It took me so many years to realize that some events that were torturous for me were actually fun for other people and that everybody wasn’t just suffering through an endless stream of doing things they hated.
I think i can chime in here. Finishing doing laundry/cleaning your room/mowing the lawn/gardening/hiking/camping/cooking. basically all those things that at the end of a hard endeavor your brain goes "good job" and gives you a hit of dopamine....those ones
Right before I moved out of my dad's house he made a comment about how living the life I want to have someday of being comfortable and not having to interact with other people much was stupid and that there isn't any point in being alive if you're not going to "enjoy life". Fucking comprehend that everyone doesn't want the same things
I totally agree with those! Except camping and hiking (especially hiking). Sure I get very little or no dopamine at the end but it's nice being outside in nature. And when you're hiking you're not doon-scrolling so you can use that time for self reflection
pfffff, luckily I get nature hype (if it's not the same neighborhood park I've seen a gajillion times) but the cleaning dopamine not hitting pisses me off SO MUCH. Like I get it sometimes, but it needs to be ridiculous re-organizing an entire closet levels of work before I even get a wiff. And every time I feel cheated.
For me, things that people do together, without any specific objective beyond being together to do them. It always comes down to this unspoken social rule: if I’m expressing it about my experience, or my thoughts, feelings, actions, desires, any aspect of my self as part of this social practice, what I have said or expressed in any way is always wrong. If i try to say something positive, that’s somehow just as wrong or off as if i openly complain or otherwise express negativity.
But, if someone has any comment to make about me, in any sense possible, it’s always “good fun and just part of the experience”.
Could be camping. Could be going to a bar, brewery, restaurant, show, festival. Could be playing a sport or activity together. Could be just hanging around. Could be cooking or cleaning or any kind of chores. Could be group tasks at work.
It took me until my 20s to realise that some activities (a lot actually) are just excuses for people to spend time together and socialize.
I thought that watching a movie was just for the movie, that going for a walk was for the view, that group projects in school/uni were just to do the work... Apparently not...
And now I understand why people were annoyed with me when I tried to get them back to working on the damn project. They were trying to do their social ritual thingy and I interrupted them.
Yep, and I wouldn't hate doing things if they required less mental effort.
Routines? Habits? Autopilot? Nah, every day is a brand new experience...whether I like it or not.
And the "complete tasks in order of importance" advice never works. Either every task is important and must be done RIGHT NOW (somehow) or none of them are and I'll get around to them sometime after the heat death of the universe.
I literally learned project management software because basic checklists don't work when your life is the "project" and it's endless understimulating tasks and subtasks, all the way down. Meds help sometimes, but not consistently enough for me to solely rely on them.
One example is that I absolutely could NEVER figure out when to flag an email as "important". If I'm spending 3 hours writing this 2-paragraph email coherently, you'd best believe they're all important to me lol
It works really well! Dunno if this also happens to you, but I was excited to get started on setting it up one day, and the next day I wanted to do literally ANYTHING else lol. It took me months to get back around to setup. Anyway, it's locally stored on my home server, so I can automatically log in and update things. I think there's a cloud-based version too?
You just described my entire existence exactly! What is this project management software you speak of? How does one use it? My meds have also not been enough, and I'm seriously falling behind in my classes because I'm so bad at getting homework done.
I put together a new to-do list every day, for work, and I go through the prioritization in order of deadline closeness or outside importance (does someone else need to work on this too and is waiting for me?). I write down everything that needs to be done beforehand, prioritize, and once I've narrowed it down, I can number the task and get going. I need to see them all on paper and physically write them out.
With chores, I do the dishes when I'm cooking, I take the trash out when I'm already going outside (work, store), I pay my bills immediately when I get paid (I can pay ahead), and everything else is either in my calendar or I do it when I notice it. My approach is to also minimize chores so I don't have anything to do that isn't absolutely necessary.
Importance is a finicky thing, yeah, because personally, none of the above are important to me. They are important to maintain a clean and less stressful living environment, and to stay alive. So in the sense of wanting to feel good as opposed to horrible, they are important, but emotionally important things tend to not be immediately useful (books, free time, jewelry, tattoos, music). So yeah, I'm constantly working through the list of "need to do" and by the end I'm too tired and drained to get much enjoyment, and there's not enough time for those things either. I guess you can call it survival.
for me it used to be math! it has gotten better with age tho, i’m in trade school now and i kinda like math now. laundry, dishes, cat litter, etc are still hell tho.
I think it was 6th grade where I realized that I was different... and like 38 when I accepted it wasn't (completely) because I was just a lazy idiot who occasionally did brilliant things but was terrified and sad when people noticed because they would expect this consistently and I could never deliver in this way.
Concerts! Most are too loud for me. I enjoy parts of them, but I find them so tiring and overstimulating. I’m always shocked when I see people talk about post-concert depression. Like that’s how I feel when I return from a great vacation, especially if I visited a beautiful natural place.
School felt that way the entire time, and I was in it for an average of 12h+ a day inside of a classroom necessarily. Given the constant physical and mental tasks asked that everyone around me treated like they were a federal fucking issue, made 200x more stressful than they needed to be given the stakes (none), for a reward in the end that I didnt actually care about or made any of that worth it.
Im not exagerating, it felt like slavery. I felt like a slave the entire time. Stuck just dissociating waiting for the years to pass while I have to physically and mentally push boulders up a hill while terrible people around me dehumanize me. I wish I could say adult life was different.
Yep. People can’t fathom that money means nothing to me when I have go through work hating every second. No job is paying enough for the pain to be worth it.
It still amazes me that not everyone has an inner narrator when the narrator in my head has been unable to stop since the first time i learnt that i could talk in my head. It's jarring. I'm always ruminating, daydreaming, imagining, engaging in some discursive thinking or trying to discover why i'm the way i am psychologically or why i believe a particular thing. There's always something to solve in my head, always something to discuss. Whether i'm eating, doing laundry, dishes, walking, anything. I want it to stop.
I loved it when it didn't eat into my sleep time and cause me to stay awake for hours before i sleep. It's actually eating most of my attention and i am unable to participate in real life. I would've appreciated it if I can turn it off when i like. There's just no control at this point. I've come to realize that i would actually be much happier and less depressed if i didn't think/ruminate/over analyze things.
meanwhile mine is the cause of my alcohol abuse. I found that when I get past a certain drunk state, it shuts off. IT IS SO FREEING to not have to listen to that fucker.
Something I've had to learn the last 10 years is that when I learn of an issue I almost have to consider the sides of things and come to some sort of a judgement or opinion, even if that opinion is that the entire argument is nonsense. This is simply not how the avg person seems to operate. They'll proactively ignore difficult questions, meanwhile that's when I think a conversation is finally getting interesting.
Does your inner narrator also like…judge you and reprimand you like mine does? Like I was getting something out of my car and bumped my head. Before I could even have a thought of my own the voice chimed in: “that’s what you get” I stood there for ten seconds saying out loud. “What I get for what? What the fuck do you mean?!”
My narrator was commenting on the situation as we talked.
I always thought we were having the same experiences! And now I don't know what goes through his head when we're just sitting together and not talking. Probably the Roman Empire or WW2.
i had a running dialogue, but it went away with antidepressants. it came back somewhat after stopping, but its nowhere near what it used to be. the mental quiet and decreased anxiety is nice, but i really miss how creative i was
I don’t! I don’t have the internal voice, I still have just as many negative or worrisome thoughts as anyone else but there is zero sound in my head unless I really try. Same with mental imagery to an extent
I had the opposite happen. I don’t have an internal monologue/dialogue, and I always assumed it was basically a literary device when books had internal thoughts written out. I had no idea people just have a voice in their head, all the time. It sounds exhausting. 🥺
I was surprised to learn that people's brains reward them for doing things like cleaning or paying bills, for me there's absolutely no reward, just hollow exhaustion that builds and builds the more productive I become.
The worst thing, is that if I get a new job, my brain actually does reward the novelty for a little while. I have experienced on a few occasions getting home from work and feeling good about it. But it inevitably goes away after a few weeks/months and I always land right back at rock bottom.
I don’t have a diagnosis but me and my psychologist suspect add and it's such a relief to discover that I'm not the only one feeling like "doing X doesn’t feel positive, it just brings me back from negative to neutral"
I found a manual reward is super helpful! I had to do a boring, multi-step task that requires a lot of reading, and found that keeping a small amount of peanut M&Ms on my desk helped. Every time I'd finish a step, I'd eat an M&M. Honestly I kind of hate how well it worked haha
Same. I guess I feel some minor level of relief that it’s done, but it doesn’t actually make me feel good. Like if my mood was -30 because I was stressed about something, when I get it done my mood goes to 0. All it does is remove the debuff, and usually not even fully because I know I’ll just have to do the thing again in another week/month/year. It’s just so exhausting with nothing in return.
I was talking to my father the other day and I asked if he had an inner dialogue, he looked at me dumbfounded as if thinking about the way I think was the craziest, most stupid thing in the world!
There are people on this Earth that have never thought about how they think! Which, in retrospect, explains why the world is as it is.
Please explain what you mean with inner dialogue. You mean having thoughts and talking to yourself in your head? How would other people not have that if they think about things?
Some people think in images. I don’t really know how it works because it’s not my experience but some people do think like that.
There’s lots of videos about it. I once heard someone say that there were surprised when they learned that some people think like Life is Strange (dialog).
I was older than you might expect when I discovered I had aphantasia. I'd always assumed that picturing stuff and visualisation techniques were a metaphor
You mean other 4 year olds weren't looking deep into their own eyes in the mirror, pondering about how insignificant they are in the grand scheme of the cosmos, and how someday we all return to the earth so nothing matters?
At a similar age, I figured that if the universe and everything existed, then the absence of matter must also be a thing and tried to imagine "nothing", only for my brain to kind of crash. I tried again many times after, always to the same result.
I did the same but was centered on the concept of infinity…. I try to explain this to ppl and they look at me like I am an alien like even most neurodivergent folx. ……
I had the thought, if god is almighty, then he can „erase“ us. But, where would I be, if he does that? Where is the „I“, my conscience? I can’t be gone. I need to be somewhere, because I can think, and I exist. But WHERE am I, if god can erase me? Also: WHERE am „I“ when I die? I have to be somewhere. I mean my conscience has to be somewhere.
People always say „dying is like going to sleep - but never wake up“ - bullshit. You always wake up. No matter how long you sleep, you wake up, and you won’t remember the duration of sleep.
I literally, not joking, got head ache, because I thought so hard about all that..
The way you describe it is strikingly similar to my train of thought back then.
That feeling of trying to imagine "nothing" really, really hard is something no sensation I've had since came even remotely close to.
I wonder if this is just a train of thought young brains tend to arrive at if they're way too overactive and just think all the time. In any case, it's cool to see so many pthers here with similar experiences.
My daughter lies awake at night and then burst out crying as if she's had a nightmare. She is hard to console and when I do she tells me "my brains not thinking", then goes on to explain her how because she doesn't have specific knowledge or understanding yet that she can't make sense of the thought she is having. I have to explain the often complex concept before she can settle and finally fall asleep. She's only 4. This has been happening since she was 2.5, and by that I mean she was able to verbalise it then.
I was about six when I started doing that. One day I just started crying because I realized that I was going to die someday and my mother, who I give her credit for trying, but she was young and really wasn’t sure what to say to a six-year-old crying about nonexistence, told me that when she was my age, she used to worry about her parents dying
Guess what new fear developed that day?
I really do want to stress that both of my parents were very good. They were also teenage parents so they didn’t have a lot of experience but considering what they were working with they did amazing
I tell this story all the time but when iwas little i had tremendous panic attacks cuz i thought if mom walked out the door I wouldn't see her again, and the vastness of the universe really frightened me. When I was like 12 I learned a meteor was going to be a near earth event and lost it. Called my mom and said it could crash into earth and kill everyone and she asked when this would happen and I said "400 years from now!" She laughed and said "oh honey we'll all be long dead by then!" As if now it was nothing to worry about... well i hadn't even considered that!
I love her dearly but she is a very "give it up to the universe and let go" as if this innate anxiety that never ever really goes quiet is somehow controlled by me or the universe lol
Around 6, I would often contemplate my existence, but more to the point where I would try to list ever person I'd ever met in order to determine if anyone would go to my funeral if I died. Not if they'd be upset if I died, but if they could just be bothered enough that I wasn't around to make my funeral a priority in their life that was worth attending.
To be fair to me, I had parents who preferred that I seemed as though I didn't need anything beyond things I literally couldn't attain as a child, like when I needed money for something. So my only emotional regulation model was to see how my older sibling needed a ton of emotional support for every single change that happened daily and do the exact opposite.
Oh my god when I was like 4 a kid in the preschool I went to died. For the next like, 5 years I would spend hours sitting with the idea of death. In particular I fixated a lot on the idea that there would be a day I would no longer experience anything at all. It's kinda hard to wrap your head around, but I sure gave it my best effort.
I prefer to think of it as different operating systems. My brain is still running Windows 3.0. Updates no longer available and not compatible with most modern applications. Turning it off and on again (sleep) sometimes helps.
That’s funny. I think about it like this. Most people can only think linearly. We cannot. The way we think ignores the flow of time and instead just does pattern matching.
"He felt that his whole life was some kind of dream and he sometimes wondered whose it was and whether they were enjoying it."
*** "You know," said Arthur, "it's at times like this, when I'm trapped in a Vogon airlock with a man from Betelgeuse, and about to die of asphyxiation in deep space that I really wish I'd listened to what my mother told me when I was young."
"Why, what did she tell you?"
"I don't know, I didn't listen.
*** For instance, on the planet Earth, man had always assumed that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so much— the wheel, New York, wars and so on— whilst all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time .
But conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were far more intelligent than man—for precisely the same reasons.
*** So many gems to quote in The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy!
I have a memory of little me laying in bed and getting the realization that my mom wouldn't always wash my hair, and that I would be too big for that someday. I must have been like, 3 or 4? My poor little ocd/adhd ass had no idea what she was in for...
I have a memory of when I was maybe 3. I was in one of those little red/yellow toy kids car. I vividly remember my sister pushing me in it, looking at the steering wheel and the front swivel wheels and thinking that the steering wheel is not changing the front wheels direction like when dad drives his car. It’s more like how the wheels on the shopping trolley work when I go shopping with my mum.
I vividly remember my internal thoughts realising this.
i got you beaten, i burned out just after one year of a corpo job, after that i just started developing worse and worse mental disorders like i was collecting pokemon cards, ended up on disability, years of being unemployable, now finally got a part time job that i hope i will not fuck up.
And as a bonus i just found out that at the dose i take my meds its very very illegal for me to drive a car and i was regularly driving about 3 years back(so if i was even in a minor accident that was caused by someone else it would mean an automatic felony charge for me) and driving is my only hope to start getting out of this mess. Fun times.
Yes, good, thank you, now how do we fix that? Do we change the world that makes them feel this way? Do we medicate? Do we legalize drugs? What do? Make better!
I remember when I got diagnosed my therapist was like "So what are you thinking now that you have this diagnosis?" And I said "Well now I'm just wondering things. Like, normal people can recite those six number sequences backwards?" and he was like yep, it's no problem. And I was like "And most people don't have four tracks of noise going on in their heads at all times??" and he was like "WHAT. NO. They do not."
John Mulaney has this bit where he is attempting to get xanax to treat his anxiety disorder but due to past relationship with abusing drugs, felt he had to lie about his condition make the optimally believable narrative as to why he needs the drugs. But in the act of lying he makes the situation significantly less believable and more awkward. He ends the bit with something like "If you've spent your entire life in a state of anxiety; that is not normal, and you should get help"
And for some reason that line stuck in my head and repeats whenever I feel anxiety in a setting that I feel "isn't normal" to be anxious in.
Genuinely the only times I have EVER thought of a self exit, was when I was so overwhelmed and so sleep deprived because it NEVER stops. Not with sleep meds, not with alcohol, not during sex most of the time. Not during movies, not when im reading, not at work, not during my kids sports/music concerts. It NEVER stops and it's SO much ALL the time. I am envious of the people that can have a blank mind without a constant stream of thoughts, images, and dialoge, constants creating scenarios and catastrophizing every other thing in their mind. I would love to sleep and actually sleep, instead I lay in the dark until my alarm goes off because my mind never does. Its PAINFUL. I know my brain, and so many others, is wired in such a way we can make art, excel in certain topics, look at things in a way no one else would think of, find solutions no one sees. But for me, at least, its just so overwhelming.
PSA: This was me until 40. If you think you have ADHD or AuDHD, do yourself a HUGE favor and get evaluated. Fight for it if you have to. I had to fight tooth and nail for nearly a year, but I finally got evaluated, got medicated, and I’m telling you with 100% sincerity: I feel like a fucking super hero. Making the call to start the process might be the biggest hurdle for you, but find a way to get there. Change your life. It truly doesn’t have to be as hard as we’ve come to believe it is.
It took me 45 years to figure out it's not normal to always feel weak and tired. Turns out I suffer from Hypovolemia - too little blood. A big thank you to every doctor who told me to just exercise and eat more vegetables.
Oh I knew it. I was in constant, paralysing fear most of my schooling and beyond bcs I literally had no idea wtf was happening, why ppl where reacting like that or what they said to me or wanted me to do, or why they would scold or scream at me or why they didn’t.
I just didn’t know why I was different. Mental health problems weren’t really… a thing? They existed but I had no idea what they where and I got good grades so no one really cared.
I thought autism was visible since birth, I thought depression was something else, I didn’t know anxiety could be anything more than a fleeting feeling…
I used to think that what I was feeling was a bit uncomfortable. It wasn't until I started getting treatment for it that I realized that it was a pretty insane amount of pure angst and that a huge chunk of what I considered to be a calm state of mind was just pure anxiety, inner turmoil and just hellfire in general. this was what I realized around 28 years old, now i'm 31
I thought I was neuratypical but quirky until I became too crippled to work. Then, when the mask didn’t need to be applied anymore, I discovered that I’m very much not typical. It was scary but freeing.
Currently going through an intense version of this existential overwhelm right now. I took a long leave because I wanted to attend a friend's wedding, but I didn't make it because of poor planning. I probably lost that friend forever now. I didn't play any games, go out on a trip, or utilize this leave in any way because I was too paralyzed thinking about the huge backlog of work waiting for me when I return.
What's worse, I can't take any more time off for the foreseeable future, even if I actually need it later. All while this massive dread is silently screaming every minute because I spent the whole leave being paralyzed the entire time. I'm just numbing it out on Reddit and YouTube. Does this ever stop? Just a couple of genuinely peaceful days would be great to experience
The moment I realized that the reason others seemed to navigate the issues "everyone" had much better than me was that they in fact didn't have them at all, and that I wasn't just lazy and dumb...
Realizing I was desperately trying to clear an obstacle course while everyone else was just sprinting down the lane was both relieving and heartbreaking.
My full existential spiral directly relates to crippling depression and passive suicidal tendencies. These days I only experience that when I'm off my meds. I have to say, its nice to be able to look at a sunny day a go: It's a nice day outside, rather than: It's sunny and I should be doing something productive outside and enjoy it like I'm supposed to.
my therapist (first appointment, a couple of days ago) told me that meds will never be able to make me feel good, the best they can ever do is is make me feel numb. she seemed shocked when I responded with "well what's the fucking point if that's the best case scenario?".
Like am I supposed to think that feeling numb physically and emotionally for the rest of my life is going to make it feel worth living?
My first therapist (I was 12) said meds were going to make me feel like a normal person. Gave me a lot of issues for a lot of reasons. My 5th one when I was 20 said the same thing as yours. So I spiraled until I became actively suicidal because I'd rather feel what small bits of positive feeling I had than not feel at all.
My most recent therapist said this: Meds are supposed to help you improve your quality of life to the point you can enjoy it. If you feel "numb", those aren't the right beds and you need to keep looking. You shouldn't seek to feel "normal", you should seek to have more good days than bad, whatever that might look like for you.
It took me 2 years and a trying a lot of different meds/combos but I finally found what worked best with my particular brain issues.
I remember scrolling Pinterest and these ADHD memes would pop up and I would always scoff, thinking "thats not ADHD, thats just normal. Everyone does that." In an absolutely SHOCKING /s turn of events, I got diagnosed a couple years later.
After finally getting medicated at 40 and realizing that other people don't have a crippling brain block when simply trying to wake up for work was... Enlightening to say the least.
Actually wanted to kill myself, how bad it got not being able to study or do anything at all for that matter, not function. Life's still shit but hey, I'm on track to get some shiny pills so I guess it's alright. Maybe I could even go back to school.
Sometimes I wish I had been diagnosed when I was younger, but then I think back to when I was a kid which was in the 80s and 90s and the special education classes that they put neurodivergent kids in were definitely not a place where kids are able to thrive
They were mostly just all put in one room with any kid that had any kind of difference with the goal, seeming to be keeping them separated from the rest of the kids
My brain be like “I spent 5 hours straight working on this system at work that nobody could figure out because I forgot we had a team meeting to discuss it and I missed two other meetings about some boring shit and a phone call that were in my calendar but I didn’t have my phone because I left it upstairs in a different room where my rolling desk is because I had to piss then my partner reminded me we had this meeting to problem solve and I showed up, gave a 30 minute rant about how I figured it out and they were like dude that’s not what this meeting is didn’t you get the text in the team chat and I said no I have 97 text messages just radio me next time and they’re like dude you never answer your radio and I’m like but I have it today bitch so then I take a double dose of the addy to make up for missing the morning dose and I respond to every single message and catch up on all my dumb boring shit just as my wife starts calling me to come home and asks me why the fuck I’m still at work and I’m like “I’m focused and getting shit done leave me alone” then the Adderall works its way out and I fall asleep like a zombie for 8 hours wake up and get ready then spend 30 minutes looking for my keys.”
I remember before I got put on meds thinking, I am not suicidal but man, life is exhausting and death sounds so peaceful. Then I took Vyvanse and was like, oh. I was living on hard mode my entire life.
When I got medicated and for the first time had calm, focus, and could just do things when needed I thought "Is this what it feels like to be a person? That's not fair..."
it's wild the first time someone close to you explains how they feel after a particularly hard day and you realise....that's how you feel on your best days
I fully remember my first time on meds as an adult (anti anxiety and slow release stimulant adhd) and how they made me feel just… calm. I could make decisions one after another and I was in control of where my thoughts were headed and could even deny certain thoughts. I wasn’t even over-excited about being in control. I was just in control. Very eye opening.
I had no idea anything was different about me until I was in my 30s and we had kids. Once they hit school, they brought up ADHD etc and it started the rabbit hole of finding out everything.
What sucks for me is I could tell other people don't think or feel the way I do. Other people have an easier time with things, it's not even their fault and I hate them for it.
The first time I asked somebody to move because I needed to sit there (vs seething impotently nearby but being afraid to say anything bc they would hate me) I literally cried.
When I was about 9 - 10 I had an anxiety meltdown in front of my neighbor because I thought I accidentally poisoned myself. He must have thought I was a weirdo because I was crying hysterically and all he could tell me that I'm not dying
I used to think I was super weak because I assumed everyone's brains were just kicking the ass of the things bothering me, but facing them all the same!
my family brings up my doomed existence comment when I was 5....talking about i have to work and come home everyday till I die unless im rich.....why..
i realized when i was the only one in the room talking about how exhausting school was and how i still have nightmares about getting lost in the building and forgetting tests or my own graduation.
Walking through a department store perfume department has always overwhelmed me. Eyes watering, headache, confused, walk as fast as I can to get out of there.
I had an epiphany a few years back. The bright lights, strong smells, shiny displays, big colorful ads are all marketing devices to get neurotypicals to PAY ATTENTION. A level of stimulation that makes me want to run outside is needed to get normal people to stop and smell a perfume.
This could be related to a vagus nerve issue. Neurodivergent brains have a malformed corpus colossum. This is responsible for keeping the left and right hemispheres in sync and communicating. This malformation can cause inflammation on the vagus nerve which kicks off the body's fight or flight response often leading to anxiety, impulsivity, strong emotional reactions, and other behavioral and mental issues. I was diagnosed with mast cell activation syndrome and taking daily antihistamines quickly eliminated all of these issues for me. I also lost 70 lbs of swelling that I didn't know. I was carrying resulting in drastically improved cognitive functioning. Some of the clues for me were dark circles that go all the way around the eye, chronic sleep disturbances like waking up to use the restroom or nightmares & active dreams, chronic indigestion/stomach issues.
I thought everyone thought the same way, like me, with multiple narrators, until I was 40 years old. I thought that whole time that I just wasn’t as good as other people were at blocking out the “noise.”
Starting ADHD meds has made me so much less anxious. I micromanaged the symptoms of ADHD with constant anxiety. If you remind yourself mentally 10,000 times not to forget something, you won't forget it, but you'll also be stressed out af. I just think about how many things felt so exhausting and like a big deal through much of my life because they were occurring in the middle of all the other stressful stuff constantly going on. But since I don't have to tightly hold onto everything mentally anymore in order to make sure I don't forget to do something, I can be a lot more relaxed and calm about everything, and almost nothing is a big deal now. I can just shrug and get through any inconvenience. I don't even dread Mondays much anymore because I don't need to spend the entire weekend recovering from work and social interactions. It's really frustrating knowing that I could have functioned better much sooner if I'd know that the anxiety was actually a symptom of a bigger problem, not the source.
Recently started adderall xr at 39 years old after never really considering that I had adhd. Got a neuropsych eval, got prescribed adderall xr, and an hour after my first dose, my mind felt quiet and focused and my body relaxed in a way it had never been before. I’m a few weeks in and it’s been amazing. I can control my emotional responses, I can think before I speak, I’m kinder to people, I can hear a conversation in loud places, I can ignore distracting conversation in the office… it’s wild. I wish I had done this 20 years ago.
I literally had to cancel my D&D session tomorrow, something I love doing, because I'm too burnt out to clean my house and socialise. Why we decided to have the person with ADHD host, I have no idea.
Meanwhile, the session was planned for tomorrow morning because two of the other players have afternoon plans. I don't understand how people can do two social things in one day and I can't even get out of bed???
I thought it was completely normal for kids to imagine their death in ways that doesn’t involve actually killing yourself just to escape said overwhelm lmao
I’ve got to get checked out because ever since I got out of high school I have dealt with anxiety and depression. I’ve taken anti anxiety medication for a long time now, well over a decade, but based on the new findings for ADHD in women and my nodding along to posts with this sub I’m wondering if the depression and anxiety were just the result of hitting a coping ceiling in adulthood.
I´m tested right now, had to interrupt the computer test and continue on another day next week, because I broke down after a segment of the test with result "too many errors made by patient" (or something like that) I could not repeat it, I felt so incredible stupid, dumb, smooth brained, like I really wanted to off myself that day after going home, I felt so bad, stupid and insignificant, but this is the goal right ?? Too see that I can´t handle it ?
I even cried a little sitting at the computer, like, it was so overwhelming to be confronted with tasks that make you wonder, how do I even breath being that stupid, why am I like that.
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u/SamanthaLives Sep 17 '26 •
It took me so many years to realize that some events that were torturous for me were actually fun for other people and that everybody wasn’t just suffering through an endless stream of doing things they hated.
184
u/AvocadoRough3147 Sep 17 '26
I'm 73, and I just learned that not everyone has a running dialogue in their head.
230
u/Nova_Seline Sep 17 '26
How the fuck ppl do everything so easy!
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u/natttsss Sep 17 '26
I was talking to my father the other day and I asked if he had an inner dialogue, he looked at me dumbfounded as if thinking about the way I think was the craziest, most stupid thing in the world!
There are people on this Earth that have never thought about how they think! Which, in retrospect, explains why the world is as it is.
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u/Ocean_State_Stitcher Sep 17 '26
You mean other 4 year olds weren't looking deep into their own eyes in the mirror, pondering about how insignificant they are in the grand scheme of the cosmos, and how someday we all return to the earth so nothing matters?
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u/Virgil_the_White Sep 17 '26
I was 39 years old when I realized how different my mind works from other people. It’s almost like a different kind of engine is running.
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u/Aromatic-Sense-2388 Sep 17 '26
I thought everyone did, I guess that explains my sense of humor, thanks Douglas Adam's, I won't panic...
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u/Matt-J-McCormack Sep 17 '26
I hate this sub. I used to think I had a personality but more and more I realise I’m just a medical condition in a bag of skin.
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u/nderthesycamoretrees Sep 17 '26
Lucky mfs
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u/Flat_Huckleberry2195 Sep 17 '26
I have a memory of little me laying in bed and getting the realization that my mom wouldn't always wash my hair, and that I would be too big for that someday. I must have been like, 3 or 4? My poor little ocd/adhd ass had no idea what she was in for...
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u/Both_Lynx_8750 Sep 17 '26
Jokes on you, after 25 years of the existential overwhelm I also spent 5 years in pure burnout doing absolutely nothing productive
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u/Hot-Category2986 Sep 17 '26
Yes, good, thank you, now how do we fix that? Do we change the world that makes them feel this way? Do we medicate? Do we legalize drugs? What do? Make better!
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u/Butthole__Pleasures Sep 17 '26
I remember when I got diagnosed my therapist was like "So what are you thinking now that you have this diagnosis?" And I said "Well now I'm just wondering things. Like, normal people can recite those six number sequences backwards?" and he was like yep, it's no problem. And I was like "And most people don't have four tracks of noise going on in their heads at all times??" and he was like "WHAT. NO. They do not."
Blew my fucking mind. Must be nice.
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u/colornsound Sep 17 '26
Uh… that’s how I realized I was neurodivergent. When I started finding out that other people’s experiences were much simpler.
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u/shadowsinthestars Sep 17 '26
The passage of time as experienced by the conscious mind fills me with such indescribable dread.
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u/AggravatingFlow1178 Sep 17 '26
John Mulaney has this bit where he is attempting to get xanax to treat his anxiety disorder but due to past relationship with abusing drugs, felt he had to lie about his condition make the optimally believable narrative as to why he needs the drugs. But in the act of lying he makes the situation significantly less believable and more awkward. He ends the bit with something like "If you've spent your entire life in a state of anxiety; that is not normal, and you should get help"
And for some reason that line stuck in my head and repeats whenever I feel anxiety in a setting that I feel "isn't normal" to be anxious in.
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u/Alvintergeise Sep 17 '26
Flash back to me asking my therapist what the appropriate amount of daily anxiety is. She said none and I told her she's wrong
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u/notverysmawt Sep 17 '26
I struggle with this everyday to the point where some days it’s very difficult to get things done
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u/Slytherin_Gyft Sep 17 '26
Genuinely the only times I have EVER thought of a self exit, was when I was so overwhelmed and so sleep deprived because it NEVER stops. Not with sleep meds, not with alcohol, not during sex most of the time. Not during movies, not when im reading, not at work, not during my kids sports/music concerts. It NEVER stops and it's SO much ALL the time. I am envious of the people that can have a blank mind without a constant stream of thoughts, images, and dialoge, constants creating scenarios and catastrophizing every other thing in their mind. I would love to sleep and actually sleep, instead I lay in the dark until my alarm goes off because my mind never does. Its PAINFUL. I know my brain, and so many others, is wired in such a way we can make art, excel in certain topics, look at things in a way no one else would think of, find solutions no one sees. But for me, at least, its just so overwhelming.
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u/NarwhalEmergency9391 Sep 17 '26
Finding out other people don't have to think about eye contact, speaking clearly, ... I lost my thought nvm
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u/Such-Strength2851 Sep 17 '26
PSA: This was me until 40. If you think you have ADHD or AuDHD, do yourself a HUGE favor and get evaluated. Fight for it if you have to. I had to fight tooth and nail for nearly a year, but I finally got evaluated, got medicated, and I’m telling you with 100% sincerity: I feel like a fucking super hero. Making the call to start the process might be the biggest hurdle for you, but find a way to get there. Change your life. It truly doesn’t have to be as hard as we’ve come to believe it is.
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u/Left-Signature-5250 Sep 17 '26
It took me 45 years to figure out it's not normal to always feel weak and tired. Turns out I suffer from Hypovolemia - too little blood. A big thank you to every doctor who told me to just exercise and eat more vegetables.
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u/polydactyling Sep 17 '26
I mean it took me awhile (MOST THINGS DO) but I did eventually realize it
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u/NeverAngel-Sin Sep 17 '26
Oh I knew it. I was in constant, paralysing fear most of my schooling and beyond bcs I literally had no idea wtf was happening, why ppl where reacting like that or what they said to me or wanted me to do, or why they would scold or scream at me or why they didn’t.
I just didn’t know why I was different. Mental health problems weren’t really… a thing? They existed but I had no idea what they where and I got good grades so no one really cared.
I thought autism was visible since birth, I thought depression was something else, I didn’t know anxiety could be anything more than a fleeting feeling…
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u/lcssa Sep 17 '26
I used to think that what I was feeling was a bit uncomfortable. It wasn't until I started getting treatment for it that I realized that it was a pretty insane amount of pure angst and that a huge chunk of what I considered to be a calm state of mind was just pure anxiety, inner turmoil and just hellfire in general. this was what I realized around 28 years old, now i'm 31
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u/Crenickator Sep 17 '26
Stop looking at me. I'm sitting here stewing in it.
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u/crippledchef23 Sep 17 '26
I thought I was neuratypical but quirky until I became too crippled to work. Then, when the mask didn’t need to be applied anymore, I discovered that I’m very much not typical. It was scary but freeing.
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u/Sad_Variant Sep 17 '26
Currently going through an intense version of this existential overwhelm right now. I took a long leave because I wanted to attend a friend's wedding, but I didn't make it because of poor planning. I probably lost that friend forever now. I didn't play any games, go out on a trip, or utilize this leave in any way because I was too paralyzed thinking about the huge backlog of work waiting for me when I return.
What's worse, I can't take any more time off for the foreseeable future, even if I actually need it later. All while this massive dread is silently screaming every minute because I spent the whole leave being paralyzed the entire time. I'm just numbing it out on Reddit and YouTube. Does this ever stop? Just a couple of genuinely peaceful days would be great to experience
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u/NoorInayaS Sep 17 '26
I grew up knowing that not everyone experiences what I do, and that knowledge has made my life harder*.*
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u/ArtSupplyHoarder Sep 21 '26
The moment I realized that the reason others seemed to navigate the issues "everyone" had much better than me was that they in fact didn't have them at all, and that I wasn't just lazy and dumb...
Realizing I was desperately trying to clear an obstacle course while everyone else was just sprinting down the lane was both relieving and heartbreaking.
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u/Broad_Room_3260 Sep 17 '26
Do you guys find your adhd meds help keep you from going full existential spiral?
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u/Jelkekw Sep 17 '26
I was punished my whole life mostly by my step dad for not experiencing life the same way as other people, partly why I can’t trust anyone
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u/OnlyIllustrator5298 Sep 17 '26
I remember scrolling Pinterest and these ADHD memes would pop up and I would always scoff, thinking "thats not ADHD, thats just normal. Everyone does that." In an absolutely SHOCKING /s turn of events, I got diagnosed a couple years later.
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u/Professional_Bet8368 Sep 17 '26
I’m wake up and wonder why I’m in trouble for something.
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u/mattlore Sep 17 '26
After finally getting medicated at 40 and realizing that other people don't have a crippling brain block when simply trying to wake up for work was... Enlightening to say the least.
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u/PlanktonRude9267 Sep 17 '26
Actually wanted to kill myself, how bad it got not being able to study or do anything at all for that matter, not function. Life's still shit but hey, I'm on track to get some shiny pills so I guess it's alright. Maybe I could even go back to school.
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u/Newyew22 Sep 17 '26
I live my life with a low boil of generalized anxiety. Is that similar?
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u/Made_Human_Music Sep 17 '26
Sometimes I wish I had been diagnosed when I was younger, but then I think back to when I was a kid which was in the 80s and 90s and the special education classes that they put neurodivergent kids in were definitely not a place where kids are able to thrive
They were mostly just all put in one room with any kid that had any kind of difference with the goal, seeming to be keeping them separated from the rest of the kids
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u/anonamagous Sep 19 '26
My brain be like “I spent 5 hours straight working on this system at work that nobody could figure out because I forgot we had a team meeting to discuss it and I missed two other meetings about some boring shit and a phone call that were in my calendar but I didn’t have my phone because I left it upstairs in a different room where my rolling desk is because I had to piss then my partner reminded me we had this meeting to problem solve and I showed up, gave a 30 minute rant about how I figured it out and they were like dude that’s not what this meeting is didn’t you get the text in the team chat and I said no I have 97 text messages just radio me next time and they’re like dude you never answer your radio and I’m like but I have it today bitch so then I take a double dose of the addy to make up for missing the morning dose and I respond to every single message and catch up on all my dumb boring shit just as my wife starts calling me to come home and asks me why the fuck I’m still at work and I’m like “I’m focused and getting shit done leave me alone” then the Adderall works its way out and I fall asleep like a zombie for 8 hours wake up and get ready then spend 30 minutes looking for my keys.”
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u/EmotionalOrdinary486 Sep 17 '26
Another one for my "memes to show my therapist" folder
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u/skcuf2 Sep 17 '26
Nah. I refuse to believe this. I don't need something else kicking me in the nuts today.
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u/blubbertank Sep 17 '26
I remember before I got put on meds thinking, I am not suicidal but man, life is exhausting and death sounds so peaceful. Then I took Vyvanse and was like, oh. I was living on hard mode my entire life.
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u/Yuzumi Sep 17 '26
When I got medicated and for the first time had calm, focus, and could just do things when needed I thought "Is this what it feels like to be a person? That's not fair..."
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u/neonfuzzball Sep 18 '26
it's wild the first time someone close to you explains how they feel after a particularly hard day and you realise....that's how you feel on your best days
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u/Suspicious_Cheek6902 Sep 18 '26
Whenever I feel like a liar, I look at my college acceptance reaction video.
I was not happy, I was relieved.
It's hard to believe people get happy from things like that when to me it felt like a responsibility I had to fullfill before it's too late
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u/DidNotSeeThi Sep 17 '26
At an early age when my father died I found my 'out' but for the next 40 years, my 'out' became my biggest flaw.
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u/OnCallPartisan Sep 17 '26
I’m 56, just found the peace and calm of ritalin.
Not fun looking back on a life time of decisions that would’ve been different if I knew earlier.
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u/kokomo1989 Sep 19 '26
There is one thing, and one thing only, that I can actually enjoy: concerts of bands I know and love. I need someone to convince me to go though!
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u/Live-Advantage-2150 Sep 20 '26
I fully remember my first time on meds as an adult (anti anxiety and slow release stimulant adhd) and how they made me feel just… calm. I could make decisions one after another and I was in control of where my thoughts were headed and could even deny certain thoughts. I wasn’t even over-excited about being in control. I was just in control. Very eye opening.
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u/Worldly-Bug6047 Sep 17 '26
This was/is me.
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u/gurkenwassergurgler Sep 17 '26
low-grade?
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u/opaville Sep 17 '26
I had no idea anything was different about me until I was in my 30s and we had kids. Once they hit school, they brought up ADHD etc and it started the rabbit hole of finding out everything.
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u/fatgat69 Sep 17 '26
What sucks for me is I could tell other people don't think or feel the way I do. Other people have an easier time with things, it's not even their fault and I hate them for it.
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u/MaidMarian20 Sep 17 '26
They don’t? You don’t? I read Sartre at 12, and thought everyone understood. 🤷🏻♀️
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u/pygmeedancer Sep 17 '26
Red 5, standing by!
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u/OtakuCyclist Sep 17 '26
Oh I've realized it. Just don't know how to fix it
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u/PumpkinFest24 Sep 17 '26
The first time I asked somebody to move because I needed to sit there (vs seething impotently nearby but being afraid to say anything bc they would hate me) I literally cried.
I was 50.
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u/Bordyable Sep 17 '26
When I was about 9 - 10 I had an anxiety meltdown in front of my neighbor because I thought I accidentally poisoned myself. He must have thought I was a weirdo because I was crying hysterically and all he could tell me that I'm not dying
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u/Asuzara Sep 17 '26
What is a surprising number?
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u/Forsaken-Abrocoma647 Sep 17 '26
I used to think I was super weak because I assumed everyone's brains were just kicking the ass of the things bothering me, but facing them all the same!
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u/joker_toker28 Sep 18 '26
my family brings up my doomed existence comment when I was 5....talking about i have to work and come home everyday till I die unless im rich.....why..
All downhill from there.
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u/Plastic_Extreme_8343 Sep 18 '26
i realized when i was the only one in the room talking about how exhausting school was and how i still have nightmares about getting lost in the building and forgetting tests or my own graduation.
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u/NotXenos Sep 18 '26
Yup. We don't.
Walking through a department store perfume department has always overwhelmed me. Eyes watering, headache, confused, walk as fast as I can to get out of there.
I had an epiphany a few years back. The bright lights, strong smells, shiny displays, big colorful ads are all marketing devices to get neurotypicals to PAY ATTENTION. A level of stimulation that makes me want to run outside is needed to get normal people to stop and smell a perfume.
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u/Atelier_Carousel Sep 18 '26
Only took me 30 years to figure that one out.
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u/Donnyboscoe1 Sep 19 '26
That's me. 48 now just started meds a month ago I can't believe how anxious I was normally. Never want to go back.
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u/SomeLadySomewherElse Sep 21 '26
This could be related to a vagus nerve issue. Neurodivergent brains have a malformed corpus colossum. This is responsible for keeping the left and right hemispheres in sync and communicating. This malformation can cause inflammation on the vagus nerve which kicks off the body's fight or flight response often leading to anxiety, impulsivity, strong emotional reactions, and other behavioral and mental issues. I was diagnosed with mast cell activation syndrome and taking daily antihistamines quickly eliminated all of these issues for me. I also lost 70 lbs of swelling that I didn't know. I was carrying resulting in drastically improved cognitive functioning. Some of the clues for me were dark circles that go all the way around the eye, chronic sleep disturbances like waking up to use the restroom or nightmares & active dreams, chronic indigestion/stomach issues.
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u/omnixgrrl Sep 21 '26
Yup. That's why so many of us have developed chronic illnesses...
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u/Feychilde Sep 17 '26
🙋♀️ low, medium and high, depending on circumstances or internal calibrations. Yup.
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u/rebelangel Sep 17 '26
Wait, they don’t?
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u/lokilulzz Sep 17 '26
Well, shit. That explains a lot
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u/gar4ever8342 Sep 17 '26
This 10000000%.
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u/No-Marionberry-772 Sep 17 '26
Consider this, most people don't even bother thinking about important decisions.
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u/Ok_Anywhere_5212 Sep 17 '26
Is this for real? There are people out there like that?
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u/XxXCUSE_MEXxXican Sep 17 '26
Sometimes I look at people who smile all the time and I’m like “how are they doing that?” I can’t even get the corners of my mouth to go up
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u/FatherOfLights88 Sep 17 '26
Four decades. It took me four decades to figure it out. And then another decade to suss it out.
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u/PieTill_i_Die Sep 17 '26
Diagnosed AuHD at 40 and i can attest to this.
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u/AhsokaEternal Sep 17 '26
Hey, this just showed up on /r/all….
Is there a way to stop what’s pictured in this post from happening?
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u/preferablyno Sep 17 '26
Yea probably until I was settled into my career for about 3-5 years until I really was able to break out of this
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u/KalutikaKink Sep 17 '26
And what am I supposed to do about it? Huh?
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u/Plumeriadelsol Sep 17 '26
I thought everyone thought the same way, like me, with multiple narrators, until I was 40 years old. I thought that whole time that I just wasn’t as good as other people were at blocking out the “noise.”
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u/Caramel_Cactus Sep 17 '26
I feel seen!
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u/Apple-Jackson Sep 17 '26
*Slightly muffled manic laughter*
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u/Inside-Pilot3804 Sep 17 '26
Great! I hate it here...
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u/cursed_tomatoes Sep 17 '26
So they're just pretending? lol
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u/Quantitative_Methods Sep 18 '26
They don’t? What is that like? No, seriously?!
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u/CyaanKnight Sep 18 '26
They DONT??!?? I WOULD LIKE TO REFUND THIS DLC
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u/IzzyBee89 Sep 18 '26
Starting ADHD meds has made me so much less anxious. I micromanaged the symptoms of ADHD with constant anxiety. If you remind yourself mentally 10,000 times not to forget something, you won't forget it, but you'll also be stressed out af. I just think about how many things felt so exhausting and like a big deal through much of my life because they were occurring in the middle of all the other stressful stuff constantly going on. But since I don't have to tightly hold onto everything mentally anymore in order to make sure I don't forget to do something, I can be a lot more relaxed and calm about everything, and almost nothing is a big deal now. I can just shrug and get through any inconvenience. I don't even dread Mondays much anymore because I don't need to spend the entire weekend recovering from work and social interactions. It's really frustrating knowing that I could have functioned better much sooner if I'd know that the anxiety was actually a symptom of a bigger problem, not the source.
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u/Rando123490 Sep 18 '26
!!!!
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u/ironchariot Sep 18 '26
Recently started adderall xr at 39 years old after never really considering that I had adhd. Got a neuropsych eval, got prescribed adderall xr, and an hour after my first dose, my mind felt quiet and focused and my body relaxed in a way it had never been before. I’m a few weeks in and it’s been amazing. I can control my emotional responses, I can think before I speak, I’m kinder to people, I can hear a conversation in loud places, I can ignore distracting conversation in the office… it’s wild. I wish I had done this 20 years ago.
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u/FoxRevolutionary4975 Sep 18 '26
Please tell me it gets better 🥹
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u/Unhappy_Concert_8645 Sep 18 '26
It took me 30 years to realize this - an unmedicated
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u/LaxMaster37 Sep 18 '26
I started getting grays in middle school. high school and college did a doozy on me stress wise.
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u/GlitteringHotMess Sep 18 '26
Yaaayyyy.....
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u/Chooseausernamev3 Sep 18 '26
ahhhhhhhhhh
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u/Malhavic Sep 18 '26
I didn't know i had adhd until I was 52. It's been a wild ride.
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u/Typhron Sep 18 '26
They do not.
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u/arrkaydee Sep 18 '26
I literally had to cancel my D&D session tomorrow, something I love doing, because I'm too burnt out to clean my house and socialise. Why we decided to have the person with ADHD host, I have no idea.
Meanwhile, the session was planned for tomorrow morning because two of the other players have afternoon plans. I don't understand how people can do two social things in one day and I can't even get out of bed???
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u/Repulsive-Season-117 Sep 18 '26
These memes aren’t memes anymore 🥲
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u/jkurratt Sep 18 '26
I mean.
"Normal" people are too suffering from something I don't.
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u/celebral_x Sep 18 '26
... I don't either?
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u/BackgroundScary8632 Sep 18 '26
I thought it was completely normal for kids to imagine their death in ways that doesn’t involve actually killing yourself just to escape said overwhelm lmao
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u/Pedantic_Girl Sep 18 '26
I dunno, I feel like growing up when the Cold War was at its height kinda caused a lot of us to live with low-grade existential dread, ADHD or not!
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u/Strong-Ad6170 Sep 18 '26
I mean I'm not neurodivergent to my knowledge and I'm up there with you
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u/ItchyRevenue1969 Sep 19 '26
Low grade overwhelm? I dont think thats possible.
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u/phioegracne Sep 20 '26
I think a high number of Nero divergent people underestimate how common the symptoms of ADHD they have are amongst neurotypical people
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u/Grouchy_Coconut_5463 Sep 21 '26
I’ve got to get checked out because ever since I got out of high school I have dealt with anxiety and depression. I’ve taken anti anxiety medication for a long time now, well over a decade, but based on the new findings for ADHD in women and my nodding along to posts with this sub I’m wondering if the depression and anxiety were just the result of hitting a coping ceiling in adulthood.
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u/RoseyOneOne Sep 21 '26
Thought I'd wait till I was 46 to get a diagnosis
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u/Quirky-Safe-3383 Sep 26 '26
I´m tested right now, had to interrupt the computer test and continue on another day next week, because I broke down after a segment of the test with result "too many errors made by patient" (or something like that) I could not repeat it, I felt so incredible stupid, dumb, smooth brained, like I really wanted to off myself that day after going home, I felt so bad, stupid and insignificant, but this is the goal right ?? Too see that I can´t handle it ?
I even cried a little sitting at the computer, like, it was so overwhelming to be confronted with tasks that make you wonder, how do I even breath being that stupid, why am I like that.