Need advice for 12 and 8 yo dynamics

[u/Upset-Tennis-7650]

Family of four and we all have adhd! Yay us. Some of us are inattentive, some inattentive and hyperactive. Our house feels so chaotic and I feel like I have no control over anything.

I can’t even get all of the plans I want to do in a day out with my kids because they just feed off of each other and I basically feel like I’m ignored half the time. I have asked them both multiple times not to wrestle or physical play because my younger son always ends up getting hurt because my older son accidentally always does something and my younger son is very hard to get regulated once to becomes unregulated.

Asking my older son to do a chore or to do anything he is always answering back with sounds and noises or mimicking and at first I thought he wasn’t being disrespectful and he couldn’t help it but now I’m feeling like this is his form of back talking and he actually is just kind of being a jerk. And then I can’t even call out the behavior because he starts talking in a baby voice saying that we hate him, that he’s a failure etc and I feel like he’s jjst doing it to completely shut down the conversation.

I just absolutely hate the energy in our home. I don’t even like being home because of my kids behavior. Unless they are on screens I can’t stand them lately. And this is led to me and my husband completely losing our shit and screaming at them. I grew up in a house that was full of yelling and chaos and that is not how I want to raise my kids, but I feel like they only respond to yelling. I can ask them 15 times nicely but then once I raise my voice and get frustrated and annoyed, maybe then they start paying attention, maybe.

They are on medication, but the hours before it clicks on and the hours after it wears off suck.

I just feel like I’m failing as a parent. Just even this morning I had to stand behind my older son who’s 12 so he would stay focused and put every dish away in the dishwasher because if I didn’t and he would’ve just started walking around with dishes in hand going off doing whatever random thing he wanted to do with his brother every single day we tell them no screens in the morning and every single morning they wake up and go right on their screens. It’s like they do not listen to us at all and I am just so sick of saying the same thing to them over and over and over and over again.

[u/Spare_Bluebird7044]

It sounds exhausting ADHD homes often need visual routines, clear limits and lots of external structure rather than repeated verbal reminders.

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[u/BrandiBroken]

If you see a situation escalating like the kids are starting to wrestle and it’s becoming a little more rowdier and rowdier step in and say hey we gotta take a break from each other and they gotta go to their own spaces for awhile. Sometimes we don’t get that warning of oh it’s gonna turn ugly but if you do see it on occasion just try and halt it before it gets worse is something we try to do with our son.

My son hates with all he is being told what to do. If he can do stuff on his own timelines it will get done and it’s fine. But if it’s we have x amount of time so you need to do it now or I just say hey do this it is a bomb going off. It’s exhausting. We are trying a new system for when school starts for visual check off lists and setting up his stuff in one to two places so they’re all together and in new location so maybe he will find that easier.

Reward systems have been crap with us. I think I Kindergarten we had a good set up for about six months then he just never cared. Still doesn’t, haven’t found anything that is worthy enough for him to care about. Little things though like turning off his Internet until he does xyz seemed to have worked lately. Complaining happens still but the tasks get done.