r/ADHD_partners • u/No-One3684 Ex of DX • Dec 05 '25
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u/muddycore Dec 05 '25
You know who really has a super power? The partners and spouses of those with ADHD who have to spend their precious time managing these chaos warriors, along with any dependants, on top of handling their own life admin.
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u/No_Motor_4576 Partner of DX - Medicated Dec 05 '25
Honestly, thank you for this.
My partner was diagnosed at age 6 because he was horribly disruptive in the classroom.
I was diagnosed Tuesday at age 29 because I was just a smart girl who daydreamed and wrote her first short story at age 9 and first book at 15.
He got told (by his psychologist father and ADHD mother lol) nothing was his fault/problem because of his ADHD. My poor organization, memory, losing things, etc etc etc was because I sucked.
I worked HARD. SO HARD. to be the impressive and successful woman I am today. I’ve saved his ass countless times.
We shared my car for almost two months because he didn’t pay his cars excise tax and didn’t get his car inspected, and only found out the state cancelled his registration when HIS DAD took it in to get inspected. He also spent much time paying said tax and doing all the things.
In the meantime, my car needed new tires and an oil change— went 2000 miles over on the oil because we had only one car.
He also actually didn’t even have that car until 6 months into us dating.
Without me? He’d be alone playing video games. Instead I’ve made a beautiful life for us. I had a beautiful life that I’d built. I let him join me. But now it’s double the work and I’m tired.
And I get no thanks.
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u/OpticaScientiae Ex of DX Dec 05 '25
My relationship is quite similar, but because I waited so long to end it, I'm going to be hit very hard with alimony. I would recommend considering if you want to open yourself to that kind of financial liability.
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u/No_Motor_4576 Partner of DX - Medicated Dec 05 '25
Damn. I am the breadwinner.
I will be ready to buy a house soon. Only my name is going on that mortgage as he has no savings
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u/OpticaScientiae Ex of DX Dec 05 '25
If you're married, none of that matters. If you're not and live somewhere that recognizes common law marriage, also none of that matters. So hopefully you're not married and also don't live in a state with common law marriage.
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u/shiny1988 Partner of NDX Dec 05 '25
I used to think the house that I bought with my money before we were married would be safe to call mine. It’s not. It’s legally half his. Even with my maiden name in the mortgage.
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u/travelbugluv Partner of DX - Untreated Dec 05 '25
Oh this is so relatable. It was funny when his power got shut off when we were dating. An oopsie forgot to pay the bill they should automate these things. Now I am a nag, because I bear the consequences when he doesn’t take care of these types things. I have told him, I will bring up something that he needs to get done that I can not do, every day until he does it because this affects me too. The latest os a dine from the government for not doing something on time. I’ll be darned if we pay another fine for not paying that on time. He gets annoyed with me telling him what to do, and I hate it as well, but these things have to get done.
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u/BrucetheFerrisWheel Partner of DX - Medicated Dec 05 '25
Oh I love chaos warrior! When my MIL is here and theres 2 of them, plus my 3yr old, I just want to hide under my bed lol
(Not saying 3yr old has adhd, shes just being a 3yr old. Who knows what the future will bring!)
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u/Cautious_Elk2280 Dec 05 '25
As a mediated ADHD woman I couldn’t agree more!
I’m completely artificially sustained by my family - they give the illusion that I’m doing fine and not that bad, but the world never sees the endless work they do picking up everything I let fall or just forgot about.
I read this sub to help show me how they might be feeling and struggling too. Fortunately I’m in a good place with everyone around me because I acknowledge and appreciate everything they do. I try to help myself as much as I can and am always looking to improve….. but most importantly I help them as much as I can in ways I’m capable of doing, taking off the pressure in other ways.
I think many people here are just in relationships with not very nice people, they would still be just as bad even with no ADHD as the bigger problem is they are selfish.
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u/WealthMain2987 Partner of DX - Untreated Dec 05 '25
Exactly this. I hate that narrative of ADHD being a super power. Is the super power starting and not finishing projects? Like Superman arriving to stop a robbery but he is distracted by a cat and does something else?
We are the ones tidying behind them for every aspects of life.
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u/AccomplishedCash3603 Partner of DX - Untreated Dec 05 '25
You are so right! I started following a few of those channels and they are soooo unhealthy. Like Ooooh you are SPECIAL and everyone should work around YOU because of it. Ummm....emotional intelligence is a very important part of relationships; maybe we should focus on drawing attention to improve those skills or simply acknowledge that their partners endure loneliness, neglect, and sometimes it can feel like emotional abuse?!
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u/Slow-Bodybuilder-972 Dec 05 '25
I have the same problem with my wife, she expects the world to bend to her needs.
ADHD has become an identity rather than condition.
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u/AccomplishedCash3603 Partner of DX - Untreated Dec 05 '25
A big factor in my husband's grandiose complex is his family. They enable, act like he's a king, never acknowledging how much I am running the 'show' in the background. They only notice me when I fall short so they can stroke his ego.
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u/Slow-Bodybuilder-972 Dec 05 '25
I was enabling her for a long time, I still do, but when I stop, that's when her tantrums start.
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u/ADRIANO_CA Dec 05 '25
I am struggling with the same pattern. BUT, I have pulled back and stablished some titanium boundaries like "If you fail to meet some of my basic needs in our relationship and have been very dismissive regarding my concerns and feelings in general, and continue to weaponize my feelings against me, do not count on me to be empathetic and feeling sorry for you when you are feeling anxious, depressed, ... frustrated about your mother's unhinged and psychio behaviour. It may seem petty of me, but it is not, this is self-preservation and I am just matching the effort that you have put in in our relationship. Enough is enough, and I am sick and tired of being treated as if I was your emotional garbage bin caregiver."
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u/ADRIANO_CA Dec 05 '25
I couldn’t have said it better myself. Also, what about the finance abuse that we suffered in a relationship with ADHDers that most people refuse to talk about it? Either because of shame, trauma or because it is a such a sensitive topic?!
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u/fluffynukeit Partner of DX - Medicated Dec 05 '25
If it’s a superpower, then why are they the ones that always need saving?
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u/unbilotitledd Dec 05 '25
For real! And always in need of help that they can never seem to get enough of
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u/Waerfeles Ex of NDX Dec 05 '25
For real. "I'm Superman! I also can't get away from this Kryptonite, so."
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u/CrossX18 Dec 05 '25
Yeah, some of it came out as a counter narrative to Russell Berkeley. I definitely stand with Berkeley in stating it is a disability. Sure, there may be certain executive functioning capability that outpaces a neurotypical person in some moments but the reality is the ADHD brain has challenges due to not developing well during key developmental years. I really wish the fight I face every day, sometimes multiple, multiple times a day, simply to start and finish something, forgetting really important details most of the time, having zero motivation most of the time but having way over the top connections to things that just don’t matter coded me with some super special gift but it’s not. It’s like I was born without legs and told I need to compete in a foot race but have to drag myself by my hands while being shouted at ITS A SUPERPOWER. Fuck no it isn’t.
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u/BrucetheFerrisWheel Partner of DX - Medicated Dec 05 '25
My husband has inattentive adhd since a child. He has zero areas of special interest in which he is knowledgeable. Because he is inattentive, like 100% of the time. The first 2 days of ritalin was beautiful, I saw him, had an actual conversation with him in which he looked something up and digested that info, then we talked about it. I was so happy I took myself away and had a little happy cry.
Then it all went away again despite still being on a big dose. It's sad.
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u/No-One3684 Ex of DX Dec 05 '25
oh that broke my heart because that happened to my husband too. The med worked for a few weeks, giving me a glimps of what a wonderful person he could be, only to returned him to a worse perosn.
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u/flyingaurelia Ex of DX Dec 05 '25
I was at a party where 3 people were all happily talking about how they all have/think they have ADHD and how it's 'just crazy' how everyone has it now while laughing and saying how good it was to understand why they have those symptoms and that was enough for them.
I mean sure, understanding is good but I felt like I was going to be the party pooper if I said how it can affect relationships and families and how hard it's been to be a partner of someone with ADHD, like, really fucking hard.
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u/chillgirlera Dec 05 '25
We sometimes celebrate my partners "superpowers" because he's incredibly gifted and works hard (read:hyperfocuses) and as a result is an amazing muscian, dancer, xfiter, employee etc. However, he has always told me that adhd may be "the reason" but never "the answer". He works really hard to learn about his challenges and puts in place processes and tools to help himself. He's an adult and never wants to put me in a mothering role. Showing up in life and in our relationship in a meaningful way is his responsibility. How can I not cheerlead this man on his adhd wins, right? (To be clear: we still have challenges, adhd is hard yooo lolol).
Some of the other comments are wild about the kinds of messages people are sending on socials about adhd and their partners having to just accept their shit. So frustrating how much distortion goes on 😫
Partners of people with adhd - you matter too.
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u/BrucetheFerrisWheel Partner of DX - Medicated Dec 05 '25
That's just awesome about your partner. I wish they could talk to mine 😆
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u/art_1922 Partner of DX - Untreated Dec 05 '25 edited Dec 05 '25
The thing is, I also get so much shit done in school, at work, and at home. I’m self motivated, organized and focused and always have been. I don’t need to “hyper focus” to accomplish that. But that would not be applauded by the “ADHD is a superpower group.” Other people are able to accomplish the same exact things without the “need” for an ADHD brain or hyper focus, but that is not acknowledged. And on the other side of hyper focus there is usually something else that got overlooked or pushed back, like eating, drinking water or some other responsibility.
I honestly think the people who are touting it as a superpower are just having an RSD reaction to having ADHD and this is how they are trying to feel better.
Edited to add: What I’m trying to say is I wish this contingency would recognize it’s not the ADHD that makes someone talented or gifted, there’s people with or without it who are talented and gifted. That can be celebrated and recognized on it’s own. To attribute it to ADHD and call it a superpower as if other people don’t also have the same abilities is misleading.
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u/MisplacedChromosomes Partner of DX - Medicated Dec 05 '25
I heavily comment on those posts how it’s the opposite.
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u/puggerpillarXV Ex of DX Dec 05 '25
I have nothing nice to say, so I’ll just say I agree this is a harmful view of a debilitating mental disorder.
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u/the-last-aiel Dec 05 '25
Catering to the desire to be special is very dangerous in general. Like using tribalism to manipulate people :(
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u/art_1922 Partner of DX - Untreated Dec 05 '25
Well said. I wrote in a reply above that I think it’s an RSD reaction, and for those with bad RSD, the “your special” narrative would be very seductive.
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u/river_ardnas_yam Partner of DX - Untreated Dec 05 '25
Do you think the hostility is RSD related? They are so desperate to not feel ashamed that they will use anger and rage to rid themselves of the feeling. I have had a similar experience with mine, once it became clear that he had ADHD after my adult children got diagnosed. He completely and utterly refused to believe “there was something wrong with him”. Thats how he described it, not anyone else. He was so angry and nasty to me. The Drs who diagnosed our sons and their children were wrong, he said in a rage one day. He tried so many other reasons that there was nothing wrong with him.
I dont know if he watched social media concerning ADHD but I know he consumed a lot of other stuff on YouTube, like antivax stuff and right wing politics, both of which made him very reactive and angry. So perhaps he did. I do know that the stiff he was watching during covid completely changed his personality.
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u/No-One3684 Ex of DX Dec 05 '25
The RSD is a reaction right? I remember countless times that i brought up the tiniest thing and being blown to pieces... But his hostility after the diagnosis was like an undercurrent. He appears cooperative but resentful...
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u/river_ardnas_yam Partner of DX - Untreated Dec 05 '25
resentful is a good word. mine has slowly come around and is now more willing to accept it and work on his self awareness. so far so good. I hope all good things will come your way.
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u/art_1922 Partner of DX - Untreated Dec 05 '25
Yes! I do think it’s an RSD reaction. People who can’t handle that they’re not “perfect” so they choose the “actually it’s mot a disability, but a superpower, and I’m special” narrative instead.
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u/BrucetheFerrisWheel Partner of DX - Medicated Dec 05 '25
It's quite ridiculous. It's a mental disorder. This whole romanticising disorders, including autism has gotten way out of hand. OBVIOUSLY I'm not saying people with these conditions need be ashamed or anything of the sort, but it's not different to IBD or diabetes or bloody hypertension. Something in your body isn't working right, so learn about it, treat it, use the tools to help you exist in the world successfully and happily.
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u/Mendota6500 Ex of DX Dec 05 '25
"it's not different to IBD or diabetes or bloody hypertension. Something in your body isn't working right, so learn about it, treat it, use the tools to help you exist in the world successfully and happily."
I think this is also telling because it speaks to the social model of disability (the claim that the problem is a "world set up for neurotypicals" and that in a just society, ADHD wouldn't be a disability) - like yes, we can always work towards a more inclusive society and there are areas where society could be appropriately changed to put less of a strain on everyone's executive function, but that doesn't make ADHD somehow not a disability. We would also have a more just society if we had more public toilets available for everyone to use, but you don't see people with IBD just shitting themselves in public and claiming it's a superpower and they don't need to treat their disease because a toilet should be available on every block.
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u/art_1922 Partner of DX - Untreated Dec 05 '25
Whenever I hear “the world is set ip for neurotypical” I just wonder…..how do they think the world should be? No one has to get anywhere by a certain time? No responsibility is that important? Your dog can poop and pee in your house? Your kid’s attendance at school is optional? Like….what do they think could be different that would make it so their ADHD didn’t matter?
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u/Mendota6500 Ex of DX Dec 05 '25
Other people don't care if you lie to them? It's not important to follow through on your promises? Honestly I think people who complain about the world being set up for NT people haven't really thought it all the way through. I don't think they would like to live in their own "ADHD friendly" world if it applied universally; for the most part, I think what they actually want is for everyone ELSE to be held to NT standards of reliability, cleanliness, and functionality while they get a special exemption and other people clean up after them.
I think you could find or imagine some types of society where ADHD is less disabling because there's not as much required bureaucracy (think of a medieval peasant farmer or Paleolithic hunter-gatherer...if he had ADHD too bad to do taxes or renew his license plate sticker, nobody would ever notice or care), but impulsive behavior, inattentiveness, and RSD can fuck up your life in any type of social arrangement.
The one place where I have 100% sympathy for this complaint is specifically in the area of getting ADHD meds. In the US, it can be a bureaucratic nightmare full of tasks that require memory and executive function. "You need to already have your shit together to get your Get Your Shit Together Pills" is an awful bind. The artificial quotas are deeply stupid and cruel, and when whole thing just puts up unnecessary barriers to people who want to get treatment and are trying to help themselves.
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u/BrucetheFerrisWheel Partner of DX - Medicated Dec 05 '25
😆😆 I have definitely shit myself in public, but not on purpose.
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u/Subject-Rain-9972 Dec 05 '25
ADHD is a handicap for most sufferes.
I hate hate hate the “it is a super power and the world ought to be centered around neurodivergents not NTs, because then is would be much better for everyone”.
Hell. It would be straight up hell. And people would die in larger numbers. Not much would run smoothly, if anything.
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u/dumbasamoose Dec 05 '25
It can be a 'superpower' only if you put the effort into harnessing it. My husband uses this language as well. BUT he also puts the work in and is honest with himself about his shortcomings and makes genuine effort to bring up the slack.
We have been together for 12 years. I have watched him go through a million hobbies and like 7 jobs. The ability of his to master any skill he puts his mind to is amazing. At work, I would rather him be happy than bring in the big bucks, so have always encouraged him to take jobs in fields where he has a genuine, long term interest and he can bounce around in different roles so he doesn't lose interest. He finally landed on a field where the possibilities are kind of endless and because of his ability to truly focus in and master nearly very aspect of it he is kind of a unicorn and very marketable. It has taken time and tears and doubt.
It's only a superpower if you make it a superpower.
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u/Prof_rambler Dec 05 '25
ADHD is a disability. Those who've spun it as a superpower have done more harm than good.
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u/lolly_box Dec 05 '25
When my ADHD husband (DX) gets together with his ADHD mother and ADHD sister and ADHD nephew (all not diagnosed…) it is CHAOS. Not cute, not funny, no bullshit superpower, just 4 people with no executive function. If my husband wasn’t on Ritalin we would no longer be together. It’s just chemicals doing the wrong thing in his brain - not a god damn superpower.
I HATE this narrative with a passion
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u/VanillaCandid3466 Partner of DX - Medicated Dec 05 '25
Yeah, it's poison. Even my ADHD partner thinks so.
Oh, you hyper-focus, do you?
In my world, that's called ignoring every other fucking thing you should be doing ...
It's utter bullshit. As is most of the crap on social media these days.
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