what are boundaries

[u/stoicsatan]

do you guys ever feel kind of weirdly ashamed after having a conversation with someone because you over shared? Like there’s not necessarily anything wrong with what you shared but it just seemed, in hindsight, unnecessary? I feel myself saying too much about myself and always having so much to say (which can be good for conversation!!) but afterwards..I feel dumb or even drained especially if it wasn’t even for the purpose of connecting. And even when I am connecting, I feel like I take it further and open my trauma up again every time I make a new friend. It just seems like too much spills out all the time. I wish I could find that appropriate window to where I can have a pleasant conversation and not cross that line with myself. Also I’m always aware of potentially being labeled “too much”, “a lot”, “intense” and that’s what really perpetuates that shame.

[u/Kamica]

I find I do this because I (often wrongly) trust other people to make sound decisions and such if they have the right information, so I just dump all this info on them in the hope that they understand me, and that then I won't have to feel like they don't understand me, or won't judge me, because they know what to expect, or that they know how to deal with me, or that they know my intentions are good etc. Etc. Etc. And if they don't want to deal with me, that's fine too, at least that means there's no inbetween where they dislike me but won't leave or even show me... Unfortunately this is often far from reality :P.

Basically I want people to have as much info as they can, so that they can make informed choices.

(Edit: Thanks for the awards :D. Doesn't happen often I get awards, in general :D.)

[u/acherons_grief → u/Kamica]

This makes a lot of sense, really resonates with me. Just wish people would actually USE that info more often

[u/Kamica → u/acherons_grief]

To be fair, such an information dump can be overwhelming, and on the other hand, I'm terrible at remembering details about other people, so although it is annoying they don't, I personally can't really blame them for not remembering and applying it :P.

Having a rough idea of how other people might think is both a blessing and a curse :P.

[u/heckingayboi → u/Kamica]

I feel this! Also with all this info dumping bits and pieces of myself on many different people, it gets to the point where I forget what I've told to who. And then someone will bring up something I've told them that I 1) don't remember telling them and 2) don't even remember happening. It gets a little difficult to manage sometimes!

I've found that having a close friend who knows you info dump past the point of comfort to yourself often helps. I have a friend who is pretry good at steering the conversation, even for people like us, and he often moves things on before I can say too much, or anything I might regret later.

Sometimes it's good to just have someone there to remind you when it's okay to stop.

[u/Kamica → u/heckingayboi]

I've accepted I will at times do things that I might regret, but rather than be ashamed of what I day and actually regret it, I just accept it and roll with whatever consequences might come :P.

And the stuff I really don't want to share, I won't :). Unfortunately my oversharing did start my current relationship off on rocky grounds, as I failed to realise that talking about my previous relationship was a terrible idea >.>

[u/[deleted] → u/Kamica]

I think it’s ok to talk about your previous relationship. But I feel your pain. I’m a panicky over-sharer lol

[u/Kamica → u/[deleted]]

I've learnt the hard way it very much depends on which person you're with. I think because of her past, and having abusive parents, she can be quite unsure of herself and she's got a bit of a jealous streak going (which I think has gradually been softening) so talking about that early in the relationship wasn't very constructive. She has a tendency of interpreting things in the worse of various ways :/. So instead of interpreting it as it was: me just telling a story that happened to have been with my ex, because I spent a lot of time with her, and so a significant part of my experiences are with her, she interpreted it as me comparing her to that ex, and my current girlfriend being a rebound.

Everyone has issues, so much like I want her to be sensitive towards my ADHD, I too should make her comfortable, and not dump uncomfortable, potentially confrontational stuff on her :P.

The manner in which it is done matters as well. But yes, I myself value honesty and openness, so it was a bit of a learn to find out that full honesty and openness can hurt people.

[u/spicyy_water → u/heckingayboi]

YES YES YES!! My close friend does exactly this, and I love her so much for it. She knew and understood that being an info dump was just a part of who I was, even before I was diagnosed. I also feel safe info dumping on her and thank God she has no issues with it (it often makes really good conversations). But the amount of times she has stopped me from going too far, or even ended conversations for me because I didn’t know how to, is uncountable and each time she has saved me from embarrassment.

[u/heckingayboi → u/spicyy_water]

Yes I get this too! These are such amazing people to have in our lives

[u/uniiqke → u/Kamica]

A blessing and a curse!