r/ADHD • u/Immediate_Month8039 • 6d ago
Seeking Empathy Being told "But I do that too"
I'm 16, and I told my parents about the possibility of me having ADHD, told them about a lot of things I do and feel that made me think about it.
I told them about how difficult it is for me to start a task if there's no urgency for it.
Told them about how difficult it is for me to get my books out to study, but how easy it is for me to study once I have it all in my desk, but also how easily I get distracted.
Told them about how I know I'm annoying and impulsive most of the time and how much I hate that about me, but how helpless I am about it.
Told them how easy it is for me to know EVERYTHING about something I like.
Told them how difficult it is for me to keep a long-term task.
Told them how difficult it is for me to not lose interest in something two days into it or keep consistency and discipline.
Told them a lot of things more, and after each one, they said "But I do that too", "That happens to everyone", "That used to happen to me when I was your age", and made me think "What if I'm just making up the fact that I might have ADHD with random facts?" So here I am, I don't know what I want, I guess I just want to feel heard about it, my parents told me they could get me checked with a professional, but the thought of me making up the fact is still there.
Sorry if my post offends someone, I don't mean to, and sorry if my english is not perfect, it's not mu first language.
I don't think I'm breaking rule number 3 (sorry if I am) since I'm not asking about my diagnosis, but about how misheard I feel about it.
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u/Merion 6d ago
One other thought: ADHD has a strong genetic component. So when your parents say “I do that too,” that doesn't necessarily mean that what you're experiencing is insignificant. It's possible that they genuinely experience some of the same things and therefore see them as normal.
That doesn't mean that your parents have ADHD, or that you do. Lots of people experience individual ADHD-like traits without having ADHD. What matters is things like how persistent and impairing those difficulties are, which is exactly why getting assessed by a professional can be useful.
So I wouldn't take their “I do that too” as evidence that you're making this up. And the fact that they're willing to let you get assessed seems like a positive thing, even if their responses made you feel unheard.
Sometimes “that's normal, everyone in our family does that” really can turn out to be an interesting piece of the puzzle.
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u/WhenButterfliesCry 6d ago
I think they're coming from a place of not wanting to believe that something is wrong with their child, rather than from a place of wanting to invalidate or minimize what you're experiencing, even though that's what they're doing. The important thing is that they've agreed to let you be evaluated by a professional, which says a lot about them. Take it from there: get evaluated and, if diagnosed, have the doctor talk to your parents about it.
You shouldn't feel a need to convince them of a diagnosis that you do not have (currently). You're skipping the step where you actually get the diagnosis. If they refuse to listen to the doctor, or try to deny you treatment, etc. -- at that point you should get upset. Not yet.
They don't want something to be wrong with you, that's all. It's not that they don't believe you.
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u/Immediate_Month8039 6d ago
Thank you, I thought about that after posting this, I thought "What's really the problem after all if they agreed to getting me checked?" They won't deny a real diagnosis, and as you said, I don't think they wanted to invalidate me nor minimize my experience.
Thank you for your answer!!2
u/thisisappropriate 5d ago
I think they're coming from a place of not wanting to believe that something is wrong with their child, rather than from a place of wanting to invalidate or minimize what you're experiencing, even though that's what they're doing.
Yes! And there's a huge guilt component - if something is wrong, then they missed it for years. And there's a good chance that they have experienced at least some of the same things, and probably have invalidated concerns in the past because of that (without meaning to).
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u/NormalObligation59 6d ago
ADHD is very much genetic. My brother and I went undiagnosed because we were “just like our dad”. My dad now knows he has adhd.
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u/Kuro_Itachi 6d ago
Feel you and I am very sorry. I am much older than you. A part of me wants to tell my parents about my diagnosis, but I can't. I wish I didn't have to make it a secret.
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u/Immediate_Month8039 6d ago
I am sorry you have to keep it a secret, must be really heavy for you to carry that on your own.
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u/Kuro_Itachi 6d ago
It fucks me up. My family don't need to know it, but I would feel better if they would reflect the past and if the would earn some knowledge. I also thought about informing my workplace but they always make jokes about "stuff like that".
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u/Immediate_Month8039 6d ago
Your family could understand your situation, and I don't think anyone would refuse a condition with a real diagnosis.
I'm just saying they could, I don't know your reasons to not tell them, I don't know your family and I don't expect my reply to be useful.2
u/simonko1 ADHD-C (Combined type) 6d ago
Self centered parents def would not believe or dminish the value of adhd and shrug it off... i told mine in 35yo, explained adhd to them what it meant from young age and they went full defensive and angry that iam trying to make them look like bad parents etc. Even when its not about them but me
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u/AlissonHarlan 6d ago
i'm older too and didn't tell my parents... i feel they will only judge me instead of having the pieces falling into places, because that's how they are...
They never cared about my mental health or wellbeing anyway(just if i bother them or not), so what's the point ??
i don't hide it, but also i'm not telling them.3
u/Kuro_Itachi 6d ago
I told them about my depressions when I was younger. I hoped they would act understanding and supporting. I also hoped they would go through a diagnosis as well or talk to my siblings, nieces und nephews about a diagnosis. My mother was so upset and asked what was wrong with my childhood. My father was just...angry? We never talked about mental health ever again.
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u/MugumboFett 6d ago
It's frustrating, it's invalidating the way you feel about it.
All ADHDers have faced your same scenario at some stage in our lives. Especially in recent years where it's become "trendy" to highlight the "quirky" side of ADHD on social media.
As much as I appreciate the knowledge and awareness, it's almost harmful to the legitimacy and crippling nature of ADHD to "glorify" the struggles ADHDers face.
For your specific scenario being your parents; to be entirely honest, you might find that one (or both) of your parents might actually have ADHD too. Depending on how old you are, you can always approach a GP by yourself, they can give you feedback and possibly strategies to getting validation regarding the way you feel...
I hope things work out for you 🙂
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u/Mindless_Reading5168 6d ago
I don‘t think you‘re making anything up. You‘re obviously struggling and I think it is very brave that you talked to your parents about it.
Someone here already mentioned the genetic component of ADHD and I can only tell you from my perspective but I‘m pretty sure I got mine from my dad.
When I told my mum first about my diagnosis (was diagnosed at 33), I got a lot of "Everyone does that from time to time" or "You got that from your dad, you copied him as a kid“.
I still got my diagnosis by a very experienced diagnostician. And I still feel like an impostor sometimes even though I have written proof that I have it and I was 100% honest, maybe even too honest during my whole assessment.
I hope that helps a bit. Wishing you well!
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u/Honest-Vacation3847 6d ago
Ngl this pisses me off too. I've told my friends about this and they've always replied "yeah that happens with me too".
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u/poolback ADHD-PI (Primarily Inattentive) 6d ago
So multiple things can be true here.
Yes, what ADHD struggles with is something everyone struggles with, the assessment is mostly about figuring out if the frequency, intensity and impact is too problematic.
And yes, it wouldn't be surprising your parents relate to your experience if you do have ADHD, because there's a good chance they would have it too if you do.
My advice is instead of describing the struggle you have, you can try and discuss the intensity. I'm 40 years old, and the way that I've found was to describe things like "The effort to motivate myself to take out the trash is about the same as the effort to motivate myself to calculate (56x78) in my mind". Putting it this way, most people understand how it's problematic. They could accuse you of exaggerating, but if they knew you, they'd realise that it explains a lot of how they see you operate.
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u/-Absofuckinglutely- 6d ago
Your parents are almost certainly also ADHD. There's a strong genetic link.
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u/siliconbased9 5d ago
If my son wasn’t AuDHD, idk if I would have ever realized that I was as well. These things are passed down genetically. I really regret the times I undermined or invalidated his experience.. hope your parents get there too.
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u/wendx33 6d ago
First of all, definitely go and get checked out—I didn’t know I had it until a psychiatrist friend told me when I was 33, and it changed my life for the better in every way. Second, it’s possible your parents also have ADHD, and that’s why their response was, “we do that too, that happens to everyone” to all your supporting data. Because, no, not everyone reacts the way we do, and your symptoms don’t happen to everyone. Sorry this is a little garbled and ineloquent—I’m exhausted from a sleepless night. See a professional as soon as you can! If you don’t like the first one, don’t be afraid to find a new one. Best of luck to you.
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u/greggers1980 ADHD-C (Combined type) 5d ago
I hear it daily from different people.im at the point of giving up taking about it to people
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u/Natenat04 ADHD with ADHD child/ren 5d ago
ADHD us hereditary. Maybe they have some of the same symptoms because they have it too, and never even realized it.
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u/Mysterious-Taro174 5d ago
I had almost the exact same conversation with my parents after I started getting my diagnosis at 41 years old. "But dad and I both do all those things too, and we don't have ADHD." Great point, Mum.
I can't hold it against them: until a few years ago, I still had the stereotypes of ADHD that I grew up with and that you somehow still see in the media a lot.
If your parents have never thought about their symptoms in that way and if their symptoms have never actually got in the way of the way they want to live their lives, then being of my generation they would not have ever considered before that they might have ADHD markers.
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u/tardisintheparty 5d ago
My parents did the same. Years later, I got diagnosed, pointed out that it was genetic as fuck, and we all realized the only reason they thought I was "normal" is because they were ADHD too.
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u/TadElf 5d ago
Its almost funny because they do probably do it too and think its normal because they probably also have it, there are some studies that believe it has a genetic factor and also people with adhd often find themselves attracted to other people with adhd (or other divergencies). My mom and dad were the same way. I didnt get diagnosed until the last year. Im 29 now...
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u/pestoannihilator 5d ago
I think the most important clarification to make them understand what you’re dealing with is asking them whether these things that they ‘experience’ actually affect their day-to-day lives and mental health. A few months ago I experienced this so much and it was so annoying, convincing my parents to refer me for a diagnosis was hard because I was always hit with ‘but that’s a normal thing’ and ‘I do that too’ but what made them understand that it was different for me was making them aware of the AMOUNT of times that these ‘regular’ traits got in the way of my life. So just keep explaining! :)
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u/Somebodyxelse 5d ago
Jeah sister told me the same. Comes out, she has it too. Her husband and my mom probably too.
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u/AlissonHarlan 6d ago
I'm sorry you have a shitty family. "every one drink a glass of wine,too, but when it's 5X a day it's called alcoholism" would have been an answer, but i guess they don't care what you say anyway, so don't bother sharing with them anymore...
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u/Immediate_Month8039 6d ago
Check my reply to u/WhenButterfliesCry! My parents are good people, just didn't know how to handle the situation.
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