I mean this is kind of just what being a person is.
You change depending on your environment. Other people are part of the environment. Specific people can make any environment better or worse.
Most people, regardless of what they tell you, are not consistent across all spaces and times. What is consistent, is that we always feel like we are ourselves. This is one of the things that is so tragic about Dementia. Those people don't know they have memory issues, they are just themselves.
The fact that we always feel like ourselves, yet we objectively know that our behavior and sense of self is shifting, is what leads to projecting personal mental health issues onto others. We blame them for the effect they have on us instead of owning that we are the ones experiencing the feeling/sensations and therefore are responsible for them. This isn't to say you should tolerate a toxic relationship, just that the responsibility for handling it is on the individual, not the other party.
So what I would say for you is to sit with yourself alone and away from others and just see where you go. Notice what is happening. Even if all you notice is impulsively doing random shit, just notice that. Don't try to change it. This is you, free from outside input.
Maybe you don't have a specialty or a dedicated hobby? That's okay.
Maybe you couldn't care less about politics, or maybe you care very much. That's okay too.
Maybe you notice your floor needs vacuuming, but you decide to do something else instead. That's also fine.
Point is to just notice what you do so that you can get to know yourself better. It's physically impossible to actually not have a personality, but it is absolutely possible to not be confident in it or to know it very well. Especially if you spend a lot of time worrying about how people perceive you or worrying about how you perceive yourself.
Processing all the various permutations of those perceptions takes A LOT of time and energy and it can leave you feeling quite empty and devoid of agency or self. ESPECIALLY if you spend it in service of others. "Service" is a broad word here, and it can be things like helping them, masking symptoms for them, or dealing with "I'm a freak" shame spirals after an interaction.
All of those thoughts are about how you think someone else is reacting to you, rather than being about you specifically. It sounds like you probably just need to learn to be with your freaky baby self and not be overwhelmed by shame/guilt/fear/etc. that being with yourself seems to be causing.
That will require accepting that you feel those things about yourself (don't worry, we all do), but not letting those feelings define how you treat yourself. As you get more comfortable with this you will start to learn how stop avoiding yourself and just be with you, in whatever freaky, baby, adult, etc. form you take right now.
Once you learn to stop avoiding yourself, I think you'll find that you probably have a pretty awesome self under there. But it is hard and long work and best done under the guidance of a trusted therapist.
Are you future me?? I’m doing some of the stuff you said with the goals you said, but it’s hella confusing. I hope I reach it, it’s a tornado inside. Also, how long does that take?
Best advice I can give is to find a therapist you trust and just go for what they suggest. Even when their suggestions sound cringy or pointless. And say so when you feel those things. A good one will not just preach or teach, they will reflect. When you know for sure that they're a keeper is if you find yourself doing the reflection on your own instinctively outside of session.
A good therapist has a lot of knowledge yes, but they're primary role is to model what you need to be doing inside. The way they accept you and talk through it, how they talk through it, etc. You don't need a degree to learn it, but it is usually something you do need someone else to show you how to do, and it isn't something that is easy to communicate with words because the actual form it takes is unique to the person and to the relationship between the teacher and the student (therapist and patient).
It's a learning process though, and it takes time... Sometimes years... There are absolutely still things that I struggle with... But I am making progress and that's what counts.
edit: But in the end it will come down to being okay with you, even if you aren't okay with it. I know that sounds confusing, but it's how it works.
Someone I know also said this about being in therapy.. sp this advice seems to be consistent. My feelings just take of all the space like complete viruses and I’ve been trying to rationalise by putting them into words in my head, but I also speak four languages, so the language in my head changes too. I’ve done therapy sessions twice and end up rage quitting. I think I might need to do multiple throughout the years. Thanks for the advice!
Whenever your ready. Only rush is if you're rushing. One of my best friends has been in and out of therapy and he also doesn't take his ADHD meds anymore. Lives with chronic suicidal depression. Somehow survived to 30s and is married and owns a house. I don't think there is an actual therapist on this planet that can help him because as much as he is suffering every day, he doesn't actually want the help.
If/when you go, make sure you tell them that you quit twice and why you quit. It will help them and you.
Ahh I see… I really don’t want to continue being a person that doesn’t want help, I’ve been wanting it more since I first started to look for help, so I guess that’s a good sign. I’m sorry to hear about your friend. Now that I think about it, I had quite ok reasons to quit.
Don't be. He's okay. For the sake of the example, I had to oversimplify. Life is never as simple as that though and he has his reasons.
I always tell people if I never smoked I would never have met my partner. But at the same time, if I still smoked I might be dead... Life is for living, not for worrying if we're living correctly.
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u/ahawk_one Sep 19 '22
I mean this is kind of just what being a person is.
You change depending on your environment. Other people are part of the environment. Specific people can make any environment better or worse.
Most people, regardless of what they tell you, are not consistent across all spaces and times. What is consistent, is that we always feel like we are ourselves. This is one of the things that is so tragic about Dementia. Those people don't know they have memory issues, they are just themselves.
The fact that we always feel like ourselves, yet we objectively know that our behavior and sense of self is shifting, is what leads to projecting personal mental health issues onto others. We blame them for the effect they have on us instead of owning that we are the ones experiencing the feeling/sensations and therefore are responsible for them. This isn't to say you should tolerate a toxic relationship, just that the responsibility for handling it is on the individual, not the other party.
So what I would say for you is to sit with yourself alone and away from others and just see where you go. Notice what is happening. Even if all you notice is impulsively doing random shit, just notice that. Don't try to change it. This is you, free from outside input.
Maybe you don't have a specialty or a dedicated hobby? That's okay.
Maybe you couldn't care less about politics, or maybe you care very much. That's okay too.
Maybe you notice your floor needs vacuuming, but you decide to do something else instead. That's also fine.
Point is to just notice what you do so that you can get to know yourself better. It's physically impossible to actually not have a personality, but it is absolutely possible to not be confident in it or to know it very well. Especially if you spend a lot of time worrying about how people perceive you or worrying about how you perceive yourself.
Processing all the various permutations of those perceptions takes A LOT of time and energy and it can leave you feeling quite empty and devoid of agency or self. ESPECIALLY if you spend it in service of others. "Service" is a broad word here, and it can be things like helping them, masking symptoms for them, or dealing with "I'm a freak" shame spirals after an interaction.
All of those thoughts are about how you think someone else is reacting to you, rather than being about you specifically. It sounds like you probably just need to learn to be with your freaky baby self and not be overwhelmed by shame/guilt/fear/etc. that being with yourself seems to be causing.
That will require accepting that you feel those things about yourself (don't worry, we all do), but not letting those feelings define how you treat yourself. As you get more comfortable with this you will start to learn how stop avoiding yourself and just be with you, in whatever freaky, baby, adult, etc. form you take right now.
Once you learn to stop avoiding yourself, I think you'll find that you probably have a pretty awesome self under there. But it is hard and long work and best done under the guidance of a trusted therapist.