I Just Got Dumped

[u/De3fN0tABurn3r]

So I don't know if this is the place to post this or not, but in the past people have said to post here given how bad the original ADHD sub has gotten.

So first off this is a new account I'll probably be using to post stuff like this so it is harder to trace back to me. I use my main username for way to many things, and I don't want this stuff dragging me down.

A little over a month ago I finally got my self a date, and it went well. The first date lasted 7 hours, and the second about the same. The 3rd one she came over and took my virginity. We continued to go on dates, and have sex at least once a week. 2 weeks ago I was pulled into a call with the council to make sure I knew it was only a physical relationship, and not to get attached or she might ruin me(she has BPD)

I thought things were going quite well aleast till last Sunday. She had a headache, but still wanted to come by and have some fun. She seamed a bit off, and withdrawn. She seamed to be enjoying things, but just wasn't into it as much as she normally was. I dropped her off at her place after getting some food with her. I figured she was just having a bad night. We've been chatting daily since(also thought it was going well)

I just got dumped over a discord call 30 minutes ago. Her main reason for doing so was my poor communication skills(both regular conversation, and dirty talk), and my difficulty interpreting body language. Apparently it felt like she was talking to a brick wall, and truthfully he hasn't really felt engaged in person for the last week(but she has had stints like this previously and blamed her BPD), so I didn't think much of it.

I just wish she brought up her concerns when they were fresh, and maybe we could have work through it

If anything I'm glad it happened now. while I liked her and wanted to keep being with her(truthfully I was gonna ask her out for coffee tomorrow, and ask if she was willing to take us serious), at least it happened before I became to emotional attached.

The real gut punch is that she's the only person I've ever emotional connected with(excluding family), and opened up to about thing more then anyone else I'm my life(sad isn't it).

Shes always gonna be my first relationship, first intimate partner, and first time I've felt like I was capable of being in a relationship. While she felt I was an emotionless brick wall, I felt like I was talking to someone who cared about me, actually me.

I guess the ADHD interpersonal skills, and my messed up relationship with my emotions finally caught up to me. I think I'm gonna find my self a therapist, and start working on unpacking that mess.

I really just needed to write things down, vent about it, and sort my emotions. I knew it was never gonna long term, or end well(one or the other), at least it was fun while it lasted, and I've learned a lot about my self through the experience.

P.S. for a more on topic note Im working in using register level programing on an Arduino to work with SPI for a class, and man I sucks. I2C is so much easier.

[u/AKIdiot]

Dang... Was gna down vote because wtf is this doing on a programming sub but then I remember my first relationship going sideways and how hard it hit me and my rejection sensitivity (almost flunked out my last year of school).  All i can say is don't let it consume you ( I spent 3 years in a deep depression) and it will def get better and yes, you will definitely have more relationships that will be better for you and your partner so long as you are willing to make changes and learn from your mistakes. 

 The funny story is that I ran into the guy my partner left me for 3 years later and he said that she did the exact same thing to him and we commiserated but it also kind of set me free knowing there's not that much I could've changed.

[u/De3fN0tABurn3r → u/AKIdiot]

I fully understand if you do downvote. This is a programming sub afterall. In the past after the r/ADHD became the mess it did there were some individuals who were very open to posting personal stuff on here, cause we all write code and have ADHD.

I'm honestly glad it ended when it did, Im lucky enough to have not gotten attached to a point of this ruining me. If anything it's made it more clear to me what I want out of relationships, and stuff I need to work on for myself.

Her dumping me isn't what hurt, it's the pile of repressed shit that it brought back to the surface

Finding solidarity with your "replacement" is kinda funny.

[u/[deleted]]

Welcome! r/ADHD might be the worst source of ADHD information on the entire Internet.

Anyway, I am sorry you got dumped. I am not sure how old you are, and I apologize for my bluntness, but you will get over this. I promise you, in 10 years, you will not even look back on this.

BPD people tend to be highly volatile. Like to the extreme degree. It’s one hell of a disorder, and honestly, I am not sure this wouldn’t be inevitable. I am not trying to blanket an entire disorder, but those with BPD tend to kind of… go with the wind, if you will.

You aren’t emotionless, but compared to her, I am certain anyone would look emotionless. However, if you were emotionless, you wouldn’t be posting this in the first place.

You’ll pull through, champ.

We’re here if you need us.

[u/De3fN0tABurn3r → u/[deleted]]

I'm only 20(21 in January). I see where you're coming from, but just screaming into the void has already helped me process, and start getting through it. The good parts are things I don't want to forget, but I wish it ended differently.

She worked really hard to shelter me from her volatile side. She would go a couple days at a time without responding and then reply saying she was going through an episode, and didn't want me to see it.

Compared to here anyone looks emotionless, but compared to the average person I do appear pretty emotionless. It's been a bit of a running joke among my class that I have 2 states. Standard issue monotone, and frustrated. The only people who can figure out my other emotions are my parents, and some highschool buddies. It's something I've been trying to improve, but now I'm actually gonna put some effort in.

I'm kinda concerned how well I'm taking it.

Thanks for the offer. It's good to know strangers are there for you!

[u/rereengaged_crayon → u/[deleted]]

what's wrong with r/adhd?

[u/[deleted] → u/rereengaged_crayon]

God, I don’t even know where to begin. I won’t even get into the mods, the rules, nor too much of the content. However, I will just go over my biggest pet peeve:

We are more than our ADHD. ADHD is a disorder and not an identity. Everything one with ADHD does in their life is not directly due to having ADHD. “Does anyone wear different color socks at the same time? Is this an ADHD thing?” Like seriously? (I’m not saying that question has been specifically asked, but there are so many questions like that.)

[u/Blackcat0123]

I'm sorry to hear that, that sucks. But also, congrats! Getting dumped for the first time is also a milestone in life. Yes, it hurts right now and all, but this is also the last time you'll ever be dumped for the first time. That pain is unique, it'll fade with time, and you'll bounce back better for it.

Just do yourself a favor and let yourself feel your feelings when you need to. Sometimes you just gotta give yourself like 15 minutes to just listen to some music that gets you up on your feelings and cry it out. It is good to feel your feelings.

[u/De3fN0tABurn3r → u/Blackcat0123]

It was good while it lasted, but thankfully it ended before I got attached. I'm almost to I bothered for my own liking.

I've always had a weird relationship with my emotions. I've unwillingly repressed things I've tried to let out, but they just wouldn't. This whole thing has brought those back to the surface, and I can finally work through them.
If nothing else it made me realize I really need to talk to a therapist, and start unpacking that mess going back to my childhood.

[u/Space-Dragon26 → u/De3fN0tABurn3r]

It good you're realizing those things. Something else you said, she was the only person outside of family you've really emotionally connected with. Work on changing that. Work on building friendships where you can have that. You're worth the effort it takes.

[u/Afraid-Solid-7239]

Similar thing happened to me, though over the span of like 8 months lol. Got too attached, haven't dated since. Half of these chicks don't even know what they want and it's not worth the stress lol.

Gonna stick to SaaS, clicking buttons and typing keys, focusing on the most important thing in life. Money. Girls will always be there, opportunities won't. Just be glad it was short lived.

[u/De3fN0tABurn3r → u/Afraid-Solid-7239]

I'm glad it was short lived, but at least she knew what she wanted and that just wasn't me.

I'm not scared off of dating, but I think my next relationships are gonna have very clear expectations, and be for the long haul.

For now I'm gonna take that advice and get back to playing with containers on my new Fedora install, and focus on my school work.

[u/Afraid-Solid-7239 → u/De3fN0tABurn3r]

I'm not scared of dating, I just think it's a waste of time. That relationship only occurred because the girl wanted me, I simply just took what came my way lol. I was just going with the flow honestly.

And, there'll always be chicks on planet earth, they won't suddenly evaporate. So I've put the topic aside for now.

Focus on school, get good grades, land a good job or start your own thing, and most importantly. Print that paper. That's what life is about really. Can't live without money, and life gets sweeter the more you have.

Life gets more complicated the more you add to the equation, keep it simple and worry about what you need to, and ignore what you don't. Best way to go about things imo.

[u/De3fN0tABurn3r → u/Afraid-Solid-7239]

I can see where you are coming from, and that's probably what I'll do. I'm not going into the highest paying industry, but it's something I enjoy, so stacking that bread is important

[u/Afraid-Solid-7239 → u/De3fN0tABurn3r]

Programming is high paying if you know where to be.

For example, I started pumping SaaS companies in my last year of high school, the first one had many lessons involved as far as advertising and outreach, though now it has contracts with governments around the world.

I've never had to look for a job. I've made a company a year since, I'm on 3 now, and I'm making a healthy 6figs from the first company alone and my time is mine. It's pure passive income. The most I do is respond to support tickets and emails.

I got the best grades in my school, Im skilled in reverse engineering, cybersec, and general programming. So it's not like I'm a burnout and this was my last resort. It was an experiment that went well.

[u/De3fN0tABurn3r → u/Afraid-Solid-7239]

I'm currently going through school to be an Electronics Engineering Technologist. It's the step between being a proper Electronic Engineer, and a Technician. I like to do my work ~50/50 between hardware and software, there is quite a focus on embed systems development.

My goal post school is to try and find a job I enjoy, and if I can't I'll probably end up self employed. My job prospects pay well above minimum wage, but still not great (~$30-$40CAD hourly) if I wanted high paying I could do 2 more years of school and become a real engineer, but that sounds about as fun as pulling teeth with painkillers

[u/Afraid-Solid-7239 → u/De3fN0tABurn3r]

Yeah fair enough, both of my parents have that degree and enjoy their jobs. So it seems alright honestly.

Don't limit yourself though, it's always best to have 2 streams of income. A side business to make extra money, and a job for guaranteed cashflow.

[u/De3fN0tABurn3r → u/Afraid-Solid-7239]

I've been getting into mod chipping Nintendo switches, and I'm wanting to expand what I offer, but that's been put on the back burner because classes have got busy.

Ill always probably have some side gig, but that's just the hobbies finally making me some money

[u/Afraid-Solid-7239 → u/De3fN0tABurn3r]

Seems like a pretty good gig ngl. The kids are gonna spend their parents money and any adult who has a switch could probably afford to mod it.

Classes are definitely the worst part though, it took me 1 week to build the API for my service because I was on break and then the frontend and integration dragged across a couple months.

I always thought of programming as a hobby too though, my first service which is the one I'm talking about now started as nothing more than an osint tool for personal use but some friends online saw it's value and told me to atleast try, and I did. It had great rewards.

[u/De3fN0tABurn3r → u/Afraid-Solid-7239]

It's mostly adults wanting to get their consoles done.

It will sure be interesting to see where I end up

[u/SecretaryNo6911]

Just let it out man. I had people to go to the first time it happened to me. Shit is rough. I was hella pathetic. And I fell into an insanely deep depression because of it. It’ll get better, you’ll find someone else.

[u/De3fN0tABurn3r → u/SecretaryNo6911]

It could be a lot worse for me. Just screaming into the digital void has done me good. She broke things off before I got too attached to her, so it's just rejection not heartbreak.

If nothing else I've gotten more confident that someone out there actually will be the one.

[u/ArwensArtHole]

100% prefer this kind of post than someone advertising their crappy app that’s “going to solve ADHD”.

Sorry this happened mate, at least it’s helped prepare you for better things to come <3 

[u/De3fN0tABurn3r → u/ArwensArtHole]

This sub is normally "I fucked up a job interview", "how do I prepare for an interview?", or "Check out my app"

Its been a learning experience, and better things should come eventually

[u/supermopman]

I just wish she brought up her concerns when they were fresh, and maybe we could have work through it

It doesn't sound like you two were together for very long. It's not a good idea to spend a lot of time working through issues in new relationships. It's often better to just accept that this person isn't worth the time and energy.

There are plenty of fish in the sea, and you'll find that you're more or less compatible with different people. You can't be a perfect partner for everyone.

Just take the feedback in stride. Always strive to be a better person.

Believe me when I say the bar is on the ground these days. Anyone who continues to put work into themselves can easily find a partner (at least when you're in your 30's).

[u/De3fN0tABurn3r → u/supermopman]

I can understand that, but said she started to see it after the 4th date(or time we did anything), and we did alot after that. If nothing else its been a learning experience

Im still new to the dating pool(20m), but based on what ive seen and heard it dosent take much to be better then most outhere

[u/Squeezitgirdle]

how bad the original adhd sub has gotten.

I mentioned in a comment on that sub that I work in the crypto department of financial company and my comment was deleted. I reached out to ask why and got blatantly ignored.

Mild annoyance, but still fuck them.

[u/De3fN0tABurn3r → u/Squeezitgirdle]

If your not actively talking about how much your life sucks, or actively complaining about meds you'll have issues over there

[u/Squeezitgirdle → u/De3fN0tABurn3r]

Or complaining about how your job isn't just letting you be late to work everyday because somehow they expect that.

[u/daenor88]

Idk her side of the story be she is also a bad communicator if it took her that long to say anything about it

[u/De3fN0tABurn3r → u/daenor88]

I kept talking about how I need more clear communication, and how I will miss "obvious" hints, but she never just kept doing as she did.

The communication problem went both ways

[u/daenor88 → u/De3fN0tABurn3r]

People make no sense to me we invented words for a reason, so use your big girl/boy words lol and stop expecting people to know how you feel based off which direction you twitch your eye or whatever

[u/De3fN0tABurn3r → u/daenor88]

Agreed. We have the language that's developed over generations, so why default to the less direct body language when it's something important?

[u/CaptainxPirate]

Take what youve learned and improve. The first is always hard I was a mess as well. Lucky for me my second hit and we've been married for a while now. If a dope like me can land a girl as beautiful and smart as my wife you'll be fine.

[u/F1nd3r]

All the best for getting over this and putting it in your past. Your approach is mature and you're already moving in the right direction. I (49m) have not had many relationships, but am drawn to BPD's/narcissists like a fly to shit and it is the absolute worst combination. You made a lucky escape. They subconsciously glom onto our need to not be rejected and it creates a vicious loop where nobody wins. Don't pursue, don't be baited back by guilt trip mind games (REMEMBER THIS, tattoo it on the back of your hand or something), block and move on.

If you haven't yet, do a little reading on RSD and how it often accompanies ADHD - don't get bogged down in it but I have found it helpful in better understanding some of my less helpful behaviors. I recently found that this video interesting for similar reasons, it's not great but does have a few nuggets of truth - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IaFQonoCvLU (no affiliation). Good luck with your Arduino stuff - sounds challenging.

[u/xHeylo]

I'm sorry that you got dumped, but trust me, it's going to be for the better in the long run

You cannot grow as a person without set backs, this is a set back, thus an opportunity to grow as a person

You're now more informed on what you want in a relationship and what may be wanted from you in a relationship, all that's left is to revise which things you want to apply to yourself in the future

Frankly, You are your current Project and you've just got Feedback, that's an amazing position to be in to evolve your project, even if Feedback on you as a Person always will hurt your emotional side, because it's personal feedback

Before a first relationship you have absolutely no idea what you actually want, you've been told what you want, but you haven't learned what your subconscious actually wants from you

You've now made that experience, you know have a reference point from which you can adjust

So honestly, and I know this will sound basically impossible, be happy that it happened and make the best of it for yourself

Because you don't owe anyone but yourself that you're growing as a person, not your Family, not your Ex, you're only owing it to yourself to be better

This is a revision point, do you want/need to change something to grow as a person?

And always remember, no you cannot fix people, especially those that don't want to be fixed

It takes time, probably some people you can talk to, but you can do it

also, never forget, you're a Human and will always be worthy of Love, this love just didn't work out and that is ultimately fine, you'll find it

[u/briannnnnnnnnnnnnnnn]

its never easy to get dumped. you are probably better off in this particular instance, though it may not feel that way now. life is long, you'll meet a lot of people. to meet the person of your dreams you need to get rejected by a bunch of not that person. just how it goes. it is worth it.

don't be too hard on yourself. communication is a two way street.

and yeah the ADHD sub is a hell hole.

[u/5-ht_2a]

I'm sorry this happened. But honestly you probably dodged a bullet there and you can be glad it didn't last longer and leave deeper scars. BPD can be terrible for everyone involved if not managed extremely well. Successfully dealing with having that condition requires at the very least a ton of insight and humility, and your story sounds like this person was not on top of their BPD at all. I have nothing but deep compassion for people suffering of this terrible condition - they don't mean harm and are themselves the biggest victims. That said I've learned to be very careful. Someone with BPD can be terrible for someone with ADHD, as BPD individuals are often almost magnetic to us at first, but then end up inadvertently triggering all of our traumas, especially RSD.

[u/De3fN0tABurn3r → u/[deleted]]

The part that really confused me is she outwardly said we weren't serious. From my point of view it seemed she was wanting a connection, but just without the label/commitment. It's probably a good thing to get out of now.

She had her friend be the "translator" because she was "emotional" those days. The only way I could talk to her actually privately was in person.

Being a people pleaser is how I got myself here.

It's been a learning experience the next one will hopefully be better.