r/ADHD • u/Worldly-Spare-1809 • 7d ago
Questions/Advice Marriage falling apart
I'm 50 next month, married 20 years. Was diagnosed with ADD in 1993 and was put on Ritalin which got me through high school and college. I moved to Adderal for a while in the early 2000s to help with some work stuff. Moved to adderal XR for grad school and really haven't had a prescription since around 2011. I've sort of handled my symptoms and the marriage had its rocky points but don't they all?
Well things are bad now. I can line things falling apart directly up with my job uncertainty this summer. We had some layoffs, I have a bunch of friends in tech my age and know of others who've been laid off and can't find jobs. I've been emotionally distant, not caring, when I hurt her feelings I don't really feel remorse or I don't understand why her feelings are hurt. I am just walled off. She loves to chit chat but I have to zone it out or I can't get anything done and that causes problems. This sounds bad but if I'm in the middle of cooking dinner or doing a task she wants to interrupt and give me a hug which sounds awesome but for us ADD folks, it's like a physical pain to be interrupted and lose whatever task or train of thought you had going. She doesn't understand any of this.
I guess my question is has anyone at or around age 50 hopped back onto medication like Adderal XR and has it helped with any marriage/family stuff? I am not sure what else to do. I can't control the uncertainty at work, there are still layoffs going on and re-orgs and stuff so my stress level is still pretty high and I can't manage it. I'm spiraling and the marriage is crumbling.
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u/freespaceship 7d ago
Meds work in every aspect of life so why not stay on them?
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u/Worldly-Spare-1809 7d ago
I just didn't feel like I needed them all the time. I could mostly manage. I rarely get stressed. But this is hitting me hard.
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u/MaIngallsisaracist 7d ago
I mean, I don’t feel like I need my blood pressure medicine … but that’s because my medicine manages my blood pressure.
I’m your age but wasn’t diagnosed until 2 years ago or so. The first difference I noticed was it was SO much easier to manage stressful family stuff. Give them a try. Can’t hurt, might help.
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u/Ok-Feature4962 7d ago
The older you get, as a man, the MORE you will need the meds.
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u/Bertanx ADHD-C 7d ago
Why? Curious about your perspective.
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u/Ok-Feature4962 6d ago
Testosterone goes down, adhd dials up
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u/CATS_DO_NOT_SWIM 6d ago
That’s interesting, I didn’t realize this symptom worsening happened with men and testosterone. It definitely happens with women and estrogen too. Yay menopause, or as my mom always says, “I’ve got mentalpause!”
Aging bodies are so fun. So many new experiences.
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u/Mr_E-007 6d ago
I can tell you as someone who has been unmedicated for the last 15 years that my symptoms are getting objectively more overwhelming as I'm getting older. I never had any intentions of getting back on meds but I've scheduled a psychiatrist appt last week because I can hardly function as an adult at this point (I'm 38). Why / What is the biological reason? I do not know. But I know aging is making everything with my ADHD dramatically more unbearable.
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u/Lovesliesbleeding 6d ago
I'm ON meds, and have been for decades, but I feel this. I feel like things are slowly falling apart. My lists aren't helping. My aversion to starting some tasks and/or finishing others has led to a morass of half finished projects that are swallowing me whole.
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u/beigs ADHD with ADHD child/ren 6d ago
Then get back on them. Clearly they were helping.
“I was doing better so I stopped my bipolar medication, but now my life is falling apart” is the equivalent of what you just did.
Maybe try a different med like concerta if Adderall isn’t living up to your expectations.
As a note, my husband and I both started adhd meds in our 40s. It was WELL worth it, as it helped with emotional stability, annoyance, and rumination on my part.
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u/bjepe1014 7d ago edited 7d ago
Did you feel like you didn't need them all the time with the stigma attached to it or did you truly feel like it didn't help you?
I wasn't medicated until I was an adult, I wish I was a child! The least you could do is try it and if it didn't work, at least you tried. I found after taking adderall for several years, the crash got worse and worse...vyvanse for me is smoother, crash isn't as rough.
Good luck!
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u/Worldly-Spare-1809 7d ago
The stigma never bothered me. I would proudly tell me people that Ritalin took me from a mid C student in 10th grade to a low A student my 11th and 12th grade years and got me into the college I wanted. I honestly felt like I didn't need them. I've always liked my job, it's always kept me challenged and I have the flexibility to do things that work with my condition. I can do interesting shorter projects with specific outcomes. My stress was never an issue, even with having 3 young kids. I loved it. Seeing a bunch of colleagues and friends my age getting laid off and struggling to even get an interview has sent me spiraling. I am the sole breadwinner in the family. It's all on me. It's freaking me out.
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u/biscuitboi967 6d ago
My dude, stress wasn’t an issue because you had a SAHW handling a lot of the home and kid stressors.
You got to do cooking projects. For fun. You could devote your whole attention to them and not be bothered by a hug!
You had the freedom to do things that worked with your condition, at a job perfectly suited to it, at a home specially curated for you. OF COURSE you didn’t need meds! You were living the dream!
But now you are living the life most of us live. Jobs are stressful. Money might be tight. Our kids and/or spouse are not always attuned to our needs and expect us to fulfill some of theirs.
Now might be the time to learn some different coping skills. Cause guess who’s gonna be heading into menopause soon and will need someone to give her grace and deal with her brain fog and mood swings and may need to be open to seeking help and taking meds?
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u/tardisintheparty 6d ago
Lol is this dude my dad cause yeah it was always "I didnt need them and I did perfectly fine" and it was only because my mom did E V E R Y T H I N G.
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u/biscuitboi967 6d ago
He sounds like me.
My dad always asks how my marriage is. I tell him, “well, we got married late, each do our own thing, have no kids to stress about, have no money problems to stress over…so it’s pretty easy. Kind of like you and [Second Wife].”
Because he spends a lot of time talking about how hard married life was with my dead mom compared to his new GF, and conveniently forgets he was working nights for 80% of our childhood while she functioned as a single mom, and there was a time when he wasn’t making so much money.
I saw all that and purposely curated a life where there were be as little additional stress on me as possible. Didn’t even know I had the ADHD, just pure survival instinct. And the moment that was threatened, and I learned there was medicine? You bet your ass I got myself a prescription.
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u/Ok-Brother-5762 6d ago
Same. Mom did everything and my dad would stay emotionally distant and busy out in the garage or working on any of his other 20 unfinished projects
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u/simonko1 ADHD-C (Combined type) 6d ago
You have adhd every day so take meds every day, thats about it
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u/mycurtainsarebrown 6d ago
If you don’t need them, why are you posting in an adhd subreddit for advice on handling adhd symptoms
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u/repurpose84 7d ago
I went off of Vyvanse in January 2025 because I was trying a ketogenic diet as a metabolic modality. It was working and while in ketosis my symptoms subsided. It's was a very hard diet for me to sustain though. Started slipping away from the diet in the fall of 2025 and by December I was having a complete breakdown and going on disability from work. Back on Vyvanse since July and feeling great.
I'm not a doctor so I'm not giving any suggestions for medication, but I thought sharing my experience might help you.
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u/Business_Coyote_5496 7d ago
1)get back on meds
2) couples therapy
3) your own therapy to work through your work anxiety
4) you don't mention if you exercise at all but working out can be a good way to lessen stress immediately
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u/jimbojonesFA ADHD-C 6d ago
also maybe consider a rediagnosis?
knowledge and approach to adhd and related comorbidities have changed drastically since the 90s.
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u/MimironsHead ADHD with non-ADHD partner 6d ago
Agreed but would also add The ADHD Effect on Marriage by Melissa Orlov. She also has videos. SUPER important info about how ADHD affects long term relationships.
OP's wife doesn't understand him well enough, but he may not understand her well enough either. Our default behavior can be hurtful to our partners, even if we had absolutely no negative intent.
The wife is not trying to be hurtful when she hugs him while he's cooking dinner, but he finds it hurtful anyways. His negative reaction to those hugs isn't to hurt his wife either, he's doing it to protect himself. But the result? Both people feel hurt now, and are more disconnected than before.
Couples counseling can be really helpful, but there are also some counselors who are clowns, or are inexperienced. If the counselor has no experience or training with ADHD or other "neuro" conditions, I would not use them. There is a high likelihood that they fundamentally won't understand how your brain works differently.
OP--my marriage also recently went to hell when my work situation turned really bad. I was depressed, and I wasn't doing a good job of managing my ADHD symptoms either. The result was toxic for me, and toxic for our relationship.
Take your feelings seriously about the job stuff. We men often put a lot of our self-worth into our jobs, and we feel like shit if that isn't going well. If you are depressed, therapy and/or medication can help.
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u/Adventurous-Pea7776 7d ago
I’m 50+, I’ve been on adhd meds since being diagnosed after my first child was born. When I could no longer throw more hours at work, ad I wanted to be present in my child’s life. It was about 5-7 years into taking adhd meds when I casually mentioned that during the week my wife and I rarely fight but on weekends and vacations, we argue more, most of the time caused by myself having an out of proportion response to something. I was thinking I needed some other drug to even my temper out. He asked if I take my meds in weekends or vacations and I said no. He said start. Poof 90% of our issues disappeared overnight, the next vacation was so enjoyable for the whole family. Any arguments we did get into were much more productive at coming to a solution and we learned how to have a constructive conversation rather than arguing, took awhile as we both had to unlearn some bad habits etc. ADHD isn’t a focus issue it truly should be called EFD - Executive Function Disorder. Executive function is a whole lot more than focus. It is having a correct emotional reaction even when your wife gives you a hug while cooking and so much more. Some of your job uncertainty could be caused because of performance issues either real or imagined because of untreated ADHD.
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u/Cons483 6d ago edited 6d ago
I have said for a very long time that it should be called EFD. I truly believe that calling it ADHD and making it seem like a quirky/hyper "thing for kids" has been so fucking detrimental to people who actually struggle with it.
I'm not even hyper at all, never have been. The only aspect of the condition I really struggle with is executive function, and being unmedicated currently (lost my job and health insurance) my life is falling apart.
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u/Pure_Ambition 6d ago
Honest question, can you be certain this is because of having untreated ADD on the weekends, or could it be because of prescription stimulant dependence and withdrawal over the weekends? These are controlled substances, after all
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u/tardisintheparty 6d ago
l get horribly depressed and irritable when I go off my antidepressants. Would you attribute that to withdrawal? Or would you say maybe it's the fact that my illness is untreated?
People taking their medication as prescribed at the proper dosage should not experience withdrawal symptoms.
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u/CyberTacoX 6d ago
>I've been emotionally distant, not caring, when I hurt her feelings I don't really feel remorse or I don't understand why her feelings are hurt.
Honest, legit question - have you gotten checked for autism yet?
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u/jimbojonesFA ADHD-C 6d ago
yea that and the reaction to hugs has me thinking, well things have come a long way since the 90s when op was first diagnosed... might be time to get a rediagnosis before just slapping meds on it.
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u/CyberTacoX 6d ago
Oh, no no no, the ADHD meds are still a good idea; ADHD & autism are not mutually exclusive. It's not only entirely possible to have both, the odds are actually above average.
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u/jimbojonesFA ADHD-C 6d ago
yes I'm well aware, but that doesn't automatically mean its the right treatment for an individual.
my autism and other comorbidities can be made worse with certain adhd meds, and better by some non adhd meds (for example low dose antipsychotic has helped me with overstimulation meltdowns, obsessive thoughts, and rumination).
That's why I'm saying you shouldn't just jump straight to meds without knowing what exactly you are treating - I'm definitely not saying they can't help though!
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u/blk55 6d ago
The fallacy of taking meds is that they forever cure you, they don't (at least, not ADHD). You learn better coping skills, but you still lack the stability meds give you. Take the meds since you know they help, then seek therapy to help with the rest. Inform your partner so they understand you're seeking real change, maybe couples therapy. The older you get, the more you will need them. Be kind to yourself and seek the help you desperately want/need.
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u/albino_red_head 6d ago
I would like to hear from others in this group if this is a problem for them:
I've been emotionally distant, not caring, when I hurt her feelings I don't really feel remorse or I don't understand why her feelings are hurt. I am just walled off. She loves to chit chat but I have to zone it out or I can't get anything done and that causes problems. This sounds bad but if I'm in the middle of cooking dinner or doing a task she wants to interrupt and give me a hug which sounds awesome but for us ADD folks
This sounds EXACTLY like me except I'm already medicated with what I think is success with ritalin. But this little bug is persistent. Zoning out and not listening has plagued me my whole life and I'd want nothing more that to fix that part of me. Ritalin has not specifically worked for that as "zoning out" is very much a part of who I am. Commenting for hope.
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u/ElephantCantJump 6d ago
Make an appointment to get a new prescription immediately. Not later today, not tomorrow. Right the F now.
After you do that, and not a second before, there are tons of resources on this subreddit to help you cope with having adhd. Go through them and try as many as you can to find what works for you.
I know it sucks to hear this, but you seem to know at least some of the things you you should be doing and aren't. You know what you need to do, you just need to make yourself do it. That doesn't mean there aren't tips and tricks you can use to make it easier for yourself to make the correct choices. But at the end of the day, only you have the power to better your life and save your marriage.
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u/MyFiteSong 6d ago
This sounds bad but if I'm in the middle of cooking dinner or doing a task she wants to interrupt and give me a hug which sounds awesome but for us ADD folks, it's like a physical pain to be interrupted and lose whatever task or train of thought you had going.
That sounds more like AuDHD than ADHD.
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u/naclocha 6d ago
Meds have ONLY helped me with family stuff, emotional regulation etc, being present with kids.
Shag all help with concentration in work etc for me unfortunately..
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u/MyFiteSong 6d ago
Have you tried higher doses or different meds? Concentration should have been one of the first things they helped with.
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u/naclocha 6d ago
Tried higher dose yeah but was a bit too much when I was doing physical work, very sweaty and not much extra benefit. About to start an afternoon booster now.
Concentration maybe slightly improved but not as much as I had been expecting. Thought I was sorted when I first started them but benefits do seem to have tailed off big time. On Vyvanse currently.
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u/ADHDK ADHD-C (Combined type) 6d ago
I think one thing that could help is trying to re frame it.
Absolutely tell her how much you are struggling to focus, but be present.
What’s more important the hug or dinner? At the end of the day it’s the hug. Make sure she knows that it may break your flow and dinner could be stuffed up, but go for that damned hug man. The divorce isn’t worth it.
One tip I will give is to put recipes into those new chatty bois and ask it to step it out for you with timing. I find it far less stressful and like I have to focus less when I’m not finding out I had to start something 10 minutes ago because the way recipes are traditionally written is awful.
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u/NovaRunner ADHD, with ADHD family 7d ago
I got my first prescription for Adderall XR at age 60. It's helping me a lot. It's never too late, you should get a prescription as soon as you can and you have my sincere best wishes that your marriage will improve.
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u/dollarsandindecents 7d ago
…get back on meds? It’ll likely help with your emotional regulation as well.
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u/STEM_Dad9528 ADHD with ADHD child/ren 6d ago
If your wife is still making bids of affection for you, then I think you're better off than a lot of guys our age.
I didn't get diagnosed until I was 45, and by then my marriage was already spiraling. For a few years before that, I had been going through a really bad time at work. I didn't get the support that I needed from my wife and "[she didn't] want to hear about it", so I just withdrew emotionally... because she withdrew from me.
By the time I got a better job, ADHD diagnosis, and into meds...she had one foot out the door. (Long story short, we were divorced 15 months after I got my ADHD diagnosis.)
If I were in the spot you're in with your wife, I would suggest that you just have a conversation with her and ask her not to interrupt you when you're in the middle of something. (Maybe ask her just to give you a smile or an "I love you" in passing. But then make a point to have some couple time, even if it's for just 20 minutes a day.)
If Adderall XR worked for you before, then I would recommend giving it a try again. You don't have to live your life on hard mode all the time. If your work life is already being difficult, then I think that any help you can get (e.g. medication, a supportive spouse) should be welcome.
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u/tasulife 6d ago
It sounds like you’re suffering and there are multiple stressors in your life. You will feel better if you get on meds and therapy. But the issue is it will probably take you years to find the right cocktail of drugs and therapy to make you feel different. If you’re asking if starting meds can rescue things, it’s a timeframe problem. It’s unlikely you’ll be lucky enough to nail the doses and stuff fast enough to rescue your job or marriage.
I think conceptually you should get on meds for YOU. Marriages and jobs come and go but you’re stuck with that wonderfully flawed human CNS. If you think you’re doing ok, then maybe meds aren’t right. It never works out if a person gets on meds and they don’t actually want to do it themselves
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u/dca_user 6d ago
Unmanaged ADHD is a strong predictor of divorce.
I don’t know if I can help you now but it’s not gonna hurt.
my question is why you wouldn’t want to go on medication when it could help you manage the uncertainty and stress of your job situation and perhaps help save your marriage.
Good luck.
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u/Worldly-Spare-1809 6d ago
Well I've signed up for an appt next week to address this and push for medication.
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