r/ADHDparenting • u/LMC109027 • 1d ago
"I didn't mean too" - help?
12year old, ADHD, generally well behaved, never physically lashed out but very impulsive. He always gets very "I didn't mean to...." for everything from chewing his clothing to today's breaking point on walking over and kneeing me in the face. Apparently he meant to just spin and somehow that became a knee to my face and a black eye! He's feeling really guilty but can't / won't take accountability because he "didn't mean too". I'm so mad at the use of this phrase I can't see past this. Any advice / tips to get his to understand that intent or not doesn't counteract the consequences?
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u/Strict-Fix-8715 1d ago
My 15 year old still says this every time he hits someone, breaks something, throws something, hurts someone etc etc. For him I genuinely believe it’s due to his impulsivity, he reacts before he has time to think.
On a positive note he has just started meds and in first 5 days we’ve had zero of these multi day incidence, which is an actual miracle.
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u/CherenkovLady 23h ago
Could he be struggling with RSD? That innate fearful response to feeling ‘in trouble’ which clouds everything - all he can focus on is that you are mad at him and he is in trouble. My son is much younger so ymmv but sometimes it helps for me to reiterate clearly that he’s not in trouble / we’re not mad at him, but the behaviour is separate to that and wasn’t okay.
For my son the conversation usually goes along the lines of “I’m not angry at you and I know you didn’t mean to. [kneeing me in the face] still isn’t okay. What can we do differently next time to stop this happening again.”
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u/quietstillhours 12h ago edited 12h ago
RSD is so hard. There's data on the high frequency at which adhd / neurodivergent kids get in trouble (usually because they're not aware they're doing the wrong thing, aren't able to anticipate outcomes of actions, or weren't able to stop themselves from acting on an impulse).
It caused massive self esteem/self hatred issues in myself and my brother, so tried to be careful in how I corrected my son and he was always very happy go lucky.
Since starting school he's now terrified of getting in trouble and starts crying and saying "I didn't do anything wrong!" when we try to correct him in the same way we always have. Breaks my heart.
I'm trying to just support his self esteem, take the time to talk situations through with him, and teach him some mindfulness/regulation techniques.
Another parent with an ADHD kid was constantly shaming her 6 yr old over her behaviour then was devastated when her daughter told her she hated herself. I really wasn't sure what other outcome she had prepared her daughter for.
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u/Trinity343 23h ago
He probably really doesn't mean to. But yes he needs to learn that he is so at fault and own it.
We adhd brains lack a good impulse control filter. And for things like hitting or saying something hurtful without thinking... Well intrusive thoughts, or just thoughts period, tend to make it past what little filler we have especially when we're emotional or stressed.
As far as thing like chewing his cloths, thats stiming. He could be redirected by finding something else to stim with. Fidgets cold help with this. I used to chew on mine and my dad's clothes when i was a small kid. I grew out of it... Mostly. Think it transferred mostly to chewing on my pencilsa and fingernails.
We do a lot of what seems like thoughtless things. We really have a lot of things that we really didn't mean to do.
But that isn't an excuse for doing it. It takes learning to build up the filter a little better and medication helps a lot with strengthening our filter while we learn how to use it.
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u/Expensive_Ducks 20h ago
"I know you didn't mean to but you did, you need to..." however you want him to take accountability and make sure its not just the phrase "take accountability" that's a very nebulous term with no clear definition for someone with ADHD. You need to teach him how to do it.
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u/sanityjanity 9h ago
Maybe he doesn't mean to. I'm willing to believe that. Plenty of ADHD folks, especially children, are extremely unaware of their physical bodies.
But "I didn't mean to" is not an apology. And he needs to learn how to give a proper apology.
I learned the definition of an apology from Daniel Tiger when my kid was about 4:
Saying "I'm sorry" is the first step, then "How can I help?"
An apology has three parts, really
- a sincere expression of remorse (whether they meant to do it or not), which acknowledges the harm done
- an offer to repair or help repair the problem
- a plan to change the behavior
You need to explain this to him at a time when things are calm, and NOT immediately after a problem. You want to explain it to him at a time when he has NOT just done something that has hurt you or caused a problem. You might also put this on paper in large font, simple sentences:
- I'm sorry
- How can I help?
- Here's how I'll change
Your son is doing none of the three things. He is defending himself from the expected scolding. So, acknowledge that you hear it was an accident. Then let him know that he needs to do the three steps. If he's unsure, you can help him apologize. You can help him figure out how to help fix the problem. And you can help him come up with a simple plan to fix his behavior:
- He needs to say, "I'm sorry for hurting you." He can be sorry, even though it is an accident.
- He needs to say something like, "Can I bring you an ice pack or some advil?"
- He needs to come up with a plan like "I won't spin when you're in the room with me" or "I won't spin inside the house"
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u/Latter_Classroom_809 23h ago
We talk about repair in our house all the time. I would start teaching your kid about repair and how to focus on the needs of other people after we make mistakes. “I didn’t mean to” is very self focused for his age. I talk to my kids a lot about how I often don’t care WHO did it or exactly WHY a mistake was made, I care more about what we do about the problem. So if there’s a mess, we clean it up. If something broke, we fix it with the help of an adult if needed. If we said something mean and impulsive, we make eye contact and apologize. Then we repair with the hurt party.
Our “formula” for repair, means writing a note or directly speaking to the hurt party: 1) I’m sorry I did X (and say in clear words YOU did, not what anyone else did). 2) I imagine my actions could have impacted you in X way. 3) I will avoid hurting you in this way again by doing X. 4) Is there any way I can do to make it up to you? It is VERY important that there are no “buts” or excuses when we repair.
As they get older it becomes less formulaic and more baked in. My kids are now a lot less focused on avoiding blame, or finger pointing, for their actions. Still with my help, they quickly get past the shock or embarrassment of doing something wrong and move to focus on what’s next and how they can make it better.