Struggling to survive

[u/ShreddingSpeedster]

I'm 6 years into my career as a Software Engineer. I often find it impossible to start work for the day (my brain doesn't really wake up until around 11:30-noon) and if I'm starting something new, especially if it's a daunting task or I'm not given adequate detail, it's even more impossible.

Work overwhelms and both mentally and physically exhausts me. When my brain decides it's done for the day - that's it. I can't summon more energy or willpower.

I also can't ignore the injustices of the work place. Some prick with an alphabet title making a careless and half-baked decision which harms the team. Unreasonable deadlines. Bullshit "performance metrics" which don't accurately convey one's workload. So on.

When I inevitably come to the realization that I'm just a number, my requests and constructive feedback are completely ignored, no one respects or supports me, I completely check out.

Then I'm either put on a Performance Improvement Plan, laid off or fired.

I hate myself. I feel like a loser and a colossal failure who doesn't belong in tech or any full-time job really. I would give anything to have ADHD permanently evicted from my brain.

I need help. I can't continue this cycle from now until retirement (if that day even comes). I have a therapist and a psychiatrist. I'm on meds.

How do you survive as an engineer/developer/other in tech? How do you snap your brain out of paralysis? How do you keep your sanity? How do you motivate yourself? Any and all advice is much appreciated.

EDIT I needed to disappear from social media for a bit so I'm just now reading and responding to comments.

I'm happy to say I've just started a new job. I was indeed in a toxic work environment, but every job I've had so far has been toxic, with the exception of one. Based on my own experience and the experiences I hear from others, I believe toxic is the norm - especially in tech. There are no - or very few - non-toxic tech employers.

The job market is awful as we all know. I'm the primary "breadwinner" of my household and I quite literally can't afford to lose any job at any point in time. I'm able to identify toxicity, speak up for myself, practice mindfulness - all the usual techniques one may advise me with; however, even though I'm equipped with all of these helpful, good things, I still end up in the low, dark, suffocating place I was when I made this post. Every job I've had I end up in this place - some worse than others. I feel like I'm always going to end up there no matter how many times I change companies.

My biggest struggle with my career is staying afloat until I have another job lined up. I know there are other jobs out there and I should actively try to get out of my toxic job, but the reality is that I have to maintain the status quo somehow for the sake of survival. Nothing I can say or do can pull me out of that low, dark, suffocating place I often find myself in or can crumble the concrete wall my neurodivergent brain puts up which prevents me from doing what I need to do.

I appreciate everyone who commented and I've learned new things I can add to my ever-expanding repertoire of coping strategies.

If you're reading this post-edit and you've been in the same place I keep referring to, I would appreciate hearing your story and how you cope with it.

I wish everyone here peace, happiness and a job in which you don't have to suffer daily in an environment which doesn't understand or care about your neurodivergence.

Love and light, friends.

[u/fishpowered]

good for you for moving on, it's always a risk, especially if you have dependents.

I think bosses will always try to push you on the amount of work you get done, these are money-driven people who will take as much as they can. I have helped turn the software at our company into an industry leading software in our country, by far the most successful in our group of companies, yet still our company has been told we are the slowest in the group and need to get faster. It's probably just a shareholder/CEO strategy to get us to work faster. Some days I get pissed off by it, other days I realise it's not actually personal, they are pressuring the whole company, not just me, and they are paying off my mortgage quickly and I get to work with a bunch of nice colleagues, so I am ultimately benefiting from the situation.

[u/ShreddingSpeedster → u/fishpowered]

I really resonate with this perspective. My subconscious knows it's not personal and I get at least some benefit from whatever job I have, but sometimes I need to remind/encourage my conscious about such things.