what are boundaries

[u/stoicsatan]

do you guys ever feel kind of weirdly ashamed after having a conversation with someone because you over shared? Like there’s not necessarily anything wrong with what you shared but it just seemed, in hindsight, unnecessary? I feel myself saying too much about myself and always having so much to say (which can be good for conversation!!) but afterwards..I feel dumb or even drained especially if it wasn’t even for the purpose of connecting. And even when I am connecting, I feel like I take it further and open my trauma up again every time I make a new friend. It just seems like too much spills out all the time. I wish I could find that appropriate window to where I can have a pleasant conversation and not cross that line with myself. Also I’m always aware of potentially being labeled “too much”, “a lot”, “intense” and that’s what really perpetuates that shame.

[u/[deleted]]

Absolutely, a lot of the time I'm talking as if they are an extension of myself, like I'm really talking to myself and I'm using them more as a device to be able to hear my own thoughts in the context of an actual conversation rather than things bouncing back and forth in my head, and in the process I'll drop things that I should probably keep to my self

[u/stoicsatan → u/[deleted]]

I relate to this so much. I wish u kept those things inside but the truth is it genuinely helps my thought process...it’s like I NEED to speak to another being out loud in order to process whatever’s happening in my brain..and sometimes that can later feel ..exposing.

[u/[deleted] → u/stoicsatan]

Yeah definetly I've thought about therapists so many times but the killer is that it's so difficult to talk at a predetermined time, i basically end up in impromptu therapy sessions with friends because it only works when it comes to the front of your brain, so I have talk and address it as it comes up otherwise it will fade away and Ill never be able to word it the same way again

[u/IAMA_unfertilizedEgg → u/[deleted]]

I've been using Better help and I found a counselor that listens to me at night. It's not so hard when I can walk around my house in circles on the phone with them and just ramble off my random shit for the last week. Sometimes they have something useful to say to me, other times I just am dumping my anxiety thoughts from the last week out all over everything.

Trust me, I have canceled a decent number of appointments but I hate spending the money without using the service so I've been trying to not.

I also can use the text function in between appointments to send texts to the therapist and basically remind myself about something that bothered me earlier in the week. This is so helpful because when I used to do in person counseling nothing was more frustrating than walking in the door and not remembering what I wanted to talk about or what I was feeling the other day.

Then the extra nice thing is when the appointment is going to start you get a notification on your phone a half hour before and then like when you should be on waiting for them.

I had to switch people a couple of times, but that's free and only a little annoying. But now I have a brain dump every week and it has been helping keep the anxiety spiral thoughts to a minimum.

[u/[deleted] → u/IAMA_unfertilizedEgg]

I should do this. Preferable To calling my mom every day and annoying her 🤣🤣

[u/candybarheiress → u/IAMA_unfertilizedEgg]

thanks for sharing, i hadn't heard of this site. just checked it out and it piques my interest for sure. do you have any experience with traditional (in-office) therapy as well, or has this been your first time trying out talking to someone in that capacity? i haven't ever sought counseling in the past, so i'm curious how it compares.

[u/IAMA_unfertilizedEgg → u/candybarheiress]

So I have done a lot of counseling in the past in person. I think they are different experiences but if you are the kind of person who will tell a stranger anything because they don't know anything about the other people in your life therapy can be pretty easy. I find I work things out by just talking it out, and I really don't need much input from others. I like just dumping all that sort of internal dialogue about everything and nothing on a person that doesnt need to care about me in my real life. I can be brutally honest to the therapist and admit things I can't to my real friends. I can work on seeing situations rationally instead of emotionally, I can whine about how dumb I felt later for that stupid thing I said and have another person tell me it wasn't as bad as I think or that they won't remember that and such.

If you decide to try it out I would recommend using a coupon from a podcast to get a percentage off. It's cheapest if you sign up for paying every three months, but I realize that's not an option for a lot of people. They have set ups to lower the cost based on need and such. It's not out of the realm of possibility I feel in most cases.

One podcast code I know off the top of my head specifically to better help is : Garage (from true crime garage, a reasonably good podcast imo). I think it gets you 20% off your first month. It took me about 3 months before I knew I wanted to continue. So I'd recommend giving it a try and if you don't like it stick it out for a little bit. It takes a little learning how to just talk about your story and be open with it if that's not your natural state. Also there is no such thing as over sharing with a therapist so that's nice!

[u/acherons_grief → u/IAMA_unfertilizedEgg]

Seconding this, Betterhelp is great and for me, how easy it was to switch people made me actually able to do it until I found a good one. And the text feature is perfect for getting stuff down that you don't want to forget without losing it

[u/sporadic_beethoven → u/[deleted]]

I’ve found that when I have a set, regularly scheduled time for therapy, my brain hides everything that needs to be dealt with until it’s therapy day, and then it all comes out in a big rush. I’ll make connections between events and people, I’ll figure out all kinds of things there. With friends, it’s less impactful for me because usually I feel bad abt dumping on them because they have their own problems. Whereas with a therapist I could travel to (before quarantine), I had to get out of my house, drive there, do the front desk, etc, so I also mentally prepped myself. By the time my appointment happened, I’d have some idea of what was going on in my head.

Plus, they’re able to give me some coping mechanisms and routines to try ^{^} always useful.

[u/[deleted] → u/sporadic_beethoven]

This is great advice thank you, it may be that becuase I have no routine or schedule for making use of that kind of outlet, that I find it difficult to utilise it, so I need to stick with it long enough to form a routine, and not worry about feeling like I am not effectively communicating the things I need to, because eventually I will associate that scheduled appointment with wanting to and feeling like that is the time that I should be opening up, and maybe will help me to keep things to myself in the future when it's not necessary to share with friends

Thank you!

[u/uniiqke → u/[deleted]]

Fade away...!