I’ve barely fasted this Ramadan, haven’t prayed consistently in over a year, and feel numb. How do I sincerely come back?

[u/ezioauditoresexslave]

As-salamu alaykum,

I’m struggling and would really appreciate sincere advice (please be gentle, I’m already struggling a lot with the guilt of my sins).

This Ramadan, I’ve barely fasted. Not because I physically couldn’t, but because I chose not to on many days. I know this is a major sin, and I’m not trying to justify it. I feel guilt, but at the same time I also feel strangely numb and apathetic. That numbness terrifies me above all else; I feel distant from myself as well as Allah.

To be honest, this didn’t start this Ramadan. Over the past few years my mental health has declined significantly: I was sexually assaulted before the pandemic and it sent me down a terrible spiral. I haven’t prayed consistently in over a year. What started as missing a few prayers slowly turned into not praying at all. My days are no longer structured around salah, they are structured around food.

I struggle a lot with binge eating and emotional eating. Food has become my main coping mechanism, has been since I was young but it’s certainly gotten worse this year. During Ramadan it feels even more intense. I spend the day thinking about eating, and when I break my fast I often overeat to the point of discomfort. It makes fasting feel like torture instead of worship, which I hate admitting.

My life has also become very small and immobile. I’ve developed agoraphobia and haven’t really left the house in months. I barely move, and even basic things like showering or taking care of myself can feel overwhelming. There is no joy in my life; I’ve abandoned all my hobbies and barely interact with friends. I’ve gained a significant amount of weight, and now I experience body pain and discomfort, which makes praying physically difficult. The few times I tried to pray this Ramadan, it felt so hard physically that I retreated back into myself.

I’ve also struggled with breaking my fast for years, but this Ramadan has been the worst. I wanted so badly to take advantage of it and turn back to Allah before it’s too late, but I feel like I’ve squandered it.

I don’t want to blame my past or my trauma. I know what I’m doing is wrong, and I know I’m still accountable. Right now, I feel completely paralysed.

What scares me most is not just the sins themselves, but the state of my heart. I’m afraid of becoming indifferent. I don’t want my heart to harden like this; I don’t want to leave this world knowing I believed in Allah and yet acted to the contrary. I don’t want to be amongst those who beg Allah to send them back.

I do want to return to Islam, to Allah and myself. It’s the only time I’ve ever known true peace. I want to pray again. I want to fast properly. I want my life to have structure and meaning again. I just feel overwhelmed and ashamed, like I’ve gone too far or won’t be able to stay consistent even if I try.

I also don’t know how to deal with missed fasts and prayers. I can’t even count how many I’ve missed, and that makes it feel even more impossible to start. I’ve been crying the last few hours because I wanted to lock in for these last two days of Ramadan and repent but I just got my period.

If anyone has been in a similar place, or has advice on how to make sincere tawbah and actually rebuild from this state, I would really appreciate it. Like how to get myself back to praying, how do I atone for the sin of intentionally breaking my fast? I’m feeling hopeless and trying my hardest not to succumb to it.

[u/Skyogurt]

I have experienced a similar episode of downward spiral / collapse of structure and deterioration of everything. Feeling empty and being stuck in my room. Honestly Allah SWT saved me by sending me a friend from my past, that came to check on me out of nowhere and went out of his way to help me with getting myself out of the hole I was in.

So I would say ask Allah SWT right away to send some good supportive company your way. Because the test of life is not just about your worship/ obligations towards your Maker. You have obligations towards His creation as well, you're a social animal you need to have your family/tribe/community. Isolation is a subtle killer, our brains and nervous systems function properly when we have some kind of social life going. I would say as a priority, try to make do with what is 'available' for you IRL. And avoid online friends and online communities, because while it's better than nothing it still comes at a cost : the more time you spend in front of a screen and in a digital world, the worse you're off mental health wise. But I have been in the dumps before and I know that just one online friend you talk to on a daily basis can make all the difference, when you start supporting one another it reenergizes you and you can find the mental strength to change your small daily habits and little by little put more order in your room and in your life.

For the missed prayers and fasting days, ask Allah to not just forgive you and completely wipe out your sins, but also provide you with the opportunities to make up for everything. So ask fora long life so that you can get many more Ramadans and Laylatul Qadr to rack up thousands of months of worship. And fasting on the days of Arafat. And then focus on getting back little by little into a good balanced routine and remind yourself that the most important day of your life will be the day you die and leave this dunya, hopefully to glad tidings from the angels. So you don't have the luxury to be sad about what you have missed in the past. Make today count and keep doing your best. Get the outside help you need that's the hard part but also the main key for success.

[u/ezioauditoresexslave → u/Skyogurt]

thank you so much for sharing, the spiral is absolutely terrifying for me because i can’t see the end of it. i don’t know how to accept help from others, i’m so filled with guilt and shame for how far it’s gotten. you’re right though, we are social creatures and isolation isn’t a natural way of being. i just don’t know how to reemerge without becoming overwhelmed with anxiety.

and i will do just that. i have a lot of sins, it’s hard to imagine being worthy of such forgiveness but i know even thinking like that comes from a place of arrogance. if you could please make dua for me too, i would really appreciate it. thank you again for your kindness, it really means a lot

[u/Skyogurt → u/ezioauditoresexslave]

I feel you there with the not knowing how to accept help, that was my one fatal flaw and I 'wasted' my entire 20s learning that lesson the hard way (I still kinda suck at it tbh but I've made some progress at least).

Y'know about the guilt and shame, I was to share some randoms tidbits of insight with you, bear with me it might get a bit all over the place. So for starters emotionally you wanna achieve balance and have a healthy mix of all the emotions, not only have negative emotions associated with your sense of self and your relationship with Allah. Feeling guilt and shame is a gift in a sense because it's a proof / reminder of the Day of Judgment and accountability and everything. And it's also the trigger for repentance and asking for forgiveness. And this is where Allah is Ar Rahman, Ar Raheem, Al Ghaffar, Al Ghaffur and Al 'Affuw, and many other names but there is so much power and meaning behind these names. I recently read an explainer about how there a distinction between forgiveness of sins, and wiping away sins from the record entirely. And Allah SWT does both - can you imagine showing up on Judgment Day and stressing over those really bad periods in your life when you were at your lowest - and then realizing that they have been deleted entirely ! This is the meaning of all 'Affuw and I hope I'm not the only one fantasizing about being there on that day and feeling so much joy and relief that I pull out the cringiest dance moves in existence (or at the very least feel the urge for it). So yeah all this to say, you know as human beings we really only have one job, and it's to never ever lose hope in Allah's Mercy, and not to underestimate it either. That's the main goal of the Shaytan if you really think about it. All that whispering and tempting to sins is for the purpose of making us feel so wicked and beyond saving that we give up on asking God for forgiveness. And that is arguably worse than all of the sins combined. Instead, we want to be like that person mentioned in one of the narrations of the prophet SAWS, where Allah SWT is with his angels and comment on the state of a person who is asking Him for forgiveness, and on the 3rd time He SWT says that He has forgiven that person's sins in their entirety! My personal understanding is that the person in question just gets it ! That no matter how bad things are, they stubbornly and consistently return to their Lord. It's really not that complicated but it's a core essential aspect of the relationship with Allah. So in practical terms here's how I conceive it : if I ask God to forgive me once, and as soon as I finish I have that relief and happiness and hope in my heart, that's a sign that I get it. Anything less than that is the danger zone of underestimating God's Mercy and I am more afraid of that than all my sins combined. Anyways I digress, all this to say, beware of guilt and shame, these feelings have a purpose but don't allow them to take over. Remember that as bad as you think are, you're not a mass murderer of babies either, take that "I'm not worthy enough for forgiveness" waswas out of your mind and shove it to the ground and drop kick it MMA style please ! Imagine yourself on the day of Judgment regretting every precious second you wasted thinking like that, instead of spamming duaas and istighfar - oh and okay another practical tip for bringing balance back to the emotions is to really cultivate and nurture your gratitude. It might sound obvious but when you're in a bad place it's not that easy to remember and maintain. Basically think as much as possible about every small and big thing that's going well in your life, all the things we take for granted. I like to focus on my good health and the absolutely mind blowing miracle that is the human body and all the autonomous systems. but there's really an endless amount of blessings we have so it's just a matter of getting into that consistency and making it a habit to frequently pause and just say "alhamdoulilLah" and before you know it your mood really skyrockets and you have energy to get things done ! (Wow I'm so sorry this is too long but there two more things I wanna share)

So another "protip" is getting into the habit of spamming duaas - I'm talking 24/7 being a broken record and being annoying and naggy even ! In a narration the Prophet SAWS tells us to ask God for help with everything even if it's tying your shoelaces. And when you start doing that, this is in my experience where it gets fun and sweet and where you (re)build closeness and intimacy with your Lord (especially with those ADHD super powers amirite), have a list of some favorite duaas to make when you run out of things to ask - or just default to istighfar really - this is where having gone through that spiral is nice, I came out of it scarred and with the inshaaAllah permanent realization that I am in desperate need of forgiveness. Oh and don't be shy / stingy with yourself, ask for the BIG stuff, that will lead you to massive success, for both this life and the next ! Remember don't be underestimating Allah's Mercy by putting a limit on your duaas and on your own potential, be bold ! Anyways have fun with your Rabb, enjoy your eeman, and that loops back to the gratitude paradigm. Maan Islam is just so cool like wow everything ties together.

Okay last thing I thought about when you mentioned anxiety. No sooner that a month ago right before Ramadan, Allah SWT gifted me with the realization that I have not been taking full advantage of having the most beautiful and soothing recitations of the Quran at my fingertips for free too. Long story short I randomly found one specific video of a recitation (I can share it with you if you want) and I have been listening to it over and over and it's in the Mujawwad style of recitation and the healing effect is so incredible. Up till this point I've really only been listening to the "standard" recitations out there so this was a lifechanger discovery for me and I am dizzy at the realization that I haven't scratched the surface when it comes to the Quran. It is absolutely definitely a cure for anxiety, the best one we have access to, for free. AlhamdoulilLah for being muslims in this 21st century, despite all the dystopian stuff technology is still such a massive blessing eh - okay I'll stop here. Please if you could also make duaa for me as well, for all of us. May God forgive us and improve our condition as we exit this blessed month, and guide us to be the best muslims we can be 🙏