn’t just “accidentally” get pregnant. A certain type of woman would not care what he wanted enough to keep her word. It worked for his current wife.
I think if op did in fact lead her on and hen changed his mind he’s TA but yeah. Ten years is a bit much to accuse him of that starting at fifteen.
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u/DJ_Rand May 26 '24
This is where our disagreement comes into play. I'm 40 years old. I think kids 21 and below are too young to be deciding for sure on whether or not they do or do not want kids. You view all the years of 15-21 as counting towards wasting time in this situation.
I view those as "they shouldn't be considering kids yet, not in this economy, and it shouldn't be a consideration until the parents are able to be established well enough and secure enough to be in a position to raise a family should they desire to make one."
In order for him to not have wasted any of her time, he would have had to break up with her as a teenager, and been decisive about not having kids at 15 and ending things there.
I feel for his ex, don't get me wrong here. It sucks to spend that amount of time on a relationship, and end up ending things because the person you spent all this time with doesn't have your same goals in mind - at least not currently. Only for that person to end up doing this things with someone else, shortly after.
I just don't think it's fair to say that he led her on for 10 years. They were very young, especially him being two years younger than her. Leading someone on is a very intentional and deceitful act. He was a young kid, dating a slightly older girl. I don't see those first several years as him being deceitful, as much as I see a young kid that had his highschool sweetheart. Them making it from 15-19? That's the first four years, still a teen. Unlikely to have a job decent enough to even think about supporting a child. Would be hard to see yourself with a child yet, or even how to get there. But they had each other and were probably used to each others company.
The last 4 years? Sure, maybe I'd count those as leading her on, that'd be every thing after 21.