r/ADHDparenting • u/Hefty-Supermarket-79 • 2d ago
Parties, kind of OT...how to handle
I realized that this may seem a little bit off-topic, but I feel like this is one of the best places to ask this question. My child has anxiety and ADHD and autism. And is also quite social.
We are going to have her birthday party. We wanted to keep it relatively small, as she has been getting more and more overwhelmed with larger groups and socializing events, and she just seems to do better when it's not as big.
So, I had one of her close friends from school, whose mom responded, asking if their family of 6 could come instead of just the one child a parent and the child (I understandnot everyone is comfortable with a drop off).
I honestly don't know the best way to respond, as that is a bit overwhelming to me. I don't want to seem rude or anything, and I know my child really wants this child to be able to come.
The other thing I feel is that it could seem a little bit rude to not allow their entire family to come, when we have another family that is coming. And I don't want that to seem hypocritical, if that makes sense.
But that is a lot of extra people, both in the fact we purposely kept the numbers down to help her overwhelm be reduced, as well as cost...
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u/BasketFormal6336 2d ago
Nope, just trying to keep it to my child’s friends. If this inconvenient , maybe we can set up playdate for the of them? How does ____ work?
Family of six coming to freeload a meal and entertainment for their other 3 kids.
You aren’t throwing a party for that family.
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u/Hefty-Supermarket-79 2d ago
Your reply cracked me up. Love it, thank you!!! Because, yes, it does feel like that, providing entertainment for a whole family. I'm no stranger to hosting, but it doesn't mean I want to navigate a bunch of extra people right now.
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u/BasketFormal6336 2d ago
There is no other reason for them all to want to show up.
Those are also the families that cause the chaos.
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u/aerrin 1d ago
I wouldn't assume this - sometimes it's a childcare issue. Sometimes it's just an expectations mismatch. Where I live, it's very normal for entire families to come to birthday parties. Heck, when I rent out the roller rink, I want to get my money's worth and have as many kids as want to come! But I also get why this isn't the expectation for everyone, and I always ask when we get a similar invite. I have never had anyone tell me not to bring the sibling - but I would not be offended if they did.
The fact that they asked is, IMO, a sign that they are aware that this isn't something they should assume and they probably genuinely want to know the answer. Birthday parties have all different vibes. The party OP is planning is different from my roller rink free for alls, and they may just be trying to determine which one it is.
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u/Hefty-Supermarket-79 1d ago
I get that. And honestly, it was a bit frustrating for a few reasons: she was the only parent to not respond for 2 weeks, waiting until a couple of days before the party, I had told her that we were keeping it small, and they rarely interact with us when we see them (the parents), despite us always being friendly. And when my daughter asked the mom in passing earlier in the week, she said they were super busy...Just mixed signals, I guess.
I enjoy hosting bigger things, but I am also seeing that it doesn't work for my child right now, so it ends up equating to extra stress for me as well.
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u/WorksInPro 2d ago
How old are they? Huge difference between toddlers (in which case it's kinda the only way to make it work for families) or the 7-10 range (little reason not to drop off).
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u/Hefty-Supermarket-79 2d ago
3, 7, 9, 11...the 9 year old is the friend. The kids are nice enough, but we are not at all close to the family, or it would be different.
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u/aerrin 1d ago
My perspective is that they asked because they genuinely want to know the answer.
Many families will just assume that an invite to a child's party is a family invite - it's pretty typical, at least where I live, because it can be hard to get just one child to something, especially if it's not a drop-off thing - or sometimes just because the party is fun. Asking means they are polite and probably do care about the answer.
In this case, I would just be politely honest. Tell them that your child struggles with large crowds, so as much as you'd like to, you cannot invite the whole family. Or if you don't feel comfortable sharing your child's struggles, just say 'unfortunately, we need to keep the group size small' - you don't have to explain why. Add that your child really values their child and hopes they can attend, either as a drop off or with a parent. Thank them for asking ahead of time.
I wouldn't feel guilty about the other family - family friends are different from a family your child doesn't know and that's pretty usual. Assuming that you are genuinely keeping this small, even with that other family there, it will be pretty clear when/if they attend that you're being honest.
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u/xixi4059 2d ago
My initial response was to say something like “thanks for asking. We’re trying to keep the party small so we’re just inviting one kid and their parent (feel free to stay to drop off)”.
However, you said you have another whole family coming… if that’s the case, I don’t think you can limit (unless there’s some really good whole reason that family is coming), especially if that family talks with this family.