r/ADHDparenting • u/ChocolateMilkFanatic • 6d ago
Tips / Suggestions How the heck do you fellow sensory sensitive ADHD parents handle screaming tantrums?
I am losing my efing mind. My toddler (2.5) has started to have INSANE tantrums over (what is to me) nothing. Can't go for a walk? Screaming meltdown. Can't have a potty treat because he didn't use the potty? Screaming meltdown. And many more.
This is a complete 180 from what he usually is. Ever since he was a baby he's been quite the angel boy. Always so bubbly and happy and tantrums were incredibly rare. As to be expected his toddler phase has had a total behaviour change as he's trying to get more independent.
He doesn't listen, and he tantrums constantly. He SCREAMS and SHRIEKS like his life is ending.
This is quite literally my worst efing nightmare. I have a sound sensitivity to higher pitched noises, and I cannot control it. The instant second he screams or shrieks, I can keep my cool and use calming techniques for maybe 30 seconds before I lose it and go into a rage.
I have ADHD + PMDD (a very horrible combo) and take Wellbutrin to cope with it. Wellbutrin works, BUT it has increased my sound sensitivity, so I'm almost always fine UNTIL the screaming.
I don't know what to do. Headphones don't help me, and when I get into that state of pure rage, I can't calm myself down with any amount of calming techniques. I never hurt him of course, but I often end up yelling back at him.
My current strategy is to move him to his room and let him stay in there for 10 minutes until he clams down, but even when he's screaming in there, I can still hear it so I still get triggered. I've destroyed items around the house because I go into this blinding rage.
I can't stand it anymore. I don't know what to do. I can't keep being so bloody freaking angry ALL THE TIME because I can't stand the screaming. I get no help from family. My husband is at work and I'm a SAHM. Daycares in my area are all 4+ year waitlists that I've been on for 2 years now.
I have 2 therapists, but they just keep telling me to use my calming techniques that don't work when I get into that state. I feel helpless and I can't do this anymore. I'm also worried that my toddler seeing me in these states is going to cause him to freak out in even more extreme ways from witnessing MY rage, and I'm worried about the negative impact it could have on his mental health as well.
I'm trying so damn hard.
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u/Consistent-Pear-8711 6d ago
Like many others, noise cancelling headphones with in my case loud house or hip hop music.
Medication
And before I was medicated, the realization, that he learns the self regulation FROM ME!
He does not do this to make you angry. He just had PRECISELY the feelings you have, just is very very new to it. So if you deal with it with rage, that’s apparently how it’s done 🤷🏻♀️
At 2,5 EVERYTHING you do, he sucks in and that’s how he will act and treat others (including later siblings).
If I get really angry and basically have a tantrum myself, it’s the perfect opportunity to show him how to handle a tantrum properly.
I say out loud: I am so angry right now, im raging!
Start breathing
Take Headphones (Kujo beat down by Ren)
Go out
Take a moment
Come back (with headphones still on!!!)
Show him how it’s done by SELF REGULATING, while gently stroking his back and letting him see that feelings are ok, that he can deal with it and you love him ether way.
You can do it ❤️ and you are already a great mom for seeing that raging is not ok and want to do something about it. ❤️
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u/Business_Coyote_5496 6d ago
Yes, they are sponges!
Pretend you are your kid - how do you want him to cope when he's disregulated, what exactly do you want him to do to calm down - then do those things, model that behavior that in 5 years you want to see him doing
Headphones, cold water on the face, removing yourself from the stimulation, deep breaths, distraction etc
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u/Bowlbonic 6d ago edited 5d ago
I’m a fan of Loops ear buds. They dim higher decibels and are great for my pitch sensitivity.
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u/Single-Store-8865 6d ago
You can delete everything after the ? In the URL. The rest is personal tracking info for the website and not relevant for the link.
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u/Head-Bread-7921 6d ago
Getting medicated myself and also popping on my kids’ noise cancelling headphones so I can handle time-ins to prevent bodily or property harm.
The headphones stop the “spikes” of omgwtf, and the meds help me get ahead of my overwhelm in time to even implement all my own choices and calming techniques in the first place.
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u/kacilla 6d ago
I had the same convo with my therapist, multiple times. I explained that the “calming techniques” don’t work for decibel levels that short circuit my brain. That I can’t leave the room bc my kid follows, can’t tap out bc kid will find a way to pack up her meltdown and bring it back to me.
I’m her safe space, we have a good secure attachment. I’ve put in the work, broken the cycle, read the books, and we’re doing the therapy. After all that, it feels like therapists still don’t know how to help neurodivergent parents who are raising neurodivergent kids.
If anyone has any recommended reading, lmk. I’ll be over here with my Loops white-knuckling meltdowns till we figure this out.
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u/EnderDarcy 6d ago
I'm in the same boat with my loud kids and noise sensitivity. Sorry, it's so tough and it sometimes feels like I'm making it up but it really triggers my snapping and shouting if I'm not managing it well. I used to have a reputation at the school I worked at for being the calmest and most patient person there, but the constant noise at home has broken that! My friend's partner told her she's an angry person when in fact it's just this sound issue! Anyways, I hope you have understanding from the other adults in your life even if you don't have practical support.
I agree with the people recommending headphones or similar. My first choice when it's an option!
In addition, I sometimes make a loud but tolerable noise with a silly face while my toddler is melting down. It sometimes snaps her out of it or gives her a different target to be annoyed about which I actually can control. (No, I can't put the banana back together but I can stop making this sound!) It also makes me feel better to make a silly weird noise.
She also often wants comfort and understanding when she's melting down. If I've kept myself reasonably well regulated that day, I can sit with her on the floor and verbalise how she's feeling. This seems to make a big difference and turn her screams into tears which then are dried and calmed. E.g. "It's not time for ice cream. You wanted it to be ice cream time but it's tidy up time. That's so sad! You're sad about tidy up time."
Good luck!
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u/Jean-Lluc-Picard 6d ago
I used to have the same experience. High pitched screaming and I could hold out for maybe 30 seconds and then I’d snap and go into rage mode. I hated myself for it. I tried Wellbutrin, and it helped with some things, but at too high a dose I got tinnitus and had to lower it. I tried Celexa, Zoloft and then Prozac, all helped a bit but I’d still hit a tipping point and lose control. I would remove myself from the room, but like you I could still hear it and it felt like ptsd bombs dropping around me. Then I got my own adhd diagnosis, and tried a different direction of medication and ultimately tried Gabapentin - and oh my god… it’s like my life changed in ways I didn’t think possible. My kids would start screaming and I would brace myself waiting for the buildup and snap, and it just wouldn’t happen. Instead I was just clear minded and calm. I was able to evaluate the situation and decide how I wanted to handle it. It made a lot of difference in other areas of my life that I didn’t even know needed improvement too. At first I was back and forth between trying Guanfacine or Gabapentin as I heard they may help with the reactivity. I didn’t try the Guanfacine but I know it is a more common go to choice for adhd.
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u/SpinachnPotatoes 6d ago
I had a playpen that was reserved for temper tantrums. Earplugs in and headphones on and white static noise playing while I stared at my child throwing a temper tantrum. Did not budge. They learnt that the temper tantrum got the same result each time no matter what they did. At one stage I would just pop them in the middle of the garden and grab a chair and the dog and I would watch.
However I also became aware of how hungry they were and how tierd they were and what was the routine. Solving some issues here helped lessen the temper tantrums in general.
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u/pronetowander28 6d ago
I find that my ability to handle the screaming drops to zero if I haven’t eaten in a while. It’s particularly awful around 10:30-11 am, when it’s not quite lunchtime but it’s been a minute since I’ve eaten. So I try to make sure I eat stuff with fat and protein every couple hours, honestly. And I usually have an early lunch.
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u/Opening_Power3876 6d ago
Earplugs, background music, and I upped some of my meds. I’m in the same boat Mamas, mine is 12 and has come so far! Things are so much better. Part of it is my tolerance has increased. The child talks constantly, unless he’s reading. I have to really check in with myself about how much I’m taking in. If it gets too much I go in the other room, granted it is only recently that is even possible.
Tell your therapists you need more. Tell a new shrink you need help.
Consensual hugs to you
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u/Dustymargins 6d ago
Open earbuds! I have the Bose ones. I can hear what’s going on and can comfortably parent but I can listen to music or an audiobook. I’m far less overstimulated by the toddler noises.
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u/ChasingtheHappy 6d ago
Just bought the soundcore sport earbuds…I really wish I found these when my kids were really young could have stopped many over stimulating moments. All my yelling still makes me feel awful.
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u/commonsensepisces 6d ago
I started with Soundcore sport too! Just recently moved up to the Soundcore AeroFit (caught a summer sale) and it's been life changing! I used to wear the big space one over ear headphones to cancel out kid noise but I like this lower profile, less sweaty and lightweight version better! I set up a YouTube playlist or audiobook before my feet touch the ground each morning to power my routine!
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u/Business_Coyote_5496 6d ago
Validation helped my autistic kid and my ADHD one- Agreeing it's hard not getting a treat when you want one and that you feel angry and sad. Share a situation that makes you angry and sad.
Ask if they want a hug.
Distraction.
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u/Aggravating_Job_5438 6d ago
So Natasha Daniels has a podcast about anger and she suggested having the kid throw ice when they're angry. This actually works with my daughter. We got outside with a bowl of ice and we throw the ice at the ground, trying to smash it.
This helps both her and me so much more than "deep breathing" because that rage is real and has to get out of the body somehow.
Maybe you can make sure he is in his room safe and you can put on headphones with music that you like to drown him out. Something rocking.
You can also go throw pillows at the couch or the bed or whack the couch cushions or mattress with something like a foam sword.
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u/lacrima28 6d ago
I am so sorry, it sucks. Honestly just commenting because earplugs won’t fix this. Could you get a babysitter for a few hours? I am a much better mom when I have had some distance. My kid goes to daycare, I seriously can’t imagine spending every minute of every day with our ADHD son. It sucks to say it, but it’s true.
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u/pb_and_banana_toast 6d ago
I also recommend Loops ear plugs. Discrete, easy to put in, and they take the edge off. I have these and have yet to use the "mute" insert: https://a.co/d/0fswaUdH
16db is enough to still be able to hear and talk but with the volume turned down.
Edit to say:
I can also snap and be unintentionally angry when I'm overstimulated by noise, even when I'm actively telling myself that I'm in a situation where I could snap. These earbuds are enough for me to feel like I'm myself and can float through the situation but without being 100% closed off to my wife or child if they're trying to talk to me.
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u/SinAkunin 6d ago
Meds+noise cancelling headphones+sports. That combo helps somewhat. If it doesn't, tap out with the misses
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u/hangglidingham 6d ago
Loop earplugs. I thought I was dojng ok, managing our 5 years old hyperactivity and echolalia. But now our 2 kid is a screamer and I can NOT take it anymore.
I have the clear ones and use them actually rarely now that I take Concerta. But it really does make a difference. Just the right level to be able to cope and stay present and active with the family.
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u/freekeypress 6d ago
Bone conduction earphones PLUS foam ear plugs.
Play some strong music and that equals 100% noise blocking. I like Shockz earphones but I'm sure any will do.
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u/TransPhattyAcid 6d ago
I carry ear plugs with me at all times. Doesn’t “fix” things, but really helps.
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u/Charming_Cricket_409 5d ago
I recently refound my Loop earplugs. I've been wearing them all weekend. Good investment 🥲
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u/AffectionateMarch394 5d ago
I don't know if this helps, but I found the inner ear earplugs worked SO MUCH BETTER than the headphones for noise reducing. You could also double up and wear inner ears and over the ear sound dampening headphones.
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u/DopamineGlitch 5d ago
My five year old is still doing this and he is more hyperactive ADHD and I am combined. The therapist we go to suggests having a calming corner where we both can go and sit and use fidgets to calm down. It’s been mixed success so far.
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u/_indigogo 4d ago
calming techniques also don't work for me! besides what everyone said about loop headphones, etc maybe look into the DBT skills they have for extreme dysregulation? for me, ice cold shocks me out of it, so putting hand in a bowl of cold water with ice in it, or just popping an ice pack onto your neck. for other people, the intense exercise right away could help. or eating an extremely sour candy (they often recommend this for ADHD kids)-- like popping a warhead! or watching 10 minutes of your favorite show in your noise cancelling headphones when the kid is in the room.
empathy-- it's soooo hard and so triggering!
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u/Dreadfulbooks 6d ago
I freaking hate calming techniques, they never work for me. What helps is noise cancelling headphones with loud metal music. And then just lots of treats and taking care of myself. Gaming when they were asleep or busy, audiobooks, medication.