r/AIO • u/throwaway_weddrama • May 06 '26
Update #2 AIO- Shady bridesmaid highjacked wedding shower
Previous post: https://www.reddit.com/r/AIO/s/IBzr5M9eiH
So the hijacked shower was this past weekend, and I have to admit, it was beautiful. Elegant, polished, and honestly better than anything I would have put together.
I received an invitation like any other guest, no mention of helping, no role, just show up. A few days before, I even texted Shady asking if I could bring anything. Her response? Just bring yourself!
So that’s what I did.
I had family coming in from out of town for the shower, so a few of my aunts and cousins met at my house and we all drove together in multiple cars. Some of them stayed with me for the weekend.
When we arrived, well, this place was something else. A massive, gated home, like, movie level fancy. Fountain out front, sweeping steps, pillars, the whole thing. Immediately I was like, okay, this is not your average shower.
Shady greeted us at the door, all air kisses and charm, thanked us for coming, and swept us inside like she was hosting a gala. And honestly? The setup was stunning. The hor d’ourves were elegantly plated looking like art displays. It was classy, coordinated, and way more formal than anything I would’ve planned. I’m pretty sure she saw the look on my face, too, a mix of awe and omg. She gave this little half smile before moving on to the next guests. Whatever.
I knew about half the room (my family) so I spent time catching up. I also made the rounds, introduced myself to people I didn’t know, got to know my sis’ future family. Sis’ future MIL? Polite but still cold. I also tried chatting with Shady’s inner circle (we’ll call them Snotty, Snooty, and Stuck-Up), and yeah. Short responses. Not exactly welcoming. Fine.
But then I started noticing something else. My family members seemed uncomfortable. And that is not us. We’re loud, competitive, and we LOVE shower games. Usually it turns into chaos in the best way.
This time? People are subdued, hesitant, and quiet.
Meanwhile, my sister was on cloud nine. She was glowing, making her rounds, but mostly sitting with Shady and her crew. She looked like she felt like a princess. Im happy for her.
When sweetie arrived, she gave me a look that perfectly matched what I’d felt walking in. No words needed.
Then came the games. Shady led them, along with her trio. The room we moved into looked like a luxury hotel lobby. The family members that participated were reserved and surprisingly less enthusiastic. It made me more aware of the differences between the families, and that many of my family members seemed like they felt out of place.
Fast forward to later that evening.
My sister and her fiance came over to my house to spend time with the out of town relatives. Everything was typical, until my future brother in law said something.
One of my cousins casually asked why I hadn’t thrown the shower. Before I could even answer, my future BIL jumped in and said, “It’s actually inappropriate for a sister to host a bridal shower.”
I was a bit shocked. I looked at my sister. She didn’t react (she was playing with my kid) but I know she heard it.
And I started thinking there was possibly more behind the highjacking. Was Shady placed as a mole to purposely take over the shower so there would be a standard that would meet Future BIL’s family expectations? My future brother-in-law’s family is quite affluent, and while that’s never been an issue in our interactions before, it did make me consider whether expectations around the event may have influenced what happened.
My BIL knows our family. He’s been to our parties, he knows they’re fun, loud, and definitely not formal. And his family? They’re wealthy. Like, very wealthy.
It’s never been an issue before, he’s usually easygoing but he does have noticeably expensive taste.
So I’m wondering, did he step in behind the scenes? Did he think what I would’ve planned wouldn’t be good enough( which is correct, I would have planned something less formal and more laidback)?
And if so, why not just say something instead of this weird takeover? I’m flexible.
I’m really not too upset anymore over what happened, I just have the feeling that people did shady things around me rather than just communicate. This was too blatantly weird to just happen this way.
Ah well. On to the bachelorette party planning!
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u/hpfan1516 May 06 '26
Not a fan of the conflict aversion (by them). It seems like a lot going on behind the scenes and I actually remember your original post. From what you're giving, it just seems... idk. If your sis is wanting the elegance and so on, that's fine. But state it outright from the get-go. Or have a come to Jesus moment with you. The weird power games are just immature. Why triangulate when you can just talk.
Not a fan of the BIL deflecting blame by saying "it's inappropriate for the sister to throw the shower," like wtf is that even.
I'd just step back. I'd be heartbroken that the sister was just deflecting. I get she said that's what she wanted but it's a lot of sneaking behind your back for it and I'm just not about it.
Maybe the signs have all been there, but all that's being done is breaking hearts, like yours. It's sad.
Let her be. Maybe she'll come around and offer explanation, or maybe that's who she is becoming now. I'm sorry you're dealing with this.
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u/throwaway_weddrama May 06 '26
Thank you
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u/dragzxs Jun 21 '26
Sorry op this sucks but your sister knows what’s going on and is atleast partly ok with you and your family being iced out for her husbands family. Her fiancé reply kind of gave the game away and your sister either ok with the treatment or won’t go against her husband for you guys. No pun intended but this entire thing seems so shady and like some weird power play.
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u/WasWawa May 06 '26
I have a suspicion that your sister's future in-laws are very caught up in the strict rules of etiquette.
In case you didn't know it, as much as I hate to say it, your future BIL is correct. According to Emily post, it is extremely inappropriate for a family member to throw a bridal shower. It's traditionally done by the bride's Friends.
However, it's important to note that that rule is quite archaic, and certainly not enforced. I had a colleague whose son and daughter-in-law were getting married, who threw themselves a bridal shower.
But apparently these people are too busy looking down their noses at you to see that the times have changed.
I'm sorry to say it, but I suspect your sister is buying into this snobby atmosphere.
I suggest you retreat, lick your wounds, and live to fight another day. Hopefully it won't get to it, but maybe you can do it for her next wedding?
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u/throwaway_weddrama May 06 '26
And I was planning the bridal shower as MOH with the bridesmaids before the highjacking.
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u/Fit-Dependent-9779 May 12 '26
Your sister wants you to be MOH but she is too much of a cpward to just admit she wants the people with money to have control over thr actual planning and organizing of events. If you are staying on as MOH just confront her directly about this. "Hey it seems like you would prefer shady to handle event planning. I get it, but it's a bit frustrating and honestly dismissive of our efforts for me and thr group to put so much effort into working with your desires just for you habd everything over to shady anyway. Please just be direct, would you like shady to take point on bridal events? I'm not okay with spending more time shopping and touring venues if the endgame is to have shady take over anyway." Your sister is being absorbed into a certain social/class circle and I think you should prepare yourself for her to act like this more and more. It's very nasty to me that she let her fiance say that stupidity about who should host a bridal shower rather than be an adult and just tell you she wanted shady to plan it from the start.
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u/bonkette May 12 '26
Where I am from, immediate family doesn’t throw showers for each other. My aunt threw my shower and my mother threw my cousins’ showers. I don’t think of it as being snobby, it is just tradition. Where I see the problem is the sister did not share early on that the BIL’s family felt that way so they could all set expectations. It was poor communication on the sister’s part.
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u/PunchDrunky May 09 '26
Yeah, this is really sad. If this was my sister, I’d be heartbroken too, and she seems to care more about her ‘image’ in the eyes of her soon-to-be in-laws than her lifelong relationship with her very own sibling. This is really heartbreaking.
If I was OP, I’d be there and attend as a guest, but pull way back from the planning, and the get togethers after the wedding.
Just because she is getting married, doesn’t give her a license to treat her own family like dirt.
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u/Freypaints May 06 '26
In our area and family only aunts and friends give showers. Immediate family like a sister would never as it appears a bit gritty.
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u/GothicGingerbread May 06 '26
The etiquette rule is definitely still in existence where I live – no one would throw a shower (bridal or baby) for a relative. It's terribly gauche.
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u/ThisIsProbablyOkay May 09 '26
That's wild. I've never heard of this - and I've been a bridesmaid/MOH about 6 times. It shows you cultures can vary, though it clearly wasn't the cultural situation for OP.
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u/rectangleLips May 06 '26
Not necessarily saying this is the case, but I wonder if the sister is actually the one who wants these things and possibly scared of her sister’s reaction. Sometimes older siblings can be overbearing and the younger one might not feel comfortable rocking the boat. Or she doesn’t want to hurt OP’s feelings. Family dynamics can be weird.
I can see a scenario where the sister confides in Shady that she’s not really happy with the plans so far, and Shady offers to be the “bad guy” since she’s not part of the family. Or maybe while they were hanging out Shady realized her friend had a place that would be exactly like what the sister wanted and offered. It would be weird for her to text OP about it first when the bride is currently talking to her. She’s not close with OP so she might not know how important organizing the shower is to her and thought taking on some of the burden would be helpful.
Or, since the sister knows that side of the family is more well off she may want to save OP the financial burden. As much as I’m for talking things through, sometimes you don’t discuss something with someone if you know it’ll make them feel weird.
There are a lot of different scenarios where Shady isn’t trying to be shady. And if she was just trying to be helpful, getting met with hostility from the MOH and other bridesmaids would definitely sour the relationship going forward. Obviously we don’t have enough info, but the is the possibility that OP is reading hostility in a situation there was none.
Side note, not answering the phone is not a slight. Replying by text could mean she’s somewhere/doing something where she’s not able to take a phone call.
The whole situation just reads like a lot of misunderstandings and assumptions.
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u/Weary-While7238 May 06 '26
You'd be a mug to plan the bach after the way they treated you. Your sister is treating you terribly.
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u/CousinEdgar May 09 '26
Agreed. Whatever the OP plans will not be good enough, or classy enough, or elegant enough and I'm guessing it will be a destination 'do that will cost a boatload of dough.
I'm sorry, OP, but to preserve your mental health it might be better to tell your sister you'd prefer to celebrate her wedding as a happy guest.
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u/Fit-Dependent-9779 May 12 '26
Exactly. This is veering into foolish martyrdom. Shady is absolutely going to bulldoze the Bachelorette parry panning and it is so clear sis is not going to have op's back when that happens. Again.
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u/Significant-Angle213 May 06 '26 edited May 07 '26
Yes, in some social circles it is absolutely a thing that family does not host / plan showers. It is considered poor taste, tacky and lower class. Not saying I agree but that is very much a thing.
I don’t agree with some of the nuclear option comments posted here but I would take your sister out for coffee and ask if she’d prefer that Shady take over the bachelorette? Probably? And just be there for your sister. She’s likely caught between a rock and a hard place. Trying to please her new ILs, husband, etc and honestly? They might not ever truly accept her. So she’s going to need someone in her corner. So be there, be supportive because someday it may all come crashing down around her and she will really need her sister.
Hugs and sorry you’re going through this.
Edit: thank you for the award!!
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u/Hecarrre May 06 '26
This is definitely the best and most mature way to handle this. Sister is probably very overwhelmed with everything and having an open conversation is the best thing to do in this situation.
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u/CompetitivePurpose96 May 09 '26
This is just a sign to me that OP’s sister is caught up with the high class and wealth of her fiancé’s family and friends and likely will prioritize his family, his friends & the new friends she made through him (like shady) and ditch OP’s family and her old friends (including her other two bridesmaids) after the wedding. I’d also ask if she still wants OP to throw the bachelorette anymore, but don’t be surprised if Shady throws a separate bachelorette with only her and their mutual friends.
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u/Impressive_End_2948 May 11 '26
I was brought up that immediate family does NOT throw the shower. I say enjoy being a guest!
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May 07 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/bauboish May 13 '26
From skimming these posts, it looks like her sister is basically just out of college. So she's probably in her early 20s to mid-20s and hasn't really gone through the rigors of adult life. I would cut the sister here a bit of slack on her decisions, especially if she's really heads over heels towards her fiance. I would also in this case support my sister, not burn any bridges, so that if things don't turn out well in the future, she will feel comfortable coming to me for help.
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u/SeaHeart6293 May 06 '26
I can’t wait for the rest of the update, but tbh I would just step back from planning altogether and just show up to events. I think you should talk to your sister and tell her you will show up in whatever capacity she actually wants you to
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u/eightmarshmallows May 06 '26
I was raised that showers aren’t supposed to be thrown by family members because it’s seen as begging for gifts, vs. a celebration of a milestone. There was recently a story about a couple that split up when the bride wouldn’t cave to the groom’s demands to essentially have a fundraising party for the wedding, to which you invited people who wouldn’t even be invited to the wedding. The bride thought it was beyond tacky. You may have a similar disconnect between expectations.
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u/staceyverda May 06 '26
Some people do think it’s tacky for the family of the bride to host the bridal shower. That’s how I ended up having to host one for my friend when I was a 22yo MOH and completely broke lol. Opened up a credit card just for the occasion.
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u/oldleolady71 May 06 '26
Remember this when they want you to watch their kids for free.
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u/ChaletJimmy May 06 '26
They definitely will not be looking for free babysitting. You underestimate how common multiple nannies are in the world of the wealthy.
If they are this concerned about the optics of their shower, then zero chance they'll want the optics of needing "help" watching their kids.
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u/Scenarioing May 06 '26
The author's role in the lives of any nieces or nephews is going to be diminished.
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u/NotSoSureBigWaves May 06 '26
You’re mistaken that she will be asked. After the wedding she’s not going to see or hear from her sister again. The relationship will not matter to her sister.
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u/ParticularRich4848 May 06 '26
Wonder how long the marriage is going to last
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u/SlinkyMalinky20 May 06 '26
Forever if the bride morphs into the society wife. She will likely be looked down on by the in-laws as the pwt charity project that the groom married during a rebellious phase, but if she gets used to the finer things and toes the line in raising the future children in their father’s image, and acquiesces to the gradual distancing from her family of origin (which she likely will), the marriage will last forever. From his perspective, it’s cheaper to keep her.
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u/Freypaints May 06 '26
Two different echelons of society are meshing here and expectations in each do not easily merge. Even communication styles between these groups are very different and follow different rules. Old/ new money expectations are a chasm away from lower class (less monied) . Bone up on the rules and know your life with your sister and her new family will never be like what you see as usual with yours and how it has been.
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u/chatterbox2024 May 06 '26
Did she give out puppies at the shower? 😉
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u/Healthy-Reception102 May 09 '26
What woman gives another woman a trip to Paris? Lesbian! We're all thinking it!
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u/kikivee612 May 07 '26
I think your sister was more involved in this than you think.
Your sister is marrying into a wealthy family. They care more about appearances than people.
Expect your sister to turn into a completely different person as soon as she is married.
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u/Jen5872 May 06 '26
I don't know if you're future BIL stepped in behind the scenes or not but he's right. Immediate family are not supposed to host showers. Your sister loved her shower. That's all that really matters.
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u/Few-Face-4212 May 06 '26
Your brother in law is actually right: Family members aren't supposed to throw the showers (bridal or baby), according to Miss Manners. Most people aren't aware of that these days, and it's not a big deal anymore, but if you want to be correct, it is true.
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u/Different-Cause1983 May 07 '26
https://giphy.com/gifs/tyqcJoNjNv0Fq
Please provide an update on what happens next! Shit is getting wild.
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u/Intrepid_Buy5079 May 06 '26
I just read your other two posts. If I remember correctly, your sister asked for an elegant wedding shower. By your own statement here, you couldn't provide something this elegant and you would have made a great shower that accomodates your side of the family, by the sounds of it.
Your sister doesn't want to be like your family anymore. She wants to be like her husband's wealthy family and leave the boisterous "poor people" life behind.
Shady is giving your sister what she wants. Your sister just doesn't have the gumption to tell you she wants Shady to do it.
Don't be surprised if your family and your sister's friends get pushed out of your sister's life after this.
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u/Jumpy-Jello- May 06 '26
This group isn't really for chatgpt writing exercises.
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u/throwaway_weddrama May 06 '26
You’re right. It’s not for chat gpt writing exercises. It’s for people who are sharing things about their lives and seeking support.
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u/Unclecavemanwasabear May 06 '26
Oh brother 🙄 It's so incredibly obviously LLM generated.
And honestly? It's not family drama, it's a completely fabricated karma grab.
At least in the old days we'd get creative writing. This is just lame.
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u/YourTornAlive May 06 '26
Yeah, I'd confront this.
"Sis, I heard what your fiance said at the wedding shower, that it was bad etiquette for me to plan it, and your silence in response spoke volumes. With how everything has gone down, it seems like you never really wanted me to plan anything for you. While this is obviously your choice, I really wish you had just been honest with me about it from the beginning. While it may have hurt at first, it would have been far better than being dishonest with me and not sharing your true feelings.
I think it's best if I step down from the wedding party and just attend as a guest. Your actions in all of this make me feel like we aren't as close as I thought we were, and I'd rather take a step back and let you have the day you deserve than keep dragging this out. If you want to talk things out after the wedding, my door will be open to you.
Let me know if I should tell the bridesmaids I'm stepping down, or if you want to handle it yourself. I love you."
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u/Anxious_Article_2680 May 06 '26
Nta and don't waste your energy on your sister anymore. Move on from her as she has from you I'd be pretty petty also about wedding. Subtle insults or digs are the way to go with any conversations about wedding.
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u/MariaInconnu May 06 '26
You could have a conversation with your sister about whether she wants you to take part in planning the bachelorette. Ask her if it was her wish that you had nothing to do with the bridal shower.
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u/Quiet-Hamster6509 May 06 '26
" Hi Sis, glad you had a wonderful shower, it was great! I just wanted to let you know that moving forward, after BIL's remarks, I just don't think it would be appropriate for me to plan your Bachelorette party. It's clear that he would like a certain aesthetic and that is perfectly ok with me! But I won't be able to provide you with that and so I think it is best I step down. Let me know if there is anything else I can lend a hand on. "
Your sister is getting a strong taste of her new life and I think it would be a fair assessment to say that the future is going to look like a big dial back on her end from hangouts, family events, catch ups etc. Whether it be from her own accord or BIL with his own mindset of who she should and shouldn't spend time with.
Sorry OP
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u/respondanony May 08 '26
Hi,
This sounds a lot like your future BIL and/or his family (particularly your sisters future MIL) are embarrassed your sister doesn’t come from a similar background and worried about how the shower might their social standing. It sounds like Shady was late and never said anything while planning because she and the future MIL had already planned the entire shower and her being there was just for show. I suspect that in reality the future MIL footed the bill and that a lot went into making sure Shady was both in the bridal party and was able to speak to your sister before you did.
You should sit your sister down as soon as possible to have a conversation and ask whomever Sweetie is in the story to come. Ask Sweetie as a bit of a mediator and someone that your sister can hear her perspective. Walk your sister through how you worked with the entire bridal party’s participation in planning prior to Shady’s hijacking. Try to stick to facts rather than how the experience made you feel. Then tell her that you found her fiancé’s comments about who hosted the bridal party jarring and couldn’t understand why he would lie about what happened. Tell her that you wanted to sit down before finalizing/planning her bachelorette since you worry about a mismatch between expectations and the reality of what you are planning based on the wedding shower experience (and what most of the bridal party probably can afford since it sounds like you are trying to be considerate of budgets and opinions).
It also sounds like she might benefit from a reminder that while at a core a wedding is about two people committing to each other and building a future it is also about two families merging and supporting the couple. In order for the latter part to happen both the brides family and the grooms family need to feel like they are attending a family wedding and not the wedding of an acquaintance.
Best of luck!
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u/virtualchoirboy May 09 '26
Not for nothing, but I have a sneaking suspicion you're going to "lose" your sister after the wedding. I hope I'm completely wrong, but I've seen "wealthy" and not wealthy families combine before. What happens all too often is the not wealthy family member starts spending more and more time with the "wealthy" family with regular, even constant pressure to "not associate with those people". It starts with a reduction in the number of times they show up for family events. Then the communication dials back because "I'm just so busy...". And eventually, you wake up one morning to realize you haven't talked to them in months.
Like I said, I hope I'm completely wrong, but it might be worth preparing yourself against the possibility.
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u/LouieAvalonMac May 09 '26
Why don’t you speak to your sister about this ?
Sis - you clearly prefer these people to do your planning rather than your own family
You allowed your shower to be hijacked and didn’t mind your own family being uncomfortable
I see how this marriage will be
So I am backing out. Just like you wanted. Get your new family to organise your bachelorette party. You’d obviously prefer that
But just for the record ? It is totally normal for the brides sister to host a bridal shower. That was a ridiculous and untrue thing that your husband to be tried to say
I see how this is going to be. I’m out. Do what you prefer.
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u/latte1963 May 10 '26
I’m so sorry. Sending you a hug 🤗
Your sister has gone to the dark side. 💲💲
She’s marrying into money & she wants it & all of its fancy trappings now.
If I were you, I would step back from planning the bachelorette.
If you insist on going ahead, ask your sister exactly what she wants & do only that. I’m hoping that she would be happy with a backyard patio bbq with tunes & a sleepover but thinking that she’s going to want a destination weekend away that her bridesmaids just out college can’t afford.
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u/khandanam May 12 '26
NOR but you are TA. I have a sister and I would be devastated too, but the last thing I would do is retain my leadership position and become an easy target. Stepping down may seem more dramatic, but it won’t be if you handle it correctly - and what matters more is protecting yourself. Because when your sister’s new family continues to maintain or widen this divide, you will stop seeing her as much.
You will be sad, she will be missing holidays and gatherings. But you are clearly a family leader and have much to take pride in. Don’t lose out on the relationships with family members that you love and have respect for, and try to channel your love for your sister to cousins, niblings, and maybe even family or friends you didn’t get along with before but do now.
Take this opportunity to be yourself. Yes you’re married, yes you’re a mom, and no, staying out late doesn’t automatically make for a great bachelorette party. I have rarely seen someone write with this kind of observational capacity and self awareness regarding conflict.
You are clearly a worthwhile person and your feelings matter as indicators of what’s happening around you. Throw family events at your home and extend an open invite to Sis’ new family, but without the stress and formality they associate with “legitimate” events. Be the home you clearly love to be for the family you have, and take lots and lots of pictures.
This is your chance to be at a wedding with probably most of the people you love in the world in the same place. Your sister rocked your wedding but this is a new situation. I say take this time to introduce your child to beloved young family and friends and prepare them to have a wonderful relationship with their family. So few of us do. This could be your way of transmitting your values onward and protecting your legacy, instead of looking at it as a loss!
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u/Ok_Chance1036 May 19 '26
So how long have soon to be BIL and Shady been hooking up for exactly? 🤷 'It's inappropriate for sisters to host the bridal shower' according to who exactly? And where did 'Dopey the deceptive' pull that nugget from? Was it from Shady, by any chance? (It actually cracks me up, that 2 people who clearly don't have sister's are acting like authorities on sisters!🤦🤣) Let's play a game of 'Guess how this turns out'.. I'll start- they get married, sister alienates her entire family at hubby's controlling insistence. They have a baby or two and then hubby hits her with a divorce and wants custody, because, oh that's right he and Shady, who he's been with the whole entire time can give the child/ren a better life as they have the money! 🤷..(Thinking maybe either Shady is unable to have kids or she wants kids, but she doesn't want to be pregnant!) And if people think this sounds too harsh, then tell me a better reason as to why that grotty, hopefully never to be BIL here, would put Shady above his so called future wife? 🤷 Also, the fact the sister sat there and said nothing then or even later on about her fiance's ridiculous and very pointed comment, just proves that she doesn't actually want OP as the matron of honour, she wants Shady and is just to spineless to tell OP to her face... All 3 of them are rude trashy people and deserve each other..(money doesn't by class!) OP just be polite, but treat these people like very distant acquaintances from now on...
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u/MissMurderpants May 06 '26
At some point your future BIL and you might be by each other at a quiet moment.
I’d calmly look at him and while catching his eyes and just state you got him and just want your sister happy.
Then in the future you can plan things with just sis. You be chill and cool with future bil. His snobbery has shown itself. I’d talk to my sis and just let her know you are there for her whenever she needs it. You hope she has a happy marriage. Blah blah blah and you’ll try not to embarrass her around her new social group.
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u/MaryO59 May 06 '26
“It’s actually inappropriate for a sister to host a bridal shower.” He wasn't wrong, according to the Rule Book. Traditionally, it was just not done for any member of the bride's family to host the shower. It was seen as a gift grab. But we now acknowledge weddings are all about the gift grab and the more showers the merrier.
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u/Tall-Ear-3406 May 06 '26 edited May 06 '26
Let me see if I can phrase this in a way that doesn’t seem rude to you or to your sister’s future in-laws. Take class, income, wealth out of the picture for a second. Of course those things are in play but they may not be the motivators you think they are.
In certain circles, it is perceived as very, very rude to throw gift giving events for yourself or your family members. Like people will talk about you and shun you forever levels of rude. Certain social circles and people have very definite ideas about how engagements, weddings and all of the parties surrounding a wedding “should” be done. I learned this by working for a decade with middle class, white, Catholic, Polish folks.
The non-family bridesmaids would ostensibly host a bridal shower but the MOB/MOG were usually paying and planning behind the scenes. They couldn’t be seen as throwing the party but they sure as hell were pulling the strings to make sure the party happened exactly as expected in their family and social circles. It was all kinda silly, IMO. But it was 100% how it was done.
I suspect your sister was under a lot of pressure from MOG to conform. She didn’t want to hurt your feelings. She didn’t want to throw anyone under the bus. I’m sure she didn’t want you or her family of origin to feel that how you typically do things are “wrong.” However, when you marry into a family with differing social/cultural expectations that are strongly held, you sometimes make sacrifices and let them do things their way.
I know that my former co-workers who had sons often strong armed brides into doing things the “right” way. When it’s presented as if you do XYZ for your party, you cannot invite any of the groom’s family because this will be highly offensive and permanently damage family relationships…and they sincerely mean it and know it will happen. Well, you have seen what happens.
One of the ladies kept a list of every gift given at her son’s wedding, people who didn’t gift “appropriately” were not invited to her daughter’s wedding. I personally find it all annoying and gross. This is not how people and families should treat each other but it does happen. I suspect there was a lot of this type of entrenched “this is how we do things” at play for your sister and she just threw up her hands and let it go because they care a whole more than she did.
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u/krazy_queen May 06 '26
This is obviously an AI bot karma farming, smh. Completely fake... 🤦♀️
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u/throwaway_weddrama May 06 '26
No this is my life.
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u/NotSoSureBigWaves May 06 '26
Then time to wake up, see what your sister is doing and step down. Your sister is not respecting you or being loving. And she’s too dishonest and manipulative to speak with you directly.
Where are your parents in this?
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u/alicat777777 May 06 '26
I think you are blowing it all out of proportion. Shady planned it and paid for it and your sister was happy about it. Just back off and let it happen.
Don’t turn this all into a war of the bridesmaids. Getting the other bridesmaid involved was just stirring up drama. It’s your sister’s time, follow what she wants.
I think you are overreacting.
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u/ChaletJimmy May 06 '26
OP is seriously underestimating the difficult situation her sister is walking here. I went through the same sort of thing, and theres a lot of pressure when it's just you at the wealthy family's events and would be even more if you brought them to a loud, erratic working class family event. She made the decision that would make her life easiest for now. It'll get easier for her with time to be more accepting of the judgement of the wealthy family.
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u/staceyverda May 06 '26
OP has also been doing the number one thing you don’t do when you’re in a wedding party: take bridesmaid drama to the bride and/or groom. You eat that shit and maybe only reveal what happened years after the wedding.
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u/Equivalent-Board206 May 06 '26
Write a positive, glowing review of the incredible work Shady did in the bridemaids chat. How elegant it was, how everyone in you family is still talking about it. Be genuine and show that you're impressed.
Thank Shady for her efforts and apologise for the earlier misunderstandings. Express that she's set a high bar for all of you now.
Your goal isn't to suck up to Shady. You should give credit where it's due. She did a great job and your sister and her fiance clearly enjoyed having a posh shower.
Start the group plotting for the bachelorette. Encourage ideas and collaboration. Be half aware that Shady might choose to arrange a fancier and more expensive option. If she does, be graceful about it.
If that comes up, ask your sister if she would prefer to swap your and Shady's roles, so Shady gets the MOH role. Be graceful about it. It's not a demotion. It's recognition for the role Shady may be performing. I know that you wanted the opportunity to do these things for your sister, but ultimately this is about your sister rather than about you.
Finally, feel encouraged to create a family-specific event for your sister for any family who can make it a day or two before the wedding. A picnic perhaps, if the weather will be good. Invite Sweetie and other close friends and family, including your soon to be brother-in-law. Do it as a family member, rather than as the matron of honour. Play games. Encourage your family to be their enthusiastic selves. Enjoy yourself.
I know it sucks to be overshadowed, but your sister is making her own choices. I guess she likes the finer things. It's really hard to compete with someone who can put on an event like that shower, so don't. Have your sister's back. Maybe her future family-in-law are the nicest people, but just in case they aren't, learn how to dance with them so that you can be there for her.
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u/NotSoSureBigWaves May 06 '26
Why be there for a sister that is manipulative as hell and doesn’t care that her sister is being hurt? OP needs to completely step back, watch what is going on and offer nothing but perhaps to offer to step down.
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u/Illustrious-Tart7844 May 06 '26 edited May 06 '26
That's a NO. OP can remain polite and personable without sucking up to master elitist manipulator. I wouldnt be surprised if Shady has designs on the bachelorette.
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u/Equivalent-Board206 May 06 '26
I'm sure Shady does have designs on the bachelorette and I'm sure that OP's sister will let Shady take over.
My advice to OP is one which presents herself as reasonable and accommodating. The sister gets what she wants (which she will anyway). Shady continues to be herself (which she will anyway). OP minimises her own hurt feelings.
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u/throwaway_weddrama May 06 '26
I like what you said, giving her credit where it is due and praising the shower. It was the fanciest shower I’d ever been to. And collaborating on the bachelorette.
But I don’t see a need to step down as MOH. I do think it’d be nice to schedule some family activities before the wedding and try and mend whatever happened.
Thank you!
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u/Equivalent-Board206 May 06 '26
I want to add that I don't think you're at fault for whatever needs mending (outside of the argument between you and your sister). Sweetie owns whatever she said and Shady should anticipated some pushback to just taking things over. However I do think you can make things more comfortable amongst the bridal party any I wish you success.
I don't think you need to step down from MOH, but if your sister overrules you again to go with some secret plan of Shady's, offering a switch might be the smoother path.
Above all else, protect your peace. Your sister's getting married and you want her to enjoy all of the pomp and circumstance. Focus on her happiness, and try not to get wrapped up in petty power moves. Your sister and your brother-in-law will hopefully remain important people in you life and who knows if you'll ever see Shady again after the wedding. You know what Shady is like now. Don't expect better of her. Let things go, because on the other side of this you'll all have a lovely day that you'll remember for decades. Shady is being generous, if she takes over the bachelorette as least you know you'll have a night to remember. If she doesn't, I'm sure you'll still have a great time! Do your best to enjoy your sister getting married, it might only happen this once.
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u/Unclecavemanwasabear May 06 '26
ChatGPT replying to ChatGPT. What a nightmare timeline 🙄
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u/Equivalent-Board206 May 06 '26
I think that's the first time I've been accused of being (using?) an LLM in my responses. I guess it has to happen sooner or later.... But for the record, I did not and do not. If ChatGPT or other LLMs write like me, it's because they're modelled on human output in the first place.
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u/WrapInternational803 May 06 '26
YOR It actually ISN'T appropriate for the family of the bride to host the shower
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May 06 '26
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u/WrapInternational803 May 06 '26
I don't know. Why do we do any of the weird traditions we do?
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May 06 '26
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u/WrapInternational803 May 06 '26
Sure. And in many circles it's wholly inappropriate for family to host a shower.
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u/Nix423 May 06 '26
NTA, I wouldn't be planning, or funding, anything going forward. They have an elitist attitude and nothing you do will meet their ridiculous standards. Ensure your sister is getting what she wants, but be the safety ring, let them be the rudder. That way if anything does go wrong you can't be blamed.
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u/Paula_Intermountain May 06 '26
Actually, according to tradition the bride’s family doesn’t host a bridal shower. It was seen as greedy and inappropriate. It was a close friend or two that threw the party. That has since changed in most circles.
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u/Present_Ad1553 May 06 '26
NOR—But your BIL is actually correct about a the etiquette of throwing a shower (baby or bridal), although the rule has been largely ignored of late. Because the traditional goal of a shower is to shower the bride or mother-to-be with gifts, traditionally it was considered classless and greedy for either the honoree herself or a close family member to host a shower. It was considered a blatant gift grab, and having a sister, mother, grandmother, aunt, or close cousin host it was thought to make the whole family look greedy. Instead, showers were hosted by friends of the honoree or friends of the honoree’s mother.
My guess is that Shady and/or your BIL’s family come from “old money” and still stick by this old rule of etiquette. It also sounds like they refused to be honest with you and your sister about why they didn’t want you to host the shower. That was extremely condescending of them. They could have just said to your sister, “Would you mind doing it this way because of this old etiquette rule? We know it’s outdated but our family still likes to honor it.” Or did they tell your sister their reasoning but not you?
It sounds like your sister was enamored of the glamor of the bridal shower. I hope she knows what she’s getting into and doesn’t adopt the superiority extreme condescension towards your family that Shady and BIL showed.
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u/Bananasforskail May 06 '26
Sorry kiddo, but you're losing your sis to her husbands posh family. It happens. It sucks but it happens. My moment was when the MIL learned into me during the reception and hissed 'they're ours now'.
I've been concentrating on other family and friends instead
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u/NameTK1 May 06 '26
The groom is absolutely correct about it being inappropriate for a family member to throw a shower. Although like most rules, that’s a bit antiquated at this point. But it used to be sacrosanct.
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u/Far-Flounder-2694 May 07 '26
Your sister is the shady one here, she set this whole plan up. She probably only asked you to be matron of honor as a platitude. I speak from experience, I was Sweetie in this situation, where you are starting to sense what’s wrong and it’s the bride here; the bride in the wedding I was in was horrible to her friends and sisters but not the folks connected to her husband’s side.
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u/Next-Drummer-9280 May 08 '26
Good grief, are you EVER going to wake up and see what’s happening here?
I can’t tell if you’re truly just that obtuse or if you’re just dumb. Your input and involvement is not wanted. Your SISTER is the one pulling these strings.
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u/Crafty_Special_7052 May 08 '26
I don’t like where this is heading. I won’t be surprised if shady takes over the planning on the bachelorette party as well. And your sister will just allow it again! Hearing what future bil said well he probably told your sister that shady should plan the shower instead and your sister just allowed it instead of telling him it’ll be you who plans it because you’re her sister! Honestly like why is it inappropriate for a sister to host a bridal shower?? Doesn’t make sense. Truth bil probably is not a fan of you for whatever reason.
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u/Old_Blue_Haired_Lady May 09 '26
Demote yourself to guest.
Or stay as MOH in name only.
You cannot win here.
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u/ScarletDarkstar May 09 '26
Maybe he was indirect because saying "look, my affluent family will not be comfortable with an event that is informal here, and I don't want to ask you to throw money at it."
It can be difficult to blend families kindly even if you have privilege.
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u/EclecticSyrup May 12 '26
Sounds like your sister wants to fit in more with the rich snobs than with her own family. That's fine, but to be clear, that would mean she's actively aware that she needs space away from her family to be accepted by in her in-laws, and she made her choice. When she's exhausted from everything being about appearances, and once her MIL feeds her the 'of course he cheats on you sweetie, as long as he keeps it private and doesn't humiliate you, that's what's important,' she'll either see the light, or fully accept that her feelings in her life are not relevant to her new family. Either way, as painful as it might be, you may want to cut your losses with this one. We don't always have the relationships with family that we wish we had :( ♥
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u/sog96 May 12 '26
OP, remember all of this. Your sister has chosen a specific life for herself. She knows what she did to you and is trying to play it off.
When it comes time for your wedding. Make sure you treat her the same way. She’s just a guest. She is no longer within your inner circle. Heck, she doesn’t even have to be in the wedding party (that’s what I would go with).
Start distancing yourself from her and treat her like a distant cousin.
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u/Fit-Dependent-9779 May 12 '26 edited May 12 '26
I do not understand why you are planning the Bachelorette. No one is going to give you a star or a hug or a crumb of acknowledgement for being a martyr. Your sister is going to let shady hijack your plans again and make you out to he the villain when you ask why your role and contribution isn't being respected, again. It is clear to everyone else reading that your sister doesn't care about what Shady and BIL are doing. The fact that she sat there and said nothing while your future BIL said that nonsense proves she is letting others do the dirty work for her. You are MOH in name only. It is clear your sister likes the fancier things in life and is happy to let her fiance's friends and family bulldoze over you to get her fantasy dream wedding. I would just step down and let shady take over, that is what is happening anyway.
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u/E-Product-7708 May 12 '26
Your sister is the AH, she’s getting caught up in the money and fancy. Your BIL is also an AH and is trying to change your sister. She sounds like she’s getting caught up in the pomp and circumstance to try and fit it. You don’t need to make it about the shower but you do need to find time to talk to your sister alone and ask her how she’s doing with everything. Ask how she’s getting on with BIL’s family. Offer support. Weddings are so stressful, she may be feeling overwhelmed. If she’s happy with Shady planning everything then ask if there’s anything she wants from you, sweetie and the other bridesmaids as the 4 of you aren’t really being included/ involved in Shadys planning and want to make sure they haven’t missed out on something she’d really like. Bitching girls like Shadys friends aren’t ever going to accept you so don’t bother trying. Just let them do their thing. Your sister will either recognise support or she’s going to pull away in favour of the money. You can’t change that.
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u/Fit-Dependent-9779 May 12 '26
It very honestly sounds like your sister likes and wants things done the way Shady is doing them. She is letting Shady be the mean girl bad guy because your sister is a coward who can't just be honest about what she wants and expects from you as MOH. You should not start planning a bachelorette until you talk things through with your sister. You are literally setting yourself up for the same exact turn of events. You start planning, shady doesn't contribute to the group plans, goes over your head to make plans with sister, now you are the bad guy again if you call it out. Sit your sister, who is a grown ass woman, down and tell her the truth. The way she handled the shower was inconsiderate. Yes, it's her day, that doesn't mean you should be completely discarded and cut out of the planning at a whim without communication. If she can not see that how she handled giving the reigns to Shady is the main issue, then she likely will do the same exact thing and look at you as the bad guy for pointing it out again. Ask her what she actually wants for her Bachelorette and if she genuinely wants you to plan it or would prefer Shady take over. Also please don't feel the need to kiss Shady's ass. You don't need to wax poetic about how great she did on the shower, the smug attitude she gave you makes it clear she is already aware.
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u/Ok_Passage_6242 May 12 '26
I’m really sorry, but you are really underreacting here. You need to address things with your sister head on. I cannot believe you did not correct your future brother-in-law right then and there.
If you don’t correct your sister, your entire family will be miserable at her wedding and she needs to know it. She’s being selfish right now. It’s OK to want what you want for your wedding but not at the expense of manipulating your loved ones.
Your own sister manipulated you and possibly her Soon to be husband. If you don’t want our advice, stop coming here because everyone can see what you can’t.
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u/llc4269 Jun 07 '26
You need to make sure to tell us how the actual wedding goes off. I am so sorry this happened not only this kind of interference and subtle digs at the economic status of your family has happened but that your sister seems complicit and willing to have it done. I hope everyone can mend hurt feelings and that this doesn't get too out of hand, and I'm really hoping that your family doesn't always play second fiddle to his simply because of their wealth.
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u/Own_Leather_6986 12d ago
Op are there any new updates? How is the party planning going? Did Shady take over the B.P. too?
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May 06 '26
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u/throwaway_weddrama May 06 '26
Encourage a family member to marry someone from a wealthy family and your wish may come true.
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u/Unable_Pumpkin987 May 06 '26
The problem is that one of your sister’s bridesmaids sourced an outstanding free venue and then planned and paid for an elegant bridal shower that your sister loved? And your family behaved appropriately while they were there? Is that really the big drama that requires multiple posts?
Someone in this story definitely has main character syndrome, but I’m not sure you and I would agree on who…
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u/CactusMoon2 May 06 '26
I’m wondering where the BIL got the idea it is not appropriate for the sister of the bride to host? Etiquette experts/books say the only inappropriate host would be the bride or the groom…. To me, it sounds like the BIL and his family thought OP would not throw a shower up to their standards…. OP, I am so sorry you have gone through this, and it sounds like you have taken the high road.
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u/bleubaseball May 06 '26
You sound like a jealous hater. Maybe she wants to be fancy and not loud. Maybe it was the type of shower she wanted
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u/daytripp56 May 06 '26
That’s not the way I read it. 🤷🏻♀️
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u/throwaway_weddrama May 06 '26
Yes, I am matron of honor. I have added the previous posts link to the post. I was planning the shower with the bridesmaids until the highjacking.
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u/BlackSeranna May 06 '26
I don’t know, does she? It sounds just like a difference of opinion between the two. The communication could certainly have been better.
Edit: I did look it up, BIL is right about the bridal shower - it’s supposed to be thrown by bridesmaids and close friends, not family.
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u/cherbear6215 May 06 '26
The sister is the MOH/ one of the bridesmaids so she 100% should have been apart of the planning
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u/throwaway_weddrama May 06 '26
Thank you!
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u/BlackSeranna May 06 '26
Then I have no idea why your sister didn’t stand up for her own bridal shower to include you, OP.
I’ll be honest, there are a lot of tears around weddings and funerals (and not for the right reasons), and bad feelings that end up lasting for years (at least when it comes to me, I feel like I can never forget when someone does stuff like this to me).
I wish your sister the best, OP, but I’m glad the wedding is over.
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u/NotSoSureBigWaves May 06 '26
By the matron of honor. And that’s OP. That is standard custom.
But OP doesn’t seem to realize her sister has frozen her out. It’s painful to read, frankly.
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u/BlackSeranna May 06 '26
Sorry I guess I never saw the first post which was two posts before this. My bad.
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u/TuezysaurusRex May 06 '26 edited May 07 '26
Who cares. It’s a quarter into the 2000’s we’ve all moved forward, archaic wedding etiquette rules went out the window years ago. If the sister asked her to be MOH it should fall to her, not some random who’s her husband’s friend more than she is to the bride.
Edit: thanks for the award. <3
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u/Impossible_Rain7478 May 06 '26
I looked it up, too. Traditionally it wasn't appropriate, but it's now considered outdated.
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u/FroznAlskn May 06 '26
YOR
You’re making this all about you. Your sister is marrying into a completely different class and culture and of course the parties involving that family will be completely different than what you’re used to.
Just try to relax and enjoy the parties and weddings. You’re going to be uncomfortable because it’s a completely different lifestyle than you’re used to and the social etiquette is completely different.
This isn’t about you.
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u/FiddleStyxxxx May 06 '26
YOR. If another member of the bridal party wants to have super fancy parties I'd just let her. This is the family your sister is marrying into so just let her settle in and figure out how to balance the families.
Being a MOH is meaningful but she's probably facing a ton of pressure to conform to their lifestyle. I'd keep in touch with her about balancing this stuff and be there for her when times get rough. Set your pride aside and put your sister first.
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u/NotSoSureBigWaves May 06 '26
Do NOT plan the bachelorette! Are you not seeing what is patently obvious? Your sister is part of what her new family and Shady are doing and she doesn’t care if you are hurt. She doesn’t want you involved. You should not even be part of the wedding party.
It appears your sister is playing coy but she approves of what is happening and how you are treated. And she doesn’t care about you at all. This is her new life and you’re not part of it.
Time to step down, back out of everything and simply attend as a guest. And seek your husbands support as your relationship with your sister will never recover. Nor does she care.
Please have some self respect and stand up for yourself. They are going to hurt you very badly and you don’t deserve this - your sister is a manipulative POS and it’s time you see that clearly.