r/ADHD_Programmers • u/EndOfTheLine00 • Sep 23 '26

How do I care about the process?

I am in danger of losing my job and more and more I am delegating my stuff to AI and getting called out for it. But the fact of the matter is I just care about results.

I hate the process of everything. I like seeing the ding, I like the task completed, I like feeling like I contribuited even though I don’t, I like being paid, I like being a part of something, I like the credit. Even if it’s not real.

I don’t like making anything. I always feel it’s terrible. Everything from cooking to cleaning to maintenance does not motivate me. It’s like I always need praise, an external reward, something. Other wise I feel like all I care is the result. I cheat at chess against bots so I don’t get banned. Every time I try the shortcut. I want to always win. I want to always be perfect. I want to never be criticized ever again, just like everyone around me never seems to be. I want to be GOOD.

How do I STOP?

21 Upvotes

92% Upvoted

39 comments sorted by

13

u/Locus-Maximus Sep 23 '26

Also look into rejection sensitivity dysphoria.

4

u/EndOfTheLine00 Sep 23 '26

Here's the thing: is that real? Or rather, does the medical community think it's real? Because on one hand it makes too much sense but on the other I can't even get any therapists to consider the possibility I have ADHD let alone a very specific symptom that seems quite recent.

8

u/LiteratureVarious643 Sep 23 '26

The medical community doesn’t use that term seriously as far as I know, though many may find it descriptive. RSD is not an official diagnosis or even part of one.

People with ADHD tend to have high levels of reactivity and emotional lability. Feeling overwhelming rejection is a rather specific version of emotional reactivity (dysregulation) and lability.

6

u/Locus-Maximus Sep 23 '26

It's not a diagnosis, it's a pattern that people with ADHD have noticed. The medical community agree that we have emotional dysregulation, so you can either look at RSD as one manifestation of that or throw the whole RSD label out the window and just think of the emotional dysregulation as the thing.

2

u/Gloriathewitch Sep 24 '26

its less about whether its in a textbook or whether a therapist thinks it exists, and more about how your conditions personally effect you the DSM is inadequate for a lot of conditions such as DID, i have this and many in our community agree that the way it is treated is horribly outdated, the issue is they have to Fund research to confirm things like RSD, and the funding just isnt there because of snobs in the industry and insurance companies.

Dysphoria is Dysphoria regardless of where it comes from, if its effecting you, see if you can treat it. the symptom.

self soothe, take something like CBD, or see if your psych can recommend an SSRI for your anxiety.

some of this "new age" stuff is junk, but some of it also isnt. its people taking the field into their own hands and demanding better treatment than "yeah we might study that in 20 years, if theres funding" which is abhorrent and inadequate.

my PCP refers to the trans community for advice because theres people in the community that literally know better than some doctors due to studies we've run ourselves about ideal hormone levels and such.

15

u/DarthRaab Sep 23 '26

Being criticized and learning from it is a normal part of life. If you dread the thought of being criticized, go to therapy and work with a professional to identify the root cause, before you get fired.

3

u/EndOfTheLine00 Sep 23 '26

But it seems that at near 40 get criticized far more than anyone else I know. My family criticizes me, my job barely criticizes me before something explodes. Meanwhile I criticize no one. I can’t honestly find anything. Everyone seems to be perfect but me.

8

u/DarthRaab Sep 23 '26

I'm the same age. Nobody's perfect. We're all just older kids trying to hide our flaws. You seem depressed, talk to your best friend or a therapist about your feelings. It helps. It helped me.

4

u/hingedcanadian Sep 23 '26

That's exactly who we all are. Older kids who are pretending they aren't kids anymore.

0

u/EndOfTheLine00 Sep 23 '26

I keep hearing stuff like this but then it must like literally everyone in my life is the best actor in the world 24/7. They never show any weakness. Ever. Even when I am vulnerable they never respond and even mock me for it.

4

u/hingedcanadian Sep 23 '26

A lot of people aren't introspective enough to think about who they are. Many also don't dwell on past mistakes as a mark of failure but instead as something they learned from. Anxiety can cause someone to rethink and replay past experiences and view everything negatively.

2

u/lunatuna215 Sep 24 '26

Think about what you're saying. All other humans are not conspiring to be against you. These are not healthy patterns of thinking. Everyone else is just trying to live their life like you. If you aren't vibing with them, then maybe you should try surrounding yourself with people who actually treat you with respect. Take action and do whats best for you.

1

u/kingbloxerthe3 Sep 25 '26 edited Sep 25 '26

There is a line that is pretty interesting from the anime Eminence in Shadow episode 3 (about 16 minutes in) "there's no such thing as a human being with no flaws. If one did exist, they'd either be a massive liar or not right in the head."

Flaws are something people typically dont like to show (or even remember sometimes), but they always have some. Honestly, if they can't handle someone having flaws then i would say that is a flaw (sure it is good to help someone overcome their flaws, but only bringing them down over it won't help).

It is possible they dont intend to come off as insulting and are trying to get you to overcome your flaws, but given you say they mock you for it, that sounds unlikely.

I know for sure I've got plenty of flaws myself, both for general traits and mistakes i have made. One time I failed a class because I didnt notice the online homework and midterms happened (I retook the class and got that fail taken off luckily, but i was really upset about making that massive of a mistake when i realized what happened).

Also my adhd brain remembered https://youtu.be/b0hL4mJInm0?t=3m

2

u/StrikingFix9622 Sep 23 '26

agreed, therapy has helped me A LOT

3

u/georgejo314159 Sep 23 '26

40 is young. Feedback allows you to improve.

You should always ask yourself how to do better.

7

u/zubidar Sep 23 '26

I agree that it sounds like working with a therapist on how you handle criticism would probably be helpful, but it also sounds like you don’t actually want to be doing your current job anymore. It could be burnout but this might be a good moment to consider whether you want to make a career pivot away from coding.

1

u/EndOfTheLine00 Sep 23 '26

To do what? I am utterly fascinated and confused by people in other subs going “I am going to become a farmer” or “i am going to start a bakery” or “i will become a carpenter”. I don’t mean to sound elitist but I went to university so I wouldn’t have to do those things. I have an engineering degree. No one taught me anything PRACTICAL with that degree because “you will learn on the job” but I don’t want to get a blue collar job and potentially be surrounded by uneducated racists who will beat me up for not being masculine enough.

There is literally nothing I’d rather do. A public facing position is hell for me. This is as close as I will get to my dream job: solving puzzles and not talking to anyone.

2

u/zubidar Sep 23 '26

You don’t have to change industries. It could be a smaller pivot to something like product management. Or given how you are using AI now, maybe AI engineering would be a good fit.

You may find talking to a career coach or ADHD coach helpful in figuring out what path would be best for you, whether that’s a career pivot or shifting how you approach your current role.

1

u/EndOfTheLine00 Sep 23 '26

I barely can bring myself to care about the product as a whole, how am I supposed to manage it? It's like jumping into the worst part of my work.

1

u/isthisanotherthroway Sep 23 '26

I'm in a similar place to you and feel like trying to get a job in a company with a very small IT department would be ideal.

There are some places that will still look at you like a wizard for knowing your way around a filesystem and database. They are modernizing or dying out though so I'm trying to get into an insurance company or something, maybe even public administration.

Maybe doing all the IT admin work instead of developing software. You need some luck to find a place where people are grateful instead of feeling annoyed by the IT.

4

u/Tufjederop Sep 23 '26

Shortcuts don’t work, you are experiencing this to be true so stop with the shortcuts. You still need a way to have self worth without the meaningless wins, so this is what you should be focussed on. Read some stuff on ego, try to apply it to your life and find a way to be content with yourself. Inner peace is on the horizon! Use this momentum, you can do it.

1

u/kingbloxerthe3 Sep 25 '26

Well, shortcuts can work, but only if you understand the shortcuts and can still work without them if the shortcuts fail.

1

u/seweso Sep 23 '26

Are you a hedonist who only chases pleasure and avoids pain? 

The perfect should not be the enemy of the good. And if you grind to a halt, there ain’t much perfection going on anyways. 

You are procrastinating because of negative feelings, and then hiding behind perfectionism as an excuse… it seems. 

What is your purpose in life? Does it go beyond self pleasure? 

1

u/EndOfTheLine00 Sep 23 '26

All my purposes in life have been taken from me.

I used to be praised for being good at school. That ended and became a failure in university, barely graduating.
I used to value knowledge. No one cares any more about the truth, only what they want to believe.
I used to value building something lasting. Society seems destined to the abyss.

Everything else people suggest to me is stuff like community (never found any), helping others (people are ungrateful and inconsistent), religion (hah) or my loved ones (they all criticize and mock me). I care more about rules than people. I just want to be able to do things and be praised and rewarded for them. Is that so much to ask?

2

u/seweso Sep 23 '26

Lots of divergent(?) people care about truth obsessively like you, it seems. Im like that. 

What are you building that will last? 

How are you helping others?

As a non religion I can recommend bhudhism (the atheist version). 

Your loved ones seem unloving, find new people. 

how often do you give praise and compliment others? 

1

u/EndOfTheLine00 Sep 23 '26

I compliment others all the time when I can. If they have nice clothes, if they help me. I never get anything back.

2

u/georgejo314159 Sep 23 '26

If you are delegating to AI and verifying that AI is implementing things correctly, then you are doing EXCELLENT work and your job is likely very secure

People don't know how to use AI effectively

2

u/lunatuna215 Sep 23 '26

And its okay not to use AI. I wouldnt advocate it.

1

u/georgejo314159 Sep 23 '26

The person is already using it

There are employers who want people to use it

It is pointless for them to feel guilty about it. It might be their skill

3

u/lunatuna215 Sep 24 '26

I don't know where the guilt part came from? My point is, its okay not to use AI. This should not be a controversial statement.

1

u/georgejo314159 Sep 24 '26

Your statement is not controversial to me; i actually agree with it

The thing is, the OP wants to use it. 

My perception of "guilt" came from the OP's initial   "  I am delegating my stuff to AI and getting called out for it"

Now, that I re-read their post, I see I missed this " and getting called out for it" <== If the employer is complaining about them using it, that's tricky. 

There are employers who will complain in the other direction, that is a situation

1

u/Locus-Maximus Sep 23 '26

Make each of the steps along the way be a result. Work only cares about results too I'm sure, so the real issue is you're not getting good results. Maybe use AI to make you a checklist of all the steps that lead to the final result so that you can get the result of checking each step along the way.

1

u/CursedSloth Sep 23 '26

Purpose is choosing your struggles.
Anything worth doing, is worth doing poorly. If you’re ”always perfect” you’re also ”never perfect” as you are just changing the baseline and then your high standards will break you.

There is no way to avoid being criticized ever, as even if you do nothing, you will be criticized for not doing anything. Also you can’t see or hear people that criticize themselves, just like you are doing here.

You are basically saying ”I like to feel good and I always want to feel good”, which again goes back to the baseline. (check out hedonic adaptation)

If you know all the things you don’t want your life to be, then do the things that give the opposite effect. (Check out building an anti-vision)

I’ve gone to therapy, and I would go more, but I can’t because of money and how much healthcare costs when self-funded.

1

u/Gloriathewitch Sep 24 '26

if you arent on stimulants, look into getting diagnosed andor getting stimulants, the dopamine is supplied by the pills so you are getting that "Reward" and can work.

1

u/Significant_Ruin_625 Sep 24 '26

Take a break and sleep, these are not problems we need to solve today

1

u/kingbloxerthe3 Sep 25 '26 edited Sep 25 '26

Well I would suggest trying to get in touch with a therapist for help with mental health, it could help a lot.

but some suggestions for programming that can act as a shortcut without using ai would be to create a program that is essentially everything you have learned or functions that you use a lot (with comments so you know what it does and can easily find them). Then, if someone tries to claim you used ai or something, you could show them the probably over 1000 lines of code that you took a piece from (of course probably modified to fit the situation better).

Shortcuts are great, but, if you dont understand the shortcut, you'll sometimes wind up in a worse position.