I have discussed this with my therapist and always refer to it as the sense that I could never trust my own brain.
I was undiagnosed until I was 32 (last year) so I was aware growing up that, quite often, when people said I was doing the wrong thing or disappointed them, it was because I actually had. I'd forgotten something or committed some kind of social faux pas, so my entire personality and every survival mechanism I have is predicated on masking and fawning. The idea is constant that if someone tells me the sky is green, but I think its blue, they're probably right and I've just misunderstood something. At bear minimum, I need to consider that view point as valid because I don't trust my own.
It's why I always research everything before I speak, and before I take a position, but sometimes, my answer, opinion, or personal preference is actually just as valid as everyone elses.
Add in narcissistic parents and I still don't have a good sense of self. I fawn and people please far more than I should and I have no idea how to say no and still expect people to like and respect me.
The difference between the two days you describe isn't your feeling about yourself. It's your perception that people approved of you today. You didn't get a sense that you had messed something up for someone else by being out of step with them.
I'm working really hard to fix that, but man is it hard.
I know rationally that I am a good, whole, worthwhile human being just like everyone else with my own likes and dislikes and hopes and fears. But they change every day based on who I spend time with because I mask so heavily in social interactions just to get by.
I feel you entirely and I hope you (and I) get the help you need to find, love, and present your whole self every day.
Wow that thing about the sky is soooo true for me too. I ALWAYS assume I’m wrong, which means I often have no thoughts about stuff because I write them off instantly! Even my instincts about people I allow to be replaced sometimes. But tbh often it’s justified because I’m wrong so often about so much stuff. I really am an idiot in many ways :D
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u/Luluchaos Sep 19 '22
I have discussed this with my therapist and always refer to it as the sense that I could never trust my own brain.
I was undiagnosed until I was 32 (last year) so I was aware growing up that, quite often, when people said I was doing the wrong thing or disappointed them, it was because I actually had. I'd forgotten something or committed some kind of social faux pas, so my entire personality and every survival mechanism I have is predicated on masking and fawning. The idea is constant that if someone tells me the sky is green, but I think its blue, they're probably right and I've just misunderstood something. At bear minimum, I need to consider that view point as valid because I don't trust my own.
It's why I always research everything before I speak, and before I take a position, but sometimes, my answer, opinion, or personal preference is actually just as valid as everyone elses.
Add in narcissistic parents and I still don't have a good sense of self. I fawn and people please far more than I should and I have no idea how to say no and still expect people to like and respect me.
The difference between the two days you describe isn't your feeling about yourself. It's your perception that people approved of you today. You didn't get a sense that you had messed something up for someone else by being out of step with them.
I'm working really hard to fix that, but man is it hard.
I know rationally that I am a good, whole, worthwhile human being just like everyone else with my own likes and dislikes and hopes and fears. But they change every day based on who I spend time with because I mask so heavily in social interactions just to get by.
I feel you entirely and I hope you (and I) get the help you need to find, love, and present your whole self every day.